Dealing with murderous/vengeful thoughts

>>18657081
20 years.

Tell yourself:

"I'll give said person 20 years. On that day I will either not care anymore, or I will not be a suspect in any crime I commit against them. 20 years"

Then get on with your life. I know it will keep bothering you but. Keep telling yourself that.

You can even say you gonna kill them anyway, that you won't ever get over it. That's fine.

But keep telling yourself that. And go on with your life, doing normal things and eventually you'll stop thinking about it

>>18657148
I like the way you think. It's been 2years already and I feel I wouldn't be a suspect already. Going about the day is fine and I think most people I talk to think I'm one of those MGTOW type of guys. However, as soon as I get home after an hour the realization of the crappy situation I'm in as a direct result of this other person starts to kick in and I get extremely bitter.

>>18657081
Life sucks, some people are assholes.

Fill your life with things to be proud of.
Youll forget in time.

>same boat

Been there. Its a useless feeling. I know you know that. That was also a time in my life where it was all work and sleep.

Im guessing you dont have many social hobbies or crafts and skills.

Not to assume i know i could be wrong. But when i hear someone dwelling on something useless even when they know its not right, i hear "i dont do enough."

>>18657173
>MGTOW
>someone fucked me over

Hold on anon. Is this a breakup? We all deal with that shit.. It sucks for everyone. Most people get over it. I stand hard by>>18657178

If its been two years i cant imagine youve done anything worthwhile in that time either.

for a while i felt like killing my parents. On some days it got so bad I just paced my room with a knife.

Idk how it went away. i grew up. i sorted myself out past that point. I saw how old they were getting. Most importantly, i opened up to myself and showed them my truest version of myself. so there was no longer any resentment of them stifling my person or anything like that.

they did put fear in me, but it was my job to fix it. responsibility doesnt work any other way. killing them would have just meant putting extra sins on my soul, for no reason at all.and that's no way to live

>>18657192
Ok now its starting to sound like you should consult a doctor and get a referral to a psychiatrist.

If the only reason you didn't kill your parents is because you logically decided thats extra sin on your life, then somethings either off about you and you need treatment, or they were so bad, something has become off about you and you need treatment.

>>18657197
my friend, the desire to kill shouldnt scare you so much.

>>18657210
Ive got a psychology education. I dont fear this kind of thing. Something like 80% of college students in a very large study have seriously considered murder at some point. Its crazy common.

But OP needs to consider the fact hes been carrying it around for "two years" and how its putting such a huge drain on his life. If anything at all has been eating away at him for two years straight, he can benefit from psychiatry anyway.

All im pointing out, is either something is off about him (particularly because its his parents he wanted to kill. Thats less common, most of students in the study were in unhealthy romantic relationships) so either somethings weird about him, or his parents sucked soo fucking much to trigger that that he probably has a lot to sort out that a psychiatrist could also help with.

>>18657230
im the guy you replied to, im not op

>>18657230
If you want more details, i wanted to kill my parents because i tend to lash out violently at stressors. and i came back after graduating from uni, which wasnt so good. parents werent on speaking terms, eventually something happened that lead to my father accusing my mother of something, then him coming home drunk and assaulting my mother. you always hear about it in depressing stories but it's never quite real until it happens to you. Watched my das drag my mother across the floor by her hair, while his mind is off somewhere fighting imaginary demons that were being projected onto us. So i tried to talk to him that night, about 5 minutes in, and i completely snap. I beat the fuck out of him and turns out I nearly ruined his left eye forever. I told him in his drunken stupor that if he doesnt shape up, i. end everyones lives. and by which i meant everyone that lived under this roof. My logic at the time was that if nothing was going to fix this, then fuck it, im going to take the ship down sinking. I couldn't bear to see them be so nasty at each other. That was then, they calmed down a lot. They learned to talk to each other again and I want to say that they have learned to not touch on things that will trigger the other. Before they were all about triggering each other. Yes it sucked. Sucked the life out of me. I nearly killed my parents, i nearly made good on my threats many a times. Rarely after that, my mom and dad would sound like another fight was coming up. I just walked up to them staring them straight in the eye and sat down next to them. I wanted every ounce of my murderous psychotic intention to be felt in that room.

I have no idea what kind of father I will become.

>>18657251
Whatever it is bruv. Situational, reaction to your parents because youre sick of their shit, or actually being psychotic...

A doctor is in order.

A general practitioner will be able to refer you to a good one. Thats importsnt because among psychologists, there are those with PhDs and actually studied psychology and medicine based on the scientific method, and those who took a college program on freud or jung or some bullshit.

Most psychologists are the latter. They cant do shit for you.

A good psychologist can also indicate whether or not its advised you be a father, and on what terms.

>>18657178
>>18657184

Just to add more detail as to what happened:

I met the girl 9 years ago. At that time she was doing ok and made ok money as a nurse and I worked in accounting/finance in a large city.

She got laid off from her job (during the recession) and after about 6 months in it became apparent that she was about to become homeless so I took her in. I learn that she had divorced from a guy she married when she was 17 and was verbally/physically. Time goes on and after 2 years it looks like she wasn't to get a job. She becomes depressed/suicidal etc. and ends up becoming a video game addict for the next 3 years or so.

cont.

>>18657269
After that she starts to get baby crazy which I wanted as well. Turns out she had some medical condition which made it very difficult to have a child naturally so she went in for "treatment" over 6 months or so. She gets pregnant and a year later we have a boy. About a year later with me working and her doing things alone as a housewife (we remained unmarried by mutual choice) she wants to head back home to have her parents around to help raise the kid which I agree with. The only problem is that it's in a small town. I had made decent money in the city. Not enough to retire by 40 but enough to be comfortable. The opportunities that exist in cities vs small towns are like night and day especially as someone for what I was doing (white collar corporate finance). We move and get an apartment together until we get enough income to buy a house. I can't find jack out there that would've supported the same lifestyle at all. She ends up finding a job which I thought was great. However, towards the last year she uses my cards almost to the limit and as it pretty much nears the point where I had zero money left to offer in this middle-of-nowhere town and maxxed out cards she gets to be irrational and distant. Towards the last 3 months she starts to get argumentative more and more and finally lays it out on me with practically zero emotion that the "treatment" was actually an IVF procedure and the kid was not mine. She packs up and leaves the next day with a lease that has 2 weeks left. I am broke, credit cards defaulting, in the middle of a town with few real jobs, and with no family to fall back on as my parents were both dead and I had only one cousin I knew of.

cont.

>>18657275

It took me 2 years and the help of a friend I am very grateful to. Finding work was a fucking bitch because my credit score and collections problems came up and were a deterrent to hiring me. I am back to making payments and have a single room, basic apartment with a used car from my friend. I'm 36 now and it isn't that I don't have problem socializing or acting like an angry person with other women or guys, I just have next to zero feeling of attraction or interest.

>Im guessing you dont have many social hobbies or crafts and skills.

When you base your life around trying to bring someone up and trying to raise what you thought was your own kid, you kind of lose the interests that you used to have. That being said, for the last couple years I didn't have the money to really do anything much except watch what I could online for entertainment.