Relationship advice

>>18713836
I'll bump you with a basic softball
what do you have to say about oneitis and moving on from failed or unviable relationships?

>>18714121
Most people already know they really want to get out when a relationship is failed, but figure they should try a little bit longer out of obligation. In one form or another they are looking for the right "permission" to leave (one last straw, one last fight, one last attempt to fix it) when really they should just end it. I know it feels like so much in your life will change, but just eat the sunk cost and do it. The bullshit people will explain away and try to justify in their partner is absurd. You will find someone else, get out so you can.

Also the easiest way to move on if you feel like you're still stuck on an ex is to just stop trying to get yourself to force a feeling and accept that you'll always love that person. You’ll also find someone else to love, and one day you’ll find you love this new person even more than whoever you’re stuck on now. Humans can love multiple people and most aren’t actively intimate with every person they love.

>>18714159
What if you don't really miss the ex, but she got the dog and you really miss him?

>>18714166
Losing pets is such a fucked up part of breakups. If she's not letting you see the dog, take that as a nice final sign that she's an asshole and you made the right decision.

Honestly the best way to approach having a pet taken is to think of them like they died. Death is brutal but humans handle death all the time. I've done counseling for shared custody of pets and nothing drives people to the brink like years of trying to split dog time with someone who doesn't want to deal with you. Better just to let the dog go and give yourself the gift of a clean exit.

If it's more than half a year in and you are still missing the dog just as intensely, get another dog. You'll love this dog just as much, unless you're only faking caring about the dog as an excuse to confront your ex.

What are your tips for re-establishing trust when your partner's cheated on you?

>>18714202
People spend so much time trying to realize that the monogamy promise is just another promise. Your partner made a promise to you and broke it and that sucks, but it’s not insurmountable. Trust is sometimes violated in intimate relationships in a variety of ways and if both parties are invested in re-establishing trust it’ll come back. And if you’re just hung up on the sex aspect, realize your partner has had sex with other people and just actually come to terms with that. What you really need to figure out is if you can still trust them with a promise and your intimacy - the “uniquely unforgiveableness” of cheating is just a holdover from last century.

Re-establishing trust always requires work for both parties, so make sure you’re doing your part too. People expect their partner to “prove” themselves after cheating, but you both need to work together to repair. Do the emotional labor required to sort out what actions or assurances would help you re-establish trust and ask your partner for them. If you’re just waiting for them to figure it out you’ll grow resentful and your partner will grow frustrated.

So long as you’re clearly asking for something reasonable (which does not include sharing passwords or reading journals), make sure your partner is actually following through. If they won’t or make excuses, leave. They’ve done what they know is a serious breach of trust and if you are doing your emotional work you should absolutely not be doing theirs for them. Also leave if they cheated on you within the first six months.

What's the best way to confront my partner refusing to accept that I'm still grieving over the loss of a parent a year later?

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>>18713836
Girlfriend of 8 months I love.

Red Flag #1 - kissed her guy friend on new years after we were hooking up and obviously going to date but before it was official. also kept a picture of her new years group (including the guy) on her work desk for months before i realized and called her out on it. Also has a lot of guy friends in general and few female friends

Red Flag #2 - has had 10 sexual partners, and said she made out with a bunch of guys while out clubbing and dancing with her friends. She's my only lay.

i'm 27. what do

>>18714260
Alright cool. The cheating wasn't as bad as it could've been, he says it was just a one-time drunken kiss, and I do believe that's all it was. I guess it's just hard for me because I had trust issues to begin with, so the paranoia and worrying runs deeper than just what he did. It's also hard because I basically knew the other woman was getting a bit too friendly with him, flirting with him, giving him attention, and it was like I felt him drifting from me and I didn't really know how to bring him back.

It just sucks because I don't think he would actually do something like that to me ever again. He still has so much guilt over it, even though we both feel like we've come out stronger because of it. I just hate that when he hangs out with a group of friends and there's gonna be girls there, I get anxious. And I'm not even anxious because I'm sitting there thinking he's cheating on me. I just get anxious and start feeling insecure, and I want to work on getting past those feelings, or just not letting them get to me

>>18714285
also i just read your advice here for someone else >>18714260 and i guess all thats true but with my inexperience i think its disturbing to think of her past and all that, so how do I get over it myself?

>>18714271
You should be able to expect from your partner comfort and consolation when you ask for it. Feel assured that if they are not providing that comfort reliably as they are available to (if they have the time and emotional capacity) then they are not providing an essential part of an intimate relationship. But before you confront them, check your own behavior and make sure you are doing the work you need to do handle your grief without them. Your partner is not responsible for your emotional well-being and if you are primarily relying on them to feel better then you need to first figure out how you can self-soothe.

It is totally OK to still feel grief over your parents a year later. Your partner may not know what to do or what you need and supporters are often frustrated by the changes in the relationship that grief brings. Help them out by being explicit about both what you want from them and what you are actively doing to handle the harder days on your own. If you confront them by both asking them for help and by explaining what you’re doing on your own they’ll be much more receptive than framing it as an accusation of not supporting you enough so far.

>>18714312
Thank you.

When's a good time to marry?

>been dating 1.5 years
>friends for 2.25 years
>both made it clear at the beginning our intentions of dating were to find a spouse
>not a single fight, disagreements are talked out
>can financially handle to moving into our own place together
>families get along
>talking about getting premarital counseling
>neither sure if we really need it
>already talked about how to deal with finances, where to live, future kids, career goals, etc

>>18714295
If you weren’t official, there wasn’t a breach of trust. You may have wanted it to be at the time and it may have been heading in that direction, but until you have the DTR conversation where monogamy is established any expectations of your partner’s behaviors is just you judging them to a standard they never agreed to.

Having a group picture that includes someone you’ve made out with before isn’t a red flag; a red flag would be if she didn’t take it down when you told her it made you uncomfortable (which is a reasonable thing to ask).

She’s had sex a bunch and you haven’t. That’s it, but if you’re struggling to shake off puritan conditioning try this. Take it as a compliment that so many other people wanted to fuck her and now she’s only fucking you. You’ve found someone desirable and she likes you. Be grateful for this opportunity that she’s already experienced and take advantage of someone else training her how to fuck and learn something yourself. You likely wouldn’t want your future sexual partners to think less of you now that you’ve had sex, so suck it up and apply the same standards to your own expectations. This is your first sexual partner and that can be really exciting, so have fun and don’t worry about other people that aren’t in your bedroom.

Been living with this woman for already 3 years. I am a more or less independent kind of person and I expect my partner to be so too.

I made this clear a number of times and I tried for a long time to work on it, trying to teach her more emotionally independent.
She got offended many times with this situation and we had many fights, where she insists that I actually don't love her (she still has this concept that "adult love = the same kind of love that parents give to children").

Now the problem is: recently she told she has been hiding the extent of her anxiety problems, that it is much stronger than I thought, to the point that she is sometimes can't function properly on the verge of having panic attacks (she did have 2 in these 3 years)

I understand that for her to get better I need to offer emotional security, support and stability. But I feel extremely concerned that there is a major conflict of interests here: if she gets better, she loses the "warmer" partner that she wanted so much all this time.

I am certain she isn't lying and I am certain that she wants to get better, but I can also easily (based on other behaviour she has) see her hiding her progress so that I don't go back just being myself.

Not sure what to do...

>>18714288
One of the hardest parts of overcoming cheating is knowing what to do when feelings of suspicion bubble up. You’re already saying it, but you’ll need to do your own work on how to handle your trust issues and pre-existing anxiety. Don’t expect him to reassure you each time he goes out with friends or else you’ll both start to resent each other. It sounds like he made a mistake and is willing to be accountable for it, which are great signs for recovery.

If you’re looking for literal examples on what you can try to re-establish trust, things that establish clear patterns and schedules are the best. Have a weekly date night and tell him it’s important to you that he’s on time for it. Establish that for the next two weeks you'll text each other something you appreciate about the other person once a day. Give him a clear direction on what he can do to make you feel reassured and allow him to meet that expectation. Don’t fall into the trap of only asking for him to calm your paranoia when it’s hitting you the hardest and instead set up simple opportunities for you two to grow closer that you can look back to when you start feeling anxious.

