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Anonymous
Trauma fucked up entire life 2017-09-07 06:58:55 Post No. 18700022
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Trauma fucked up entire life 2017-09-07 06:58:55 Post No. 18700022
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I'm a loser. I don't have any real friends and I'm unemployed. I could work if I wanted to, but I hate the job I could have. Everybody around me has grown up, gotten a steady job, and started having kids and shit, whereas I've done practically nothing with my life except waste what potential I had on abusing drugs.
It wasn't purely a hedonistic tendency, I was running away from a serious trauma I faced in my early 20's. Ever since that trauma, things have changed immensely. For a time directly after the trauma, I was completely out of my mind (as in nearly catatonic- couldn't understand what was being said to me, have very little memory from that period of time, and couldn't speak, although I could still do some things like work as a machinist. it was weird.)
However, very slowly, over a period of 5 years, things have improved a lot. I've kicked drugs, which has NOT helped with my current issues. although I think it's a good thing overall. I'm still very depressed and unmotivated, and often think of/plan my suicide. I can't stand to work anymore, and have some very steep difficulties in effectively communicating with people, and ever steeper difficulties in trusting them. My worldview is very negative, and I'm deeply unhappy with where I am in life. I'm also pretty bitter towards people who haven't had to face hardships. It doesn't seem very fair I've had to go through this shit, while people who are objectively pieces of shit get to skate by unscathed, free to shit on whoever they wish.
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I was also treated very poorly in my catatonic state. People constantly pointed me out, ostracized me, called me horrible things, and egged me to commit suicide. My behavior was strange, but I never thought I deserved all of that, especially considering what had just happened to me. I've become really jaded and hardened because of this, and very hateful and mistrusting of people in general.
I don't know what to do. I know I should seek out therapy (once again, for the 10th time), but it has never worked before and I have no motivation left. help
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Were you betrayed, op? Sometimes it can help to place your trauma into the story that it is. You might be able to reevalute your worldview or learn something new out of the experience.
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