Emotional intelligence? How to learn it?

>>18679712
Send this same thing to her, so she can understand your situation.
Ask her to help you and explain you her emotions.

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>>18679719
I more or less did, not as a single message (I needed to compress several months' worth of communicating into a readable post), but she does understand. She seems frustrated with my helplessness when it comes to such matters, when we discussed it recently she expressed doubt it could be even learned or improved on in adulthood (I picked up the term "EQ" from her, I thought that's just some bullshit buzzword before). I'm not sure if I can expect her to keep around waiting for me to improve while getting burned by my every mistake. Right now she's in kind of a crisis and I only thing I can do is to say it's gonna eventually get better and it's not her fault; I basically advised her to talk to another, more mature friend of hers I know about, because actually helping her is as much in my reach as discovering Unified Field Theory. She probably keeps talking to me just because she trusts and feels somewhat comfortable with me and doesn't expect me to be useful anymore.

words are meaningless, try changing emotional state instead

>>18679963
What do you mean? How could I change my emotional state?

First, I would say to try and get yourself more accustomed to emotions--especially your own. When you understand yourself and don't limit yourself or suppress feelings, it's easier to empathize with other people.

I've always been more emotional than my boyfriend. I've spent a lot of time by myself, so I know myself very well, including my emotions. One of the most meaningful things my boyfriend can do is just ask how shit makes me feel. Even if he can't empathize, it helps to know that he's trying, that he at least knows what my feelings are instead of pretending feelings don't matter

Seems to me you're a bit lacking in empathy.

Try putting yourself in her situation, whatever it may be, and think how you would proceed if it were you. Say she has trouble with something and doesn't know what to do, you can say "Hm if I were you I'd [do something that you'd do if you were in such a situation]", or try to analyse her problem to see what options she has available to ease her distress.
This at least seems to be something better to say other than "I guess you have it pretty rough huh"

>>18679996
I'd say this depends on the person. Sometimes, when people share their problems with others, they're not looking for advice or a solution. They're looking for someone to be like "Wow, that sucks". They want someone to validate their frustration and make them feel like their emotions are justified. My bf often tries to give me advice, while I'm looking to share a story where we're both like "Wow, what a bitch, sucks you have to deal with her"

>>18679996
Forgot to mention that even if you don't know what you'd do, sharing similar past experiences or emotions so the other doesn't feel so alone in their woe, can at least help comfort and give them hope

>>18680007
>>18680013
I replied to you before I even saw your answer whoops. But yeah, I agree. It can be nice to make a joke about it if you think the person would be okay with that, in that case I'd say "your boss is definitely a bitch, she probably hasn't had dick in months" or something similar to ease the mood

What'd you say to her that unintentionally pissed her off to where she cut contact for a while?

>>18679897
>she expressed doubt it could be even learned or improved on in adulthood
say you want to learn and improve
sometimes what matters is the path you take and not the end-game
>She probably keeps talking to me just because she trusts and feels somewhat comfortable with me and doesn't expect me to be useful anymore.
you noticing that is actually emotional intelligence
people don't like being pushed away (you probably don't like it either, but you just don't realize it)
sometimes advice is not the best thing to do, specially when on a crisis
>only thing I can do is to say it's gonna eventually get better and it's not her fault
you can also stay by her side, hold her, make her forget about the situation she is in

there is one thing I want you to understand: things you do are equally important as things you don't do
every "you should" comes along with a "you shouldn't"
there is also some things you should neither do nor not do
finally, there are things you should both do and not do

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>>18679993
>Even if he can't empathize, it helps to know that he's trying, that he at least knows what my feelings are instead of pretending feelings don't matter

I always do this and during her better days she does appreciate it. Sometimes it simply isn't sufficient and she gets frustrated when I ask for explanation, like she'd expected I should already know the answers. And I just often don't.

>try to analyse her problem to see what options she has available to ease her distress

It's what I usually do and it does help occasionally, however I can't decide for her and sometimes I can't even meaningfully compare the options where the different relationships are the trouble.

>>18680013
>sharing similar past experiences or emotions

It would be much easier if I had similar experiences to fall back on. Say she tells me about some guy at work she has feelings for (no jealousy involved on my part, I genuinely want her as a friend). I ask if she loves him. "I don't know". And I'm lost, because in my world either you're attracted to someone or not, all the ambiguity goes over my head while she beats herself over it for weeks without any meaningful support or advice.

>>18680034
We discussed a crush of hers who recently has shown signs of reciprocating. I happen to know his ex-girlfriend who's told me pretty disturbing things about their relationship. So I told my friend I think it's a bad idea to pursue him and he creeps me out somewhat, like a domestic abuser. Yeah, a horrible thing to say, but I was very concerned and thought I have to warn her even if it puts our relationship at risk.

>>18680050
>people don't like being pushed away (you probably don't like it either
Of course I don't, but I didn't push her away... or did I while failing to even notice?

>say you want to learn and improve
I did, probably one of the reasons she still bothers with me.

Thank you all for the feedback.

>>18680185
>or did I while failing to even notice?
"I basically advised her to talk to another, more mature friend of hers I know about, because actually helping her is as much in my reach as discovering Unified Field Theory"
that's basically it

>>18680205
I didn't intend to push her away. I told her I'd always listen to her and support her, but my analysis and advice apparently isn't enough to actually solve the problem at hand (if not actually making it worse). I also thought talking to someone face to face instead of over the internet could be more helpful and I can't afford to come see her right now. I will take it into consideration, it makes sense, I didn't think of it that way.

>>18680219
>actually solve the problem at hand
As I said, sometimes solving the problem is just not possible. In that case what you are supposed to do is stay by her side not with just kind words, but with your presence (I don't know if this makes sense to you).
>I also thought talking to someone face to face instead of over the internet could be more helpful and I can't afford to come see her right now
There are always things like skype and videocalls

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>>18680272
>but with your presence (I don't know if this makes sense to you).
It does.

>>18680272
>There are always things like skype and videocalls
I was stupidly dodging the real issue. In fact, another problem is she wouldn't want to see me after our last argument. That's another reason I tried to recommend someone else, because I felt she might not feel fully comfortable with me after what happened, or, more precisely, what I said.