>>18714388
Thanks man, I needed every word of that

>>18713836
I am a girl and am interested in being intimate with other girls. How do I determine if a girl is that was inclined? Do I have to go clubbing to meet other bisexuals?

>>18714359
Sounds like most of the stressors that could expand into deadly rifts in a marriage are not there. You have aligned goals, financial security, an effective repair model, and seemingly good communication. Hopefully love too, though your list didn't include it.

The generic advice is that after three years you move past the initial infatuation and you see if you really want to stick around with this person for the next long while. But honestly if you are feeling ready to marry (and are over 24) go for it. I know plenty of happy successful couples that dated less than a year before they married, and far better predictors of relationship health and happiness are all the points you greentexted.

>>18714387
Get out. You are an emotionally stable, caring, and mature person and she clearly has a significant amount of processing and maturing ahead of her. Sometimes that can happen within the context of a relationship, but far more likely is that she will continue to rely on you in some way to guide her through her emotional labor.

God, especially if it’s been three years living together and she only recently dropped that she was far more anxious than she has previously indicated. Her not telling you that until so late, her concept of adult love, and her “hiding” her progress are all signs of emotional manipulation. And that tendency is what makes you see that conflict of interest - it’s not a conflict of interest if she’s invested in the health of your relationship, but it is if she’s primarily thinking of her own well-being. The fact that you made the time to mention that misaligned incentive shows that you suspect it’s the latter. Nothing will change materially and you’ll drive yourself batty trying to help her to stand on her own.

You’ve worked hard, but take these lessons on what you find unacceptable in a relationship as what you’ve bought with all this effort and leave. Especially as someone that values their independence I promise you’ll feel so much better once you shake her off.

>>18714402
If you're just looking to explore your sexuality it's literally never been easier. Just check a box on your dating app of choice or tell a close friend you want them to talk you up at a queer bar. Resign to stay out all night, meet someone cute and have some drinks. If you try to kiss them and they aren’t into it, oops, you don’t know them, whatever. Try it again with someone else.

If however you are asking how to check if someone you know from outside an explicitly queer context is bi, try bringing up lezzy topics in an approving way and see how they react. Turns out you just saw Blue Is the Warmest Color and you liked it, have they seen it? Don't worry about being subtle, you aren't trying to hide that you're interested, you're just trying to ease into the subject. Flirt with them like you would a guy and see if they respond back. Then just try it. People get so worried about rejection and failed kisses, but what does it matter really? You’re looking to experiment and you’re better off knowing definitively that someone isn’t an option sooner rather than later.

>>18714438
>God, especially if it’s been three years living together and she only recently dropped that she was far more anxious than she has previously indicated.


Thanks for the advice, but my description of the situation was misleading, sorry about that.

She wasn't this much anxious before we met and she hid it. It got gradually worse in the last year (partially because of our fights, mostly because of her job, or maybe just herself getting crazy, I don't know) and she has been hiding the extent of it.

Here is a concrete example: since we met she always had the habit of checking the front door lock before going to sleep.

I noticed maybe 1 year ago that she started checking it twice, once a few hours before going to sleep and again right before.

At some point after that we had a conversation about how this was a waste of time and energy, that she should trust her initial check and let go of it and so on. She agreed but there was little change, I still noticed she was checking it twice.

Then recently she admitted that when I am not home (I work night shifts often) she checks it like 10 times before going to sleep, that she even gets up from the bed just to check it. And we DO NOT live in a dangerous neighborhood at all, it is basically just paranoia...

This "paranoia" doesn't extend to absolutely every in her life, but I see signs it is slowly infecting more and more things.

>>18714365
>be grateful shes been fucked so many times
wtf?
i dont think this will help him

what do you have to say in regards to my friend and his seemingly lack of interest in his gf, as in when ever she's talking about something that relates to her family or herself he stands there looking bored as fuck, so what are your thoughts on that?

>>18714520
It sounds like her anxiety is being directed towards fights with you less than I originally assumed, which is a better sign. Imagine that her current behavior is how you will be living for at least the next two years and decide if that's OK with you. She has some type of generalized anxiety disorder and she will need to make a radical change to address it.

Her paranoia is not rational and will not go away with a logical conversation where you show her how she's not being rational. She may agree in the moment but ultimately it will encourage her to shame herself more when that irrational need arises and she'll be more likely to hide it from you rather than come to you for support. The thing she actually needs to learn is how to sit with that "ah did I lock the door?" feeling and how to overcome that impulse internally. That requires training and hopefully therapy.

What it doesn't require is you always talking her down for her. So many people substitute needed therapy or self-work with their partner and it will erode and chip away at your relationship until you resent her too much to stay. You mention you recognize the importance of being supportive and reliable, but make sure you're also making sure she's not becoming overly reliant on that support.

Look up "starting gate rescuer" and the drama triangle and see if you identify with any or part of the descriptors. It tends to be a useful model for couples and could help you figure out what work you can do on yourself in this situation to make you a healthier person even if she never improves.

>>18713836
Why do women in relationships that I had always wanted to open them up, effectively making me a cuck, but just before that happens I always broke up with them, do women prefer open relationships?

>>18714530
Your friend needs to realize being in a relationship entails certain expectations and responsibilities (unless discussed otherwise) and he needs to stop being an asshole and live up to them. One of those expectations is bearing witness to your partner's life and sharing with them what they care about. Being uncaring in social situations is especially rude and cruel as now he's adding public embarrassment on top of it.

Only you know if you have the type of friendship with him where you can talk with him about it. I'd err on the side of saying something if his boredom is that obvious, but make sure you do it in private. And be willing to accept that he may not care or do anything to change even after you reach out.

>>18714393
:) good luck!

>>18714521
So many people are under this misguided notion that to get over their hangups, obsessions, traumas, or anything that causing unwanted thought brainworms that they just need to stop thinking about it. Ultimately what therapy holds your hand towards is how to sit with those feelings when they come up and be OK with it. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts never go away, but often they fade over time once people start handling the thoughts healthfully instead of trying avoid them. It takes so long to get people to come to terms with that. Maybe he’s not there yet, but that’s the well-adjusted end game of those feelings.

>>18714202
You don't. This guy has a job of fixing relationships, but some of them don't deserve to be fixed.

>>18713836
it seems im never gonna get laid, i just don't know how to talk to girls, even if i do well I don't know how to kiss them or take them to bed.

I have a crush on this girl and it seems she's falling some obnoxious arab dude who already has a gf..

i even skipped college today because i am tired of living this pathetic life. I also want to lose weight but have no motivation to do so

>>18714521
That's why I'm always here. The lengths people like OP will go to poison society are boundless. Even worse is that some of them actually think they're helping.

>>18715014
Women are geared toward seeking as many resources as possible for potential offspring. Back in the day, the social costs of polygamy and promiscuity far outweighed any material benefits, but now, not so much. Also, you're probably meeting these shitty women in equally shitty places. I hope you can find one who doesn't act like a whore.

My husband is three years younger than me and still a complete mama's boy. Sweet to me in person, but forgets about/ignores me around his mom. Tried talking to him about it but he's passive and doesn't understand cutting the apron strings or want to. We live five miles from her so see her often and he doesn't want to move. I don't want to leave him over this but also can't deal with being a third wheel around my MIL who obviously knows and fucking loves what's going on. Tried being friends with her/talking to her but she'll talk to me for a second then go back to not addressing me the rest of the visit, laughing at literally anything he says. This has killed my sexual desire for him, I don't want to fuck a little boy who finds solace in his mommy. How do I deal? Leave and try to believe I've done the right thing? Carry on and pretend I'm happy?

He also refuses to see a therapist. I might just go to one myself but don't think it would help our marriage.

