GIOYC -- Get It Off Your Chest

Hope that all is well have a good day

>>18640529
Oi, why do you continue to say that?

>tfw I hate myself so much and have abandonment issues I let others use me and treat me like shit if it means making them stay

H-heh...

...never again my dear, shall we come dancing here, we'll play guitar and video games... woke up at 3 am in a fetal position on the bathroom floor with rot gut mouth, too much capn, there's not enough water in the world to set me right. Dizzy dizzy

You know what, I'm really tired of wondering if we're friends anymore. Tired of talking to you and you don't respond. What exactly are we hanging onto? I know when I cut you out, that's when you'll decide to talk to me. But I'm not going to fall for it. You know secrets about me, but I don't even care anymore. I am tired devoting this much energy into thinking about someone who doesn't care about me.
Hope you enjoy your life, but I'm moving on from this. I'll use my energy to meet new people who will actually care about me mutually.

Is it possible to be turned on by sexual attention regardless of the other person's sex. Because I've been talking to the is dude and everytime we talk I get diamonds

>>18640627
We have been talking through the internet

So I have summer homework, and school starts tommorow (Junior year) and i never could find it on my school home page. So the question is do I play it off like i never knew i had it? Or just say i couldnt find it.

>>18640678
None of those will work considering you had the entire summer to find out by emailing or phoning someone. Go with whatever one you want. Consider calling someone to ask where it is or copy someone else's.

The fact that she knows about your past makes my stomach turn. She knew what he did to you, and that you had no way of stopping it as a little kid. She knows why you have issues with letting go of toxic people. And the fact that you were blackout drunk and I had to literally pull her off of you makes me sick. I've known her since we were kids, and I've had to let that relationship go to defend you. I was sad, but OK with it. I lost a friend. And now you've forgiven her, and I'm alone. What the fuck do you expect me to do? I can't listen to you complain about her. All I hear is "she's tried to destroy who I am, but you're still not worthwhile." I can't do this.

While you make pretty speeches,
I'm being cut to shreds
You feed me to the lions,
a delicate balance

And this just feels like spinning plates
I'm living in cloud cuckoo land
And this just feels like spinning plates
My body is floating down the muddy river

>>18640724
Good tune, Radiohead for the win.

I've completely given up on ever finding happiness. Nothing ever works in my favor, I'm just constantly fucking miserable. The only thing to ever make me happy is no longer in my reach.

I hate this so fucking much. It's physically painful at this point. I can't live like this anymore, but I can't die either, and I cannot be cured. I don't know how to get through each day anymore.

I'm sorry for whatever I've done, I know I've taken the music too seriously and too far and it's put you in the background. I know you are mad at me and won't reply to my messages or calls. I feel like this is what I deserve. I don't think I'll ever find true happiness...if you leave me.

>>18640535
Maybe things are bad maybe they aren't. Just saying to have a good day

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>>18640334
i'm pretty fucking clueless about what i'm doing in college and not even sure if i want to keep doing I.T shit even though it's what i'm best at and probably the smartest decision

also i'm fucking dumb and started crushing on this girl i met on 4chan of all places like a week and a half ago and i'm pretty sure it's not mutual for obvious reasons and i'm going to continue to ignore it because she makes me happy

fuck

send help

I had a massive rambly screed but the long and the short of it is that I hate myself, I hate where I am, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything about it and that's why I'm here. I'm cripplingly insecure, risk averse, awkward, angry and actively push those who ask to help away. I am fucking poison. I can't accept good things happening to me, and I almost go out of my way to torpedo them if I think they are starting to. I wallow in my own misery and my own actions are to blame for everything wrong with me from my social awkwardness to my bullishness in not seeing anyone about my fucking wrist until half my scaphoid had died. Everything is shit, I don't feel comfortable turning to anyone to say anything about it and the only person I have to blame for that is myself.

>>18640820
Find a girlfriend.

I guess I'll start treating you with the amount of respect and attention you deserve, which is not much. Going with my heart and instincts hasn't gone well. I love you but what is it worth, what does it matter? I'm sorry that you'll be lonely. I care so much for you.... but I have to think of myself now.

>>18640758
Anon, we've all been there, no matter how crappy things are, just try to see a thread of positive, my life is a shit show at this point, things happen beyond one's control, I just suck it up and treat it as one of life's lessons, how can we grow if we don't have trials and tribulations to overcome. Good luck anon.

cute asian girl i know is really terrified of the world or extremely lazy. She seems to be really scared about world events and i told her that if you let that stuff bother you it going to take over your life. She then said that was my privilege talking which i really dont care that she said that, but makes me worried that online media has taken such a hold on her that its effecting her life. I want to tell her that she has to get over this type of stuff to succeed but i feel like it wont matter and my skin color would make her think less of me. What should i do in this situation?

>>18640334
I-i realy like her, i know it has been just two months, but she... She is perfect

I can spew forth everything in me on a board, but I can't seem to propell it out otherwise. Any advice?

>>18640820
Details?

I'm having daily chest pains and I can't afford to get medical attention without fucking up my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to love someone like I loved you

i don't know if i really want to stay with you anymore. im sorry im such an insecure piece of shit

I'm starting to worry that going to therapy will make me a boring person. Starting into this self improving things is making me feel more and more like I'm skipping stages of my life. I'm only 21, but this whole responsability thing is starting to make me feel boring as an old man and immature as a manchild. Wasting my teenage years in front of a computer only makes it worse, I feel like I'm doing the same mistake over again. I should enjoy life and do stuff outside my room, I will miss this when I'm 40, just like I miss doing teenagers' stuff right now. It's a weird state of confused peace.

Overthinking ruined my life. That's it.

Distant relationships fucking suck. I just wanna hang out with a girl and fuck her every day. I don't wanna spend time chatting over the phone...

Dear T,
I really want to fuck you, and I know you want me. It's just your crazy ex in the way. Hope we both get laid during freshers
H

>>18641167
Get a hobby and join a group. Alternatively go out and meet people. Better late than never

>>18640979
I'm just lost. I'm a massive coward when it comes to making decisions and I hate myself for it. Then I choose the wrong times to try and break out of that cycle and fuck it up. Which makes me more afraid to do anything about it.

I fucked my wrist a couple of years ago and only got an operation sorted this January, by which time the bone had died so the operation didn't work. Now I'm going back into things I'm struggling to see the point.

One last whine is that, while I'm lucky enough to have some girls be interested in me, I seem to deliberately fuck those relationships up, because I see it like it's the right thing to do by everyone because I'm a shit person and they deserve someone who's not a fucking wreck.

to;dr petty white boi moaning and I needed to vent. And also grow up a bit

>>18641175
In the same boat anon

I stayed with them and they not only gouge me for everything I've got by making me pay all of their utilities for staying in a dark damp corner of their basement, they steal my money and kick me out after finding out I was arranging to move out of their house. But you're supposed to forgive family, huh.

Boy was I stupid. They send their kid over to stay with me practically free of charge with very little limitations and he thinks it cool to eat and use up all my shit because that will make me dip into some "secret savings" that his mom is convinced I MUST have because she expected me to die in a ditch after she robbed me and threw me out of her house but instead ended up with my own apartment years later. Now the cat's out the bag and the cunt is demanding I send her money for her son's plane fare even though the greedy little shit already left my place with some friends, most likely with a few of my belongings.

And all the rest of them can talk about is how I should "be nice" and give the boy money to get home. What the FUCK? The same people all but disowned me when they found out I was living on the streets. All I can see in them is that they're all horrible, rotten people who don't know how to love anyone but a dirty gotten dollar. Fucking sucks I could never have a normal, loving family who cares like other people.

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Scared, Confused, yet excited and confident.
Shit is moving after years of stagnation.
Graduated school, moved with parents to new city. (Today!)
Planning attending tech school for aviation.
New house, new city, new start, new everything.
Only held a single job in the past, got laid off for a (possible) fucking diversity quota. (Can't contest, no evidence of racial inclusion of my termination)
Never pulled out a loan, no line of credit, no driver's license, single and I know no one in this city, nothing, zip, naddah to work with but a dream and a plan.
Yet still, I'm 'fine'?

The fuck guys... Am I okay?
I feel like I should be more worried.

>she's sick
>i've been through that sickness before
>give suggestions on how to be better
>she refuses all of them
>the nurse gives the same suggestions
>"Oh well I guess I have to"

WOW. THIS IS WHY I STAY OUT OF SHIT.

>>18641310
It'll do you no good to fret over things you haven't accomplished yet. You have your whole life to figure things out.

Relax and enjoy the ride, and appreciate the fact you're in a much better position than 80% of people who come on this shitstain site.

>>18641437
Wow it's almost like people who are professionally qualified to give medical advice are more trustworthy than someone with anecdotal advice :^)

when will we finally get to cuddle?

>>18641449
Bruh. It was an upset fucking stomach and instead of doing anything about it, she bitched at me about it for a few hours and then checked into the ER like she had the swine flu or some shit. They released her after two hours with pepto bismol. It was a colossal waste of time and energy.

>>18640619
It sounds like they are upset with you about something, you should find out what it is.

>>18640758
I can relate my man. Hopefully shit improves

I finally managed to stick that letter on the trunk of your car. I hope the wind won't move it.

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Im in a relationship I want to leave and I'm still inlove with mt ex and i probably always have been.

I am tired of performing insane feats of mental gymnastics to justify your actions as of late. You have become an incredibly selfish and emotionally abusive person. I wish I could tell you off, but I can't. You honestly don't understand what you are doing is wrong, and you try so hard to be a good person. You also consider any criticism to be someone "hating you."

I guess that is the problem. I have known you for the longest time of anyone and I always apologized even when you fucked up. I also always calmed you down when you were upset by making sure you never felt guilty even when things were completely your fault. Am I to blame for you thinking certain horrible actions are justifiable if you feel a certain way?

I still love you despite what you did, but you lost me as a friend the day you decided to hurt me. Lately you have been a terrible friend and a terrible person. I cannot stand being around you right now, you make me sick acting like nothing is wrong and only looking out for yourself. It pains me to say it, but part of me wishes you'd have died instead of did what you did so a tainted version of you wouldn't exist. At this point I only keep you around because I hope one day it will click in your head that you fucked up and you will go back to being the kind naive person I once knew.

I slept with somebody's girlfriend last night knowingly and I feel so bad now. I don't want knowledge of this to get out. But a decent amount of people are aware of what happened... I don't want it getting back to the guy. I've never done that before and I feel guilty now.

>>18641695
I thought so but I can't figure it out and when I tried to ask I got no response

I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me. I have no strength to start a new week. I have nothing else going for in my life except responsibilities and chores, and before today the slowly dying hope that maybe just maybe she liked me back.

>>18642049
Anon have you asked them this directly?

>>18640334
I thank god every day for being in my life. I honestly have no clue if he is real but I still do it because I have faith that he is and love the fellowship that comes with being a christian in a church. I don't know if this makes me a bad person or good though since I sometimes really wonder if god is real. All I really know for sure is that my outlook and life has drastically improved since I accepted Jesus. I feel so weird saying that.

>>18641898
Anon move on. Describing someone as kind and niave is fucking cruel. That descriptor suggests that you used them or even worse pitied them. Did they hurt you after they figured out your so called friendship was a sham?

>>18642056
Not exactly, I haven't asked her if she "likes me back", I'm just judging from the way she acts around me. Her signals are sort of mixed but maybe it's just my perspective for overanalizing her. I asked her on a date a few times, she was "busy" until she said yes but I feel like she just made it into a casual hang out instead. Haven't asked her for a second one yet because of the fear of rejection.

>>18642062
I wish I had faith as strong as yours. I only feel God's presense when I'm doing well but when I'm not I always eventually fall and lose my faith. Then regain it again only to lose it again after that.

