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So I had a job. A job I liked. A job that I thought "this is my out, if I work hard I can have the impossible dream of a job I both enjoy and can literally get rich off of. Then the job went to shit. Many reasons involved but I blame ONE person. A shitty guy who had no idea what he was doing and kissed ass to the top, then fired everyone, including eventually myself. I'm so full of resentment and rage. The way this job turned to shit so fast... it made me question my passion. it took something from me. I have no joy when I work anymore. I struggle to work at all because it's just become so painful. I don't know what to do. Every time I think I'm over it I just feel rage. It's like it never ends. Each job is just a reminder of that one, and even perfectly pleasant people piss me off, because I just can't help but associate. I feel like there is no job or career that I can do now that I won't hate. I don't want to end up like my father, my mother, hating every moment of their life because of people stepping on them the whole time. I also never want to work for someone else again. I want to provide for myself. That doesn't necissarily mean a job where i'm boss. I'd even literally rather grow my own food and raise chickens than work for someone else. I tense up like crazy. I grind my teeth. Just thinking about doing any work at all. The slightest task seems like a huge weight. And you might think I'm just lazy, and I might even agree with you if it weren't for the fact that I worked for years leading teams as a director at my company. I don't slack...or at least I didn't...because I found joy in it. But it's like all my work is unrewarded. What do I have to look forward to? Is there even a way out?
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Sounds like a hard lesson but one that everyone must learn which is that you shouldn't spend your precious creative energy on any job. You do it on your own time and for yourself and only do the bare minimum that you need to keep your job and not get fired.
Spend that energy on yourself and your own business or whatever.
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>>18701921
Just don't know where to go from here though. I had learned that lesson before...kind of. But this job made me really believe in it. Thats why I worked so hard. I knew even at the time it was probably stupid, but I took the risk. but now i just want to work for myself but i'm just so exhausted. I literally went from being healthy to having less weight and grey hairs. I'm still pretty young. But I feel so old. I've been trying to figure out a business I'd actually enjoy, but I keep getting so damn depresed that I don't pursue it further. I'm trying so hard to break out of that. I want to enjoy things again. I try to convince myself "oh, you'll like this when you do it." but I don't. I don't know.
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>>18701983
>But this job made me really believe in it.
I can understand, totally. It's funny because it makes me remember that nazi slogan, "work makes you free". it's just so tempting to lose yourself in a job where you're part of something.
pick up a hobby dude, no bullshit like model making or video games but an honest to god hobby where you really have to work to get good at it. woodworking, drawing, fixing cars or something. what you need is an outlet where you see results, otherwise you're going to go insane and burn out. it happened to me and it really fucked me up.
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>>18701990
Honestly, that's really helpful. I've been trying to pick up a hobby....but my hobby turned into my job because I was so good at it. Now I have no real hobby. But I'd love to make myself more self suffiecient. I'd be interested in gardening, aquaponics, real off grid stuff. maybe I just need to jump all in and see where the wind takes me. But you're right...if I don't do something I will burn out harder than I already have. I need something to make me feel a sense of progress again. thanks.
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