Depression general

>>18700792
>but I feel like that's just straight up fucking hoodoo magic with zero scientific or logical reasoning to it at all.
>but I feel
>zero scientific or logical reasoning
Lmao.
Anyway why do you have to understand something from scientific/logical perspective for it to work?
Did you have to understand everything about electricity, before flipping electric switch for the first time to turn on the lights?

>>18700838
idk that's just who I am. I'm methodical, I need some sort of backing to believe something, I don't just have blind faith. That's why I could never get into religion lol. I know electricity works because you can physically see it's results, and yes, because how it works was fucking taught to me in elementary school.

Like, medication makes sense to me. It's just chemicals, you put chemicals in your body to replace or create the one's you're failing to. I'm depressed because my body is malfunctioning and failing to create the chemicals that the normal person creates. Drugs will create those chemicals or help my brain stop misfiring and create them itself. It's the same as taking insulin. Body quit producing it itself, so you take medicine to get it in your body. That's logical.
If it weren't for the social stigma I'd be jumping on the drug train completely.

>>18700872
Would you consider yourself >to intelligent too be happy?

How do I stop acting needy when I feel depressed?

I'm at a point where I'm violent and hateful towards my husband, I want to die so badly, I constantly think of my death and how I could do it, I tell me mean thing and to leave me alone I wish he would stop loving me so I could finally end it...but he is also the only one who helps keep me somewhat sane..

>>18700872
There are things you can not explain through words, logic or science.
Like what does green color look like.
Or what does apple taste like.
You'll just have to experience it and explore it yourself.
And guess what?
The chances of getting killed/severely life damaged with meditation/yoga are very slim.

I feel psychotic..I think of hurting people , a lot, as well as doing sadistic things to them and myself..I crave death, to the point of glorified suicidal thoughts..I hear voices and see horrible monsters and mutilated bodies in the corners of my vision

I have no insurance what can I do for mental help?

Taking medicines can take a long time, because you have to find which work for you.
But generally speaking it does work. You don't really feel any different. But the average mood is noticably higher. Many people fear being 'numbed' like an anesthetic, which isn't completely untrue, but in my experience largely insignificant.

But actual therapy can't be replaced by meds.
Judging from your post you only got into therapy recently. Don't be intimidated, but that shit takes years to make a difference in your life because unfortunately you have to do these things yourself, which, if you're already in depression is a pretty hard thing to do.

But therapy and medicine do help, without them I personally wouldn't have gotten better.

Also speak with other people you absolutely trust about it. It's still a huge social stigma but you'd be amazed how many 'normal' people have problems they try to hide

Mostly recovered fag here. I honestly couldn't tell you exactly how I got myself to where I am now, I started doing a lot of different things. I started with trying to be as introspective as possible. Questioning everything I did, and everything that has happened before. Find out what was, and wasn't my own fault. And where I could fix it, or at least improve... Basically I guess I was my own therapist, I did a lot of talking to myself. Still do.

Also was extremely nihilistic, always let myself see only the bad, and wouldn't let any good in. I started just... letting myself smile more, laugh more. Look for good things in life. It kind of tricks your system I guess. I am not sure exactly how to explain it. There's science behind it though. Force of will is important. We have a lot of power over our brains, if we choose to take it.

Forcing myself to get out of my room, and do normal mundane things is also important. Letting yourself sit and waste away or eat your feelings isn't going to help anything, and there's less opportunity for you to actually experience new things.

Now I am not completely okay, part of my depression was my outlook, but the other part is completely chemical. That part may never change, I don't know. I at least feel good *most* of the time now though. My lows hit me less and less. But it still happens.

>>18700885
Not really, I don't think I'm very smart at all. Thats why I think I need some sort of evidence or backing to believe something, because I'm not smart enough to just believe in something

>>18700930
True, there's a lot of shit I cannot wrap my brain around, things that are indescribable, or are like, social constructs, I have a hard time understanding and it's frustrating. But you're right, worst thing I have to lose is my time. Wasn't saying I wasn't gonna try the crap anyway, just that I'm already going into it with any belief sitting on the ground and breathing does anything because I don't see any reason why it should.

>>18700964
My therapist described some of her other patients experiences to me, they said it was like
"I don't feel necessarily happy when I take them, but I cry less." or "its like I was swimming in a murky pond, and now I'm swimming in a clear pool."

