About to break up with my girlfriend

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ440xOiyho

I have dispelled her irrational notions of me supposedly not liking her anymore, and given her evidence and told her how I feel, to which she just ends up ignoring me, like "I don't want to talk about it/I don't believe you". Along with seeing these guys on holiday she went with who cheated on their girlfriends behind their backs and her ex cheating on her, I think she's scared I'll cheat on her/have been cheating or she thinks I'll abandon her and break up, especially when she has abandonment issues because of her dad killing himself, being cheated on in her past relationship and almost definitely being BPD.

>>18710824
So...what's your goal? Are you looking for how to handle the breakup or how not to breakup?

>>18710835
Ideally, I want to stay together and try and fix this, or at least make her regret her decision if she's intent on breaking up.
There was a talk of a breakup while I was on holiday the 2nd time, and I get the impression she doesn't want to try to fix this. I want to try and convince her that this is a rough patch and couples go through fighting and not everything is great. But with the fighting that's happened and the potential of a breakup, it just caused me a lot of emotional pain and I don't know if it's something I can carry on with anymore myself if it carries on like this, even though I want us to stay together and fix this.

If things don't go as expected, I want to know how to handle the break up well and leave on good terms. When we don't fight, we're really good together (or at least used to be), and I want to try to maintain that breaking up, assuming I don't manage to make things the way they used to be/make her want me again.

The way I see it, I could play this two ways:
1) Be civil, understanding and just handle breaking up in a civil manner, but not get any closure.

2) Ask her questions that have been on my mind/confront her about a few things, but lose the potential to end on a good note but gain closure for things that have been on my mind that I couldn't ask if there wasn't the possibility of a break up.

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>21 F
>bpd
I think you should be very honest with her. Given the circumstances, you are not obligated to be with her and you know that. But with BPD, especially in relationships, it's hard to see other people's perspectives. I think the best way to do it is to bring up the problems you guys had (obviously in a nice way) and also address her problems that she has. Not like "Oh you have issues I can't deal with it!" But instead try to give a healthy perspective, like saying "To feel this angry/ upset/ negative while in a relationship isn't healthy for her either."
I know for me, it's alot easier when people also say that. I know it seems attention grabbing, but honestly it's more validating that anything. When we don't feel important/ loved/ validated, our whole lives can feel like it's falling apart even if the other postive variables are present. It will help her understand. I would also try saying that you don't want to see her hurt, you want her to take care of herself. Just like how you're doing for yourself. Admittedly, you cannot change your actions or arguments, whatever. But the best thing you can do is improving the situation at hand. Not only is this something you think is best but these are also *your* feelings that are real just like hers. Don't try to walk around the topic too much, but try to keep it civil of course.

>>18710852
So I'd get rid of the thought of wanting to make her regret it completely, that's not beneficial at all. Is there fighting about anything legitimate or just her speculations?

>>18710871
She's 19, and I don't know for certain she has it but I'm very inclined to think so - she had a troubled past that would explain it, and most of the symptoms are there.

I realise I'm not obligated to be with her and I myself could break up at any moment, but honestly I don't want to. It's my first relationship (inb4 you'll get over it) and I know I'd be miserable for ages if we broke up and I don't think I'd be able to find someone like her again. Apart from the recent fighting and the shit that goes with it, I have no desire to break up and I'm really happy.

I've been thinking about being honest and I'm aware of all the problems that she has as a result of BPD and I've tried to be accommodating for it within reason. Yes she has issues, but I've been meaning to address them and also reflect on how our issues in the relationship make me feel, and how it affects both of us.
>Admittedly, you cannot change your actions or arguments, but the best thing you can do is improving the situation at hand
This is the point I tried to make to her in a calm manner after I screwed up - I'm only human and I will make mistakes (as would she), and I'm intent on fixing things and making it right despite the circumstances. However, I get the notion she wasn't that interested in trying to fix things and instead would rather have a fresh start.

I realise a lot of the signs suggest I should break up with her, but I don't want to do it and I don't think I can bring myself to.

>>18710879
The fighting stemmed from the things I said/did, which I would say is probably fair game for her to be pissed. But her thinking I cheated on her/don't like her anymore is just speculation and she has no grounds to think so. When I said so and told her I've never given her any reason to believe I'm cheating, and asked her why she thinks I am, she just said she doesn't believe I'm not and didn't want to talk.