>>18714159
>you can love multiple people
>you can be madly in love with your ex but still have a functional relationship with someone else
Oh god what, what a load of horseshit. Why people call out MD /b/tard on being a quack but then fall for this shit is beyond me.

>>18715144
Hear hear, unless OP posts a time stamped degree, he is a larping faggot who most likely needs more help himself than anyone posting questions ITT.

>>18715153
Leaving him would be exactly what the mother wants by the sound of it.
Do you want her to have manipulated both him and you into ending the relationship?

Find the underlying cause of his deep relationship with his mother. Understand that and you might come to understand him and his mother more.

I myself am a bit a mommas boy (not to the extent of ignoring spouse though). This is due to my father being military and being home less than divorced parents, add onto this moving from one base to another about every two years all across the globe and the only constants in my life were my mother and my two sisters. I grew up seeing my mother do everything in her own, raising us, keeping a household, finances etc. Even when my father was home he would never talk to me about anything aside from work/study. No talk about my or his social life, about girls, or sport, nothing. The most fun interaction I had with him was going to an amusement park when I was younger, which I later found out he only did after my mother pressured him into doing so.
As such I have developed a loyalty towards my mother that surpasses most, there is very little I wouldn't do for her. If it weren't for her, I would have likely ended up living with my dad's parents who were abusive. She is also the reason I overal have more respect for women than I have for men.

So if any girl ever made me choose between her or my mother, that would be the easiest choice in my life and I would not regret it for a second.

Do you counsel for familial relationships as well? I never loved my brother, made a conscious decision to stop loving my father at eight, and stopped loving my mother at thirteen in a natural fashion. Also grew to hate all of them. Truly hate them. Told a therapist all of that and he literally told me that I didn't understand my own feelings and that I was just very, very angry with them. I tried to get him to listen a couple more times and he kept flat out telling me that I didn't feel what I felt. Not believing me when I said that I didn't love them was the worse part. Consequently, I never told my family how I felt because this therapist effectively demonstrated that doing so would be pointless. Now my parents are 65, my brother is 36, and I'm 27 and I should let go and just stop caring about them but I'm still so angry about how I was raised. The relationship cannot be salvaged or created. What do I do to stop seething?

>>18715014
Because they want to casually bang Chad McDick but not lose the security you offer. Chad McDick won't take them out for dinner, Chad McDick won't spend an evening listening to some sob story, Chad McDick won't help her fix something I her life that is broke, Chad McDick won't get up at 4am to go pick her up from an airport, Chad McDick won't carry her home 5 miles after she insisted on staying in town after having had one too many and all the taxis have left.

My GF and I have each given each other 1 person the other may use as "open relationship" material should the opportunity ever arose. Mine is Brooklyn Decker (come on Decker, I know you are reading this, return my calls already)

>>18715205
Why do you care? What is stopping you from letting go and more or less erasing them from your life?

I resent my parents somewhat for making me completely financially reliant on them from a young age, then more or less forcing me into a study I did not want to do which put me into massive debt which I could not hope to cover on my own so of course my parents "helpfully" jumped in. Then that fact was tangled over me for about half a decade. I only recently gained financial independence at age 25 after working ridiculous hours at horseshit jobs to cover all the debt and other expenses.

All I wanted was to do an apprenticeship in either blacks itching or watchmaking, but neither was desired and it was a case of being kicked onto the streets without money if I had chosen to do so anyway. I have not had contact with them for 3 years now.

That being said I still don't hate them in the way you seem to do, so I don't really understand why you don't just ghost them all.

I don't want to type it up again, but could you give me advice on
>>18714954

How should I approach her? What if I'm just being a fucking idiot and I ruin our relationship.

I'm a late 20s male with an addictive personality. I walked away from a dead-end relationship (caught feelings, woman only wanted to be FWB, I'm looking for wife material). I really liked this girl and felt pretty heartbroken for a while. I'd like to think I'm over it but I still think about her way too much and I feel intensely anxious whenever I see her. Also stuff about her keeps getting back to me and keeping the bad feels going. I really want to be free of her from my mind and soul but it's like there's an invisible rope. I want to date other women but I just can't be fucked to approach while I'm still hung up on this girl. What do?

I haven't dated in almost a decade. What advice do you have?

>>18715239
Also the reason why I'm not just saying "fuck it" and getting with other girls is because she used me to get over someone she was hung up on and I don't want to be a hypocrite and give anyone the same kind of bad feels she gave me. I also don't want to risk getting attached to another emotionally unavailable person and exacerbating the issue.

>>18715245
How does she feel about you?

>>18715251
I don't know. We don't speak anymore.

>>18715014
Lots of people think they prefer open relationships. People want to have sex with others and that impulse remains even when you’re monogamous. Open and poly relationships are becoming more mainstream which leads to more people taking cues from that acceptance and wanting to try it themselves. However, monogamy provides certain assurances, comfort, and established norms that many experimenters don’t realize they’re giving up by introducing intimacy with others. What’s really dangerous is that open relationships require a ton of work and communication that frankly most people are not equipped to handle. If you don’t want an open relationship there are plenty of others out there that agree with you. Don’t let any worries about women preferring openness pressure you into something you’re not comfortable with.

I typically don't like asking for advice, but how do I help my ex fiancee get over me? She keeps begging me to stay and unfortunately I have no where to go except homeless. It goes without saying, I would rather avoid being homeless if possible. At the same time, I need her to get over me and stop begging me to stay. I've tried talking to her and explaining to her exactly how I feel, but she keeps pestering me. Should I just cut my losses and go homeless or just endure it until I get my new job in the spring?

>>18715268
>open relationships
>in human females
>natural
No, women wanting and pursuing open relationships was never a thing until the introduction of the contraception pill. Untill then randomly fucking dudes potentially meant having a kid, and having a kid without having a man in the picture to support you usually ended up in pisspoor living conditions for you and your kid.

There is nothing natural about polygamy in women.

>>18715161
He's right. Just because you don't understand it, doesn't make it not true.

>>18715153
>I don't want to fuck a little boy who finds solace in his mommy.
I don't understand why women have this attitude. Every woman I know still maintains strong ties with not only her parents but her girlfriend group and depends on them for everything. I've seen relationships broken up by the advice of these people yet you never hear men complaining about mommy's girls and we all accept that a woman's girlfriends are likely going to meddle with the relationship. Why such a double standard as it comes to men?

>>18714285
Fuck 9 other girls, then you'll feel much better about your relationship.

>>18715302
No, it isn't true. It is simply factually wrong on a biological level.

>>18715251
One of the things that got back to me was that she liked me but was embarrassed at the thought of being official with me. She thinks I don't have much going on with my life which is true. I'm a broke university student and she's looking for someone wealthy and established. I don't know how true that is; if my ego wasn't already shattered I would be pretty hurt. I just want to get her out of my mind and heart. I regret ever getting involved with her in the first place.

Why do some women try to abstain from the problem in relationship, until it can no longer be salvaged and repaired in any way, shape, or form?
Why do they think, that making a man choose between helping his mother and getting together with his woman is a good idea?

>>18713836
I'll keep my question as tldr as possible. 8 year long quasi-long distance relationship where we lived an hour away from each other, but still visited often. I had to move due to family reasons so we were 5 hours away instead, but still tried to visit each other often(her moreso than me).

She was losing her job because her contract was ending, and suggested we move in together. Months later and the day before we're supposed to(place already found a place and everything) she tells me crying she isn't comfortable moving in together. We get into a fight and I break it off with her, the next day we talk on the phone trying to work it out and I blow up at her again after she says something that pissed me off, to which she hangs up and proceeds to ghost me by blocking me from every form of communication.

I guess none of that really matters in relation to my question. My question is how can I move on from this? Even though it was a quasi-long distance relationship, it still felt very real to me. I feel betrayed that not only was she not willing to give it a try, but that it ended the way it did. Likewise I feel so very empty and it's debilitating to the point I just wish I could die because I essentially grew up with her and we were each others firsts for literally everything.

