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Anonymous
CPTSD, I'm fucking losing my mind 2017-09-16 05:24:53 Post No. 18726752
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CPTSD, I'm fucking losing my mind 2017-09-16 05:24:53 Post No. 18726752
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i'm sorry that this is long but i dont know what to do
I started experiencing symptoms of Complex-PTSD during the last months of my relationship with my ex-girlfriend - who was diagnosed with BPD by a specialis - and after the relationship ended (terribly). I've been trying to "get better", but I don't know what the fuck to do anymore as it isn't getting better at all. I've:
>been seeing a therapist for 8 months
>joined a group therapy group (discontinued)
>started exercising more
>regained interest in my hobbies
>pushed myself to become more social and friendly
but nothing matters because i'm constantly feeling violent, negative emotions.
I'm extremely emotionally unstable. I hide it, but I'll often be on the verge of crying constantly. Any feeling that I am unwanted, damaged, or otherwise not a good person is amplified to the point that I think negative thoughts for an hour, go cry in my car, or even leave campus, go home, and hide.
My self-worth is essentially zero. I engage in extremely negative self-talk as soon as something bad happens, and I cannot stop. I stop short of self-harm, but I often have suicidal thoughts. I have a hard time maintaining new friendships because of this, but my old friends and family both tell me I have a lot of positive qualities - but I absolutely do not believe them.
I violently crave emotional connections with people, yet I'm deathly afraid of vulnerability. I feel constantly, crushingly alone. All I want in this world is feel close to someone again, but I've been hurt so badly by this relationship that I cannot handle becoming close to other people.
What can I even do in this situation? Why won't it get better? I was hospitalized earlier this year when it got especially bad, and it's almost as bad as it was then. Why I am such a fucking worthless, unlovable piece of human garbage? I deserve nothing except to fucking die.
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>>18726752
>stop pushing yourself to be better
>learn to love yourself in this moment
>slowly improve yourself with no actual plan
This is what's working for me. You're not unlovable because I love you OP. Stop being a bitch though.
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>>18726752
i made a thread about literally the same thing. I was in a relationship with my BPDexgf for 2 years. Ive been out of it for 10 months.
I have been dating and i finally met a girl that likes me and even puts up with my PTSD psychotic nonsense
i find my self testing how much i push her away until she leaves.. which she finally did earlier this week
now im faced with a weird situation. the PTSD is now triggered onto getting this girl who just left me back and my obsession with the abuse i suffered at the hands of my bpdexgf is redirected towards the feeling that i may have pushed away a good girl.
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>>18726809
I'm trying but I just keep falling apart constantly
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>>18726752
I was in a similar situation. I wasn't ready to accept how I was treated, and that the fantasy she had me foster was only a fantast. I wasn't ready to acceot she didn't love me like I loved her, so I drank and did drugs for two years, as well as giving everyone I knew the intuition that I was weak and fucked up.
If you can get the support you need for your emotions, and work on accepting the reality of what happened, then you might be able to skip past all the pain, addicrion, and embarrassment, to the other side.
A compassionate therapist will help, if you can find one. There's more to life than this girl and her manipulative actions. Eventually you'll look back oh this experience and not even feel sad.
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>>18727125
I mean, I'm not even that sad about her or dating her. I've accepted that she was simply a bad person with a debilitating disorder. The thing I'm sad about is that I wasted three years loving the wrong person, and now I'm just an emotional wreck half the time. I don't really know what I'm living for, I just feel miserable and alone and damaged.
My therapist helps a little bit, but he's an analyst, and so it's not like he has any particular plan of action. I'm thinking of doing CBT because I don't know what else there is I can do.
I'm sorry you were ever in a similar situation. I hear stories about people taking years to recover from these relationships, but I don't have that. I mean, I'm young, but I want to meet people now while I still have the chance in college. It's just so hard to keep myself stable while facing rejection, the suicidal thoughts and negative self-talk come back intensely and quickly when I'm rejected or feel I've been.
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