What should I do now ? I don't even know.

File: 1471467848336.jpg (131KB, 637x900px) Image search: [Google]

131KB, 637x900px

>>18637329
I grow more and more disgusted by them. Rodger's kind of feels for his fellows asian geeks, they reminded me of my social failure so I hated them even more than normies because they were alive images of my own failure. Especially toward girls. At that time I was so in love with two of them that I wrote nearly 100 pages of shitty poems on them. I still have those text somewhere on my old pc. Needless to say, I never managed to send those texts or even to attempt anything with those girls and suffered because of that. But more than that, those geeks disgusted me with their general inaction. I legit wanted to explore abandoned houses, to take drugs, to fight vilains and to save princesses. Sure, I liked video games just like them. But it was more of a poor substitute for real quests and adventures for me. Something that could make me feel that I was a hero and give me some meaning. But clearly not sufficient nor satisfactory. I tried to push them to do other things, adventures with me, some exploration, some travel. Even when I managed to get a bottle of good liquor, stoled in the family basement, and proposed to them to do a party in the woods with it they refused with no man we're too young for alcohol, we were 14 at that time. This is what fuelled my hate towards them. The fact that they were exactly like normies, refusing to do anything abnormal, anything that could put them in peril. Normies conform themselves to their social norms, to their little world where they act exactly as they are supposed to. So do those crypto robots, playing vidya all day and contempting themselves with tendies and WoW. I eventually broke up with them, and started to hang alone because I couldn't stand them anymore. That only fuelled my feelings toward girls, I basically totaly lock myself in litterature and poesy and do nothing more than reading poesy and dreaming, waiting to find my princess and love her and travel the world with her and naive things like that.

File: joan-of-arc-albert-lynch.jpg (419KB, 800x1104px) Image search: [Google]

419KB, 800x1104px

>>18637330
I can't say I was exactly depressed at that time, because even though I was alone, I still hoped for love and for a great future full of heroism. Though it's definitly here when began my abnormal view and relationship with girls. I actually idealized them so much that I wasn't able to sexualize them. Of course, it's at that stage that puberty hit me hard and that I began to have urges. But I autistically and unconsciously separated the two domains of real life girls that I viewed as asexual idols, that I just wanted to hug and love, and the sexual domain, reserved to the nocturnal porn activity in which I purged all my dirty and violent urges. See, there is something inherently bestial, dirty, violent in sexuality. People who are sane understand it very soon, and don't repress it. They accept that violent nature of sexuality, but they also accept the sentimentality and affection that is another part of relationships. The two are melted together for them, and it's normal, they want to savagely fuck the same women they want to hug tenderly as they should. Though, when you're a little beta romantic teen who is confined in a world of litterature, you can't manage to that blend between those two ingredient because sexuality seems abnormal to you and thus you separate the two. The desire of real girls became purified of its sexual element and thus became abnormaly romantic, absolute, "pure", which led to an inability to correctly seduce womens. The sexual desires, also became separated of their sentimental elements, and thus became abnormaly kinky, degenerate, violent. This is a pathologic and dangerous condition, as you will see it later.

File: dinamica-dell-azione-miti-dell-azione-mussolini-a-cavallo-1939.jpg (129KB, 1181x811px) Image search: [Google]

129KB, 1181x811px

>>18637335
A big change occured around when I was sixteen. First, it was another establishment, in France you have two establishment, first the college between 11 and 15 years, and then the lycee between 15 and 18. Needless to say, people are less dumb in general in the second one and the retarded ones don't even pass the test to enter the second, so, the general atmosphere is a little better. Also, you meet new people since there are in general three or four colleges in one city but one lycee. But the main change that occured at that time was personal, I started to interest myself to other kinds of lectures, not only poesy and litterature but also political ones. Mostly reactionnary and traditionalist kind of lectures. Evola and Guenon of course, but not only them, also a lot of french royalist authors (like Maurras, De Maistre and other counter-revolutionarry materials). Of course, I didn't understand those authors totaly. I even sometimes totatly reversed the sense of their writings. Evola would spit on my sentimentality, Maurras was a pragmatic who didn't like dreamers and so more. But that didn't matter for me, I found an enemy to make responsible for my sufferings. I used those authors and their texts to form a worldview who was a little caricatural at that time, even though even today I still think there is some truth to it. That is that the modern world killed idealism, killed heroism, killed any form of life that isn't purely tied to the material goods. That the french revolution was the cataclysm that symbolize the definitive passage from the heroic times, those of the knight, the aristocrat, the warrior-monk, the great sufferings but also the great yearnings of the soul to the disgusting reign of the bourgeois, of the banker, of the interest, of comfort, of weakness, of atavistic pleasures. It gived me an perfect explanation, a perfect scape goat to explain my sufferings and my incompability with the world.