That didn't really sound appealing to me anyway, if I was gonna take "happy pills" I'd at least like to feel happy, not just numb or the same but less crying. I don't even really cry much, but mostly because I bottle it back. I hate the physical side effects of crying, I avoid it whenever possible.

My fears with the social stigma though is a little less about here in the US, as it is the country I want to end up in. The US has a pretty good grasp on mental illness, we understand it and accept it. Hell we're probably TOO accepting of it, that's why we have these self dx'ing nutjobs because nowadays mental illness is a cute patch to add to your tumblr vest. I'm much more protected here, but not where I want to go. The culture is just completely different, despite ironically having extremely high suicide rates.

I have a constant feeling of not knowing what to do while knowing I need to do something that I don't know how to deal with properly. I know the answer is to do something, but what? I don't understand how other people seem to instinctively know how to direct themselves. I spend a lot of time in bed because it doesn't seem there's a reason to do anything in particular, so I may as well not get up. I've tried excercise, but it's hard to stay motivated because my reason for doing it seems much weaker than the idea that it doesn't make a difference what I do.

>>18701311
I feel ya brother. Motivation is hard on me too, for both depression reasons and AD/HD reasons. Double whammy of disorders slapped on me to ensure I'd never get shit done.

Something I did was just start making stupid little goals. Like getting out of bed, showering, brushing my teeth. I made a checklist of things I wanted to do every day no matter how little the task and checked them off as I did them. Probably easier said than done, but try and push the "reason" you're doing these things out of your head, it doesn't matter if it's a weak reason, pretend it's just something you have to do like paying your bills on time (and a lot of it will actually be just something that has to get done to function normally, like showering and getting out of bed)

For me, the act of checking those things off made me feel accomplished, even if it was just small stuff.

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Just popping in to let you know it won't ever get better. Have a good life!

>>18700792
>>18700792
Listen mate don't listen to social media and that bollocks that you need to be happy all the time, that isn't what you want to achieve.

What you want to achieve is being "fine" just that middle ground, there is nothing wrong with being fine most of the time but people seem to think you have to either be happy all the time or you end up sad which is bollocks mate.

To do with working out, most people get that feeling a bit rubbish afterwards, it's the reason why people drop out because they get told that you should be feeling energised afterwards which sometimes does happen but not all the time for the average person, only the few get that intense feeling. The important thing to realise is that yes you will feel a bit tired after you work out and that but it is good for you both body and mind, trust me you are doing yourself a lot of favours by continuing to go to the gym.

What leads to depression mainly is things like stress and hopelessness so the best way to deal with this is to deal with the stress and that as soon as possible before they manifest and feed to your depression, try and find a way to keep your mind off things for an hour by yourself, distract yourself in some way and for goodness sake do not fall for smoking, alcohol, binge eating etc. all that shit is bad for you mate do not fall for it.

Just realise that to beat this, you have to identify what is wrong and try to sort it out while not giving up on it, that is the hard part because you need discipline and depression makes it that much harder to use it but you need to use it to get yourself out of that hole so what ever you do and whatever stresses you out, do not give up.

>>18701339
true, I'm realistic to say you can't have good without the bad, but I do just find the bad to be overwhelming.

Like you know that episode of southpark where all Stan sees is shit? Thats exactly what it feels like for me. I'm incapable of seeing or finding the good in the world, even though I know it has to exist. Or at least, when I do see the good it's like "Well, I saw a dog playing happily in a park, which was pure and awesome. But I still know there's a thousand dogs in the pound being put down at this very moment"
I manage to muddy it down or dismiss it because I feel like the bad outweighs the good.
My therapist says she's gonna help me start to tackle that in our upcoming meeting.

Yeah everyone always goes on and on about the "runners high" but to me runner's high is nothing but a song by the pillows. I've never fucking felt good after running, just sweaty and gasping for air. I'll keep at it though even if only because my body image is another issue I have and I'd like to see myself look a little closer to my ideal image.
>the best way to deal with this is to deal with the stress and that as soon as possible
Whew lad, I'm feeling this hard. When I went in for my first appointment my therapist was like "so how long have you felt like this?" and I was like "Idk, maybe 5? No 7 years? I've just been telling myself to power through and I'll get over it but now that it's escalated to the point I'm talking myself out of driving off the bridge every time I get even a slightly low test score I'd say my stress levels are through the roof and probably need professional intervention"
And she just kinda stared at me dumbfounded for a second.

