Mixed Feelings

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>>18630889
Make peace with her, OP. From the information you provide it's clear she was far from perfect. I think the fact that you're even having this inner turmoil speaks a lot to your character. A lot of people would have shut their mother out and wouldn't have cared how she spent her last days. I think you know it's the right thing to do. The last thing you want is for this to haunt you for the rest of your life if you choose to not see her. I wish you the best.

>>18630889
Know how you feel OP. If you can make peace before she dies do. Soon she won't be able to hurt you anymore, though if she didn't die she would. Dying a slow painful death gotta be hell.

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>>18630916
I'm thinking I'm going to go see her, yeah.
At the very least, I owe it to who she used to be and it would no doubt haunt me.

I tried to shut her out and not care, because that would've been easier on me, but I just can't.
Before she goes, I want to tell her that I forgive her and I love her.

And oddly enough I really mean it. I've carried the burden of what was done to me my entire life since then, and I've been bitter about it but I just can't bring myself to be angry anymore

>>18630923
>if she didn't die she would.
My mom has always been incredibly childish so that's true

It's so sad how some people have to be on deaths door to get a wake up call, often too late

>>18630889
anon what would she have done if you were on a death bed?

>>18630959
I'm glad you found peace and were able to forgive, OP.

I'll leave you with a fable that seems semi-related

"A hound who had served his master well for years, and had run down many a quarry in his time, began to lose his strength and speed owing to age. One day, when out hunting, his master started a powerful wild boar and set the hound at him. The latter seized the beast by the ear, but his teeth were gone and he could not retain his hold; so the boar escaped. His master began to scold him severely, but the hound interrupted him with these words, 'My will is as strong as ever, master, but my body is old and feeble. You ought to honor me for what I have been instead of abusing me for what I am."

>>18630986
the fable is nice and all but she left him be abused and that could have ruined his whole life
OP leave her to die

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>>18630986
Thanks, anon, I know everyone in this thread is a stranger but it really helps talking to somebody.

>>18631000
Let's say the dog got mental problems and would bite his owner as he got older without fully understanding/knowing what he was doing?
Fits a bit more now

Like I mentioned I tried to hate her but I can't any more
And the abuse I underwent definitely fucked me up, it's what destroyed my relationship with my mom to begin with

I'd worked it up in my head that I didn't care if she lived or died but now that she's dying I feel guilty for ever thinking that

>>18631047
Do you think she deserves it OP?

>>18631047

nice kitteh

My best friend molested and abused me for most of my adolescence. I'm not gay. I can't talk to anyone about this.

>>18630889
I'd recommend an understanding, humanist approach that requires you to understand your own nature, but also hers.

We have biological conditioning to love our parents even if they're shitty. And nobody likes seeing a person die or suffer anyway.

With this in mind, obviously your conflicted emotions are understandable. You feel like you should invalidate those feelings but they are valid.

Your mum did a shit job, but she is not beyond your love and it is beautiful that your heart still has warmth for her. She is a human like you, and whether it be her own mistakes or misfortune, it seems time has changed her into something else, but somewhere inside still exists part of the innocent.

It's likely that she'll still be shitty when you see her, if not even moreso. But you have to be a man and ignore it and just be there for her and for yourself.

I could go on but it's late, but I hope things end on a positive note. Pray for your mother and father, and I will pray for you both.

>>18631100
why didn't you resist him?

>>18631110
>>18631100

Yeah that sounds like a strange scenario. Don't judge yourself though and don't feel like you need to question or justify your heterosexuality either. Hope you're OK bro

>>18631110
>>18631120

Well, I did go to a therapist briefly. Make fun of me all you want but I kinda froze up and sorted blocked those moments out of my head. She told me that a lot of victims are either "Flight of fight". I seemed to be flight. It's retarded. We never talked about it and I honestly thought nothing he did was weird but it affected me deeply at the time. It's not that I'm questioning my heterosexuality it's just that every time I've told someone including the therapist their first response was to ask me if I was gay.

>>18631149
I think that's because a lot of people end up gay for a while maybe 5-10 years after childhood abuse. I don't think 'gay' is something which is part of your identity, but rather a state of being as a result of some sort of difficulty like yours.

So in a way for many people it's a premature instinct to address an issue that may not actually be there (eg. They want to help you if you are experiencing any concerns of that nature).

So was your friend malicious about it? Maybe he didn't even know what he was doing. Did he get in trouble eventually or address it at all?

>>18631149
so you were neutral about someone touching you in weird places?

>>18631168

Yeah I know a lot of people who get abused normally tend to turn out gay. yes he was very malicious at the time. He would often joke about it. He was very manipulative. I'm not that smart, at least back then I wasn't. He always had control over me. Made me feel worthless, made me happy. I didn't really have any other friends. He's apologised for it and I do know that he's genuine about it. Still, what's done is done and he can't ever change that. He never got in trouble for it. I really wouldn't ever want to press charges because of the whole issue being blown the fuck up. My whole family doesn't know about it except for my sister. He's friends with my friends, it would just be messy.

>>18631169

No, it felt very uncomfortable. I still shutter when it comes up in my mind. sometimes he would hit me if I wasn't compliant with him. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was lost and I just wanted a friend.

>>18631175

Wow. Not sure how I feel about you still being in contact with the person. On one hand it can be a constant reminder but on the other maybe him apologising and things stabilising is the best form of healing that many people dont ever have the chance for

>>18631176
Okay yeah that's pretty fucked he sounds like a psychopath.

>>18631178

I don't want to talk about it with him ever. I understand that he's deeply ashamed of what he did. Discussing it would have no benefit for me.

>>18631182

Ironically he always calls people sociopaths.

>>18631201
i think you might be the psychopath because you kinda molested yourself in a way by not resisting

>>18630889

She sounds like a horrible human being but I would still make peace before she checks out.

As for mixed feelings in general, at that point you have to divorce your mind from logic because you've come to the conclusion there is an equal amount of bad as their is good in a person, so just go with what you feel is right.

>>18631228
If I ever get molested I'm coming straight here for the funny comments

>>18631228

lmao, thanks man. gave me a smile.