Nervous

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>2 years ago
>just got out of high school
>have first job
>best friends gf shows up at my work
>she's pregnant and he won't talk to her she says
>cried and shit
>take her side since friend is acting unusually immature and back then I considered myself a "take the high road" type
>shit goes down for a few months
>I just ignore my friend and talk to the pregnant gf whenever she wants
>she came by my house like everyday
>after a few months she dumps my exfriend but we keep hanging out
>I make a move on her since her being single plus around me all the time are like all the requirements of a desperate loser nice guy
>she's into me too, she says, but two weeks of awkward making out and she goes back to my old friend
>shamefully I immediately go on the defensive trying to explain myself to friends and even try to fix relationship with my old friend.
>and I do, everything goes back to normal in a couple months, but people seem to have a little less respect for me, and I have a lot less respect for myself at this point
>stop hitting people up to chill, tell people to stop texting me, start working a lot more.

6 months ago I realized I had become just like that picture of the sad guy and the 20 y/o birthday cake. I told myself I was gonna turn things around.
>new job, very demanding in people skills
>slowly rebuilding my personality, can make people laugh again
>get back in touch with some old friends
>genuinely enjoy being around them too
>been getting interest from a female, just told her last night I'd text her this weekend to hangout

It's really all going great when I write it out, but my emotional state has still never been good since that situation with my best friends girl. I feel so much shame, so much hate for myself as a person because of this.

Right now I am frozen in fear. I'm terribly sad and lonely and have no idea how long I'll manage it, thoughts of suicide have been the daily for years, but I'm so afraid I'll fuck my life up again somehow.