I don't expect much but just want to post some feels tonight

I started studying while working at pretty low end entry jobs and I wasn't actually able to get into my field for a long time. You see nobody actually gave me a job, I would go to interviews all the time and I kept failing, for some reason I just couldn't get a good job in this field. Time went on and I started studying again, I received one cert and I ended up getting hired on a contract which I was actually good at that job but I was fired after one month for being rude to a client. (dont ask) You see, I lost that job and had to move on and figure something else out. Hard times were back on me and I was in my mid 20s now and couldn't get a job in this field. I ended up feeling suicidal and depressed so I started to study more and eventually I received certifications in this field and I thought I made it but every company who I interviewed with didn't care and never actually hired me on until one day when I randomly applied for a job and they actually called me in a few minutes after applying however the odd part was the job was half way across the country. I interviewed over the phone and skype interview for a follow up panel and actually took their offer. I moved for this career on my own and actually have been alone ever since I moved out of my previous state/home. I have been working, and in 2015-2016 all I did was throw my life into my work and focused on achieving something in my career. Eventually I was promoted and I am who I am today.

The problem I am having is I really have no idea who I am at all. Am I that Russian kid or am I some American businessman?

You see I'm 31 now and struggling with figuring out who I am and what I should be doing in life, I am successful yes, but I am alone and have nothing to show for it other than wealth. I sit at home, I do my own things and don't even have hobbies anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to move on now and step out of this prison.

In truth the only thing holding me hostage is my own mindset and I need to to let this go at this point. I am seeking therarpy soon, but I really don't want to come off as some lonely cuck who enjoyes being alone. You see I dont like being alone at all but I just don't know anybody, I am completly alone and I don't know what to do in life anymore. I just don't know what will make me happy and I feel like the more I go down this path the more painful it will be for me. The journey I'm on is mine alone, and nobody can really help me. But I have to ask, why me and why did I survive and move to the US?

These days, I'm in so much pain that it is visible on my face, people in public look at me and they can tell something isn't right. Why am I angry, why am I sad and depressed? The only thing that makes me truly happy is actually going back home and seeing my family, but truth is I can only stand it for a few days, I love my family but I feel being in my 30s I need to start living again and enjoying life. I know some of these thoughts might be weird, but I came from nothing and ended up becoming someone.

I'm also starting to rethink ever having children and if marriage is even something I could ever agree too. I'm not a virgin, or a neet but you see I have lost the two most important things in life while pursuing my career. I have lost myself and I have lost my family

Sometimes I think and ask my parents why did we move to the US, why did we end up like we did?

My family thinks these are stupid questions and not something I should be thinking about but I have to ask, I am one man. Who ended up becoming successful in America for what reason?

If we stayed in Russia I would have gone into the military like my dad, his dad, and my uncles. I would have eventually died in one of the wars or joined the police force. The thing is none of that happened. We moved to America, and I became an American citizen in early to mid 2000s.

Why me? why did I have to pursue this career and why did I want to see where my life was going to go. I don't really know what I am going to do anymore, but I do have plans for tomorrow and I have been talking to a qt lately

You see, I think it is time for me to move on and pursue other things in life. 4chan feels like a prison to me, but than again I love it here. I don't get to look at anyone typing, or I can't even talk to anyone on here but it is comforting to see others post and others have feels they share with someone or just to post and let it out

I believe this way of thinking is going to start hurting my passion in life and my career, there might be some other people in their 30s on here and they are different than me. I'm a guy with a lot in life, but a lot of wealth and no friends ,no gf, and no real companionship with anyone. I believe for me to be happy again I need to take the next step in life and move on, disconnect from the internet. The internet isn't the problem, but it is my problem. I am plugged into the internet over 18 hours a day and for me to change and once again start shedding my coat and becoming something new, something different in life with a new pursue and a renewed spirit

I have enough money to put away for retirement, I have enough money to travel if I wanted to and at this stage in my life I just don't want to be seen as a loser in his 30s

You have the means, you have the will/impulse, you're not too old, so honestly I'd be optimistic if I were you. I'd discuss the identity problems with a therapist and write my thoughts to try and get it clear, and read similar experiences online etc. It sounds like you're stepping into the unknown which is scary, but it's better than stagnating and staying in this unhappy state forever. I wish you the best of luck anon, you got this shit.