>>18642068
Really that is strong faith? I wasn't raised in the church, I came to the lord in my 20s, and I always feel like everyone there has so much more faith then me or is a better Christian. Even with that, I still thank him for their fellowship, my life, and ask him for help during the hard times.

>>18640559
probably better than not bothering to even establish relations because you think they'll abandon you anyway

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My storage unit. It's been seven months now. Seven months that I've been homeless.

I lost everything. I lost a good full-time job, lost a lot of my most cherished friends and relationships, lost my nearly perfect credit score, I'm nearly 4K in debt, flat broke every week barely scraping by paying the minimum payments on my cards, can't find reliable work, nobody will rent to me.

I never did drugs. I don't drink. I just got mistreated by a lot of people. Some unfortunate things occurred and threw me off balance. Was going to school for electrical engineering and I had one year left.

I think tonight is going to be the night. I just can't take it anymore. I never really had a healthy, stable home life. But at least I had a home. Sometimes I wish I could go back and make some changes. But I can't.

Take my advice, stay away from abusive, psychologically unhealthy people. I have dealt with those all of my life, and they have ruined me to the point of where I don't think I'm mentally capable of functioning in society anymore.

Stay away from fucked up people. Don't let people take you for granted.

>>18642063
They are the ones who used me. I was their monetary fund, emotional tampon, and only friend. When they became more attractive and outgoing their personality changed completely. Instead of worrying about how others felt and looking to cheer people up, they lied constantly, cheated and monkey branched around because they were receiving more attention. The friendship wasn't a sham and never was, they ruined it by becoming selfish and abusing my trust constantly.

Naive is accurate.... they had to go to me to do pretty much every basic action in their life beyond self care because of medical issues they have. I never minded it though and I found it kind of endearing they saw me as someone that important. I also don't see how someone being kind and sweet is a negative descriptor. They used to get sad when other people would feel hurt and did their best to cheer them up.

They got a taste of receiving a ton of attention when everyone but me used to ignore them, and it ruined them.

>>18640874
with a lover you'll either find someone that makes you feel life is worth living

or you will bog down someone else in the burdens and mental issues you yourself are struggling with.

rather not risk the latter

I hate how attempting a suicide and (either intentionally or not) failing will create a complete 180º turn on everyone who knows you. They don't give a shit about you but they suddenly will when you try to kill yourself. The only catch is that you have to fail at it to remain alive.
I don't see why anyone would advice against faking your suicide attempt. What are the cons?

>>18642200
Con is that you are playing on the sympathies of others. Kinda trivializes the whole idea of sympathy.

>"I'm going to kill myself!"
>"what NO don't do it!"
>"hahah I'm only pretending!"

and

>"I'm going to kill myself"
>"yeah yeah see you tomorrow"
>actually kills him/herself

no one wants to play such a bullshit guessing game

>>18642245
Oh I didn't mean telling the truth about pretending, I meant making it look legit. Just to make them wake up about your problem. Specifically when it seems that everyone would assume your problems are not a big deal if you wanted to just talk about them.

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Hey.
I want to purchase something off of amazon. I still live with my parents though (19 yo) and don't want them to know what I'm buying or that I bought anything at all. I got one of those giftcards so I don't have to pay with a credit card, but I don't know how to order it without them sending the thing to my house.

Anybody ever had something like this? What can I do? I can't send it to a friends adress or anything cause all of em live wit there family too and don't want anybody to ask awkward questions.

Ideas? What proxy address could I use?

>>18642260
my family learned that something was up with me when I tried to destroy my desktop

maybe you should destroy something important to you

>>18642260
why would you do this? faking a suicide to get attention won't solve anything (and it's borderline psychopathic to think bout it honestly). Putting aside the emotional impact you're gonna stir from a lie, you're not guaranteed they'll react like you want them to. Maybe they'll think you're fucked up in the head and avoid contact, others may be overly attentive, but you'd know it's just cause they fear you'll off yourself anytime. In my opinión, if you need others so badly to give you attention or affection, the problema lies more within yourself tan on the outside. But I don't know anything about your life so I'll say the following:

either tell the people straight away "hey, i have these severe problems, i'd like if you could support and help me"

or if they are such pieces of shit that only a suicide attempt would make them listen to you, find new people to be around.

>>18640334
I've given up.

>>18642329
What happens next?

>>18642332
I don't know I'm just fading away slowly from my family.

why won't you tell me what's wrong? I'm too dumb to figure it out and I just keep going to worst case scenarios and forcing myself to not believe them

>>18642334
more time for yourself might be a good thing? a new beginning? you can give up on your family but have you given up on life in general and other stuff or just something specific?

I felt lonely for all my life.

>>18642091
Are you staying at a shelter. Can they refer you to someone to talk to? Don't do anything to harm yourself. I was homeless before but because I had to leave an abusive situation. Things can get better.

>>18642341
Wanna be friends?

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>I ask friend that we should open up more
>She says she's too insecure to open up but she wouldn't mind listening to me
>I'm hurt by that but whatever
>Few days go by
>Somehow depression becomes a topic, and I tell her about my experiences
>She goes on her phone halfway through me speaking
>wtf.jpg
>Tell her about my autism, she barley said 5 words
>We met up with a group a friends later that day and she said she's not good a listen and she forgets things
>wtf.jpg
Do I have the right to be bitter? I feel I may be overreacting, but I'm not just going to be your uber driver. Last time I put my trust into you.

>>18642390
Women want you to listen to them. That's what she meant. Nobody really cares enough to listen to what you have to say.

Especially sad stuff. Nobody wants to deal with that.

>>18642384

sure!

Nicole, I think I really like you. I know I probably shouldn't, but I don't know what it is. I don't think I ever properly got over you back when your friend ruined everything, and now that I'm back in town, everything's coming back to me, and it hurts. I hate this feeling. I don't want this. I'd rather hate you. Hell, I'd prefer if we didn't get back in touch.

>>18642404
He has the right to be bitter, people who act like that are trash. It doesn't matter if she has a vagina, people who expect others to help you at the drop of a dime but never are there for anyone else are trash.

I'm so fucking tired of feeling guilty for leaving shitty relationships. My father has conditioned me into thinking anytime I speak up that I'm in the wrong. So I get used to staying in shitty relationships because I think it's what I deserve. I just left a relationship where, towards the end, I was cheated on, lied to, mentally abused, and manipulated. But even now I feel bad for leaving.

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I noticed that I've been having these stupid fantasies of us having those cliche kawaii af moments from anime. I smile like an idiot when I think of being able to spend even an hour talking about nothing with you after our classes end. Whenever we part ways, I always want to hug you before you go, but I don't want to make things awkward.

I'm so, so embarrassed. Make this stop. I haven't had a crush this distracting since junior high and it's turning me into a sperg around the only guy that I've managed to befriend since I entered uni.

>>18642438
Ain't nothing wrong with hugging, and cuddling with friends, yo.

Stop listening to your mother for everything. You left me cause you found out I had ADD a bit when growing up and your mother did not like that idea because she thought if we had kids they would be retarded. For hell sakes I know you mentioned you would liked kids but I don't think you have to leave me over everything your mom says. Hell would of been fine just maybe not having kids I don't know. But I am tired of how you listened to your mom on everything.

>>18640334
I have a huge crush on a Norwegian exchange student. She is in 2 of my classes in uni and taking action of perusing, hopefully starts tomorrow. My plan is to pace my packing speed with hers so I can walk out of class at the same time as her. From there I plan on saying "Hey how are you doing" or "Hey how was your weekend". I plan on saying the first one because I believe it is more suitable for the first time talking to someone.

>>18642456
Good luck. I remember when I started college abd had a crush on some girl. I noticed she had a tattoo and asked her about it the first time I talked to her. This was before adv and like you I posted about her on 4chan once before talking to her. Except it was on b and some anon there told me to ask her about the tattoo. The girl was nice but we just became friends.

>>18642443
He doesn't seem like he's the hugging type though; more reserved and quiet.
Do you think it would be weird if I asked to hug him at the end of the day? Or should I talk to him more to gauge if he's comfortable with physical contact?
I should also probably mention we've literally known each other for maybe 3 days, haha..

>>18640627
If someone can be turned on by a fence I think you're allowed to be turned on by human sexual attention. You're atleast partially bi though.

>>18640788
Liking someone who doesn't like you back is like stabbing yourself but being too high to care. Eventually the high wears off, but you'll still be bleeding.

The priest in church the other day told us to think of what we wish for and ask for it in the name of Saint Expeditus and that he was sure we would get it. But I asked for it and I didn't get it. I feel sort of lost now, why did the priest lie?
>inb4 he didn't lie he was just wrong

>>18642481
This sounds very accurate. I wish there was a way to over come it but it seems there simply isn't. Why the fuck do we experience unrequited love? It seems like the literal only reason for that human feature is to feel like shit and to fuck you up.
Also I refuse to believe that "pretty much everyone experiences it once in their life". I'm sure a fuck ton of people never experienced unrequited love. Some people never have a crush.

>>18642456
try "accidentally" sitting next to her in class. i've seen this work as well. either way, good luck.

>>18642471
As someone who comes off as reserved and quiet, I don't initiate hugs but I accept them and they make me feel very warm. Not saying he might be that way but just that appearances aren't anything. If I was him I'd be happy to get attention even if I wasn't in to you like that.

>>18642471
reserved and quiet as in
>tfw too smart
or
>cute

If you hug him don't ask. You are the girl. Just reach your arms out and see if he goes in.

Either way talk to him more

>t. autist

I am incredibly vitriolic when I am upset. I'm hyper-aware of this, and the potential destruction of all the cruel comments my brain generates. Since I feel both empathy (I don't want to hurt the person who had the power to make me that upset, even though they hurt me) and anxiety (I don't want the person who has the power to affect me this much to abandon me), I try to keep my mouth shut.
I think what happens is that all the horrible things I could (and maybe even should) be saying just leak out of my face in the form of tears. People think it's sadness, and sometimes even I manage to trick myself into thinking I'm "sad" or "hurt", but they're tears of malice.

Do you even know how badly I want to talk to you? Do you know how often I'm thinking of you?

Not sure if I should go to that game group meetup, traffic might be a bitch if I do on the way down. Although if I do go I may be able to get a referal with a really damn good company, with damn good benifits. Also my anxiety is off the roof for other reasons and probably won't calm down for a while.

I'm going to be forced to start over yet again. I've moved 18 times with the family and now that the family is finally settled somewhere I'm the only one who's still a nomad. Who is late to starting a real life. I hate it. Everyone is being super supportive of me in my time of failure.

Please understand that I don't want to make a nest in this bed of pity. This is me letting an important part of me die, two important parts, please stop acting like it's this happy home coming. Thank you dearly for the support, but I really, really do not want to be here. Maybe that will change but I can't get new life goals over night.

I need to come to grips with the fact that my dreams may be dead, and I may have lost my first and only love at the same time. I'm at a point were no matter what, I'm getting my life overhauled.

All I ever wanted was to settle down, and somehow everyone else beat me to it. I've always been the "extra person" in the family and the outsider. I don't really want to be the "extra pair of hands" anymore.

I was so close to becoming my own person. Now I need to kill that half-formed person.

First girl I fell in love with was one I met on steam. She lives far away but I visited her two times. Shes my fist kiss. We broke up after two months.
I had a gf in my city but never liked her. I didnt even have sex.
Its been more than 2 years and I still miss the steam girl. I love you M.D

Hey x,
We get along great but it's tough knowing that feelings for one another aren't mutual. I get hurt every time we hang out because I know you think of me as just a friend, and spending time with you reminds me of that.
I know you don't have romantic feelings for me and I have accepted that. That's why I don't think we should be friends anymore. I don't want to let myself fall into another trap and bring you with me. I prefer not to be close to you anymore, I think it's for the best.

