Getting Married; everything I've told her is a lie

>>18622275
>Should I tell her, /adv/? Is this something she needs to know or should I continue into this marriage like this?

No wonder divorce rates are so high if idiots like you get married

>>18622275
Yeah. Tell her now. You'd be crazy to get married with something like this hanging over your head. Even if you don't care about being honest or straightforward with the person you love, you have to understand that she will DEMOLISH you in court when she finds out and divorces you.

If she finds out your marriage will blow up, explosively. I don't know what happened to you or if you feel it's critical to keep your identity private. Perhaps if you tell her and you have fight maybe she would contact the people you left behind to hurt you? I don't know your life story so it's hard to judge.

>>18622278
>>18622284
I ran away nearly thirteen years ago. I never thought I would get married.

>>18622278
Maybe he was sexually abused or something, you don't know, stfu

>>18622293
Why did you run away? Hopefully it's a good reason and she will understand.

It was physical, and sexual when I was younger. She's asked about the scars and such, but I haven't told her where they are from. I just told her I had a work accident, the burn scar covers from ankle to knee. I also lost an eye.

Yeah, you should definitely talk about it because that shit WILL result in divorce if found out later, and it probably will because lies like that will be very difficult to maintain your whole damn life.
If you talk about it now, you might be able to work it out since you're coming clean yourself and before she makes any big life plunges. If she loves ya, she'll probably at least hear you out. Because if she's ready to marry you without having ever met your family, she probably understands that you aren't tight with them. The name change shit is also something she deserves to know, because it can possibly affect your finances and other legal shit. You know how you have to give any "past names" on a lot of legal forms? She'll probably see that eventually and ask what gives.

>>18622294
Long way from tumblr there friend.

>>18622275
My G you gotta be straight with your woman. What if she was hiding something, you would have the right to know and she does too

>>18622305
See, I was correct. You repugnant worm.

>>18622302
>The name change shit is also something she deserves to know, because it can possibly affect your finances and other legal shit. You know how you have to give any "past names" on a lot of legal forms? She'll probably see that eventually and ask what gives.

I've seen forms that ask, but I never provide it. I never had any credit or accounts under my other name.

>>18622301
> work accident
>scar covers from ankle to knee
>lost an eye

What the fuck does she think you do for work that you would get this fucked up?

OP, if you trust that she respects you and is mentally sound enough that she would never strike low enough to expose you, you should tell her the whole truth. If she loves you she will be horrified by the actions of your family and support you.

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>>18622275
>I'm getting married, but everything I've told my girlfriend is a lie. I lied to her about where I'm from, my family, everything.

>I changed my full name to something completely different years ago and ran far, far away from my family. She doesn't know any of this about me.
Seems like a great idea and certainly not something that will end up eating you up from the inside out.

>>18622317
I used to be a dock builder. I told her I slipped up with a torch.

I told her I lost my eye due to the horses-tail in cable.

I guess I should tell her. I have no idea how she'll react.. I take good care of her, and she says she loves me, but it's always been so hard being close to people, I worry she'll leave, but at the same time I don't want to delay this and have it come out fifteen years later, or when I die and my death-certificate shows my place of birth.

>>18622314
Some demand it though, and also you should consider though rare, someone could steal your old identity and it'll come back to you.
*Also just be careful about not disclosing that information when asked, if they discover you did have a past identity it could annul that document or get you in legal trouble. Always ask if you are legally obligated to disclose that info when it's asked of you.
Like I do know there are some situations where it is illegal for a woman to not disclose her maiden name after she's been married, usually this is for situations regarding a background check and things like that though. I would assume the same applies to anyone who has changed their name.

Regardless my opinion stands, if you want to have any good relationship with this woman, you need to have the trust. You cannot be lying to her and expect your relationship to last or be strong. Just explain yourself honestly, if you had a traumatic experience she'd likely understand why you did what you did. Whether or not she can forgive it is unknown, that's entirely on her, but she'll probably understand your intent was not malicious.

>>18622317
If you have a factory job or something similar, this isn't too much of a stretch. Uncle lost an arm when the car they were building dropped on him or something. Shits dangerous.

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>>18622313
>You repugnant worm.
I always forget people like you actually exist kek

>>18622336
Tell her and post results
I'm genuinely curious how she'll react.
Sorry for your past.

>>18622313
kek I mean I was sexually assaulted too and even I know you can't just lie to someone you supposedly love your whole life about it.
Sounds like OP needed more therapy because his coping mechanism of lying and running isn't very healthy.

>>18622354
> lying and running
you're right. that's exactly what I've been doing. I've been justifying it by this belief that it's to protect myself, and that really it's non of her business, but she's about to be my wife.

