Mental Health

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hey, the more i think about it, i have bipolar disorder mixed with substance abuse.
its harder to tell now with pretty dumb addiction issues but i still recognise episodes.
but i dont want a diagnosis. that shit goes to insurance companies and fucks you in the ass.
i abuse almost everything right now and im tapering everything but opiates. too good. maybe one day. my brain can be so retarded i fantasize sbout shooting h until i die to make it stop.
right now i think im starting to cycle to depression with a mixed episode as a buffer. i was just making shitloads of investments and getting ideas and starting projects and asking people to hang, even thinking i could become super rich and famous, and i talked my ass off about everything. now its mood swings and a mix of the two making me want to do violent and stupid things. ill get suicidal thoughts, self harm impulses, and vigilante justice ideas. ive also been extra paranoid, more than normal, to thinking about betrayal and poison and cameras and thinking people are talking to me. last time i was having sex with my gf it felt like a shadow man was watching the whole time. sometimes i can barely move or speak then i get energy bursts. soon ill be "who gives a shit" and lay in bed all day and probably make up reasons to skip work/uni. last time i took shitloads of oxy xan and whiskey, took a hot bath, cut myself, and didnt give a shit what happened.
i honestly dont trust doctors or their meds or the whole complex. dont want financial or social effects of a diagnosis?