>>18642515
Post your info then on here and if they go here they will talk to you.

>>18642539
You always remember you first

I wish you never put on those meds mom in the first place it just made my life worse. Made me loose friends and stuff. I would of been better off from it and focused on the stuff I should of done.

I fucking hate you mom pushing your ideas on others thinking what you thought was best by going to college and earning a pretty useless degree in my book. Which you encouraged me to earn but now criticize me for earning it. I should of just worked hard moved up the ladder or gone off to get certifications for a job that paid well. But yet you pesstered me about constantly what you thought was best.

I want to break ties with you and never hear from you again.

>>18642614
I want them to start the conversation without me prompting them. I'm tired of feeling like I'm bugging them so I'm giving them space and hoping they'll come to me eventually but the wait is getting really painful

>>18642631
Initials?

>>18642636
that'd kinda count as prompting them lol

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I'm a khhv I just want my dick sucked ffs but girls hate me soon enough I'm gonna Elliot Rodgers a Starbucks die cunts

>>18642631
Well they happen to feel the same way, so deal with it. I won't say a damn thing without my lawyer.

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I lost my a good 78% of friends after they stopped skating and my former best friend has become a chad after realizing that saying "everyone changes in high school" couldn't be anymore true it kind of hurts inside other than that I'm doing fine

>>18642689
I don't think they'd feel that way, but I'm not very good at mind reading. I get the feeling they overthink a lot though so it's possible. I'm probably not gonna be able to make it much longer without trying to contact them, but it sucks not being able to tell if they want to talk

Forget me I'm broken.

>>18642539
Yeah those are the hardest ones to let go.

>>18642749
Reach out to them anon.

I love you, S.

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I didn't live the life I wanted. Even before when I had no choice things weren't ok. There I was. Chubby and awkward with an often isolated home life. Happy - as long as I stayed ignorant of what people actually thought of me and for as long as I relied upon my few friends. Looking in from the inside out, my life must have been deplorable to the average person. Undoubtedly I was fucked up.

My parents were...well, bless them, but goddamned they never should have had kids. Dad ended up dying early on, working himself to death, without even having made a proper connection with his kids...mom was left alone with her insecurities and regrets.
I pledged because of them to never marry. What if I were to repeat the past?

Maybe...maybe this is just something I should take power from. Motivation to work harder for my dream. But, sometimes, it's hard. You learn of childhoods and these cool experiences that other people had, or see them in movies or shit like that...heck, even the less perfect ones, the ones with bullying, seem to have some real payoff and character growth to them. I don't think I ever learned much from my childhood. I bumbled through life. Was ignored by my family and lived a weird childhood. Boo hoo, I know. At least I had a home. But sometime it haunts me...what could I have been?

>>18642749
Mhm, you have to be quite close to somebody to be able to read their mind.

Luckily, such skills generally aren't necessary. If they're willing the keep the conversation going, they're willing to talk. It's really no more complex than that.

Magic is as much science as it is nature.

Have faith in yourself, and give it a shot.

Just looking for anyone with info or an educated opinion.


I'm taking a cotinine piss test for my health insurance to prove I'm a non smoker.

I've quit smoking cigarettes for a week or two to pass, but I'd like to know if insurance companies will shell out the extra money to test for marijuana in their applicants.

Im insured through my job at a hospital.

I'd like to know so I can either keep smoking pot or cut it out.

>>18642766
listening to the dubs was a good idea, thanks

>>18640907
Keep trying to get through to her if you really care but think about if stressinf about it is worth it
You can try to get people out of their comfort zones but sometimes it won't be worth it if the person keepa fighting you on it

>>18641167
Try leaving the house for short periods of time and then every week start building it up more
Eventually you might find the courage to start doing more
Its what i did after a huge sadness in my life

>>18641287
It's fine to hate your family dont let anyone tell you your not allowed to
Too often people get held down by the society expectations on dealing with family
If someone is out to hurt you cut them out
Don't let anyone be an exception

I've been somewhat preparing myself for what I'm going to say to you when you ask. The truth of the matter is that you really can't keep up with multiple convos and it just seems like you are hiding something from me again. I really really like you but that's the farthest that it will go and I'm tired of letting that feeling get to me. If I had it my way, our friendship would fade to obscurity but things right now make it a little harder

>>18641921
If a few people are aware it's better to tell the person before they hear it from someone else

>>18642863
Sounds like a misunderstanding, try talking about it openly.

I cause shit everywhere I go by just existing. Everyone would be better off if I was gone. But I'll never kill myself just to spite life.

My existence is a catch 22

-the demon that wants peace

i really just want to spam her phone and see if she eventually checks it but i dont want to bug her

just get online

get on anything

please im actually getting worried wtf is wrong with me

Honestly I feel used. You lead me on for about 3 months but in reality you just used me to hide your secret boyfriend you told me you loved me and I told you I loved you too but I guess that meant nothing. You know my deepest and darkest secrets and I know some of yours. You used me till the last day of school and moved away with your boyfriend. I really want you out of my life I wish I had never met you, you made me catch feelings and now I'm hurting. To this day you randomly text me even I "hate" you I still feel happy texting or talking to you. It fucking sucks.

>>18642011
Stop being so needy. Maybe they have things going on in their life you dont know about. Maybe they tried to tell you but you couldnt stop talking about yourself or sending pics of yourself. Maybe its you.

>>18640334
J,
The past five years were the happiest times in my life with you. Even we were a thousand miles away. A piece of me was left with you when I went away. My depression got the best of me, and I couldn't easily move on from you wanting a relationship with someone else and hiding the fact we were together from everyone. Was I really that bad? I know I grew up on the "wrong side" of the tracks, and growing up an orphan, and I was not used to having a real family. That concept was foreign to me, and it showed a time or two. The last time we talked, you said you still had hope for us, but then you changed your mind quickly afterward.
My mentality has been fucked up completely ever since I can remember, and even you were crying and telling me how bad my life had been and how it wasn't fair.
The night you put me in the hospital with my arms and legs sliced up was one of the worst nights of my life, but you stayed on the phone with me. I wish you'd have told me about all the other girls, and how all your friends knew what was going on while I sat there oblivious. I still remember your face at the airport. That would be the last time I saw you.
Everything reminds me of you. Everything. When I do my hair I'm reminded of how you used to watch me get ready for work. And I regret sleeping so far from you.
Sometimes, between sleep and awake, I'll find myself back in our bed, and my heart pounds and I'll wake up, but you're not there. Never again.
Even though mountains of my home remind me of you. I still haven't been back up there since we went up to that hidden spot. I hope you still have our picture. I'm sorry I tore our photos up. And went through the apartment throwing away everything I made to decorate the house.
I didn't belong in your materialistic world. Where love is shown with money.
A few weeks ago, I had to go back to the hospital, and even the doctors were shocked that I hadn't been to any kind of therapy.
... Cont

It creeps me out knowing my coworkers are lurking here.
I know full well they're doing it by glancing at my screen once in a while, probably using their cellphones to post on here.

I won't stop them because hey, their prerogative, but I think I'm going to put a stop to projecting here until much later.

>>18642068
>>18642074
You know gods not real right? Religion is based off a book of stories designed by religious leaders to give them more power and wealth. Ask a priest even. You think someone actually rose from the dead? You think a god who is all forgiving and loving would send you to the fiery pits of hell for eternity for something as little as stealing or cheating? Or a boat carried two of every animal while the world died? Or we all came from two people and arent horribly disfigured and inbred? Use your brains.

>>18642942
maybe you should kill yourself

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>>18642953
Go to bed. You have school tomorrow.

>>18642946
The only reason I didn't take that gun and shoot myself in the woods at the back of the house is because I fell asleep. I woke up, and I knew that that was the last time. I can't live and let this shit define me. I cant walk into the kitchen and check how sharp a knife is on my wrists, or put cigarettes out on my arms anymore.
I even failed my college. I didn't even want to go there but I thought it's what you wanted because that's what you told the other girl. I got caught in the dicksand.
When I was in the hospital, I thought about all the fucked up shit. Both mine and yours. They were going to lock me up. "Clinical" they said. Depression and ptsd.
Im not sad anymore. Just angry now. Pissed the fuck off that I had been so weak and let you walk all over me. Complete fucking denial.
I actually hope you have a great life.
I'll keep building mine. You're a cunt.
I hit my rock bottom, and I'm going nowhere but up. I may have absolutely nothing right now, but I'll get there.
I'm not going to give up. Ever.
-M

B, you're breaking my heart. Please just be honest with me, I know you know there's a spark here.

I lack any self confidence because I have always been in a catch 22 situation to the point where anything I do will be the wrong decision. This is the result of my mother being a control freak to the point where she needed everything to be done her way, and without question, even if it was an inefficient way of doing things, and trying to suggest doing something this way to be way more efficient, she would never take my advice and often tell me that I don't know what I'm doing.

>>You can use the split windows functionality so you can multi-task better.
>>Fuck you, you don't know what you're talking about, I used computers longer than you.

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>wow, i just wanted to know what you were doing. is that so wrong?

Mmm yeah three weeks and I'm quite tired of having to check in with someone multiple times a day to assure him I haven't tripped and fallen on another cock during the couple of hours I'm not in contact with him. My friend says that it's no reason to break up with a guy but fuck it I like my personal time and I love being trusted and given the benefit of the doubt.

>>18642631
I know that all to well, I hate initiating conversations frequently cause it tends to feel like you may be bothering them someway when you are trying not too (sometimes you can be).

I like to give them space but I would like them to start the conversation instead of me having too. It does feel a bit pestering.

>>18642990
This depends, have you done anything that would make such demands reasonable (e.g. cheating). If so he isn't out of line at all, otherwise I would have a serious conversation about how his lack of trust makes you feel.

>>18640334
im really excited to get to know you better and ask you out

>>18640334

Every time I wake up to go to school, I always ask myself:
>Why the fuck do I need to go to school?
Everyone there are so fucking annoying and treat you like trash.

It's been going on since they found out about my diary where I always write about my crush. Now, they are pretty much bullying me and making my school experience feel like hell. They always insult me about my features,how do I do my things,my hobbies,etc...and every time I'm feeling angry/almost wanting to cry, they always call me sensitive or I'm just acting like a brat (and to be honest,when I tell my teacher about it,some of them think like that too).If the teachers do something to them (because I told them about my problem), they'll try to guilt trip me that they're innocent and I am wrong about them.
All of these things are effecting me personally,which is very worrying to me. Now,I don't always open up about my problems because I have the fear that people think that I'm sensitive and sometimes I always feel like I want to die but at the same time, I don't want to. Instead, I would slam my head or punch my head lightly because of my dumb thoughts or just cry in the shower or cry until I sleep.

>>18643005
No. I don't believe in cheating. I just believe in having days to myself. But honestly, I think he just enjoys proving his "ownership" over me because he wasn't like this before we dated. Talking about it makes him pass off his actions as "innocent concern". I'm not sure if I have the energy to figure out his mental gymnastics since the last guy with trust issues I dealt with wanted me to fix his issues by constantly doing dumb shit to prove my loyalty.

>>18643014
Like I said. If you did nothing to warrant that treatment then he is out of line, you need to have a serious talk with him.

Yeah thanks big bro. You molested me when I was younger as we experimented with eachother and now you made me what I am today. You introduced me to porn in my teens to which made matters worse, yeah thanks you made matters worse in other areas.

I know its a long time ago but I hate talking to you when you are over. I don't want to bring it up with you or our parents about what happened I just want to avoid the drama.

I just want to run away and start a new life away from my family, never see them again.

>>18642972
I'm always honest. I'm like the most honest person I know. If there was an honesty scale, the definitive and absolute value would simply bare my name.

Do not try to see the spark — that's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth: there is no spark. You do not know. You believe. And so beliefs create your reality.

Have a well day
seeing butterflies signify anything, oh well.