File: squadristi.png (404KB, 630x401px) Image search: [Google]

404KB, 630x401px

>>18637338
In the same way MGTOW dudes seriously think feminism is the only responsable for the fact they can't get laid, I basically blamed the fact that nobody was idealist and romantic on the modern world and the french revolution and its progeny ( all kinds of leftisms ). So I began, not only to read, but also to talk to everyone about it. It somehow killed my shyness and my original angst due to my early rejection. I had the feeling that it was too important, that I had to convice people, no matter if they accept me and what I have to say or not. Turns out, this kind of worked out great for me. See, I live in south-east France in a coastal town. And south-east France is full of right-wingers, for a lot of reasons (for instance, the fact that most pieds-noirs, the french who lived in colonized Algeria and get thrown out by arabs after the independance, came here). So the sons of those right-wing people, naturally were inclined to that type of speech. Even if they didn't understand totaly what I was saying, they liked the fact that someone actually trolled leftist teachers, returned their arguments, and generally was defiant to them and their worldview. I actually had the "edgy intellectual" reputation. I was invited to most parties, people saluted me at school, sometimes random people just went talking to me. I didn't belong to a group but talked to everyone and sympathized with everyone. Do you think I used that temporal popularity in order to meet a girl ? No, of course I didn't. I was still hoping to "meet the one".

File: 15492060_10208400171942122_642932271402608014_n.jpg (59KB, 640x487px) Image search: [Google]

59KB, 640x487px

>>18637340
My other half. That I needed. Even when I was at parties, tottaly drunk, and some girls were clearly interested in me I spended my time asking myself stupid questions like " Is she made for me ? " and eventually lose her interest after too much waiting, which was fine with me anyway, since the only thing I wanted was the one I could share my life with and not some girl who lose interest after two hours if I don't answer to her signals. Nobody knowed that I was a virgin, maybe some people suspected it, but since nobody saw me with a girl, but other argued that I was just secretive about my private life and other things like that. So, no huge stigma about it.

But I wanted more than just talking to teachers and convincing some friends that the modern world needed to be destroyed. I wanted to fight, I wanted to take real political actions. I more or less get introduced to the local far-right circles. And that was a huge disappointment for me. They were litteraly white thrash. The kind of guys that do parties and have fun putting vodka in their eyes for instance. That the sole political goal was to scream " nigger " in the streets. I tried and tried to talk with them, to give them proper lectures on what was tradition, the modern world. It was useless, the only thing that interested them was to order new pairs of boots on the internet and provoking people. I slowly started to realize that those people will never accomplish anything, and that if that's the kind of resistance the modern world encounter, then the fight is already lost.

It's also at the same time (I was 18) that I had my first real huge sentimental deception. I met that girl, with her long black hairs, her clear blue eyes, her air of candor and majesty when I was walking home from a party. She was just passing in the streets, and it was actually the first time I tried to directly approach a girl in the street, but I don't know I feeled that I needed to do it.

File: 1471470928556.jpg (100KB, 1200x1261px) Image search: [Google]

100KB, 1200x1261px

>>18637341
I managed to talk to her without losing too much spaghettis, a little awkward but after ten minutes of talking she agreed to give me her number. After that, we talked for week by texting, everyday, and I felt more and more in love. Sure, I had some great fondness for some girls before that, and even to the point that I wrote non-stop about them but, this time was different. Before it was more fantasies about falling in love, I was more in love with the idea of love than with the girls really. Here, it was real, I was in love with her and with nothing else, and to this day, I never felt the same feel with anyone. She was a tourist who spend some days here for her holidays. We eventually meet up a night, next to the beach. It was the end of august, around midnight. The beach was empty, and a full moon was lighting the sand, and her. She was here waiting. When she see me arrived she smiled, I will remenber that smile forever I think. We talked a little, flirted a little. And I finally managed to man-up and kiss her while holding her. She hold me back, very strongly also. I never felt more alive than during this moment. We talked, hugged and kissed for the rest of the night. When the sun was stood up, she tell me that she had to go, that she needed to take her train to go home. I didn't realized that she had to go home this soon, but for me it didn't matter, because I was sure that it was the women of my life, that we will see each other anyway. Right ?

Turns out we never did. The more time passed, the less she answered my messages. Until the point when she don't answer at all, despise all my desesperate attempt to meet her again. I can't even hate her for that. For her it was just a cute night of a summer, not the beginning of something else.

But it basically destroyed all my delusions. I started to feel like I was lying to myself for so long. That there was no " half " that I will meet one day.

