No one will help me?

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Hi, I have no one to talk to and I am reaching a point of desperation. I am very afraid. My father died last year and I don't think I am over the grieving stage but I really don't know. Since he passed I have been working to better myself but I got fired from the job that I admired three weeks ago. Ever since then I have been in a downward spiral because I have been trying not to be depressed about the loss of my father. I dont know how to open up to people anymore either. This is the main reason I lost my job is because I work in an office setting so you see people every day And I am hiding a lot of pain so when people look at me and expect a reaction I just look down or keep looking forward to hide my pain that I would never ever ever want to share with anyone no one deserves to feel as horrible as I do. When I lost my job I started abusing drugs like molly and lsd and the reason for This is I think i have a genuine desire to be dead so I am mentally preparing myself for suicide by running the rest of what I have left into the ground. I want to have a wide and be happily married one day thats all I want. I think I have a psychological problem but I cannot receive help for it because I can't afford professional help. I am very terrified of myself because I have a gambling problem as well.

I understand that I am seen as weak at this time and I think that also may be one of my issues is that people's perception of me does not influence me at all at this point. I have lost all of my social skills and I don't even have social media. I am seen as weird by everyone.

I don't know if this is really advice , I just have nowhere to vent this out because I don't want my family to be stressed out knowing that I'm reaching the bottom of the barrel. I am ready to die because I am a loser who just drains resources and I do. I also just want to be dead with my father as well which is a huge motivating factor for my behavior.

Thank you for reading. May God bless you