>do not fall for smoking, alcohol, binge eating etc
Asthma keeps the smoking away, I drink every now and then but I never start drinking due to feeling down (however I often become depressed AFTER getting drunk). I did fall prey to anorexia tho. I've been calorie cutting for a little over a year now rather excessively

>how do I not act how I feel
Just dont do it
>how do I stop being depressed?
You dont
For twenty years, ive been on the verge of split personality disorder, but I could always see it coming and made adjustments to not end up that way. I am also a clinical maniac but I keep all my shit under wraps. There is no trick to it, just act normal

>>18701339
>>18701364
Havent worked out if its a good idea to bring up the anorexia to my therapist yet. I know they like, have to report you to the feds or something if they think you're a threat to yourself or others, and IDK if anorexia is considered self harm enough to win myself a vacation to the psych ward.
She's good at what she does though, because I think she's sniffing it out of me given the kinds of questions she asks (I'm not sickly thin or anything yet so you wouldnt be able to see it on me). Like she commented on my bookbag saying it must be heavy "we should weigh it" which I think was a sneaky way of seeing how I'd react to the scale, which I do NOT want to get on lol.

Anyway, thank you though this is all solid shit. I'm trying to find the balance between "do what stresses me out because it's good for me, but also not enough to tip me over the edge"

I've been having this fun issue for the past couple months where I can literally just turn my head slightly and pull a muscle in my neck, which is the result of being tense as fuck 24/7 for the past 3-4 years

>try and push the "reason" you're doing these things out of your head
I don't know if that's possible for me. I quit my job and stopped trying because I don't see the point if I don't know what I'm playing for. Even if I got my life together again I'd be back where I was, making myself miserable grinding out every day when I don't even know why I'm doing it, until eventually I just wear out.

>>18701435
Sometimes you're playing just for the sake of playing. That's good enough of a reason.
But your job for example, you're working to make a paycheck, so you can buy food, housing, water, power, things you need to physically survive. Thats your motivation for working.
Surviving is very different from living, I'll give, but you have to survive before you can live.

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My condition is exactly like the one in pic related. I can't feel pleasure of any kind now, and even the sense of being entertained by anything is fleeting. Most of the time, I'm in an extreme state of boredom, where 4chan is the only tolerable activity and coffee is all that keeps me awake. I've tried every solution out there but meds, and none worked. It feels as if there's something fundamentally wrong in my head. I can still think, but I feel almost totally detached from my surroundings and other people.

Can any of you relate? I'm scared I'll be stuck like this for years. Even though some people say they've recovered, they never go into details, and this is such a hellish thing that it's hard to believe they could take it so casually. I just need some hope to cling to so I don't lose all hope.

financially dependant on mom
hate her guts, treated me like shit and was a general emotional drunk roller coaster through my formative years
desperately wanna kill myself and end it all, but despite how stressed and anxious I am, how trapped I feel I cant bring myself to make her feel like my death was my fault and to put that burden on her

why am i such a spineless fuck

How do you regain your ability to feel emotion? Will that come naturally by trying to alleviate depression, or is that something that needs to be worked on separately?

I still get a feeling of being high or low, I don't really know what more to expect. It seems like this is normal, but I know that's not true because I used to behave much differently, and my house is full of possessions that used to make sense to me.

My life is falling apart. I'm pretty sure there is something wrong with me psychologically but I don't want to waste a therapist's time if it turns out I'm just being oversensitive or something. How do I know I need help?

>>18700792
Some tips for medication. If you do decide to take an SSRI remember it can take months before you feel the full effect so don't get to discouraged if things don't improve immediately. That being said if the drugs going to work there will be noticeable improvements by the six week mark so if you get to that and still nadda talk to your doctor and try a different option. There's enough options that if you keep at it you've got a hell of a good chance of beating this thing.

Deciding whether to take the meds in the first place. Well you've got to do a risk benefit analysis. You've got to remember that all medicines are also toxins. But these drugs can really bring people back from the brink. So you've got to weigh that up. Still any one that's advising you to take the medication or not to take the medication doesn't have any skin in the game. Whether they're the doctor, therapist, anon, or family member. We're not the ones who have to live with the shit heap that is depression nor are we the ones that'll have to deal with any of the potential side effects of the drugs.