I miss so many people. What is the best way to get in touch with someone I haven't talked to in 5-7 years? Damn they probably don't even remember me.

>>18642771
Love is a lie
>>18642863
It's good to be prepared
>>18642896
Do something but Dont spam.
>>18643006
New love is amazing

All of this is new to me, I'm lost. I know there is something special between us but I don't know how to deal with it. I know we barely know each other but this is not how I feel. Are you mad at me ?

I am sick of everything. Probably going to kill myself soon. The last time I talked to someone was probably 2 years ago.
A guy who I used to be best friends with is sending me some messages talking about how he wants to meet up, that I am driving myself crazy, and he is most likely right.
I spend my time alone just looking at the news and getting mad about the obvious media manipulation. I have no faith into anything, everything is going to shit. Everyone has their head up their own ass, including myself.
I can't be a normie. Even as a kid when other kids were talking about the newest video game, I was only interested in existentialism and politics. I can't work some soul crushing job, hang out with people who talk about sports, marry shoe obsessed woman and make kids trying to convince myself that I'd be a good dad. That's not me.

>>18640334
I've been a callous and an insensitive person to my friends and family as of late. I'm also prone to quick bursts of anger when my pride is hurt. Both my parents have noticed this and have become angry eventually because of its persistence.
It's gotten to a point where I even wonder where the hell did this even start.
I know I have to stop doing this since more people are getting hurt but I just don't know when to start picking up the pieces to become a better person.

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>>>18643140 (OP)

(Posted this in another thread and it felt good to get it off my chest)

I got into a nasty car accident last month and I've been suffering from all of those.

I use to think PTSD was for soldiers and rape victims. I'm a strong believer and getting back up and keep pushing forward.

After my accident, I'm incredibly unstable and in a lot of pain, to which I'm mainly stuck in a bed. Everytime I'd go out of the house or drive, I'd get lighthead, emotional and get the urge to start to cry and or throw up.

It frustrates me. Because I am mentally aware of my scenario and try to fight these urges. But it's my body that keeps on doing it.

Doctor said I had severe PTSD and I would be fine (she was very wrong). Subscribed me some antidepressant and anti anxiety medicine which has now left me severe anxiety attacks.

Never had anxiety attacks before and now they come 3-5 times a day.

I can no longer sleep. And the depression has made it where I don't want to do anything, no vidya or Netflix. I'll lay in bed from 930am to 6pm. And be dead tired. Even when I do sleep, my body never reaches REM sleep.

I have kicked all my friends and family out of my life during my recovery and I can't work, I just want to be alone, and not alone at the same time (mainly alone). Essentially my life has stopped. Physical therapy is the only thing healing me.

Shit I can't drink beer anymore without getting sick.

Learn from another doctor that I have a severe spinal injury.

And after all this. Being the failure that I am and the person I hate, I still push forward.

Fuck this... I'm still gonna conquer my dreams and become the person I always wanted to be. I've taken the liberty to get that doctor into some serious shit and have had myself checked in into a mental therapist and psychiatrist.

At the time I write this, I crave nothing more than a ciggerate, fresh air and a woman's touch.

But here I am fighting this battle all alone.

>Feels good to vent
>god I miss Sunsets

I have a personal philosophy of "I must be able to do everything alone" when it comes to emotional things. However, I frequently see books, movies, other people, etc etc suggest that we should rely on friends and family. However, that seems to be at odds with my personal philosophy. How much reliance is too much? What if I end up in a situation where I can't rely on them? What if I become too dependent?

Obviously, there is some sort of happy medium here. Perhaps that medium is being able to meet people and learn to rely on them without much trouble, that way if a support system fails you can recover quickly and healthy and form new ones. Being able to create new bonds with people is a great skill to have in general. So I wonder if that's the answer.

I live with my boyfriend. I get sick or have panic attacks when he's away on holiday.

I feel like we should break up because it's too much for him to handle. I didn't have these problems before, I was more self-sufficient. But since we started living together it seems like I rely on him too much to feel ok and not freak out.

However, deep down, I think if I suggested this to him, what I'm really asking him is to say: no we don't need to break up. I don't want to break up with you, I want to be with you even it means working through all this stuff. I'll help you and support you.

>>18643404
Sounds like you love him.

How long have you two been together for?

>>18643410
one year.

friends for one year, housemates the following year. then we got together and still live together.

>>18643426
Do you want him to marry you?

>>18643329
>>18643329

You can do it! I love you anon

Dear A,

I wish you were dead. At least you wouldn't hurt me any longer.

>>18643431
no. We're in our early 20s. and he wants kids and I'm not sure that I do.

It still feels like yesterday.

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>>18643438
I got you senpai. As we get older, we change. Truth is, we don't stay young or strong forever. Trust me. I'm going through hell right now.

So it kinda sounds like you are attacking yourself. It's sweet that you're putting him first, but it also sounds like you're being a martyr.

Do you guys have a strong and constant form of communication?

>>18643432
You have no idea how much that means! Thank you! I owe you a beer!

I messed up earlier and forgot to add my symptoms in one of the beginning sentences. Which are, insomnia, depression, anxiety and PTSD.

But hey, I'll get over it and kick some ass again.

>>18643451
Thanks anon. I wish you well.

>Do you guys have a strong and constant form of communication?
usually. on messenger atm and its pretty sporadic because he is abroad.

Me and my friend like another one of our friends and I feel like shit cause it's obvious she likes him more and I continually try to ignore it or get it off my mind but it eats at me so God damn much. I'm jealous but I try not to show it but I still feel it and I hate the feeling. I want her to like me but I also want to refocus on being me and being the best me I can but it's always a thought in the back of my head and I can't get it off my mind

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>>18643487
Thanks love. You sound like a very sweet girl.

>abroad
Nice! Where at?

I really hope you two stay together. From what I can gather, is that you care for him more than yourself, but I ultimately hope you two stay together.

I wish you could see that and stop conflicting with yourself. While he's gone, start picking up some independent hobbies. Like working out or hiking (those were my weekly things before my accident. Freaking love the outdoors. So refreshing for the soul).

And by the time he'll be back, he'll be impressed with your personal growth.

so, the past two months, i had enrolled in mental health help at my hometown.
i'm not saying they won't help, i'm hopeful, however, i've never had professional help with my problems.
i've had problems with myself since i was a kid. all of the times i've expressed that, "something is wrong," i always got the usual, "you're just a kid, you'll get over it."
i was 12 wgen i expressed i needed help. i started noticing things when i was 10.
i started feeling depressed when i was 10. i started hating myself, feeling like nobody wanted to be my friend, my mom and sister didn't love me, tgat i had no reason being on earth.
at 12, my feelings, not about life, but more with myself, got worse. i kept hearing thoughts, repeating my worthlessness and loneliness every day and every night.
i tried to poison myself at 13, was institutionalized because my school didn't want to deal with me. obviously the suicide attempt didn't work...
at 14, i gave up on help. my mom tried to kill herself after a med/drunken stance, and i was forced into counselling.

every day, waking up, talking to my family, going places, etc, is an extreme battle for me. even days when i wake up and feel fine, my brain uncontrollably downfalls. every day i hear thoughts saying that i'm dumb, i never deserved friends, my family hates me, i should kill myself, i shouldn't go outside...
i go into real bad (what i call) fizzes where i literally cannot control what i think, say, or do. every day is a constant fight with my own thoughts.
i jave real bad paranoia, i want everyone to leave me alone, but at the same time, i have severe abandonment issues, i don't want to be alone, i don't want my friends to leave me.
i have bad anxiety. nobody knows it, but i cannot stand to go to the store without headphones to block the sound, or i can't bring myself to walk into the store, or even in the parking lot.
i haven't been able to keep a full time job without fucking up or fearing that i will fuck up... (cont)

>>18643529
(cont) my friends and family are extremely worried... i'm worried. i don't wanna die, but i don't know if I'll even stick around today. i'm really hopeful that these people can help... i'm so tired. i'm sick of the voices. i want to be normal, or feel normal, or even look kind of normal
my chest hurts every day, i'm told every day to kill myself... i don't wanna die, there's still so much more i wanna do...

please, anybody who is reading this an goes through what i do every day, please, please, just pick up the phone and call your local/national crisis line.
i feel awful and horrified how my loved ones feel for me, and you all should never have to go through the same.
if you have a crisis, you don't have to go it alone.

have a wonderful day, everyone

>>18640334
I'm at the start of a relationship with someone where we just clicked instantly and it's a little bit scary. We are both in our early 30s and have never had this with anyone of the opposite sex before. We are both christians who go to church so that always complicates relationships too because we both do things a little differently and slower then the norm. It's so strange feeling like we've known each other for years and thus being so incredibly open with each other. Anyone else find this weird type of spark with someone else and have any advice for it?

>>18641898
sounds like BPD. Nothing you can do, they were like that long before you. Just move on and save yourself.

>>18643548
yes, i have had that happen to me, as well. my relationship did not last, and that was because my significant other was already expecting the ring on me, literally only three days after we got together.
avoid drastic commitment and still get to know each other. ask questions, walk everywhere, eat all the foods. just don't let them drag you to commitment and vice versa.
i support you, anon. good luck :)

I have no strength to start the week. The only thing I look forward to every week is the weekend when I get to see her again for 2 hours. She's not even my girlfriend and I'm sure she doesn't like me. I just love being near her and hearing her voice.

>>18643574
Thanks, yeah we both talked about that and don't want to rush into a marriage or anything like that. Thanks for the support man!

We can agree that "be yourself" is bad advice and that everyone saying "be yourself" is either being ironic or wrong, right?

I am pretty sure a job I've been with for over 2 years is moving to replace me. I've been with them and helped them grow, and now they're hiring on more people who have the same skillset as me. I guess I wasn't as useful as I thought. Luckily, I have another job so it won't be too bad, but it feels sad to be so easily replaced.
Now I'm wondering if I should quit before they fire me. Waiting to get fired is painful, but I guess it's a few more days/weeks/months of money.

>>18643624
It's not bad advice, it's just never well delivered.
Being yourself isn't doing the same thing that got you into the situation, but utilizing your own values and morals as tools to work towards and achieve what you want to do.

I don't want scraps fuck you

>>18640334
Need advice

Want to an hero, but I don't want my family to find out.

If I leave a note on body saying to not be identified and just cremate me, do the police have to obey my wishes?

I basically just want to drive as far away as I can, leaving a note to my family that I am going to travel the world and enjoy life as I see fit. That way when they never hear from me they can only assume I either died traveling or decided to lose contact with them.

If anyone knows of a state or country that allows nearest relative to not be informed, please let me know. Thanks.

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I thought you loved me and cared about how I feel, but the way you acted proves that wrong. You only care about getting what you want.
I'm sick of being the one who has to pick their words super carefully and try not to hurt you when you don't even give a fuck about me. It's fucking exhausting having to help you when you make me feel like shit.
But you don't care. You never did. I'm not going to make the situation worse by sending this to you, but it's a hurtful realization to come upon, and you just left me with it. I'd never do that to you. Fuck you.

Honestly, I'm far too dehydrated to be crying this much.

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You keep me up at night. We have only known each other for about a month or so and already I want more of you. I need to slow down. I might scare you away. It's eerie how well I can read you, how I can look into your words and the way you say them. You been hurt before. How exactly, I don't know. Why someone would, it confuses me more.
And, I am the same. I need to slow down. We both have felt the sting of love's passionate fire. I can fully understand why we are like this. We talk so naturally, and yet, there's this strange feeling that you want to say more. I only hope you understand that I want to listen to you. I want to hear what's inside. Maybe someday, you'll want the same from me.

You are a wonderful person, and I'm happy to have found you. I am a little scared to lose you, maybe this is what drives this feeling. Fear, notto disu shitto agen.

