I am in a terribly shitty place and things just keep getting

This made me much more fragile. Around November my girlfriend started to become very abusive. She would threaten me, keep me away from my friends, insult my looks and hobbies.
She told me I would never ammount to anything in life because I play video games. Then she would tell me how much she loved me and needed me. She would say how much she wanted to fuck other guys (but surprisingly didn't for some reason?) I fell for it every time because I was such an emotional wreck. Eventually I did manage to snap out of it. After I left her I started talking to her again a few months later so I could get her to cheat on her new BF and tell him. She actually fucked another guy besides me before then and told me over text so I made sure to screenshot that too.

Come April, I started dating a friend I had for a while but never knew very well. It was great. Easily the best relationship I'd ever had and one of the best things to ever happen to me. She cared about me just as much as I did her. She told me things no one else did, treated me better than anyone, she was beautiful, and actually liked the same things I did. I'd never been with anyone like her. Everything was perfect up until a week ago when she suddenly asked to be alone to "think about some things." I immediately knew she was gonna leave me I just didn't know when. She still talked to me but very sporadically. Never when she said she would just randomly, and whenever I asked what was going on I get a different story every time and many of them conflicted with each other. She kept mentioning something happening with her family that she couldn't talk about. Not didn't want to, couldn't. I still don't know what it is or if it exists. Yesterday, she told me that when she asked to be alone it's because when she woke up that morning she didn't love me anymore. Just one day no more love.

(2/4)

The day before she asked to be alone, I got fired from my job. I had been applying to every place I could for 3 years, sometimes twice with different names and this was the only place to ever even offer me anything and they fired me in a month. (The place was a mess that abused all the workers but that's irrelevant) The day before she broke up with me, I failed my driving test for the 2nd time because the instructor was completely oblivious to my actions. She lied about what I did and didn't do because she wasn't even watching me. Now my father is back and making sure to make me feel as bad as he can about everything I do.

I have bad confidence issues. I hate just about everything about myself because I only have a handful of friends and the ones I usually do have back stab me all the time. My whole life I have always felt like the extra, unimportant backup. Like nothing I say or do matters to anyone and if I died no one would ever notice. My friends have been much less than supportive. Every girl I dated was just me settling. I didn't think I deserved or could get a girl like me to love me. Absolutely all of this changed with her. I got over all my self destructive bullshit, put my mind to it and I got her to fall in love with me. I felt like I belonged somewhere. Like I finally had a place I should be. Now she's gone and I don't even know why.

(3/4)

Now I'm sitting here, no girl, few friends, no job, no car, no money, no direction. I tried talking to some old girls I used to talk to and I was disgusted with myself. My interest in them was completely superficial. They could not be more different from me. I cannot believe the shit I used to put up with just to get some stale expired flavor of love. And I don't have high standards, I had just never had someone similar to me as a person like me in any way. I'm a nerd who plays video games, watches anime, and takes computers apart for fun. I'm not going to college this year since I have no clue what I want to do in life. I don't know how to meet new friends or girls, and I don't even have any transportation to such things. I'm appalled at the basic, generic thots that plague apps like Tinder, OKcupid, Bumble, and whatever else I used to use. All of their descriptions and pictures are the same. I don't want to adventure or vibe with them, I don't want to fucking smoke get drunk and hear about how you love your dog more than any man.

I don't even know what kind of replies I want from this or what I think it'll do. Maybe I just need to vent somewhere since no one else wants to listen. I never realized until writing this how much of a non-stop assault of shit I have had to deal with. Please, /adv/, how do I break free of this monotony? How do I get myself out there and find where I'm supposed to be?

(4/4)

>>18636523
Jesus guy, I'm sorry to hear all this. The most urgent thing imo is to get out of your current living situation. Keep looking for any kind of employment and get away from your parents and your moms baggage.

>>18636565
Funny enough this was actually my plan with the GF. Her family is extremely abusive, miles more than mine and we planned on living together as soon as she got done with school. (She had 1 semester left)

Well first thing I'd work on is the lack of self respect. I once didn't have enough and drove myself down a path where I nearly killed myself.

This lack is only negative and shall bring no joy. It will slowly tear away your existence.

Just gonna post this and further write a reply so you know someone is here ATM

A decent way I find to gain self respect is to take pride in things you do. Maybe some hobbies would help: like fit, the arts, reading, or bushcraft.

So find something you want to do that seems fun and you can make friends with...most of us who go fishing or outside are easy to be friends with.


However, given your situation, if probably leave town with as much as I can bring. Go somewhere kinda like Fredericksburg va or some other town where it is a mix of city and rural. South overall is a nice place to live.

If you live outside the USA, idk, you know your country better than I, you should be able to find somewhere to go.
Also, you might end up in retail or somewhere shit without a skill. Computers might help a lot if you can find something for that (I wouldn't go rural or full city, but a mix in that case). Just go to work, don't lash out, just smile and move on....I've nearly been killed and heavily injured due to some, but I dodge it or luck out. The customers either go on or come back to yell at me. Just keep going at this point. There may be a need for jobs in infrastructure, maintenance, or police, so those aren't bad bets to try.

>>18636595
The self hatred is really weird for me. I don't know if this is how it works for others with the issue, but I hate myself because of what others think of me. I see no issue being the way I am but because so many people dislike me coupled with the fact that I care so much about what others think of me, I hate what I am and wanna be different so they like me. And it's not just for girls either but regular friends too. I don't want to change but I feel like I have to but I can't cuz I'm me and no one else. I'm like halfway in half out and in a vortex of pain.

>>18636624
Satoshi Kanazawa's savannah principle could explain why humans want to be accepted by others, rather than expelled or lambasted. Mainly, to not be a part of the group is death to an extent, as a result, this triggers bad feels. (Audio book on "the intelligence paradox" is on YouTube. Give it a listen). However this is just a small idea on possibly why.

As for change, don't force it on to yourself. It comes with time and how you respond. This is just another shitty part to life. In sum, I meant for you to find other hobbies and try to make new friends that way.

You don't have as much control over who you are as new experiences may result in different reasonings in life. So just kinda go with the flow (not drugs, just kicking the can down the road before it gets kicked again).

What I'm seeing is part of you wants to be accepted, therefore I'd find a new hobby or two and try to talk to people if you can. Common interests might lead to good friends.

>>18636678
I wanna know how to make friends with the hobbies I do have though. Or even new ones. I don't have a job and I'm not gonna be going to school for a while. Where do I meet people? Is it even possible unless my hobby directly requires others to enjoy?

>>18636726
Making friends op is something that you stumble upon, but can't be forced.
It took anon many years to find friends that have things in common.
I met my friends through my job, but any social events are fine too.
You just have to be yourself, usually I meet people through another friend.

>>18636523

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKkazr8M-n4

>>18636759
I liked that.