File: Pie-XII-sur-la-sedia-gestatoria.jpg (123KB, 840x1280px) Image search: [Google]

123KB, 840x1280px

>>18637343
That all of this was lies. That no one was waiting for me, far away. That I lost all my occasions of getting laid for lies. But that wasn't even important. That was not what made me suffer the most. I didn't even care about getting laid, what's the point ? The thing that I searched the most on earth was revealing itself as a lie. And not because we live in the shitty modern world, I feeled more and more than romantic love is something that never existed outside books. Some quotes about Evola and women came back to my mind, about their fundamental attachment to the physical reality, to the material aspect of life only. I initially rejected those quotes due to my idealization of womens but now I started to accept them. Which only made things worse. Unable to trust love, unable to trust in a future revolution against the modern world, unable to even trust the validity of my caricatural distinction of the perfect past against the horrible present, conviced more and more than the things were like this basically since the beggining of time, I basically lost all my will-to-life.

It was the beggining of the uni years, and it sure began badly. I registered in a semi-prestigious generalist uni, that proposed every kind of courses, litterature, philosophy, history, latin and other things. I never went to those courses though, I spend my times like a larva in my small student flat, just went to the exams and passed them in order to have my year but it was all, spending my time on the chans and sleeping, sometimes reading but a lot less than before. It lasted six month, six month of pure neet life.

It all changed when I read Pascal though. It was the basic intruction to christian thought about life, man, God. Not just a meme attraction to "muh tradition" but a real understanding of christian themes and their meaning. It basically put me out of that hole of despair.

You sound like an existential, autistic, modern-day Don Quixote.

Holy shit nigga.
You expect me to read all that shit - written by you?

File: cq5dam.web.1280.1280.jpg (252KB, 928x1280px) Image search: [Google]

252KB, 928x1280px

>>18637344
I never was too religious, parents agnostic, and even during my edgy traditionalist period I never really interested myself to the real conceptions of christianity. I was more larping on a muh traditional society vibe than really understanding what said societies have to said about life and man. Pascal was a mind-blowner for me, because he manage to put a name, and a real name on my problems. Namely, that all human desires are infinite, because man's real need was the need of God, thus the need of absolute. That man, in all the things he seeks, always put that need of infinity, wether it is wealth, conquests, or womens, because what he really seeks is God, the absolute itself. That his heart, which is made to meet God, when he don't know that God exist, try to find infinite in other, mundane, terrestrial things. And thus, that he can only suffer from this, because the object he view as absolute isn't, and his heart can't settle for the only limitate pleasures that those things provides. It was interesting for me on a psychological level, because I understood that the way I view women was pathological for a very simple reason. I put them at the place God was suppose to take. I view them as absolute, as well as the relationship I should have with them. In other words, what I do have a name : idolatry. It still didn't imply that Christianism was right for me though, but it showed me that the core of my problem is that I used the basic human psychological function that is inscribed in human psyche, the function that serve to venerate and to love God, in the wrong way, in my love for women.

I started reading more and more christian theology and philosophy, and became more and more happy and interested. I make some friends that shared my tastes, had a lot of interesting parties and discussions. Find interest in my studies again, and started to attend regulary the courses. In the end of that year, I even had a girlfriend for a month.

File: 1475384742217.jpg (81KB, 640x427px) Image search: [Google]

81KB, 640x427px

>>18637351
I wasn't particulary in love, she neither. But I gived up on the love ideal already, I just wanted a sane life and some happiness. But it was still kind of strange. We slept in the same bed for two weeks, every night, and nothing happened. I told her I was a virgin in the beggining of our relationship, she was kind of surprised but still, she told me it was fine and it wasn't a run anyway. But I litteraly never make a move towards more. I hold her tights, kissed her, touched her a little but it was all, really. I still don't know why I didn't try to do more. The main reason, I think is what I explained in the beggining, with the duality of porn ireal sex life/real girl idolatry and asexuality. Even though I gave up the women-idolatry and understand how flawed it was, I still have the effects of nearly 7 years of romantic thoughts who negate sexuality in real life, and let it in a purely virtual, pornographic sphere. Having a real women in front of me, in my hands wasn't a call for desires. My mind was too ill from that autistic duality in order to have a normal sex life. We continued to see eachother, to hug kiss and talk for sometimes, until it was more and more cold between us. So, we decided to end the relationship there. I was 19 at that time, and given my recent lectures, I didn't hopped for the perfect love anymore but just to found a family with an adequate girl, to act morally, and even if I wasn't sure of that, to hope for the after life and to meet God. So, that little relationship ending didn't affect me really. Neither the following one, that were mostly flirt and never led to sex. Anyway, feeling myself more and more interested to christianism, and stopping considering it just for its psychological descriptions of human nature but for its potential truth, as a religion, I wasn't sure that I even wanted to have sex.I thought that given that I started to consider Christianism legit it could be coherent to keep my virginity for wedding.

