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7 years ago I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship that had lasted 5 and a half years. She didn't like my friends so she made me get rid of them, she made me quit weed, when she denied me sex she wouldn't let me masturbate, when we had sex it was extremely restrictive and she would almost always have her bra and/or shirt on during sex, she didn't like me looking at her vagina, she didn't suck my dick or let me eat her pussy, she would get angry when I made physical advances, she would get furious if I came before her, she would call me stupid constantly to belittle me so that I wouldn't be able to ever compete with her, and she would threaten to break up with me if I didn't do things like fix the air conditioning in my car or fail to carry a little notebook with a list of things that she didn't like me to do. Every moment with her was walking on eggshells, and constant emotional torture. She was a literal sociopath. It broke me.
I had one relationship after that, but it ended badly. It's been 6 years since that relationship tfw no gf hits me hard everyday, I cry about it almost every single day, and I'm scared that eventually when I do get a girlfriend that I am going to be too much emotional baggage, and what I'm really scared of crying during sex and that she won't be willing to work that out with me and think I'm a pussy.
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I've grown and healed a lot but the trauma that faces me is a daily occurrence. I've grown a thick spine since, but I'm scared that a girl won't understand or we won't be able to get intimate properly because the very thought of receiving sexual pleasure from a girl is so meaningful to me and something I've been deprived of enjoying most of my life and when getting a blowjob I might cry and it would ruin everything, but I desperately want it. I'm scared of girls because of all the girls out there this bitch got to me first, or at least accepted me into a relationship first.
I want to be able to be vulnerable with a girl I love, I want to be safe in her arms and as pathetic as it sounds, coddled. I want a fulfilling relationship with a girl someday, but I don't know how anyone would want to deal with me.
I'm so confused, how do I deal with this?
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>>18684075
>>18684076
You stop being a pussy and realize the past is the past.
You're getting ahead of yourself, get girls that are friends before you even start thinking about crying during sex or shit. You're no where close to that according to your posts.
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A girl who is worth it and who is "the one" (i.e. who cares for you) will understand.
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>>18684075
I hate being generic but I would say psychologist would be best. Mabye even ring up one of those free help hotlines.
Best advice I can give since yours is quite a complex issue.
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