Like 2 birds seeking shelter from a storm, we are huddled together for warmth. I really do appreciate your company and time. And, I'm glad that you feel somewhat secure around me. That I make you feel safe. Thank you for caring about me. It feels nice to have someone that worries about me when I might get hurt, someone who doesn't want to see me go away.
It's been such a long time since I been able to just sit there with someone, in silence, no words, nothing, and still have a smile on my face because I enjoyed their company.

This past month has been like a soft cool breeze, peppered with the scent of the sea gently passing over my cheek when compared to the howling gale that has been the rest of this year. I already miss you, even though I spent time with you yesterday, and will likely see you again today. If just for bit.

I thank you dealy. I won't say this to you, not yet. The time isn't right between us. You are still a little wary of me, and that okay. I am wary of you and myself as well, but I'm will to drop my shield for you from time to time. Maybe you feel the same, maybe not. Thank you for caring.

>>18643727
I feel you anon >>18641898 what did your girl do to you?

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>be an 18 year old Dubliner who finished sixth year
>act the bollocks throughout the entirety and have the entire school faculty and my family on my back due to being a sloth
>leaving cert time
>completely botch it and get 151 points, no CAO offers or back up plans
>entirety of the squad managed to make it

The road to nowhere is very lonely. I've never felt more isolated than when I've become a true failure.

>>18640529
Thx

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What am I supposed to do? Go out of my way to feel even worse about myself because everything else "isn't enough" for your boner? Fuck off.
You don't even care how hard it was for me to do the first few things at all. You don't care how paranoid it makes me. You don't give a single shit. Yes, you are selfish. Don't tell me you're about to self-harm, stop replying and then leave me to have a nervous breakdown. That's extremely manipulative. Just fucking stop.

>>18643799
Damn anon, what did he make you do?

>>18642863
If they did it once then what's stopping them from doing it again and becoming more crafty about it?

>>18643799
Stop smoking so much damn weed and then maybe your paranoid thoughts and impossible mood swings would calm down. Get a job, stop with the sexting and see that you labeled my actions as manipulation rather than genuine care. Fuck you.

I will get a Russian gf!

>>18643799
>you're doing this to yourself

>>18643568
They always were but never to this extreme. They have really bad social anxiety disorder, but I suspected BPD too for a while. I wish moving on was a thing, but that is brutally hard when it has been nearly a decade. No contact doesn't seem to work.

>>18643831
I have really bad body image issues and am a CSA victim, so I have a lot of hang-ups about letting people see my body. He knows all that, but he doesn't seem to care. He has fuckloads of nudes and videos of me as it is, because I tried to push myself despite that.

>>18643887
I don't smoke weed. You're not him. Go away.

I've let my diet fall apart again, and it's showing. The cycle is obvious to me now: Feel depressed and bored, desire sweets, eat too many sweets, feel sick, stop eating sweets, feel depressed and bored. Now's the time when I fast for most of the day, sleep, and hopefully recover a bit so I can start this process all over again.

I am erect

>>18643738
I wish you were her, made me feels thanks anon.

>>18643921
Tell him that while you are flattered he finds you attractive, you are uncomfortable sending such images, and if he loves you he will respect that.

>>18643887
Haha. Fucking idiot. Get out.

I am asexual, or maybe demisexual

Why would you treat someone that loves you like shit? Someone who genuinely likes you despite your flaws and puts up with your glaring deficits. If you don't return the feelings could you at least respect that you are valued? Do you have lots of girls throwing themselves at you? I know the answer.

I'm tired, but I must hustle

>>18644346
Because I don't feel valued here anymore.
People keep projecting that I'm just okay, so it just pisses me off and leaves me bitter. Sorry to project bitterness, but people have just done that for me lately. Why bother being nice if no one's going to treat me nice?

Everything you ever said was a lie

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Why must I develop feeling, why does my penis and brain want me to seek out relationships.
Rejection is too painful, it hits my confidence like a sledge hammer.
Yet this is normal, I am suppose to set myself up for rejection time and time again until someone does not want to reject me?

Each time I get hurt I swear it will never happen again and each time I allow myself to feel.
Why can't I just cut my heart out and be asexual?

>>18643738
>read this, wishing you were him
>"will likely see you again today"
>impossible
>feelsbadman

My significant other and I parted ways about a year ago. We had both made several mistakes and the relationship was beyond salvation. We were together for several years and it was very painful to see it all go. But this isn't about my deceased relationship.
I haven't been able to feel in love again. That passion, that fire. The butterflies in your stomach. I've had several serious relationships in the past month, but none of them made me feel like a teenager again. Am I not able to feel it anymore? Has she taken my ability to fall in love? How to I recover it? I'm not scared of not finding someone else. Finding someone is easy, if these last 15 months are any indication. I'm afraid of not loving again.

>>18644390
Why bother being nice to her if she'll just cheat again?

>>18644435
same

You hurt and betrayed me, but I still miss you. I can't get through a single day where I don't think of you and cry. I'm never going to be able to forget the last time you told me you loved me, or the first time we kissed. How could I when it was my first kiss? Everything was so new and so special to me. I would have done anything for you. But it was easy for you, right? To throw me away, ignore me, and pretend like we were never together. I hate that you will always be special to me, be engraved inside my memories as my first everything, but to you I'm someone you'll just replace and forget. All the sweet things you've ever told me you've said to someone else and you'll say them again to the next one.

I just got back from my first day of college and I already feel crushingly overwhelmed

all the stuff is partly based online
I don't actually know what I have to do or what any of my assignments are or when anything is due

I'm in a pre-college level math class because I'm so bad at it, and I could only answer like 3 questions on the pre-test

my english course has a shitload of work to do. I write well but it's still difficult for me to do

my history course also has so much fucking work to do on top of projects

all this on top of working 30 hours a week part time
what the fuck am I supposed to do

>>18643759
>be me
>20 lvl
>third time trying into CAO, still no offers
>no friends because being a failure

Might just start doing drugs already.

I hate having to spit words at a blank screen. I hate that I've been so confused about you for so long. I hate that you still send me into a panic. It's been too long since we've had the open head back and forth. I miss you and realize fate is as worthless as it seems. This is me opening my mouth, I realize we both have moved on. The vision still haunts the viewer. You reck havoc on my system but I wouldn't want it any other way. Please take care of yourself, maybe our paths will converge in the future. This is me reaching out. I am an aimless ghost without you.

>>18640334
Is there any live group chats online for people who have drug problems and hallucinations?

>>18644467
>cheating
Oh...
You and I are in totally different situations.

The teasing is fun until I'm stuck thinking about you all day. One day I could be just that bit weaker and we'd have a great time, a great sweaty messy and feral time. Until we turn around and watch our lives crumble behind us. Why doesn't that change how much I want it anyway?

I wish you felt the same way I do.
I guess we'll just end up staying friends, until you cut me off.

>>18644750
Why'd you do it then

you wouldn't fuck me if you were in heat in the middle of janurary during the worst snowstorm on record and the only person in the room with you was me with a pair of leggings on and a cup of hot white cocoa in hand

so i don't blame you

I'm taking a new approach to solving my depression - letting it get worse. Whenever I start exercising and meditating, I feel a lot better, but it distracts me from my ultimate goal of seeking medication, and I end up pushing on despite this massive problem that has robbed me of several years' happiness. By allowing myself to fester in a shitty state like this, it'll be easier to keep myself focused on seeing a doctor and solving my issues.

I didn't ask you out because I thought you were already together with another guy, since I always see you together, but I found out that you just got together last month. I mean, I probably didn't have a shot anyways. You were always with him. But I'm kicking myself for not taking the chance.

I don't even know why I care so much. I thought I had gotten over my crush for you, but it came back today when we all went out. You looked disappointed when I passed over the seat beside you, so the person who I thought (and now know) is your boyfriend could seat there instead, and actually shifted away from that seat after he sat.

I hope you two are happy together. At least that's what I want to say and feel. There's a part of me that thinks you two aren't going to last, though. Maybe I don't know enough about relationships, or maybe you two are completely different behind closed doors, but in public you two don't really appear genuinely happy. Close, for sure, but not really dating material. You constantly antagonize each other. It's cute for flirting, but that's literally the only interaction you two have.

I know a lot of this is because I'm jealous. I feel bad for feeling jealous. I want to be happy for people getting together.

I fucking love you, okay? I know you're moving to Korea, but maybe my first duty station will be there. I'm sorry, I'm Fucking sorry that I can't get the nerve to leave my girlfriend. I fucking hate her, you're all I think about and I wish I could tell you how I feel. I'm sorry I can't act, ok??? I'm fucking sorry that I am just waiting for things to fall in place. I'm like hamlet and... Fuck I dream about you all the time. I have your letter to me in my left breast pocket 24/7. I cry bi-nightly over the fact that we won't work out. I just hope you can light up Korea the way you lit up my whole life. I love you Rachel, even when I can't tell you that.

>>18644283
Demisexual is a stupid word for normal people who want their own special label too.

>>18645059

like "water" is a stupid word for H2O?

>>18644982
This person haunts me on a molecular level, it scares the fuck out of me how I have never been able to maintain composure around this person, I've experienced love but nothing like this, the thought of this person wounds and inspires all at once, I saw him as my cosmic Siamese twin, my true soulmate. I couldn't tell him.

I have no idea how to take care of myself emotionally. I have a steady job, eat well enough, and enough money put away for an emergency.

The necessities are all I know. I was forced to shunt aside anything and everything I wanted for years. Now that I'm on my own, I have no idea how to make myself happy. I can buy food, but not games or movies. Anything that isn't necessary for survival gets ignored because "I need to save money".

I have zero ambition, because if I've got four walls and roof, any risk at all is unacceptable.
It's like a constant record in my head: suck it up, you've got what you need, don't rock the boat, you can get it later.
But later never comes. Later always becomes the Now, and Right Now it can wait. And I never, ever initiate anything.

I never finish anything, either. I was pressured to go to school, and once there I just sat through classes and did what I was told until they shoved me out the door.

I can take care of other people. Friends always say that I have good advice, that I'm caring, talented, etc. They mean it, too. I struggle to do anything to maintain the relationships, but they always invite me along.

I feel like I have a blind spot centered on myself. I feel like everything that deals directly with me is lowest priority. That's why I never commit to anything. Because opening my mouth means signing away time that, if left open, could be used for myself. My interests are unimportant. My opinions are unimportant. I am unimportant. It's so easy to default to that attitude I don't even think about it when I do it, and only realize it days later.

I don't even think I know how to ask for help. I can't even picture myself saying the words; it's like my brain errors out halfway through.

i was a mistake and everyone hates me. people only like to use me until they dont need me anymore.
i dont know what to do with my life, everything i do i fuck up.
the only dream i have is going to uni but i feel like im already old (21) and i just want to end everything but im way to scared because i AM afraid that i mess it up as i mess everything up.
sorry for taking your time.

>>18645128
Water and H2O aren't even the same concepts. You don't drink pure H2O, it's dangerous for your body. So no, water is not a stupid word. It's a more general concept than H2O.

>>18645214

Water = H20. Water in the bottle, not H20.

I haven't talked to nearly most of my relatives/grandma/uncles/aunts and cousins in nearly 10 years due to a falling out with our family.

I found out today my uncle has stage 2 lung cancer and two brain tumors. It kind of fucked me up and I feel awful.

I want to pay for a private cam show. This make me feel like shit.

I went to hookers before, but this tastes bitter. I guess I've just given up.

>>18645151
Why? Why would you waste such an amazing experience? Once I felt that... I could tell when he was in trouble or up to mischief. The living haunting,or whatever you want to call it, feels like the meeting of souls who've travelled through the ages to be together. Tis an intense experience to say the least.

>>18645421
Fear

>>18645426
Fear of what?