Question Tldr: How does one move on from an 8 year long relationship where you grow up with the person, where it ended with basically no closure?

>>18715153
Being pitted against your husband’s mom is a raw deal, and your husband is enabling that raw deal either out of obliviousness or ignorance. It really sounds like there are some boundary issues at play here and that can be delicate to navigate, especially if he’s usually sweet and you’re used to things just working out in other areas of your relationship. It is not unreasonable for you to expect attention and affection around his parents. You’ve already talked to him some about it, but make sure you are asking him for help in feeling comfortable around his mom and are not mainly bringing it up as accusations of ways he’s messed up in the past. Twisted family dynamics calcify for a long time and can be difficult to straighten out, especially as a comparatively newer person in the family.

Go to therapy. If you’re even thinking that carrying on and pretending you’re happy is an option on the table then therapy will help so much. Go to couples therapy and individual therapy if you can afford it - know ahead of time that insurance basically never covers couples therapy unless you are billing it as individual therapy with a partner present. Even if your husband maintains his refusal to see a therapist he can’t stop you from seeing your own. Let him know explicitly that you are going to see a therapist because you need tools and help on how to feel comfortable with the relationship with his mom and how to ask him for the reasonable support you need. Approach it as something you are working on together, or else your resentment and lack of desire will only build from here.

>>18715499
(cont'd)

The mom sounds like a manipulative asshole. Selectively showing affection to him and icing you out is emotional blackmail and inappropriate behavior. It sucks, but focus on repairing your relationship with your husband first. Don’t try to get him to see how his mom’s an asshole but do bring up specific behaviors that you find inappropriate and highlight ways that she treats him that you would like to be treated. Work out boundaries on how often you two visit his mom that you feel comfortable with. Once you have a stronger relationship with your husband and you are feeling that support from him then you can talk with your therapist on how to forge a working relationship with the mother.

If your husband stays firm that nothing’s the matter and is unwilling to provide you meaningful assurances and work, then leave. If he won’t change about this he’ll also avoid the next relationship stressor that comes up, and that mom isn’t going anywhere.

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>>18715499
>>18715502
>woman is clingy to mother, mother is idol, can't do anything wrong. As husband do not dare say anything bad about mother, meddle in the relationship with mother, criticize things mother does or comment in how much time mother is in your lives.
Completely normal acceptable behaviour that nobody in western society questions
>Man has similar relationship with mother
Sick, not normal, unacceptable, requires therapy and ultimatums to fix.
HURR, YOU GOTTA CHOOSE, EITHER IT'S HER OR ME.

Three hip hips for the hypocrisy of modern day feminism! I wonder how many different measuring sticks and standards one requires to be one nowadays.

>>18715205
I am always so hesitant to give conflicting advice from someone’s therapist, even when they are described as total assholes. You’ve presented their advice as absurd, and it might be, but they also might be trying to get you to look at the situation from a different perspective. One of the reasons why therapists are effective is because they shake you out of your normal thinking, but if a therapist does that too soon before trust and understanding is established then people are put off. It’s normal to shop around a little for a therapist you connect with so find a different one and make sure they know your concerns about the old therapist.

Hating your family while you are growing up is a traumatic experience and it’s normal to not be in any rush to forgive them. Know that they will never make it up to you and instead you will have to find solace and closure through your own development and actions. You’re young and you might always hate them or you may find a way to love them moving forward. Your work now is to figure out what you can do to handle your seething on your own without expecting anything from your family. Journaling is usually helpful when it’s this raw, as well as writing letters to each member you hate explaining what happened and why you feel so strongly. Don’t send those letters.

>>18715564
I started seeing him when I was ten and told him that information when I was fourteen. He was the only human on the planet I truly trusted, the only one I thought would listen to everything I said. It was literally the scariest secret I had, I was convinced everyone would think I was a monster if I told anyone, convinced that they'd basically think I was psychopath. And by refusing to believe what I said he confirmed that fear, I literally felt like I was shattering while sitting in front of him. And I haven't described any advice he gave, what obliterated my relationship with him and slammed me into a new level of depression was that he emphatically refused to listen to me. He denied my pain and my perceptions without any flexibility, he wasn't trying to get me to see another side. I still don't love my parents after thirteen years and the horrible irony is that he'd told me multiple times that I was unusually savvy about my emotions.

I've tried the letter thing and that just makes me feel even worse, I get suicidal. I think journaling would produce similar results. And I already know I'm not going to forge relationships with any of them. I think I'm going to change my name and move out of state ASAP.

How to solve fights about nothing with your partner without groveling or apologizing? The type where she suddenly gets upset at you for not acting the way she expected you to. I know 'that's just women' and 'you can't prevent it'. But I need a way to get out of such quarrels without rewarding her for throwing them.

>>18715415
You're probably young but people come and go. You might have found love with someone but what makes them the one? The only reason you even met is because of where you live or work.

>>18714359
Move in together first. If it still goes well then your ready to get married.

>>18715230
You’re in love and that feels incredible, but you’ve had so much loss in your life that you are understandably worried about losing this too. You suspect she’s still hung up on her ex and she’s now lied to you about hanging out with him. Understand that people lie for lots of different reasons, which could be because she hooked up with him (likely) or because she’s worried that you’d worry she did when they were just hanging out so wants to get in front of it (honestly also likely).

Whether she cheated on you or not it was inappropriate for her to lie to you about hanging out with him and you should confront her about it. Bring up that you’re worried because you saw him on her snapchat on his birthday and you feel like she is trying to mislead you by saying she was with Gavin and putting a sticker over K’s face. Do not mention anything about texts or heart emojis as you should not be looking at her phone, even just over her shoulder. You have a new relationship but you’ve been friends for a long time so you should be able to talk about this. Approach her not as an accusation, but as something you need help with understanding why she feels like she has to hide hanging out with an ex and why she’s asking you for advice on how to handle a long time friend that you suspect is K. Give her the opportunity to honestly explain herself. It’s likely she still has feelings for K whether or not she cheated on his birthday, so be prepared for that. If at the end you decide to stay with her then figure out what reasonable things you can ask of her to build trust (which doesn’t include going through texts or sharing passwords).

>>18715712
(cont'd)

Cheating early on in a relationship is a terrible sign, but the first few weeks can be incredibly frothy and uncertain when dating so honestly isn’t always the kiss of death people make it out to be. She may just be working out how to cleanly cut ties with K or she may be unsure about her dedication to your new relationship. Allow yourself to be open to the possibility of the former and be willing to accept the latter. Ultimately you need to make the decision on whether or not you are willing to trust her, and that decision has to be firm one way or other. Do not continue in this relationship without bringing anything up and just suspecting and stewing.

Also, keep in mind how your thinking will change when you’re high. Drugs can provide helpful revelations, but be careful as those revelations always go through the filter of your own prior thoughts and preoccupations. And if you’re already suspicious and paranoid weed and LSD will help you find new "truths" that support those suspicions. Journal your thoughts while high instead of prepping any interpersonal confrontations then.

>>18715239
You mentioned your actual problem right at the beginning - addiction. Addiction loves relationships and we have so much vocabulary available for substance addiction but relatively ignore one of the most common forms of compulsion, addiction to a partner. Right now it feels like that specific woman but it probably doesn’t matter who she is. You need to work on yourself and give yourself the tools for handling your addictive impulses rather than approach this as an interpersonal relationship problem. Find a therapist and ask about how to improve your self-esteem too.

>>18715762
What's weird to me is the girl I was involved with also has an addictive personality. I know in the time together I made her feel good feels. Why is it that it was so easy for her to move on so quickly and totally while I'm still hung up on her after time? I know you can't answer this question with any certainty but it's what I'm thinking in light of what you posted.

>>18715241
It’s not really relationship advice, but so often what are seen as problems in a relationship are really that people need to deal with their own shit first. So that’s where you are, just without the relationship. Instead of asking how to get a date right now, ask yourself how you can prepare yourself to be an engaging partner a year from now. Pick up a hobby that you can talk to other people about and start widening your circle of friends with new activities, like social dancing. Your aim is to build up friendships that can progress naturally into a relationship, rather than trying to attract someone from scratch. If your body sucks find a buddy to work out with. Get yourself in a position where you would want to date you and don’t be desperate and it’ll happen.