File: 1471297035818.jpg (61KB, 465x750px) Image search: [Google]

61KB, 465x750px

>>18637354
But with time, doubts appereared. And I spent one year in that state of doubt, torn apart between a more and more serious interest to Christianism, and heavy doubts, a lack of faith. As much as Christianism seemed to me as a philosophical system coherent, I couldn't manage to live it with faith. I couldn't manage to pray. I couldn't manage to really BELIEVE. Which is the core of the problem. You aren't christian like you are aristotelian, you don't only agree with a set of values, with a pack of doctrines, you live those values, you live those doctrines, you try to connect yourself personnaly with God. And I never managed to do that. Thus, the situation was more and more difficult psychologically. Because I believed in doctrines but not in their source, because believing in pascalian philosophical conception of mankid doesn't make sense if you don't believe in the God that is revealed in the scriptures which are the basis of those conceptions. I had enough of this, and more time passed, more I cared less about finding truth. I just cared about finding happiness, and I just wanted to have a girlfriend and have a chill summer with her. And Guess what ? I find the cute girlfriend in question, I find the cool summer, and we chilled, drink, spent times of the beaches, kissed and it could have been perfect really. But it wasn't. It was rather catastrophic. Because we finally get to the point when we had, or rather tried, to have sex. Except I couldn't. I simply couldn't. All my hopes, my fanatical search for the girl of my life, my search for God, all of this came back to my head. And I realized that I was to the point of making love to a girl, that was also a virgin by the way, that I didn't even love.

File: 1471475040209.jpg (382KB, 881x826px) Image search: [Google]

382KB, 881x826px

>>18637357
That I've lied to. Not directly, of course. Not with words, but with my way of interacting with her, to act as if we lived something incredible while it didn't mean a lot for me. That and the fact that, as I said, I was really too used to desexualize real women, it really maked it impossible to get hard, to have any desire. Do you know the feel, for a young women, when she's about to give her virginity to someone she likes, to see that he don't have desire for her ? All the questions that could go in her mind, like " what I have did wrong ", " Am I ugly ? ", " Am I undesirable ? ". She wasn't. I was fucked up in the mind, that's all. That's basically what I've made her go through. We quickly break up, mostly because the situation was too awkward. And I can't stop thinking about that day, since one year.

What after that ? All kind of things. I've tried, without success to get closer to God. I've even spent ten days in a monastery, praying everyday. It was beautiful. The landscape, the prayers, the bells, the life, even the manual work that you do there seems to be purified by the ambient air. The monks are one of the nicest and deepest humans you can encounteer in this world. But despite all this, I still can't say that I believe. I still can't pray more than ten minutes without telling myself " come on, stop, you don't believe in this ". I'm now approaching my 22th birthday, still a virgin, still without real certitude about God and life, with the fault on the mind of having made suffer a girl, without any goal. You know what's funny ? After all those years, I've gone back to the starting point. The only thing I want now, is still adventure, going hitch-hiking in Europe, and hoping to find the perfect girl, somewhere that will welcome and love the beta-knight who travel around with his backpack. I'm 12 again, but with a lot of bad experiences in extra and without the hope that I will find what I search one day. I really don't know what to do, /adv/.

>>18637349
Thanks. I'm not even sure If I should continue fighting against the windmill tho.

>>18637350
Well, at least I hope someone will. Thanks for the bump though.

>>18637329
I'm the same age as you and don't have a story as interesting as yours to tell. I'm just a failure.

>>18637329
I read it all. Promise me one thing anon, don't ever tell this story to anyone ever. You'd benefit immensely from learning how to let your urges and instincts guide you a little more sometimes and to let your mind shut the fuck up and relax. You're this special delicate outsider virgin flower because that's what you chose to be.

Also if you want to read up on it, the thing with the women you have is called "madonna-whore complex"

>>18637406
Thanks for reading.
And I know, it's litteraly me and nobody else that chosen to act this way. Don't know what I could do to change though. Don't know how to stop intellectualize everything and just live neither.
Why do you think I should never tell anyone about it though ?

Also, yes, I know. Other people spoke about that problem in other terms, Joyce for instance, so it's really nothing new but, I feel that porn may have making that problem worse. Like allowing to tottaly virtualize sexuality and making it irreal.

>>18637396
I would rather just be happy though.

Can you summarize all your thoughts into 10 one-sentence bullet points? That would help.

>>18637442
Sorry for taking so long to respond. You chose to not hang out with people who aren't intellectual like you, but you should do it sometimes. Because that's what they have and you don't, less overthinking and intellectualization of stuff like relationships or sex. They listen to their nature. By being around these people you can learn it.

Regarding not telling this stuff to anyone. I don't mean to sound like an asshole but noone cares. Further a lot of it sounds like narcism disguised as depth