>boyfriend has had instances of not telling me something to

>>18728198
Don't get mad ?
There is better ways to deal with problems.

>>18728218
It's more that I get sad and bummed out when I realize he's kept something else from me, rather than mad. But how do I work on not letting those emotions show to him? I don't want to scare him off. I don't yell at him or insult him or anything like that, but even me being sad feels like he's being punished for telling the truth, and I'm not sure how to just not get upset over the fact that he's yet again specifically not told me something, something we've talked about and he understands I'd really like a heads up on, but just continues to choose not to tell me. I thought we'd worked through this issue. Anyways, what do you recommend for dealing with this problem?

>>18728198
Tell us instances where he has hid something from you. I need to know whether it is over inane things that don't really matter or something of a more important nature. You keep saying he 'hides stuff' but you never explain what that stuff actually is - and it makes a world of a difference if we were to know.

>>18728225
I don't know much how to help you.
He probably have all the right not to tell you about something, in a kind of "secret garden" you see. He have the right to have his own life without you.
Also, I don't think it is a good idea to hide your emotions. You should rather work on them, like where you they come from, are you this isn't just irrational fears, ect...

>>18728245
It's mostly his weed use. He's said himself that he doesn't like how dependent he is on it, and how he feels uncomfortable when he's sober. For me, I didn't like the situations where we would Skype and I knew he was high and he didn't tell me. It bothered me because he would act differently, be more affectionate towards me, and after finding out he was high, it was like all that stuff he said to me wasn't his true feelings because he wouldn't have said that stuff if he was sober. So in order to prevent times like that, I just asked that he gave me a heads up when he smoked, and he was okay with that. Until he told me that he'd been smoking during the days he didn't work for a while now, and hadn't told me because he didn't want me to think he was an addict. And until yesterday, where he told me he's now been smoking after he gets off of work before he showers, which bumps up his usage to twice a day on days he works now. Both times he's said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to think he was an addict, yet he's personally said he's uncomfortable when he's sober. I've never called him an addict, the most I've said is that I'm worried he has an unhealthy relationship with weed and I want him to get to a place where he can be happy and just feel normal without it. He would rather just move to a place where it's legal than do that.

It's just upsetting that just the day before he confessed, we'd talked about how nice it was that we could tell each other anything and that we felt so safe around the other person. And other times when we were good, I'd ask if he ever still felt tempted to not tell me something out of fear of how I would take it, and he said no. It just feels like a lot of dishonesty right now and I'm not sure what to do about any of it

>>18728249
Yeah, I realized how problematic hiding my emotions was after I sent it. If I'm upset by him keeping parts of himself from me to keep me from getting upset, then it makes no sense whatsoever to start hiding parts of myself to keep him from getting upset. I'm just not sure how to constructively tell him that what he told me makes me upset. I don't want him to take my negative reaction as proof that he shouldn't tell me stuff in the future. I want him to feel safe to tell me shit, even if I get sad

>>18728268
Being high doesn't make you lie, the things he told you and how he acted towards you is probably his real feelings, he probably just felt more comfortable saying them

>>18728328
I guess it's just hard for me to accept that his experience being high is very, very different from mine. I don't feel like myself when I'm high, and I have weird thoughts that I don't normally think. But I mean it probably boils down to the fact that I'm like 80% of other girls and have daddy issues, mine being that my dad only ever said and acted like he loved me when he was lying-on-the-floor drunk, and he'd often not remember what he said or did the next day so it was like none of it counted. I know my boyfriend getting high isn't like that situation at all, yet I still seem to go into that same place of "Anything he says or does for the rest of the night isn't 100% him and doesn't count". It doesn't help that he's been high every time we've Skyped for the past few years.

It's alarming finding out that he's been smoking more often than he originally said and specifically not telling me. It's not something that slipped from his mind or he forgot about, he actively chose to be dishonest about it, despite knowing how important it is to me that I get a heads up. It scares me because I thought he was being totally open and honest with me, and now I'm left wondering what else he's been hiding from me to avoid upsetting me, and my paranoia is acting up and telling me that maybe he's been under the influence of some drug or multiple drugs for our entire relationship. I know that's stupid, but I can't shake the feeling of "How much of our relationship is real?" that this has brought up. I know that's me overreacting but I can't deny my feelings

one more bump!

>>18728198
he is hiding stuff because he doesn't think what he is doing is acceptable and he isn't confident you would accept the behavior.

Not a lot you can do really, no matter how you actually feel about it the problem is mostly in his head.

Wow holy shit lol

>>18728518
Is there a way I can make him feel more confident about telling me stuff?

>>18728542
What are your thoughts on all this?

>>18728198
If he's getting anxious because you're going to flip your shit. If he doesn't want to tell you its because he doesn't trust you. You basically lied to him about "I won't get upset!". You don't know what he wants you to do to be different that might hurt your feelings, and you don't know rhat it won't uoset you. This while thing sounds like a big pile of fuck. He needs to man up and face the music and you need to quit being a hyperbitch and when someone says "you know, when you do this it dramatically decreases the value of my life" don't get MAD at them like a child. Instead start a conversation like an adult by being ASSERTIVE (I know you think you know what it means but go google it anyway) and talk it out and learn to COMPROMISE. That is the vital link in every relationship compromise. Sometimes old married couples spend their days at opposite ends of the house from each other because they just piss each other off that muchn but at the end of the day they come back and sleep in the same bed... until she hits him for snoring. Seriously whats up with that? I'm trying to brearhe and you're slapping the fuck outta me.

Anyway, quit being an autist and hear your boyfriend out.

>boyfriend has had instances of not telling me something to prevent me getting upset
>get upset that he was dishonest and hiding parts of himself from me

clearly this arrangement was working before with flying colors

anyways as for the whole daddy issues thing stemming from your perception that as long as they're under some kind of mind altering substance that anything they say doesn't hold any water - for me, it has always been the opposite, anything I say whilst drunk is a very good indicator of what I actually think

hell I stopped drinking because I was and am still worried that I'll slip up and start telling people that I'm a pedophile and a whole slew of other shit I'd really rather not get into because it's all very telling of the fact that I am a horribly shit person on the inside

the concept that somehow honesty is this big thing that cannot be violated probably has something to do with something you assume is inherent to lying; people lie for all kinds of reason other than just petty maliciousness, people lie out of fear, insecurity, peer pressure, necessity and etc;

you should focus on trying to find out what is causing him to lie to you in these situations and focus on trying to come to terms with that, because otherwise you'd be overgeneralizing everything by grouping him into just being 'dishonest', which is a happy little trip down paranoia lane

maybe it's a good idea to add that it comes off as being too controlling when you demand to know everything, or that you probably won't ever find a person who's 100% clear on what the fuck they're thinking, doing or believe in, or that you should be happy that he is telling you the truth now rather dwelling on the past, or i'unno, something? this isn't that big a deal

>>18728642
Did you ever sleep next to a snoring person? Or rather tried to? It drives you crazy and fucks with your sleep. If someone has an issue with snoring go to a doctor and get it diagnosed.

On topic I have to say I'm similar to your boyfriend OP. I don't smoke weed but I keep my feelings inside and my gf has to get them out of me bit by bit. Sometimes she can tell something is wrong but I just say everything is okay. She says the same thing you say, like being to be completely open with each other. For me it's about making her upset because she can get really mean when mad and also because I just don't know how to express myself. Im not used to sharing my thoughts with someone. Maybe this helps if not thanks for reading my rambling.