>>18715714

Thanks a lot anon. This helped more than I thought it would. I'll bring it up tomorrow to her, even if it terrifies me.

I only mentioned the trip because I had feelings for her, but was scared. And once we did that together, we really bonded, and talked for hours. It was the closest I've been with someone in a long time. I didn't want to pass up the opportunity of getting with her.

>>18715277
You are asking about advice for helping your ex, but you need to sort your own shit out first before you can even consider rationally “helping” someone get over you. You obviously shouldn’t still be living together and it seems like it’s her house so the first step for any kind of healing for either of you would be for you to get out. Homelessness is a particularly deleterious condition and if that is truly your only other option I can understand why you hesitate to make that move.

Staying is sending the signal to her that there’s still a chance of recovery and you are taking advantage of her hope to keep a roof over your head. It’s not the worst reason in the world to take advantage of someone but it definitely isn’t fair to her. However, if you’re so worried about the specter of homelessness and you have a clear exit strategy in the spring then stay knowing that you are hurting this person and ship out absolutely as soon as you can arrange any other lodging. You are faced with the option of a ton of shittiness piling on you or spreading that shit around to someone who loves you. That’s not great, but if you’re going to stick around at least be honest with yourself about what you’re doing.

I have a suspicion that my gf has cheated on my as of the other night ago. We have almost been dating for 2 years and she is pretty kinky in the bed also we are long distance for about 6 months now but every 2 months we see each other for the weekend. She has been wanting to do a threesome which im cool with as we set ground rules. But recently her married friends asked her to do a threesome without me and she happily declined. Now time for the meat of the story 2 nights ago she went to see a movie with this couple and she saw the movie and claimed she blacked out after and found herself just getting home at 5 am. This seemed very suspicious to me and i started to ask rounds of questions to try to figure out what happened. She got irritated with me and wanted to move to a dufferent subject entirely. Any way to cure my suspicion im all ears?

>>18715441
Most people are given models of relationships where conflict is dealt with either explosive fights or avoidance. Communication, setting boundaries, and repair work is hard emotional labor and there aren’t many institutions in place to help people navigate those. Instead what we are given as models of “good” relationships are relationships with no fights so it’s a normal impulse to try and sweep issues under the rug instead of confronting them healthfully. Unaddressed resentment has a way of building and strengthening itself until there is so much hurt and examples of how horrible the other person is that the repair work required can be insurmountable.

Your partner not understanding you have multiple priorities is inappropriate and controlling behavior. Healthy relationships ebb and flow in how much time, support, and attention is given to each other. Sometimes you’ll need to help your mother first and sometimes you’ll make time for partner date night first. If she is not willing to work with you to support you and hash out how to balance that and you have made a meaningful and consistent effort to explain what you need, then leave. There are people out there who are willing to work with you and respect your boundaries and don’t let bad past experiences convince you otherwise.

I'm new to dating, only dated this one girl from tinder and it was over distance as well but it ended sort of shitty, it went from "I'm gonna text you any chance I get and look forward to seeing you and I really like everything about you" to "I'm vague and distant towards you and I don't really care for seeing you but I don't want to leave" and eventually she just left, deleted me off of everything and left. Its weird because I remember doing the exact same things when everything was fine, then over night she changed her attitude and I continued with those things so I don't get the shitty attitude.

Anyways, I think it relates to my problem:
Getting that experience with this girl made me think that I'm ready for dating now, but now that I'm in college and trying to date again I find it really hard to make a move, I'm talking to a few girls right now, but barely, like we never really get a chance because the timetables are weird but they seem to somewhat like me, I'm just not sure how to make a move that implies interest in her, there is this one shy girl I like and want to ask her out but I feel like its too early, but I don't want to wait for too long and regret some chad asking her out. Tinder was easy because its over internet so you could always bail, but this, asking girls irl just, idk, I can't seem to grasp it. Any help for an autismo like me?

>>18715911
Just ask her out dont think about it. That's what i did and it felt like i accidentally did but 2 years down the road and its pretty great. If she says no move on to the next woman don't take it to heart. As of meeting girls in college i just got my roomate and a couple buddies to go hang out near the female dorms and we talk to a large group of women and everyone is comfortable cause everyone is in a giant group.

>>18715487
First off you are incredibly lucky that she had the honesty to tell you that she wasn’t comfortable moving in together. The relationship slide to living together can happen so easily before people are actually ready to make that step and you are so much better off knowing now then a year from now. You may feel anger at her for not trying it out, but no one can force anybody else into a living situation they aren’t comfortable with. She had the right to back out at any point even though it would have been more considerate of you if she had figured that out earlier.

Long distance relationships are just as real and people get just as emotionally invested as close ones, so don’t question the validity of your grief. Eight years is a very long time and getting over first loves is hard because you don’t have any model yet to reassure you that you can move on. But people do get past the grief with time and most people don’t marry the first person they dated.

The most crucial part of moving on is finding a new outlet with the time and emotional energy that is now freed up so that it doesn’t get immediately redirected back to your ex. Deepen friendships with others you didn’t have time for before, talk with your family, make art, go hiking, learn something you’ve been interested in for a while. Reaffirm to yourself that there are other areas of your life that bring you happiness and fulfillment and if you feel like there aren’t any then you were unfairly burdening your relationship with the requirement to maintain your well-being. Losing an eight year relationship can feel like a forest fire rampaging through your life, but allow yourself to nurture the new seedlings that can now flourish with the diminished canopy. You will find someone else and you won’t feel this bad forever.

>>18716021
I appreciate your honesty, and you're pretty much right. I definitely burdened the relationship by putting all my eggs in one basket and forcing the relationship to be a pillar of strength for my well-being. Thank you for your advice.

>>18715653
Ahh, I didn’t realize this was a therapist you saw as a child. You developed an insecure attachment to the child therapist as you had no secure attachments at home and were understandably devastated when he didn’t provide the absolution you needed when you told him your biggest secret. You’re 27 now, you should absolutely try again with a new therapist.

Honestly it sounds like your biggest issue right now isn't finding an answer to what you’re going to do about your family relationships. If you are feeling suicidal journaling or writing letters that’s a sign that you cannot sit with your own thoughts and emotions currently as they are too scary and potentially destructive. When that’s the case people often move to deal with their issues through avoidance, which is what cutting ties, changing your name, and moving out of state is. Those ultimately may be the right decisions for you, but doing that is not going to change your thinking and your problems will move with you.

Along with seeing a therapist, web search for “overcoming distress intolerance.” You need to develop skills to handle these intense feelings when they come up. There are lots of resources out there and you can feel better, so allow yourself to commit to trying the healthy solutions.

>>18716065
Thanks, I'll look into the distress intolerance thing.

Just broke out of a toxic reconnected LDR with someone who played me. They literally begged for me back, I let them win me back though most if not 99% of my feelings for them were gone.

I started working and find some of my coworkers pretty cool and cute too.

How do I approach and get IRL girls interested in me and how do I stop getting emotionally invested in girls online and what would be a good way get closer with my co-workers

>>18715672
Fights about nothing are incredibly distressful and are a sign that a relationship does not have an effective communication or repair mechanism. Don’t chalk it up to it being “just women” and that there’s nothing you can do about it - it is inappropriate behavior and shouldn’t be a feature of your relationship.

Often these nothing fights are indicative of not having an established, non-judgmental way to give and receive feedback. Tell her outside of a fight that you want to communicate more effectively and are want to work with her to diminish the intensities of your fight so you can both hear each other better.

She will need to change her approach, but so will you. Make sure you are clear with your boundaries and don’t apologize for something you don’t mean. You can’t know what she wants and expects unless she communicates it, so you should not feel like you need to be accountable to every criticism she dumps on you. A healthy relationship gives each partner lots of slack and it sounds like that’s not present here.

