One year as an ex-neet

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Next month will mark 1 year of not being a neet. I am writing to you all because I feel like my depressive and suicidal thoughts are back. I admit I haven't been the best and most motivated person in the past year. I have been studying full time. I've gotten a little bit healthier but I still carry over some bad habits. The worst thing for me at this stage is that I can't think well at all, especially under pressure or where focus is required.

On top of that, I have basically been lying to my psychs. I am enough of a cuck to just let them guide me into saying what they want to hear. Deep down I refrain from the truth because I want the option to be able to kill myself without the psych getting in the way.

Lastly, I feel like such a dropkick as a 25 yo, still living with his parents, not having anything to show for his life and seeing other people work harder and smarter. It just adds to the feelings of giving up all this because I will never get anything back. What's the point anyway?

I should be using CBT to combat all this and use this energy to better myself but I am up to a stage where I have no trust in myself to actually contribute something to the world. I feel like life is now just a matter of doing autopilot, make others happy and prove that I did something so I can reduce my guilt.

The idea of proving shit to other people and society and doing what I was required to do is only what's keeping me going. But the more I think about it offing myself is becoming more appealing in the near future.

Thanks for reading.