Anxiety and Physical Intimacy

>I grew up in a household where healthy physical contact (sympathetic touching/hugging/warm greetings) and verbal affection didn't happen

same here man desu

>>18698764
what is your goal, OP?
kiss? hold hands? get laid?

>>18698770
I feel bad for my dad, because I know he loves me, but is just as broken, if not more, than anyone else in my family. A few years ago, he said something to me like "I hope you know that your mother and I are always there for you and care about you very much" when we were coming home from visiting my Granddad. At first I was angry and indignant, but then I realized he sincerely meant it. That was one of the saddest realizations of my adult life: that you could care so much, yet be so defeated that it didn't matter.

I wonder if he even realizes how sad and lonely he seemed to me and my sister when we were growing up.

>>18698764
Train yourself, give someone a hug.

>>18698782
Package deal. I'm old enough to know that any of those things won't magically change my life, but I'm not really looking for that. It's more an issue of moving on and confronting things that scare me.

I've met a lot of good people in my life and it makes me sad that I've stopped short of seeing where things could have gone because of my anxieties. Not really interested in ultra-casual shit, but desperately want a roadmap to knowing what the fuck I'm doing.

Friend of mine suggested doing molly in a group, but I didn't feel comfortable using substances as a crutch. I don't want to have to be wasted to feel truly comfortable with someone else.

I also don't know how2intimacy. I don't know how it started but I grew up using humour as a survival mechanism. To deflect and diffuse whenever I felt threatened or nervous. I also started using it to get people to like me. Life was just a lot easier if I didn't take anything seriously and just made jokes

It also doesn't help that I'm incredibly neutral about most things and don't experience emotional extremes

This is a pronounced problem when flirting is required. I simply don't know how to flirt because a level of seriousness and direct purpose is involved underneath. I just deflect, make jokes, sometimes outright ignore advances just to get through the social interaction and to "be likeable"

>>18698812
Does it help being honest about where you're coming from or nah? I'm not a fucking serial killer or something. I feel like enough people have shitty childhoods that my situation isn't exactly wild and plenty of people have it worse.

At the same time, very self-conscious of coming off like a depressive, tryhard sadboi. The only thing I hate more than being emotionally open is being a burden on people who've been good to me.

>>18698816
so I would classify you as having a bit of social anxiety and nervousness. therefore you can also read this post: >>18698735

also what helped me with my social anxiety was training. there is a training book (which also involves talking to girls) called rules of the game.

what also helped me was watching videos where people talk to, stare at, hug or touch strangers on youtube. I started doing pranks myself and when I feel trained I can now do almost anything in a social situation, but it is the same as fitness training: if you do not train constantly it goes away.

what also helped me was accepting that in some situations, I just cannot do some social Actions, but there are ways to do it anyway, by getting into another emotional state. for example if my make myself ridiculous for a while in public, i stop caring what other People think and i can try new stuff and do not think about failing.

>>18698828
I have absolutley no idea of what you're trying to say here, could you try again?

>>18698822
Sorta similar to me. I don't subjectively experience my emotions strongly, but other's say they're definitely there. I'm good with words and big- picture/relational thinking, so it's just fun to play with words and spitball off what people are saying sometimes. It's almost a reflex to me. I think it's the same latent instinct comics have/develop.

But, yeah. It's all about deflection. It's all about putting on a show so people pay no attention to what's going on behind the curtain. Everyone else in my family is content to brood in silence. It's my job to break down walls, even if I catch shit for it.

>>18698828
To expand on me saying you should train yourself and give someone a hug. Treat your fear of intimacy like someone would who is afraid of spiders, expose yourself to it, small steps in stages.

>>18698832
Interesting. I never did anything with it (because of anxiety/depression), but I was pretty theatrical as a kid before I got really self-conscious. The idea of treating things as a game or exercise in acting appeals to me. It would be even better if I could get other people in on it.

At my undergrad, there was this literal hippie commune where I could have gone and said I wanted to practice being physically closer to others in a safe environment. No questions. I wonder if there are other ways to do something similar (although maybe less intense)?

>>18698851
This seems to be a recurring idea. Gonna think about how to make this a structured goal over the next few days. Thanks all.

>>18698838
If you're not a total creep about it, can you be more or less honest with people about your social hangups and goals if they express interest in you? Should you just ram that shit down deep and fake it till you make it? That's what I'm asking.

>>18698869
>recurring idea
>>18698869
for me it was the best to begin training with strangers

if I fucked the social situation up, I could just go to another person and nobody would notice.

I can give you 3 excercises from the book
-look people in the eyes until you notice their eyecolor, remember the eyecolor until after the conversation and write it down
-ask a waiter to come at your table just by looking at him (no mimic used, just eyes and eyebrows)
-talk to 3 strangers, the task is completed, as soon as you said something to them. it doesn't matter if they just grunt or come into an conversation with you. topics could be the weather, sports, news, a movie,...
like have you seen the latest .. movie?

>>18698894
Three seems easy to me. One and two seem fucking formidable. Not sure if that's odd or not. Still, very clear in what they are getting at. I get very self-conscious about my eye contact. I usually think it's pretty bad, but people have actually told me it's really intense in one-on-one conversation. It's dogshit with strangers, though. Even during a one-on-one conversation, I don't think I usually register eye color, but my memory is bad to begin with. Definitely know it took me over a month to realize in an undergrad chem lab that my female partner had hazel eyes.

So, yeah. These ideas are right up my alley. Thanks, friend.

>>18698764
You are right that being comfortable with physical affection is a learned skill. Like you, I came from a family that wasn't very demonstrative, and I still feel awkward with it.

The answer is to force yourself toward more casual touching even if it feels awkward. Take her arm crossing the street. Guide her where you want to go with a touch on the back (like "leading" in a waltz). Hold hands.

The more confident you get that you are not invading her space with touch, the more you'll be able to go further.