>>18716150
(cont'd)

I recommended it above, but web search for "drama triangle" and see how closely you find your partner fits the “starting gate persecutor” role. And see where you feel like you land on the triangle yourself. It really truly does take two to fight and if you feel it getting out of control you always have the option to remove yourself and go on a walk (though let her know when you’re not fighting that you’ll be doing this so that it’s not a surprise). Before you remove yourself, reaffirm that you care about her and want to work out the issue but that you don’t think either of you are in a place where you can hear the other person. Say when you’ll be back, and then leave. The rough standard is to take first 20 minutes apart, then come back and see if it’s still bad, and if it is then 40 minutes, 4 hours, 12 hours, then 24 hours.

Ultimately you need to fundamentally rework how you approach stress points so that you work together instead of fighting. Be deliberate and upfront with your partner about what you will be doing and then follow through on it. And tell her explicitly what she can do to help you feel less attacked during disagreements. If she refuses or doesn’t follow through, get out. Not everyone is like this and honestly changing conflict management styles with someone who is not onboard is a miserable and demoralizing slog.

>>18715779
It’s not surprising that she also has an addictive personality as two addicts together help normalize and reinforce each other’s addictive behaviors. How she recovers is her own business and has no bearing on you or on how much she cared about you. You're in a much easier position now - all you have to work on is handling your own issues and you don't have to contend with how yours interacts with hers.

>>18716150
>>18716154
Thanks for the advice. The cause of the fight is usually me behaving in an unexpected/undesired way when the right action was supposed to be obvious. It's like losing an game of gotcha without knowing you were playing one.

Perhaps I should add that I am oversensitive to this sort of thing. Sometimes I see people explode in rage and then others who were there too later tell me that the person in question. When we had fights like this earlier, she would tell me she didn't get why I act like it's the end of the world when it happens.
There's some reasons for this that go back to my childhood and they're not the nicest memories to say the least. Do you think it is a good idea to explain that part and why I am really terrified of such situations and want to solve them as soon as possible?

I've gone through decades of narcissist abuse, leaving me emotionally scarred. My dating experiences were also abysmal. I've always felt like an outcast, my confidence is non-existant.

I've had two relationships. One ended suddenly after some years when the woman just decided, out of the blue, to end it. I had no control over the situation.

The currently ongoing relationship is troubled, with the woman having unpredictable fits every now and then - I make a mistake that I deem minor, and she feels unappreciated or something, and angrily goes silent. The intra-relationship rejection is killing me inside. I do not know if I should normally be able to predict and avoid the causative events for these fits. In any case, I can't - her reasons often seem minor and petty to me, even if I do get to know them. She also never forgets or forgives. I've previously suffered decades of the "silent treatment" from someone else, starting from childhood, and really really can't deal with it anymore.

Having to move for a job might also wreck the relationship, if our own problems won't do it. I don't feel in control over the outcome.

I feel I can't trust this or any other future relationship to last, and I am wondering how other people manage to have families. Will I ever be able to trust, or am I damaged due to the narcissist abuse I received?

I lived with my uncle for a while. First time seeing him in maybe 15 years. He is happily married and has a daughter my age. They're all good people and I love them.

I am so, so attracted to him. It's insane. He isn't objectively handsome or anything, he's shorter than me and obviously much older, but he's so funny and interesting and one of the best people I know. I thought about raping him. I want to attack him and do things to him. But I'd also like a more peaceful, traditional relationship. We'd sit at the table, eating, I'd laugh at some joke he made, but all I can think about is I want to rip his clothes off and I want to bite him and I want us to fuck and I want to suck his dick.

I'm horrified of what goes through my mind. I plan on leaving here and removing myself from the situation and hope these horrible thoughts go away. Until then I'm paranoid I'll say something or do something to make them suspect me. I need some advice please.

>>18715859
So your partner’s either claiming passing out standing drunk for hours after a movie or somehow experienced temporary dissociate amnesia. Either option would be a big issue and it absolutely normal for you to ask questions and be curious. Even if there wasn’t the possibility of cheating, such an event is uncommon to say the least and you should both be invested in figuring out what happened. She probably hooked up with the couple as this is pretty blatantly avoidant behavior.

Your suspicion does not need to be cured; she needs to be held accountable for her actions like a mature adult. Approach her and say that you feel disconnected from her after that night and you want to work with her to figure out what happened and what to do moving forward. Tell her explicitly that her actions have led you to reasonably assume that she hooked up with the couple or that she is not being fully open with you. Offer to listen to her account of the night completely without responding until she is done. Decide ahead of time if she cheated if you are still willing to be with her moving forward and are willing to put in the work required to reestablish trust. If it’s too much for you, then give yourself a day to collect your thoughts after the conversation and get out. If she maintains the blackout story without offering compelling reasons how she blacked out, get out. Maintaining such a clear and obvious lie is pretty severe emotional manipulation.

>>18715799
Good luck tomorrow! No matter what happens you will be in a much better position than if you had tried to tamp down your hurt from her attempting to mislead you. You deserve a relationship built on a foundation of trust, whether it ends up being with this person or someone else.

>>18715133
I missed this, but basically all the tips I mentioned here >>18715788 apply to this same question. Like yourself first and it'll make it so much easier for other people to like you too.

>>18715911
Again, my specialty is not in how to make relationships start but how to make them better or end them once they do exist. However, if there's a spark of attraction all it needs is nurturing. If you're anxious about asking them out as a date just ask them out as friends. Find something cool in the area to do and ask her to go with you. Do it with other friends too if you're still nervous about that. It's not a big deal to ask people to hang and it's also not a big deal if they say no. Hang out with her late, and if it's after 1AM and it's just the two of you then know she's almost certainly thought about kissing you and give it a shot. If you're wrong, be gracious about it, and move on.

So many people think getting with a person happens all at once, but that's just not true for everybody and especially not if you are inexperienced. Most relationships build up to intimacy, so be patient and put in the work.

I've been a relationship/long distance relationship for 8 months with a transgender woman.
We've broke up and got back with each other 4 times. Each time she would go on dating sites and have men sleep over at her house. And I also mess up and slept with someone else while we were broken up. She not alcoholic or a drug addict and never has sex with the guys from my knowledge. Our goal is to live with each other but I'm very uncertain since our history. I have a really good time with her and we emotionally click, it just hard to look past that each time we broke up she would have "aqaintences" sleep over and she would post pictures of the guys on Instagram. She wouldn't show there faces but make it obvious they slept over to make me jealous.

Also concern about my work and family because I know this isn't a conventional relationship.

I was in a relationship with a bpd girl for 5 years of my life, from high school to 21. We broke up recently, and although I'm missing her I know it's for the best. I'm worried that I might be emotionally damaged, but I don't know how I'd tell if I was. There's therapists that work at the school I go to, should I maybe see someone?

Also, how do I get over my feelings for my ex, and how do I get over the fact that she started seeing someone so quickly after I moved out? She got with a co-worker within a week of me moving out, maybe even before that; they then broke up a week before I got back in town and now she wants to talk to me again. I took advantage of my time alone to spend time with friends and family, and I feel like I've improved myself as a person. Meanwhile she jumped right into a relationship, almost committed suicide, OD'd on her mood medication. I know she isn't healthy but I still love her and have feelings for her even if I wouldn't date her again now. It's hard remembering how things used to be between us

>>18715161
You sound young and OP is right.

Those you loved and never got tend to stay as you grow older. That's real magic that such women get into you heart.

As example I still love my ex-wife even though I am really happy with my current wife. I will always care for my ex and at the same time now that I would never switch back to her.

>>18716545

>> "I voluntarily spent 5 years in a relationship with someone who had a cluster B personality disorder"

Wtf you nignog. If indeed you emerged emotionally undamaged from this ride, I'm calling dibs on your brain because I myself am in dire need of a thinking organ that is resistant to Cluster B personality disorder bullshit abuse.