>>18710879
Summary of things I did to lead to the fights + break up talk, and some context:

1) I came over to her parents' house for dinner, and her parents were giving me life advice for the future. I didn't want to cut off her parents and be rude, so I focused my attention on them, while she kept talking every now and then during the conversation. I couldn't hear her parents, so I shushed her - not in a single, harsh tone but just so she would be quiet. I don't know why I did it, but I did and it pissed her off because she felt like she was being treated like a child, and that no-one ever did that to her before.

2) We were having coffee together the day before I left for holiday, and I jokingly called her frigid - I don't know why I did it, but I told her I genuinely don't think she is and it was a stupid joke that came out wrong. Come to think of it, I don't know why I did but I immediately felt bad and told her I didn't mean it.
>Context
She come over to my house for dinner, and we were cuddled up watching a movie while my parents were upstairs two storeys up. I started playfully teasing her and hinting at sex, but she didn't warm up to the idea and didn't want to, despite otherwise being very keen on having sex and fooling around on the couch, not to mention we've had sex before in the exact same scenario. She didn't want to because my parents were upstairs and couldn't explicitly tell me no/yes, and her indecisiveness just annoyed me so I called it quits on advances and carried on watching the movie. To her, it appeared like I was annoyed she wouldn't have sex with me, and because of this I think she thinks I'm using her for sex and expecting her to have sex every time she comes round (I never expect it and will never force her and I never want her to think I would, and I've explained this to her several times).

>>18710928
OP I was referring to me, I'm 21 who was diagnosed with BPD.
In that case, if you're trying to save the relationship I would definitely work on communication skills. One of the hardest parts of being in a relationship for me is literally getting angry or negative for no good reason and you can't shake it plus feeling like I can't express my feelings correctly. I'll say something and my boyfriend will hear something else. Or I'll focus on one thing instead of the big picture. I guess the reason why I'm explaining it is because it sounds like she has a similar situation to me. You gotta let her know that you're trying to be there for her, consistently. It takes two to form a relationship and all you're trying to do is make it work. Straight up, you need to tell her she needs to reach out to you. Even if it takes a while for her to talk it out, she needs to try. She needs to know that it's not just healthy for you or the relationship but it affects her and you notice it. As much as a fresh start would be cool, it doesn't take away her issues. It doesn't make anything better but just avoiding the problem instead of fixing it. And you can't fix anything if she isn't even interested. Remind her that you're not doing it for your sake, that you guys are a team.

>>18710962
Same responder here-
Definitely one of the biggest issues from reading context is that she's literally seeing things a whole other way. Usually it's because your view of reality is distorted and your self esteem is unstable. She definitely needs to realize that things aren't the way she thinks all the time, not in a mean way. But it's not as all bad as it may seem.

>>18710955
(2 continued)
>inb4 stop it she didn't want to
We kind of have a dom/sub fetish in our sex life, and she has told me before she gets shy when it comes to sex and wants me to force her sometimes to get over her shyness - she wants me to push her over the edge, and she consents to it.

3) I was in Macy's on holiday, and I jokingly asked her what her dress size was as I was buying her a dress. When she refused to tell me because she didn't want me to buy her a dress, I said I wasn't being serious and I wouldn't actually buy expensive gifts until I knew the relationship was long-term, and I would be the same with everyone. She was hurt and thinks I don't consider the relationship long-term.
>Context
I'm kind of broke right now, and I avoided going out for drinks and other things because it's expensive. We were in a bar and she ordered a drink, but I didn't because I was broke. She said that I'm in no position to consider buying dresses if I can't even afford to go out for drinks. But the primary reason was that she was hurt I didn't consider the relationship long-term, even though I dispelled that thought and I told her I definitely do and consider us long-term and I hope we do [become long-term]. I've made countless gestures in the past and even now that I consider us long-term and I make my plans around us being together, and I have no notion of breaking up. Her previous ex was also rich who would casually buy her expensive things all the time, so I think she judges me based off him, even though she's said several times she never expects me to buy her anything of any sort, and she doesn't like to be bought things i.e. she wants to be independent financially (that's something we both agree on). She said this occurrence wasn't as bad as the other ones.

The point I tried to put across was that no-one in their right mind would buy expensive things for each other in relationships really early, and the fact that I was joking had nothing to do with her.

>>18710982
>>18710955
(3 continued)
But in all honesty, who actually goes around buying expensive things early into the relationship? That's the point I tried to make in a civil way, and when I was initially joking I tried to make it as obvious as possible so she wouldn't get the wrong idea.

