my mental health is a mess and ruining my life

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I am a wreck, due to some events that happened
>i have no trust in women and despise them
>still love them sexually
>long for the feeling of a true platonic love.
>long for the feeling of not being a disappointment to your parents.
>long for someone who would fill this emotional need. picture this like wanting to feel safe in the arms of someone, forget the worries of the world and just cry while they hug me.
>i'm now a degenerate bisexual. longing as well for some one stronger than me to take care of me.
>whenever i speak to someone about who i am, it is use against me and what i am becomes the butt of every joke. this is unrelated to my sexuality
>have grown a great distrust in people since everytime i'm open about something, i dig myself into a deeper hell
>i've developped some kind of barrier that doesn't allow me to study or read anything at all related to a curriculem that i have to study for. basically always drop it for literally even just watching the ceiling.
>love to program draw,and alll other hobbies but i always end up never doing anything.
>in a foreign land with no one that wants to be my friend. and i took a bad habit where i latch on to the first person that i see open up to me.
>i'm missing the role of a proper father and mother figure, even though my father always does his best to support me but i always, always disappoint him, whereas he is giving to a fault where he allows my mother to be a childish idiot no matter how much she destroys our family


theres much much more. i need help. i don't know what kind of help.