You can't not take damage from this. Unless you're a psychopath yourself or something, I guess. In any case, stay away from her.

>>18716609
I'm def not saying that I emerged without any kind of emotional injury lel. I think I'm doing okay for myself though, better than I thought I would. She was a huge part of my life for years, but I feel like I've started to move on in a healthy fashion. I would in no way consider myself a psycopath, but I consider myself really lucky that I haven't fallen into depression or really unhealthy patterns. I've read accounts of people who were with similar people and the aftermath of some their relationships have wrecked them forever

>>18716545

Is OP still around? Honestly I was hoping for some advice, but I think I know what to do. Don't know if you'll see this, but I honestly have to thank you for spending some time to help people out. Although I didn't agree with absolutely everything you said, I think you gave some sounds advice to people who needed it; it felt good watching people recognize their problems and decide to take them head on with a little bit of direction.

Kudos OP!

I’m back, will try to answer some more.

>>18716193
Dealing with narcissists can absolutely be traumatic, and you have been subject to their particular brand of emotional manipulation and abuse for an extremely long time. Everyone has their own subjective reality, but people with narcissistic personality disorder are especially detached from objective reality and are highly invested in, and often skilled at, getting others to accept their warped version of events. They are master manipulators and will make you question your own boundaries, expectations, and memories. It is not normal and it is not behavior that you are doomed expect.

To establish what is and isn’t appropriate behavior from your examples: you should not be expected to predict what will set her off. Narcissists set up environments where their partner (or any close relationship) feels like they are walking on eggshells all the time because they expect others to be as responsive to what goes on in their head as they are. That’s obviously impossible, but narcissists have a way of couching those absurdities in ways that makes other people feel like they are the ones messing up. The silent treatment is absolutely inappropriate behavior, as is never forgiving. It honestly sounds like a miserable relationship, and rather than try to fix it (and if your current partner is a narcissist it is SO much work) you probably need to get out.

>>18717318
(cont'd)

You need to do some work on yourself first to be open to a healthy relationship. You have experienced a persistent and insidious trauma and it has given you many unhealthy ways of looking at yourself, relationships, and others. Narcissists operate skillfully to get what they want and slowly chip away at the boundaries of other people in their lives until years down the line completely inappropriate behavior and abuse is normalized. Unfortunately we don’t really have an effective treatment model for narcissistic personality disorder yet. Instead, the people around narcissists have to be trained to contain the effects of the narcissist. Luckily for you, that means that control of getting this type of behavior out of your life is in your hands.

See a therapist. By this point you definitely have a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior and need to learn how to effectively set and maintain boundaries. You have to identify when something unreasonable is being asked or expected of you and how to skillfully advocate for your boundaries and reality. Often long-term emotional abuse develops marginally, one boundary pushed a little bit at a time, and you need to identify how to stop this cycle you’ve been in for so long. In future relationships, be open about your history with emotional abuse and let your partner know that you are particularly susceptible to emotional manipulation and that you are looking for a relationship with understanding and slack. You can find that type of healthy relationship, and once you have developed some skills of your own you will find trust will come much more easily.

>>18716181
Sharing your history with your partner is a good idea and can help them understand why you are particularly sensitive to fights. And it could also help you deal come to terms with your own history as well. Some people normalize fights much more than others and the two of you need to work out how to deal with stress points effectively if your relationship is going to work.

>>18716201
Don’t fuck your uncle. You don’t need to feel horrified at your thoughts and trying not to think about it will make it feel even more all-consuming. People feel inappropriate attraction all the time, and incest fetishes are almost as common as foot fetishes at this point. You need to find a way to redirect these feelings to some other outlet. Try creating a horny tumblr, watch incest porn, or create role play fantasies you could act out with an understanding partner later on down the line. But you should absolutely not do anything with your uncle or mention this to your family. The taboo around incest is a healthy one, and acting on this impulse will completely upend all the positive parts of your relationship with him.

>>18716836

I have two questions:

does a relationship have a chance if the parents dont approve?

and is love real in your opinion?

>>18713836

I'm in love with this guy but his parents don't like me so he broke it off with me. I've dated around and am even dating this guy who should be good for me but i can't stop thinking about my ex.

My ex told me he loves me too and didn't really really explain why we can't be together. i mean we love each other alot. I probably sound really immature

>>18716508
When you break up, you are telling someone that all the rules and expectations that you established in a relationship no longer apply. When you are not dating she can sleep with whoever she wants as soon as she wants and so can you. It doesn’t matter if she’s doing it to make you jealous or not - when you are not in a relationship she has no obligation to you and she can work through the breakup however she likes. If that type of jealousy baiting behavior persists inside the relationship that is problematic, but you haven’t indicated that’s the case. Neither you nor her messed up by exploring other people when you weren’t dating and you need to accept that if you want this relationship to work.

Breaking up four times in eight months is a lot and there’s obviously more going on here than what you’ve mentioned. With something this turbulent I would wait until you have at least a year of a consistent healthy relationship together under your belts before you try living together. As for concerns about work and family, those are definitely legitimate and can add unwelcome stress to both the relationship and yourself. People will judge. But people judge everything and if you allow others' approval to guide your attempts at finding happiness you will end up unfulfilled and nobody else will care. Love who you love and allow yourself to be surprised by who in your life will support your decisions.

>>18716545
Bipolar personality disorder is very similar to narcissistic personality disorder, especially in the context of how it affects their partner, so look to my advice here >>18717318 as many of the same tips apply. Being in an intimate relationship with someone who has BPD is traumatic and has almost certainly affected you in some way.

Different people handle breakups in all sorts of ways. You sound well-adjusted and honestly reflective and found healthy methods to move on from the relationship. Your ex did not. There is no universal standard for how long someone should wait to hook up with someone else after a breakup and you should not try to apply your standards to her when you are no longer dating. You can feel sad or sympathetic to her flailing now but you are not responsible for them. It’s perfectly normal to still have feelings for her, just remember that you have made an assessment that your relationship will not work and that you are sticking to your decision. Luckily for you, moving from a BPD partner to someone else that is more well-adjusted is like a ray of sunshine that will help affirm that you made the right decision. Unfortunately for your ex, she will likely jump around unhappily until she crashes so hard she seeks therapeutic help. Even though you still care about her, it is not your place to help her anymore and she will need to make that realization on her own time.

If you have access to it I would see a therapist. Therapy is not only for people with debilitating named mental health conditions and a few months of therapy now could help you immensely later on in life. Work on some skills for setting boundaries and talk with your therapist about if you have a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior. People underestimate just how traumatic living with those with BPD can be, so better to get in front of any issues that may have been normalized in that relationship now so you can find something more healthy and fulfilling in the future.

>>18717455
Absolutely, relationships can thrive in all kinds of adverse conditions. If the parents don’t approve that certainly can make it harder, but a healthy relationship can overcome that. Handling tricky parents with a supportive partner is so much easier compared to those I answered previously above struggling with partners with narcissism or BPD. If your partner is not willing to work with you to handle their parents’ disapproval then no, it won’t likely work out. But if you have found a partner that you have effective communication with and you are both willing to put in the work required then you have more than a chance, you have a pretty good shot.

Of course love is real. If you don’t think love is real then you need to update your definition of what love is and learn how to believe others. Love is real, feelings are real, other people’s love is real, and just because you haven’t personally experienced it or have been burned in the past doesn’t make it a myth.

>>18717475
Your ex sounds much more immature than you do. A break up is an ending, and if someone initiates a break up they need to fully accept the consequences of that. If he’s telling you he loves you afterwards he’s holding you on the backburner so he can keep you as an option in case he changes his mind. He likely won’t, end even if he does that’s very emotionally manipulative and you should be extremely hesitant about taking him back.

It doesn’t matter why the relationship ended. You may feel like you need the “real” explanation for what happened to achieve closure, but you don’t and asking him for it is only going to open you up to further manipulation. What matters much more for moving on is coming to terms with that you loved someone strongly and it didn’t work out and that’s OK. You can still feel love for him but you need to start looking forward instead of obsessing over what went wrong. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to these new people you are starting to date.