I realise now all of these points make me look bad, and that the things I said were in poor taste, at least at face value. The things I said is not how I intended to come out, and she simply misunderstood me. She interpreted everything for the worst and was hurt as a result of it. They were wrong for me to say, but the way she took them makes me look in a different light to how I actually think. Take the case of me calling her frigid - she probably thinks I got annoyed that I didn't get sex from her, and I acted all cold afterwards and called her frigid because I expected sex of her and didn't get it - this is absolutely not the case and I was just annoyed over her being indecisive and the day after was just a stupid joke which I don't remember making.

>>18710962
>Work on communication skills
I've been meaning to, especially as 95% of our problems have resulted from her misinterpreting what I said or taking it the worst possible way. Granted, it was mostly my fault and I didn't say things right, but I tried to justify and fix things. What I've been trying to figure out is that she keeps taking some things the wrong way, like I'm intent on hurting her even though I have no reason or desire to. I wanted to ask her why I why she thinks so, but haven't done so out of fear of starting another argument.
>I'll say something and my boyfriend will hear another
This goes both ways for us. I've been trying to work on this with her, and convince that the way something comes across isn't how it actually is, and she's just misunderstanding me. I've also done that where I misinterpreted something she said and we had a fight because of it.
>You gotta let her know that you're trying to be there for her, consistently
I've been trying to do this since Day one. While most of the time she believes me and that my intentions are good, she seems to forget and not believe me that I'm trying to be there for her during the times when it matters most, like when we fight.
>Tell her she needs to reach out to you
I've been trying to get her to open up to me for ages, but she seems more content on bottling things up and not talking to anyone about it, because she believes there's no use in telling people her problems as they don't need to hear it and "it only gives them leverage to hurt me". I've told her several times that if she ever wants to talk to me about anything, I'm always here for her, or if something bad happened to her I offer support and ask her if she wants to talk about. Myself personally, I normally feel better talking to people about my problems so I kind of apply the same logic to her and hope she can open up to me and feel better, but she insists she's fine on bottling up her emotions and problems.

>>18711022
>>18710962
>as much as a fresh start would be cool, it doesn't take away her issues.
This is a good point to make, so thank you. I don't know how to convey this to her without upsetting her.
I think a lot of the problems we have or the potential reasons for her wanting to break up goes back to her fear of abandonment - she never told me she had it (but people who have it never realise they have it let alone tell you) and I don't know how to mention it to her that she has it as a reason for the way she feels/perceives things with me, i.e. cheating on her, out to hurt her, leave her etc.

But I don't see how I can mention it to her in a way that won't upset her or backfire by mentioning it. In my mind, if I explained it to her, she might make more sense of her emotions and perhaps understand her reasons for wanting to leave me and maybe we could work on these together and help dispel whatever fears/worries she has about me and the relationship.
I think for a lot of her problems which she has, she would greatly benefit from going to therapy about it, but I don't know how to suggest it without insulting her or hurting her.
>Remind her that you're not doing it for your sake, that you guys are a team
I've said this several times to her, but she doesn't pick up on it.

>>18710979
Is there any way I can help her see things another way or realise they're not how they are? I think this is the biggest problem for us, and it resulted to her seeing things I've said or done in a different way and creating the problems that we currently have. I have this notion that she thinks I'm out to hurt her or I don't have good intentions for her, but that isn't the case at all and I want to help her see that somehow.

I realise this is a lot of text to read and understand, so thanks in advance to anyone reading and posting.

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>>18711022
1/2
She's allowed to be upset, because we can't usually help our feelings. But it's how we handle them, and she doesn't seem to see that. I can sit there and literally tell you why she got mad, or some thinking behind the actions but it won't help you out ultimately. She is seeing things in black and white, all or nothing. She's in an emotional mindset instead of a rational mindset. Shes letting her feelings turn into facts. Literally if she got help for that and worked on it, things like this wouldn't happen as frequently. So if you bring up therapy, I would focus on a more positive note.
Example, instead of looking at therapy as "getting help because you have issues", you can bring up that it would significantly help her learn more about herself and could help you guys communicate better. And if she's never had that, you'll never know unless you try!
Someone once told me that there are two sides to a coin and it can be applied to almost anything. Instead of thinking I'm clingy, I could also say that I'm just appreciative. Instead of emotional, I'm just expressive. It might sound dumb, but it stuck with me and it might stick with her.
And bottling up her emotions is extremely unhealthy but I'm sure you know that. I do it because I don't want to hurt other people, and I'm afraid I will if I do. Sometimes, I can't find the words to say and it's clouded and I just feel lost in my mess of emotions.