>>18645431
Fear of getting destroyed or destroying another person, I fail supreme when it comes to relationships, I get bored easy or boundaries are pushed to the extreme.

>>18645452

it happens to me too. Maybe we're cursed.

Tonight, I'm looking for a documentary to watch. It's difficult to find one because the amount of things I can take an interest in is extremely small, and having searched for over an hour already and found nothing makes the final experience slightly disappointing, since it's another reminder that I have an unusual problem few others must deal with and what I'll end up getting might not even be worth the time and effort to find it.

In the end, it raises the question of whether anything's worth doing. How can you take anything like art or emotions seriously again once you know that they're entirely transient, and prone to disappear indefinitely due to a malfunctioning brain? When I'm well again, these questions likely won't matter, but now they seem like the key to solving my problem. As if all I need is a rational solution to this, when clearly the only choice I have left is to see a doctor. Isn't that silly?

It's best to keep one's mind off these things. If only I could find a decent documentary...

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>>18640334
I hate my life. Can't get a gf. Lip virgin at 21. Can't get a job that I'd actually be happy doing. Basically no friends. Friends I have are mostly getting deployed in military after college. Dog is dying of cancer. At a college I hate. Been forced here out of sheer boredom and isolation. /pol/ has become my only solace. Now I'm on a crusade to fash my campus. Became defact leader of alt-right on campus.

Tfw, I've literally become Pink Floyd

>>18645456
Here here to being cursed

>>18644989
You wanna bet you stupid dumbass

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I’m actively ghosting a girl who is head over heels for me, wanting to sleep with a married woman who I might or might not be feeling the same, and am still in love with my ex-girlfriend. Just got prescribed antidepressants, so that’s great.

I really regret leaving home
I wish you never changed
Things are different now and I don't know what to do
I need to focus on myself but you make it SO difficult
I have had enough of the fighting and the abuse
I cant tell anybody what is going on
You changed, I want the old you back
I really regret leaving home
I wish this never happened

>>18645518
Yea

i ignored my gf for 2 months because she was annoying and kept wanting to spend time with me and now after she dumped me i want to spend the rest of my life with her. i'm an idiot who will never be happy.

>>18645156
if you're doing the basics (exercise, not eating like shit, etc), then try talking to a therapist or life coach. I just started because I have similar issues, and it's been helping so far.

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE THIS, I THOUGHT WE SAID IT WOULDN'T BE AWKWARD. Were we just never that close in the first place?

>>18642807
do they test randomly? if so, best advice is to quit. it sucks for 3 days and then your life gets better. weed can be insidious, it'll slow you down without you realizing.

So i made a huge mistake and winded up even further in debt because of the situation. My SO has flipped personalities and now caused the relationship to go to shit. I want to be by myself and focus on work but SO is like a leech! SO is the one who got me into this shit situation in the first place and I feel total resentment.

Ugh. All the meat I consume goes straight to my ass and hips... This made me super sad until the bf walked in while I was showering and spent twenty minutes admiring me. He begged to wash my feet and gave me a soapy massage..during those moments I prayed to someone that everyone finds love like this. To the KHV posts (the good ones that post here and they tug on everyone's feefees) -- they're out there looking for you. Your love is out there thinking of you and they're longing for you.

Day two of breaking up with girlfriend.

Haven't cried today but feel it in the pit of my stomach. Messaged her on facebook that im deleting her (said I would tell her when I was) because I was creeping her all the time.

Lost my best friend and partner in crime. Im so hot and cold about it. One second im glad and the next I miss her. I know it was the right thing to do but going from seeing them every day to not even a message is destroying me.

My boyfriend has no motivation in life, I ended up fucking a friend who is more attractive has his life figured out, and now I can't stop thinking about him even when I'm with my boyfriend.

I don't know what to do, I would feel bad leaving him because he has very few people he can rely on, but I'm also not sure if he's worth trying to have a future with. It's not even like I want to date the guy I fucked, I just feel I should be with someone I could have a decent future with, whoever that may be.

>>18645676

you drop the bf, you don't cheat on him, you shallow girl.

I think I saw you today, but it was just as I was passing by, out of the corner of my eye. You were looking at me, and our eyes met for less than a moment. There was something in that brevity, though, that was really off-putting. Something critical, painful. I've been looking for you. Not with any goal in mind. I don't know what I'd say or what I'd do if I actually ran into you. I don't know. You were clearly pivotal to me, for a time. You brought my focus back. You gave me energy to change. And then you were gone. I don't know if you know what you meant to me. My fear is that this is where it all began. I don't know if that was you. I don't know if it was real. Before you came along, I thought I'd seen someone else in a similar circumstance. A flash, out of the corner of my eye, just as I passed by, in a crowd, standing, staring at me. Was it real? Today, was it you? I want to hear from you. I don't care what you say. I just need your words and not my own. (A), I love you. Please say something.

>>18645626
What are you talking about?
I'm just quiet because I lost my fucking friend.
You, however, were just quiet because.

Fuck everyone seriously.
Like, I finally fucking find someone that makes me happy whenever I see them and I really think that I might be having a connection with someone again, and all I hear from random people is "Just make sure he's not cheating on you" or if I refuse someone's number and say I have a boyfriend it's "What if the piano falls on his head tomorrow and he dies, or what if you catch him cheating on you?"
Wake what the fuck? Why the fuck is this happening this time?? In my last relationship and the one before that, I didn't hear a single fucking mention of anyone asking anything about cheating at all, and I didn't even like those two as much as I like this guy but all the sudden I get into a happy fucking relationship, and all I can hear is a bunch of negativity from everyone. Keep in mind these are people that don't fucking even know him in these are completely random encounters. It just feels completely fucking negative and it's hard to hear and think about, because I shouldn't even have to be fucking thinking about that. I should just be happy with this new and wonderful person let's come into my life.
Fuck everything seriously. Everyone's got me worrying about this fucking non problem that I've never even had the fucking worry about ever before but now I feel sad because I keep on hearing this come up in fucking conversations.
Jesus, why do things have to be so fucking negative???

I know you're currently in a relationship, and I'm not at all in the business of breaking people up, but there's something so nice about being around you. I'm a shy guy (especially around girls, big surprise there) but after a minute or two our conversations feel so... effortless. The best way I can describe it is that being around you just feels darn comfy. It's easy to meet your eyes and share smiles.

And I'll admit, I feel pretty good (and equal amounts confused) when you sit beside me instead of your boyfriend when we all go out to lunch, and repeat the offhand joke I made on the way there three or four times during the meal. You'll put on a smile when he starts talking, but also roll your eyes and pull out your phone. At the same time, you'll readily set it down and jump into conversations with me.

Maybe you're just enjoying the presence of someone besides him (and his like-minded friends) once in a while as a break. That's fine. I'm not going to hold my breath or get my hopes up that you'll suddenly drop him for me. If we just remain friends, that's fine. I like being around you.

>>18645569
Internet hug anon, I think you need one. Abusive people don't change the situation just gets worst. If someone truly loves you they wouldn't treat you in that matter.

To be honest.. I keep on thinking about you even though we are strangers again, P.. Its just that everything that surrounds me reminds me of you.. I thought i've moved on.. I guess i still want you, huh?

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>>18645691
Uh, anon. If you're seeing folks that may not actually be there, you need to go see a psychologist. That's an early warning sign for schizophrenia and psychosis.

Don't fucking take those meds again you fucking stupid moron, you wanna die again go back to 2010 or worse before 2006 back in highschool.

You can't change shit dumbass only influence it. Whatever you do it will just all happen pretty much the same damn way, the friends that you had that died will just die again, the friends you will loose you will loose again, the lovers of your life that you thought you loved you will just loose again. Do you wanna fuck up again and let that person remember you, fuck no that was 1000X the worse idea in your plans and its not going to work entirely anymore in what you expect anymore.

I know you had a shitty childhood but please just let it go, I know all you ever wished for and needed was a best friend but I don't know if we can change that now. I truly wish we could but I think we screwed up to much in life that we set things in stone permanetly. I know if we could change that one simple event in life from those lying cheating blackmailing basterd that helped ruin it allf for you we would all change pretty much for the better.

To: Myself stop taking the fucking meds to hallucinate on them, get away from your family, start a new life, and try to seek medical help and treat yourself. For fuck sakes get a grip on reality.

I don't get it. I don't get how people can be confident enough to say whatever the fuck they want, damn the consequences. I'm reserved and I don't have the guts to say what I really want to say, and more often than not when I see people who seem confident and fearless... they're really just thirsty motherfuckers. They have the confidence to actually talk to women, not caring if they get ignored or not. I am pretty damn thirsty too, but I don't want anyone to outright know that immediately unless they actually do know me. I'm not gonna say I'm better than such people, I'm no better than anyone really. I guess I just don't understand it. And I get extremely hung up if I don't get a response from someone immediately-- so I just can't fathom how people can do it and not care. Is that it? That's it, isn't it? I just care too much about what people would think of me, that's why I don't say much.

I don't know. I'm rambling and have no one to say this to.

I feel like there is no spark left for us. Especially since the incident. I cant trust you. I'm going to apologize for doing this. But I will apologize for wasting 6 years of both of our times. When I leave the country after I get my bachelor's; please find someone who will want to do notbing with you. I cant have my life be mundane anymore and its killing me. I think I've found someone better.... I think. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to fuck up my life now that its semi normal. Idk

>>18645989
Not going to apologize*
>im bad at english

I'm so scared

This is my third semester in college and I've accomplished fucking nothing. My first semester went down the drain because I was going to culinary school and I didn't want to be a chef anymore. My second semester when down the drain because my bitch of a gf broke up with me and I sat around being a sad shit. I have never had a job and Ive been applying and going to interviews but everyone of them has been shit.

I don't even know what I want to major in in college. I love music. I want to pursue it but I'm shit at singing, and my musical instrumental talent has been plateaued for a long time.

I don't know what to do. Everyone around me seems to have it all figured out.


Please help.

>>18645817
Take em! What have u got to lose? No one loves you

>>18645975
They're not "thirsty" dumbshit, just more attractive than you in every way. Sex is a product, market yourself

I feel society has conditioned me to think of inaction as evil, or a misdeed, but I can't reconcile that idea with the way that I or society actually behaves.

I suppose it's the idea that a witness or audience is a participant that by being aware of an act of virtue or malice becomes fractionally morally like what they perceive, but what kind of moral evaluation should then be made for actively ignoring or seeking to be uninformed of malice, since that implies awareness that malice exists and I hate this train of thought because it keeps coming back to 'we are all awful, and the only way to be good is to seek malice and fight it' but I dislike that conclusion because it implies that inaction or ignorance are inherently bad.

I should probably read some actual philosophy texts on the subject so my understanding of and thoughts on morality can become more nuanced than what I worry is 'teenager.'

>>18645992
I don't want an apology, I don't expect anything approaching manners or humility from you. What's 6 years between strangers? Life isn't mundane, you're just really boring and uninspired. Keep going and don't look back.

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I love you man, more than any human being could ever possibly love someone.

You left me here alone these past three weeks that I've been here. I'm scared. I'm alone. I'm making bad decisions.

I miss you. I miss crying into your arms and everything was going to be okay after that. I love you so much. Please come back.

>>18646019
Check out Daoism

You broke my heart on my birthday only to beg me to take you back after the 4th of July. I should've ignored you and not given this another chance. I can't get rid of that scar, and my diminishing attraction for you is only compounded by your radical transformation into a tumblr-esque hambeast after your first paycheck in a year.

I thought curing your depression would have brought the best out of you, but instead you are engaging in self-sabotage. Why can't you let go of your nihilism and give a fuck about yourself? It wouldn't take much for me to marry you from that point on, but you won't. You like things handed to you on a silver platter and expect me to do all the work. I won't. I've had it. We'll never get those early innocent days back. I will always be haunted by the memory of the beautiful blue eyed girl I met and her voluntary disfigurement. You were beautiful and threw it all away. Why? I guess I didn't love you, I loved the idea of you.