>>18717318
>>18717325

Thank you for your reply.

I am not sure if my gf is a narcissist; in any case, the narcissist who damaged me in the past was worse by orders of magnitude. But some of my gf's behaviours are eerily similar. I'm hesitant to break up because I don't know whether I'll find someone new, at all. The fear of again getting trapped in a relationship with a narcissist controls my life, and makes me think of marriage as the most retarded thing on this gay earth.

I am in therapy, and after painstakinlgy finding out wtf is wrong with me, it seems that my therapist is now indeed pushing me to try to establish healthy boundaries.

Again, thank you for your advice. Receiving additional perspectives on my situation is proving to be a very useful addition to my therapy efforts.

>>18713836
So my gf says I'm too clingy. The only reasons she can really come up with is that I want to cuddle when we sleep and that I don't just ignore her when I'm over at her place. As far as I'm concerned I'm not, I mean I don't mind if she does stuff on her own or even want to hang out all the time. She suggested taking a break too, which I already know is bad news. But when I said alright she said she sounded hesitant and said she doesn't know how else to go about it. She said she doesn't want to break up though.

I'm just really asking if it's possible to save or if it's time to move on.

>>18717797
There’s the standard adage that we are attracted to people who embody our past trauma because we are subconsciously trying to finally fix what we can never actually go back and change. I think that may be true for some people, but what I’ve seen more often is that people are more willing to accept behavior that resembles their past trauma because they have normalized aspects of that behavior and just consider it a part of relationships. So for you, when a fight happens you are more likely to accept that your partner is not being accountable for meanness or impatience and you might find it much more natural to be the one who has to put the pieces back together and take on more of the repair work on your own. These small tendencies can build up until you find yourself in a relationship that resembles the horrible one that came before, though not quite as bad.

The golden rule to relationships is that you should never stay in one just because you worry that you won’t find someone else. You deserve better than that and so does your partner. Especially if you feel dread at the prospect of marriage that indicates that you are currently not finding support and happiness in this relationship. I’m glad to hear you’re already addressing your boundaries with your therapist, and if you’re unsure how much of the problems with the current relationship is you and how much is your partner you’re actually in a great position to find out.

>>18718323
(cont'd)

Tell your partner that you are going to be trying to establish firming boundaries around your fights and what you need and that you will need her help to support your new efforts. Experiment with establishing boundaries with her and see how she responds. If she makes effort to support you (and she may not be great at it at first as you are shaking up the inertia of your relationship substantially), then awesome. If she pushes back harder and tries to play it off as not a big deal, then you can feel much more comfortable leaving as that is absolutely not the type of relationship you want.

Emotional abuse creates similar devastation as physical and sexual abuse, and you would expect that if you shared a history with sexual abuse with your partner she would be understanding and gentle with you when it comes to physical intimacy. You should expect that same level of understanding for your emotional abuse. If you’re looking for concrete asks that you can make of your partner, check out The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real. He has a bunch of great examples in there of what is unacceptable behavior and what are effective structures for de-escalating conflict.

>>18713836
I don't really love my GF anymore but Jesus Christ I try so much shit to do so and I know there is a chance to rekindle the feelings again.
I would leave her, because its unfair, but I'm really desperate to love again, which I know is the wrong mindset but I dunno. Which ways are there to fall in love with a perosn again?

This thread needs to be a sticky.

will ask for adv later when i get home from work. awesome replies OP.

>>18717816
An important aspect of healthy relationships is that if you offer criticism of your partner you should be also offering suggestions for how they can improve their behavior and address your concern. You’re right that “clingy” is a very vague term and you are understandably looking for what concrete actions she is reacting to that could be adjusted. Your partner needs to do the emotional labor required to identify what behavior is making her uncomfortable, let you know some small actions you can do to show you are willing to work with her, and then you need to follow through on those requests. Also know that it is not unreasonable for you to want to cuddle when you go to bed, but it is also not unreasonable for a partner to be uncomfortable with close cuddling when they are trying to go to sleep. You can respect her need for a good night’s sleep while also asking for a few minutes of intimate cuddling at the end of the night before you both roll over. When preferences clash is when communication and achieving consensus is most important and that one issue might be a good spot to try talking about first.

That’s all if you want to try to save this though. She doesn’t sound very open and communicative and if she’s seeing clinginess where there’s just normal relationship attention then she probably has her own issues to work through, which can be difficult in a relationship. Breaks can be helpful tools, but they are often used manipulatively and honestly it sounds like asking for it here is just her attempting to avoid the issue and hoping that you’ll cave. If this all sounds like too much work, just get out. There are plenty of people out there that will more naturally appreciate the healthy attention you can provide.

>>18713836
Ive never dated before, i hate dating. However, I am dating someone. She has been such a pivitol friend in my life even before i confessed my love to her, shes attractive, and (even after 6 months) she has been very emotionally stable (which means worlds to me bc my parents were both wrecks) and i want her to be it. I want to marry her. It sounds crazy, but i do. The problem is we will be going to 2 different schools for 2 years until were done with schooling. We wont be seeing echother everyday anymore like at our university. We will be 20 minutes away though.

I dont want to loose her, and i feel like i might find someone else and break her heart like what her last 2 dates did to her (one actually cheated on her) and i dont want her to leave me either. I see so many other relationships and none seems to be as right as this one. This is pure and real. I want to keep her.

She's everything. The first girl ive kissed, fucked, held hands with, hugged, everything man. I dont want to loose her..

>>18718328
Having a preference for different preferences is a quick way to drive yourself totally up the wall. People fall out of love all the time and that’s sad but a normal part of life. However, people in relationships also go through peaks and troughs with how much love they feel for their partner and that’s normal too. Rather than trying to force yourself to love her again because you think you should, ask yourself if this could just be a standard low spot that you can both work through together.

If you think this may just be a temporary low spot then you need to look for ways to establish more honesty and intimacy. Tell your girlfriend that you have been feeling disconnected recently and you want to work with her to become closer. Make sure you two are having fun together and doing more than just updating each other on how your days went. Do your own work to figure out what she could do to delight you and then ask her for it. You have likely let this feeling build up for a while and not telling your partner leads to you pulling away more and breeds additional disconnection and resentment. Remember, you are not trying to force love to come back but rather are being purposeful about creating the conditions where love can flourish again.

If you’re not thinking about marrying this person though, just leave. Or if this relationship has been less than a year long. If the type of love you need in this relationship doesn’t organically come back after making efforts to work at this disconnect together then you owe it to the both of you to make a firm decision and end it.

>>18718547
You’re about to experience a shake up in your relationship and that’s scary. However, there’s nothing structurally problematic about your new situation besides that it’s different than what you’re used to. People thrive in long distance relationships all the time, and this isn’t even long distance, just farther apart than before. If you’re thinking about marriage then this a great first test on how you two handle stressors together.

If you were seeing each other every day naturally at school then you will have to be more deliberate about spending time together moving forward. That means establishing schedules and date nights and working together to keep communication open in a way that isn’t overbearing or too sporadic. You’re new to dating, so know that being in a relationship doesn’t require spending every day together, and new relationships are often healthier if you don’t. If you try to spend every day together with this new added barrier of the drive you could easily overwhelm her or yourself. Your focus now should be on maintaining consistent high quality time when you are together.

You’re concerned about losing her but the same reasons why you could lose her exist whether you are going to school together or apart. People don’t stay in healthy relationships because they have no other options, they stay because they feel fulfilled, supported, and loved. Your history with emotionally unstable parents makes you particularly susceptible to worries about abandonment, which can lead to destructive jealousy and paranoia. Trust does not mean checking up on each other constantly and verifying stories, it means taking your partner at their word and counting on them to follow the rules you’ve established in your relationship. Both of you will be meeting other people and spending more time apart, but if you make time for each other and continue to celebrate each other you can definitely make it through these next two years happily.

>>18718699
Thanks a bunch anon!