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>>18711135
2/2
Another thing that really stuck to me is thinking "Is it worth fighting about?"
I'll get into stupid arguments with my boyfriend because he said something that just set me off. I'll think about that thought and take a second to realize that even if I am right, it's not worth my time. Nobody needs that. It helps me calm down and get to a better state of mind. It kinda pushes me into more rational thinking.

If you get so much infighting and moral dilemmas over a 3 month relationship, what happens down the line? 2 years from now? 5?
Think about that, even happy couples that go on for ages can end up in a ditch in 7 years, or 10.

>>18711135
>I can sit here and literally tell you why she got mad
If you could at least give me a few points, I think that could help - I could perhaps see where she's coming from and understand her better.
>She's seeing things in black and white, and isn't in an emotional mindset
I'm like that sometimes, but I think so is everyone else. Is this because she's BPD? Is there anyway to help her see things beyond black and white?

She used to go to therapy when she was younger but she stopped - I think it was primarily due to her Dad and other childhood issues. Why she stopped going we never discussed as she wasn't ready.
>There are two sides to every coin
This stuck to me too after reading, thank you.
>Bottling up emotions is unhealthy
We talked about this once, and I tried to empathise with her and share some of my experiences in terms of bottling up and how nothing good came of it. If she ever needs to, she talks to her mum or her sister about things, but other than that she doesn't with anyone else, even me.

>>18711140
>"Is it worth fighting about?"
What you said is very sensible, and inspiring. Is there any way I can put this point across to her in a way that she would understand?

You've made a lot of very good points anon, and helped me understand my girlfriend in a way that I could never learn from her directly. I feel a lot more about ease about our conversation and alleviated some of my worries. Thank you very much for taking the time to answer and sharing some of your points across - it's greatly appreciated.

However despite everything, I have this feeling that I will make all the points I mentioned and the advice you've given, and she still won't consider it or give it some additional thought. If this is the case, is it over? I don't want to force her and by no means do I want to; if she can't come to terms with the issues we have and try to solve them, then maybe we're not meant to be together.

>>18711140
One final question - should I let her talk first or should I begin? She's the one who wants to break up and thinks we should talk, so I thought it makes sense to let her go first as it was her idea. But I have a feeling if she goes first and leads with her emotions, she might be set into a certain mindset and there won't be any room to sway her opinion. However if I go first, I might not be able to hear all of her feelings fully and make my points accordingly and say the things I wanted to say.

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>>18711187
Hello, I have gone to bed but I hope you still check this. You're right, if she doesn't put in the effort you're putting out, maybe it wasn't meant to be. But that isn't you're fault. You have done alot to try to fix it.
I would talk first, but to set the stage. As in, you don't have to say everything you want but you could ask her what her opinion or thoughts/ feelings on the things you bring up that you want to discuss. That way it's more of a conversation that gives you both room to talk but hopefully not to overpower one another. And you both have each other's input which could build a conversation that might lead to some answers and improvement. Who knows, building off of each other might lead you guys to both learn something!
Overall, there is only so much you can do. She has to want it too. I'm sure you'll say the right things, it's all coming from a good place. Remember to stay calm OP! You got this no matter what the outcome!

3 months and you get this much advice? I was with my ex 3 years and didn't get shit from these faggots when that cookie crumbled.


Just fucking do it faggot.

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>>18711735
I'm a female, so by default I already have alot to say. And then seeing how it might be someone dealing with a specific thing I go through makes me want to reach out more. I have recently started going on this board for about a month now and whenever I see a post related to bpd I like jump on it.
Even though you didn't get the advice you may have needed in the past, I still hope you got closure and we're able to move past it!

I don't know if anyone is still lurking here, but I just got back from talking to her and we've agreed that she'll take some time to decide as to where she wants to be. We had a very long, mature conversation and communicated our thoughts honestly and clearly. Her primary reason was that she feels like we might be in different places right now, but ultimately whatver decision she makes I completely respect and understand. I think she wants to break up and end things but doesn't want to hurt me or make me feel like I'm waiting for her, i.e. Stop me from living my life and meeting other people.

We're still carrying on the same as before, and until she makes her decision we're kind of in a relationship limbo. Despite everything, we're on good terms and will be so regardless of what happens.