>>18642681
stop giving so much of a fuck. you're good looking dude

>>18642471
>>18642446
>>18642438
>>18642341
>>18642336
>>18642200
>>18641898
:(

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I fucked up. I applied to the company of my dream and went as far as the last round of interview, but I fucked up. I fucked up hard and there's no second chance for me to fix it because my visa will be invalid in 2 months and the company probably won't hold another newly graduated recruitment until next year. Shit. SHIT! SHIT!

I don't know why, but at this moment I feel very empty.

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I wanted a normal student life. You know the kind where you go to school as a healthy kid and have a slim body. Call me pathetic but I always dreamed of living a boring, mundane, hs life where maybe I would have a girlfriend and maybe id have a small group of loyal friends since day one. To be fair, some of my decisions clearly did not relflect that and my life didnt allow it either. I know we're on a weebsite but...I've always wanted to live a lame slice of life where the characters just hang out and enjoy themselves instead of doing drugs and fucking whores. I adored that picture, when times were more simple but I guess thats not reality
Im not even an addict, my friends consider me the least type of person who would be a druggie.
Why was my teenage years such a blur? Maybe im fucked up? I have shown kindness many times in the past, I still do today. I should probably leave this place. Im holding out on a prayer because there is this one girl I knew all this time and it wasnt until the very end where she showed me she loves me. But something happend and it will be the story Ill never know because I wasn't cool. Life held me back and I submitted. I will never know for sure because its all over I guess. I hope you guys see brighter days, because im working for em.

>>18646019
Beautiful thought, but Aristotle had it before you.

"There is one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance"

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I need some help guys,
So my gf and me have only seen eachother once a week last month and we kinda developed an akward distance to eachother since before that we lived together in our flat (we both went home because of uni break). So yesterday i wanted to ask her why its been so akward lately and then she told me thinks she likes another guy. So basically im in fucking shambles right now because our relationship lasted 3 years and we were happy most of the time.
We talked over it again today and i told her i want to break up with her because i feel like she cheated on me. (The guy she "likes" was on a festival with her and they fucking slept in the same tent, she says there was nothing she did with him)
But when i said i want to break up and stood up and wanted to go she said i should stay and we should talk.
So i stayed and talked with her and cried like a bitch (she didnt shed a tear but she looked startled, overwhelmed) and she got me to not break up with her but just take a "break". So now were on this break but i feel like shit because the reason it got akward between us was because we didnt talk and now we want to solve it by not talking?
So should we just try to talk a lot with eachother or is the break the right idea? Am i an idiot for even trying?
>pic related, she kinda looks like this, but cuter

>>18646118
Saw your thread earlier, never let me respond.

You should dump him right now with an apology for leading him on. He's taking things like you holding his hand as signals he can continue to try with you, and you're just letting him waste his time and esteem.

>>18644750
You should get your monitor fixed.

>>18642762
Doesn't matter.

Man, I wanna go. I wanna go see the world. I wanna leave everything behind and go up north, where everything is close by. Fuck living with my parents. I wanna go and be successful. I'm willing to try. I'm willing to sacrifice it all, just to see what the world is like outside my state.

>>18646160
idiot
even if nothing have happened so far, now you gave permission to her to suck his cock and jolly god she will

why are you even here? are you 18? fucking retarded good looking ppl with no brain reee why are you even having a cute chick like her fuck youuuuu

>>18646184
I want answers from people who are not retarded

>>18642972
I Just want to be alone with you this summer.

>>18646184
I want answers from non retarded people

>>18643008
School is prison. Find your inmates. You got this.

Fuck you. You sound like you are interested in me, than don't even look at messages while you are laughing talking to others online. Invite me for that dinner, only for it to turn out that it's a dinner with your ex there. Show up as soon as I call you, then pretend it was actually you who asked me out. How do I fucking forget you asshole finally? And how do I stop the idiots around me telling me to give you more chances? Like you fucking played me once and make me break down entirely in the past already, I should not have even responded to the baits. I should just ignore you, no talking, no meeting up, only make myself free for nice guys.

>>18644346
I wish I had the place to show the girl I feel the same way. Pretty sure im rolling dice at this point.

>>18646195
Don't forget to violently and sexually assault anybody who dares drop their eraser, as well. You've got to show them you aren't playing around.

>>18645691
I want to spend a summer with a girl I know talking about highschool.

>>18646035
I havent held a girl in my arms since 8th grade.

I'm seeing psychical representations of my unresolved traumatic memories and repressed emotions (from what I understand). I act out my discomfort, stress and disgust with coping methods, distractions and vices. I need to heal or i'm going to crush myself to death with this pent up emotional weight.

Tonight I will admit to myself things that I did that I thought I couldn't recognize later because in my mind I would have rather been dead than admit I once was the person that did or thought these things.

These thoughts are in no particular order. I'll write as I think of it.

I grew up in a forced christian home with a mentally deranged, ignorant mother. It was beaten into my head that I was a soft child of god and I could do no harm. My mother did everything for me including holding me down and brushing my teeth instead of teaching me to do it myself. I was delusional and actually didn't think to question any of it because I was an air headed idiot of a child. All I cared about was cartoons, video games and trading cards.

In high school I dated a girl that liked witchcraft and everything to do with spells. Must have been a message from the universe or something because it was from this relationship that the cracks began to show and I started to slowly become more self aware of myself and how others perceived me and my god obsession. I would go to her house sometimes and grope her without thinking anything of it. I assume I saw it in porn or something. I remember doing something wrong when I was touching her vagina on her bed and she pushed me away saying it hurt. I hid my erection under a pillow and lied about it to her face. Then I ran to the bathroom to scrub my hands. I was just a fucked up dumb kid. I'm tired of feeling disgust and embarrassment about myself when I think of this years later. I forced my hand down her pants. I wont do something like that again and I'm letting this go. I'm forgiving myself for this.

>>18646212
Nice one. More like spitballs though.

i'm a little frustrated i usually feel like last priority
i understand people are busy but somethings gotta give
eh

The only girl iv'e ever truly loved is a highschooler. I can't bring myself to tell her because of my current GF and because of our age difference, a 6 year age difference. but man, every time we talk, I get excited. Every time I see a picture of her, my heart drops. We truly don't choose who we love. This is some kind of curse. I don't know what it is about her, but yeah. I hope I don't feel this way forever

We shoud kiss or spend time together. Im pretty sure you fucked those black guys at that party drugged up because people from school insinuate it. What the fuck girl?
I dont care I still want to talk to you but school ended. I want to spend the last summer days talking to you.

>>18646221

In elementary school I dated this half native girl with cute dimples. One time we were walking to the play field and she started singing to me along the way. I couldn't simply listen. Something told me to not listen. Stomach crunching, I aggravated my nearby friend to distract her and change the subject. I was shy. I'm still getting an unhappy feeling with myself for not hearing her out without immediate denial of her singing attempt. You were a child that felt embarrassed and shy. Being critical now is because you want people to be skilled and not stay bad or mediocre at the skills they show you.

Later in high school I lost most my friends due to my behavior. I had an art teacher that I liked to be around. He hosted a club I would attend where we would draw after school. I remember one time asking him if he ever became aroused from a naked model in some childish manner. He questioned my motive and became offended. Then, in order to try and cover for my mistake of a question, I mentioned something about whether or not it would be different if he was homosexual. He then stated "Why would it matter?!". I just wanted to have a conversation with him and didn't know what to say. So I said whatever stupid thing came to my mind. I was so focused on just having a conversation and being a part of the conversation that I didn't think before I spoke. I wanted to be liked and I had no clue why.

Can someone help me understand something? This happened earlier:

>text one of those hotlines because need help
>tell them I want to die and kill myself
>really just need help going to the hospital because problems but have no way to get there
>several hours later there's banging at the front door
>it's a fucking sheriff
>"someone told us you're trying to kill yourself"

How the fuck did they find me? Isn't this being doxxed or something similar? The organization is located in New York and I am waaaaaaay far away from there, so what the fuck? Also, when I texted it wasn't on a phone it was on my computer with my google phone, so again, how did they find me? I mean yeah it has a number with an area code but all it should tell them is an area (which again is away from me, the number has a different area code from where I am.) It goes over the internet so it's not the same as going through cell data or a land line, at least I figure it would be a little different. Trying to figure out how they took a phone number and traced it back to my computer that uses wireless internet. I feel violated. Also, why do people in America pretend to care if you're suicidal? Several countries (and even some states in the u.s.) practice assisted suicide. Why is there a law controlling what YOU do with YOUR life? Oh yeah I remember now, you don't own yourself, the government owns you, so no destroying """their""" property. Can I sue them? Or is there no legal recourse? (by them I mean this organization not the government) I read their terms of service and they basically did what they said they will never do and I'm pissed about it for some reason.

i set a new record. I killed a case of 12 beers plus like 4-5 more.

you really fucked me up.

I'm really frustrated with you worthless whores. But I'm a real street nigga, so I'll continue lying and manipulating you cunts. Let's get it!

>>18646314

There was a time late in my high school adolescence when I dressed up in clothing I can only describe as made for women.
Cringe doesn't even help describing it. This is fucked. I became obsessed with this fashion style and music genre. There was also this girl.
I fucking fell hard for her. Harder than any girl I have ever liked. I was obsessed, no, I secretly worshiped her.
She was everything I wasn't and everything I didn't understand but wanted to know. So I spent all this time with her and it fed my desire.
So like an idiot I changed everything about myself until I looked like this abomination of a young and confused adolescent male, to try and please her and get her to like me more.
Every guy I knew would ask me if I was dating this girl. "I'm not" I would proclaim each time.
We were always talking about the next band we liked or some future plans we had. I couldn't get why she chose me to do this with though.
I mean, her other friends were aspiring artists and beautiful, popular girls that did well in school.
She must have wanted a male friend outside her abusive boyfriend she had to talk to and get the things he wouldn't give her and I lapped up the opportunity.
I was the pinnacle example of the definition for the phrase "friend zoned" and I loved it at the time.

I want to conclude these embarrassing thoughts by giving thanks to to some random chick for teaching me admiration and how to not to act in a relationship (whether that's dating or just being friends).
On the flip side, thank you for also teaching me how to properly act in social situations with girls my age. (For example: Make your intentions clear if you like her from the start and don't sit around friend zoned).

Otherwise you were sexy as fuck and I would have fucked your brains out given the chance. (wow, what a surprise.) Thank you /adv/ for this thread. I learned a lot about myself from this writing session and I'm laying it to rest.

Or set of values, as I've discovered, is immensely different. What you hold dear and important in life I see as a perversion and hedonistic indulgence, and what I view as sacred seems only archaic and barbaric to you. I do not see how our sets of values can be reconciled without one party being disregarded and undermined. This is a conundrum I don't have the willingness to solve anymore. Be as it may.

I understand you, as much as it hurts.

Your family thought low of me because of my age and beliefs, and seriously hampered the atmosphere of your daily life by doing everything they could to get us to abandon the relationship we had so carefully (and, in the beginning, awkwardly and slowly) built up. We both were attached to each other in a way I think we still can't really put into words, but it suffices to say that we could depend on each other at all times, and never felt any love like this before. We spent years talking to each other with genuine interest, whether it was about music, our beliefs, the way we thought we could make the world a nicer place, and trying to provide support and advice in each others hard times. We were each others best friends, and the type of love that came from it was one I believed to be movie material only. We both had difficult pasts, but found a will to go on in each other. After an awkward first kiss that felt like a gigantic relief after all these years, we were both so blown away all we could do was talk more, and more. Times of pure ecstasy followed, still unmatched to anything this day.

