Betrayed by a fireplace

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Hey /adv/,

First time posting here, but I could really do with some help. Let me explain the situation.

>Be me
>Living with gf for about 3 years now in a house we rent
>She loves it because it even has a nice little fireplace where she burns logs and stuff
>For the past year and a half, I've been masturbating in the living room when she's out or asleep and throwing the tissues onto the fire

Easy removal of evidence, right?

>She has no idea that this is happening, and I'm even good at making sure there's nothing left at all to discover
>Always remarking to friends about how cute and cozy the fireplace is
>Yesterday
>Hear a drop from the letterbox
>Small box with her name on it
>Bring it to her
>It's a weird pen
>She remembers she entered some pointless tech like and share competition to try to win some shit for her kid brother
>Turns out it's a blacklight
>She's initially unimpressed until it starts catching white stuff and making it all neon-ish
>Walking around the house strobing things

>Lets it pass over the fireplace
>White splotches
>Lots of white spatters and splotches
>Didn't realize my cum had soaked into the soot after slam dunking my jizzrags into the fire too many times
>She's asking questions
>Can't answer properly, try to explain some weird far out "Tree sap" bullshit
>Not buying it
>Realises it's cum
>Huge fight ensues
>Says she's disgusted that her and her friends have been staring at my semen for 18 months
>Not talking to me

So anyway, how do I get this bitch to understand she's being irrational?