I remember when you left to study in Korea for 6 months a while later. As I was still young, I was frightened by what the voyage could change about you, but at the same time excited for you to see all the things the world has to offer. As I asked you if I could come say goodbye to you at the airport, your father (who would drive you there, a 4 hour drive, unable to be done by anyone else at the time) got into a fit of rage and told me that if I wanted to come along, he wouldn't drive and would prevent the whole family, including your two young brothers, from saying goodbye. According to him, it was a family affair to say goodbye, something I shouldn't be part of. The days after are vague to me, despite remembering you begging me to stay home for the sake of your family.

Part I -

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I completely blew it with the best girl I've met in years. Her personality/interests/looks were all perfect and she even seemed to like me. Then she suddenly got really direct and asked me some really specific relationship questions around communication and such and I fucked up by telling her what I thought she wanted to hear rather than what I really thought because I didn't really have a good truthful answer. As it turned out if I'd taken more time to think about it and told the truth she probably would have been ok with it. I basically told her I was lying once I realised it didn't reflect my real thoughts on the matter and I looked pathetic.

Now she's basically said that she's not interested in meeting again and I feel terrible. I know there will be plenty of other opportunities but I genuinely feel like she could have been one of the best possible matches and I blew it because I'm too inexperienced at dating.

I can't stop thinking about what I could potentially tell her to salvage things but deep down I know there's no turning back at this point without looking like a desperate loser.

I wonder if you actually want to talk to me. Most days I do ok, but sometimes I miss you like crazy. I know you're the one who dumped me, but you seemed willing to keep talking to me until you did the awful thing and I snapped.

I told you I'd never talk to you again. I meant it. But I wonder if it meant anything to you?

Probably I was the only one hurt. Whatever. I hope you actually love this new guy. I hope he breaks your heart.

I wish I lived in a different country

You shouldn't have acted like you wanted to fuck if you didn't want to fuck. You could not have picked a worse guy to do that to. Why would you do that to me?

i still think about you, wondering what it could have been if i wasnt an asshat, youd have 2 babies by now from me and you still have none

you even showed interest last time but i just couldnt handle how you payed me back, something tells me you arent happy eventhough you should be

maybe this is my cross or something, we didnt even know eachother that well no matter how it felt

stay safe Annou

>>18646426
I abided to your request, and spent the day of your departure crying in my room, not understanding what was wrong about me that made it so hard for them to bear me. In our years before and during the relationship, I tried to help you with your difficult family whenever a problem arose, and was massively emotionally invested in your situation. I did my best to be the best boyfriend and man I could to make your father and mother happy about and proud of their daughter. Time upon time, I was told I was 'the son of the devil', problematic to your development, and someone not to be trusted. I didn't understand. Young and with a naive but loving heart, I did all I could to change their minds and prove them I loved you more than anything else. I failed to realise the problem wasn't with me and couldn't be changed, but was with their mindset, a form of overprotectiveness that rejected everyone that wasn't 100% optimal in any way. In the process of completely abandoning my self-respect and self-worth for the approval of your parents, I started losing my emotional stability as I invested more time in trying to help you.

During your time in Korea, everything was great. We sent each other letters, little food packages, and used Skype to talk during the evenings. These sessions would often end up in all-nighters for me (or you) because of time zone differences, but we loved it. When you got back, we jumped into each others arms, happy to see each other as we were. Regardless, problems in your family started growing bigger. Your father became unemployed, and often screamed at his wife or sons while maintaining a belittling and patronising attitude towards you, despite you being 19. As we lived our lives together again and hung out more often, your father threathened to leave your mother if you wouldn't leave me, and kept on belittling me, emotionally abusing you and me, and never saying a word whenever I came to visit. This resulted in an inferiority complex.

Pt II

I thought I had gotten sat these nights of staring at the ceiling, not only had he procured all the covers but he produced such a defeaning snore near my ears, I kept turning this way and that way hoping to force his body to shift in a different direction but again my ears became the victim of he snarled breathing, so I have given up for the night, I came across another journal and the ending to the ramble was only contentment can fight off sorrow, I've come along way since those days, I've lost a lot of myself in the process.

>>18646463
Eventually, the problems became too much, and we ended up in arguments about things we realistically wouldn't even want to argue about, but just did because of the stress and frustration of the situation. You started performing worse and worse at school, I started picking up unhealthy habits like smoking and depressive thinking due to thinking I'd never be good enough while still loving the hell out of you. We both wanted it to be over and live happily like we had in the beginning days, but failed to realise it was already too late. Your father had talked you into believing I was the factor that drove your family apart, and I, emotionally broken because of all these pressurizing (and, I can assure you, terrifying things) being put on me, our first amazing and fun conversations turned into heated arguments about 'solutions' to the problem. You started caring less and less, and I got more desperate to convince you all I wanted was to help and love you. In fits of rage, we broke up twice, but quickly after realised we simply needed each other and still cared after all. The last time we got together, your father wasn't allowed to know and your mom tried to help to keep it a secret. Arguments became prevalent once more, and your mother brought us to a psychologist to talk about the family situation and my role as a boyfriend. This is the point that I broke down entirely. Your psychologist had been called before by your father, who found out about us and spread words about how 'bad and evil' I was, and essentially the person supposed to help us completely destroyed me in front of the person I loved. All I saw in her eyes was agreement, and it broke me down entirely.

I realised he had done it. The pressuring had worked, you wanted to get rid of me for the sake of peace.

For a couple weeks, you still wanted to have sex, but became emotionally distant and slowly shut down all the memories we had made over the past 2 years. Pt. III

>>18646479
As we sat down in park during night one day, we tried to talk about the problems we had both noticed were there, and tried to find out if there was a possibility we could fix this up. We had faint dreams about living together one day to simply get rid of the pressure her family put on us, but she was more and more convinced it would simply be better to leave the whole thing hanging. As we sat there discussing it all, her father 'caught' us, and came up to us with a speed I haven't seen before in my life. He started shouting insults at me, calling me a cancerous person, piece of shit, and violently trying to pull his daughter away. He threathened to beat me (mind you, a 17-year old with a really naive, soft heart) with a baseball bat if I followed. You started screaming in panic and disbelief, and I ran after you in complete shock and emotional overflow. Your father violently pushed you away from me, and threw punches at me. I followed you still, trembling on my feet, as I saw you walking back. Your mother came out of the house, screaming at you and taking you inside. Your father insulted me more and told me to never get close to you again. You were taken inside and I could hear the screaming continue for a solid 20 minutes, being unable to move in absolute panic and mental instability. Then, your father came out with a baseball bat. He had seen me, and ran after me until I was almost home again. I arrived at my mother's completely in tears, with a look in my eyes she said she never saw before. Later that night, you called me to tell me you were breaking up.

Fast forward to now. I'm an emotionally broken 20-something that doesn't know how to deal with feeling of inadequacy, the love of his life being taken away by her family, and lives his life feeling like a ghost from the past. We tried to talk a little while back, but all you said is that you wanted to 'friendzone me before anything happened'. It's like you were an entirely new person. Pt. IV

>>18646492
Last part.

I've heard my friends and people who know you say what you've changed into. You're a party girl living her life loosely now, apparently bedding guys in the blink of an eye. Whatever got into you, I want you to know I don't blame you. It's been an incredibly tough situation that put permanent marks on the both of us. Neither of us is really to blame, but I feel like I can't live with what happened. To see something so beautiful be completely destroyed without reason, to see all this blackmailing happen (and even -work- in the end), to see all the conflicts and sadness come from something we both valued so deeply.

It's over now, you've told me a hundred times I'm sure. But there's not a day I think of you, sometimes about your beautiful smile and all the great things we could share with each other, sometimes about the way you kicked me down when I was emotionally broken, but always with a sense of craving. As an unsolved puzzle, I'll walk by life wondering why I was so recklessly invested in a hopeless cause. And as an unsolved puzzle, you will probably walk by life wondering whether it was me, you, or your family that permanently put an end to who I used to be.

Resolve me from these thoughts.

I'll always love you.

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I cried so hard today that it made me sick. I'm just so tired of everything.

You were with someone and fell in love with someone else, which is shitty but happens.
Then you left the first dude for a different dude altogether, while still loving the second dude.

You are the worst person.

How do I become asexual?

It doesn't even feel like I'm in a relationship, it feels like "friends with a slight benefit once every 2 months if i'm lucky"...

You're dead to me and always will be

>>18646666
I love it when your romantic

>>18642476
>partially bi
So like a Kinsley 2?

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I kinda feel like writing a story. I'm not good at it, and I really never done anything like it. I just feel like doing it.
Hmm, is it strange that I'm inspired by a friend that put me into one of her stories? I'm apparently a character in her tale.
Part of feels honored, another a bit fearful because she seems to like me more than I thought.

Maybe that's what I want to write about. Almost like a prelude to her tale, from the pov of my guy.
Haha. So fucking weird.

It's been a long time since I have felt like this. Inspired.

You are the true girl that I loved and admired for that I needed in my life. You were kind, sweet, gentle, fun, very talented at what you do, rad and always fun to talk too. I wish I never posted that link to my supposed friend linking to you. Now you two are together. I wish I could of been given a chance but all I know is if I truly love something its just best to let it go.

It was a dumb mistake for me to do that and I still kind of regret it but if you are happy well I guess I am fine with that.

I have your exact location

>>18647109
Throw down if you think your cock's big enough

>>18647141
You fucked up

>>18647148
You don't have shit lmao

>>18647157
You fucked up more than you could even realize

>>18647164
Calling your bluff

>>18647167
Whatever helps you sleep

>>18647171
What are you going to do? Nothing. You bluff and lie so much that your words are completely hollow.

>>18647182
I'll let you figure that one out yourself

>>18647109
Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

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>>18647198
I'lL lEt YoU fIgUrE tHaT oNe OuT yOuRsElF

Maybe it's because of those stupid mental illness comics I'm reading, but it really feels like there's something gripping onto my brain. I'm not normal right now and I just don't know what to do. Sleeping it off sounds great, except for the fact that I've been doing that for my whole life and it's partly why everything went so wrong.

>>18647219
I <3 how entertaining this board is, I throw words across pages to find inner peace and get to read a scroll shoutout of hey you there, we know where you Sleep, good luck hashing that out anons, yes this place is cancer. Just think about the sheer statistics of actually having the person you're writing to being the person to reply. This is much cheaper than therapy, I couldn't stand shelling out cashola to someone who was just going to tell me I'm not accountable for my actions, blame everyone else, America, the land of freedom and no accountability.

>>18647217
Could be a bad thing

S, I seriously hope you are all right. You have gone dark again.

I'm stumped, advice. Recently moved in with my mate and his girlfriend.

His girlfriend's kids reminded me how much I cannot stand toddlers as she has one. He doesn't seem to mind, but I sure as hell hate them.

However, her sister, is a beauty. And on that note, she supposedly likes me. Unfortunately, she has two toddlers. Pretty sure she just wants someone to watch her kids as well as they're constantly over, being watched by my mates girlfriend.

She's very pretty though. However, stupid quiet and seemingly shy. Use to try and flirt with her about 6 years ago in HS, but she'd smile, blush, and remain quiet.

Odd for a pretty girl as usually they know they're pretty and it's okay for them to be loud. Personally find loud girls more attractive as well, but she seems nice.

I'm a bouncer at the biggest nightclub/bar in my city. I have a reputation of not taking shit from anyone. My appearance and my size make people give me a wide birth. Even when I try to be friendly, people say I look intimidating. Apparently I have the male equivilent of resting bitch face. This has made it difficult for me to pick up women since they're so afraid of me. I'm horny as fuck and lonely as fuck.

On a different note, I'm sick of people trying to undermine what I do. Some of these people need to be bitch slapped for their passive aggressive bullshit. I bust my fucking ass at my job, a lot of what I do goes unnoticed.