Should I tell her tonight?

>>18622362
Frankly, I don't think you need to.
Your function is to help, love and protect her.
As soon as you enter the domain of the past, you expose a lot of things that aren't going to help.
You can't expect to form a deep emotional bond with women.
You probably don't even know all of her past. Everyone hides things. It's more important to make memories together than recall them together.

>>18622275
My vote is tell her now. I'm not a moralfag or anything. Lying is fine, but in this type of case, you should tell her.

Start with the story of the abuse. Tell her that's why you never talk about your family. That she will be sympathetic about. Tell her about the burns. Tell her about the eye. The last thing is to tell her about the changed name.

The changed name is tricky - it is more of a deception to say that you are someone else. Even if you aren't. She will battle with that. Maybe don't say you changed your name, say you had another name once, in the bad time.

>>18622372
you're right. Perhaps I shouldn't tell her.

Honesty is the best policy. You're doing a diservice with all this lying and scheming.

>>18622378
Only tell her if you think she is capable of handling it, and by exposing it you will not use it as an excuse for future problems to come (you are dissociated with it now) & you will not be emotionally manipulated if she knows.

>>18622362
I mean, you're intending to spend your life with this woman, are you not? And you can only keep something this massive locked up for so long before it drives you insane. Tell her.

>>18622372
>Everyone hides things
Sure, everyone lies about the little things, like number of sexual partners and the like. But the fact that your entire identity is a complete fabrication is pretty fucking far from a common occurence. It's the kind of thing that genuinely defines you as a person, and shouldn't be hidden from the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

>You can't expect to form a deep emotional bond with women.
You sure as fuck can. Despite what 4chan will tell you, not all women are soulless dicksucking machines.

>>18622393
>You sure as fuck can
There's a difference between creating and maintaining. If you expect someone that should be a child to you to hold your heart, you will only be disappointed.

>>18622275
Tell her before you get married

Marriage should mean there is no longer any secrets or mysteries between you

Don't be afraid, she might be honored that you would open up to her like that

>>18622398

What was her name, Anon?

>>18622378
You should tell her simply because that's A FUCKING LOT she doesn't know about you. Basic morals aside, building something meaningful on a lie is extremely stupid and almost never ends well. It's very egoistic of you not to tell her, because of course this way you won't have to face your past, face her reaction... It's a cowards way, anon. I would understand not telling her something minor about your past, but that shit you're about to hide? It's heavy. She deserves to know.

>>18622378
Op don't listen to that faggot, lies do not make lasting relationships. You know that dudes a jaded r9k faggot with zero experience in love when he claims you cannot ever form a emotional bond with women.

>>18622372
But if OP doesn't tell her he's going to keep thinking about it, it will keep popping up in her head

If she already knows then he can allow these thoughts to pass without worry

>>18622402
I've never loved. It's being witness to the capabilities of women.
All that matters is whether or not they respect you and will be willing to improve for you.
It's horrid to impose on something you can love. It's akin to taking a rose and slicing it's petals, in hopes that it'll better hold water.
It's fine if you think I'm misguided. I just believe in something different.
>>18622412
That's the cross he'll have to carry. It's about whether he's strong enough to move on from it - which, from what it seems, he has. If he does reveal it - I don't know the depth of the past, but be assured the story will assault his fiancée's mind with much more severity.

>>18622422
Except that it doesn't seem that he has, considering he is conflicted enough to ask us about it

Your bond will be stronger if you tell her and she accepts you.

If she does not accept you then she would not have been a great life partner and you'll be better off without her so you can find someone who will accept you.

It's a win-win.

Yes, please tell her. Also emphasize how trauma makes it uncomfortable to speak of it, so that us why you lied. Promise her from that day forward you will have 100% transparency between each other.

I think she will likely understand and forgive, and likely sympathize with you. I mean losing ab eye from domestic abuse? Fuck man, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

>>18622424
Well, it's an ethical dilemma that afflicts him, not the details of the past. At least I would hope.
She has as much right as OP may allow, is my belief.
>>18622428
The bond may choke him and her out in the end.

>>18622431
Considering you've never loved before you're in a poor position to make this prediction

>>18622436
Love is to do what you're willing to preserve those you love. Telling is not preserving, is it? It seems selfish.

>>18622443
>Love is to do what you're willing to preserve those you love.

No, it isn't. Love isn't about protection, love is about allowing someone else to become a part of who you are. It cannot occur when you shut someone out.

>>18622457
I can't see how love qualifies as that.
It's definition is a deep affection for someone. An affection so deep you want them to be a part of you? That still seems selfish.
I thought love was giving priority to them, not having them mesh into your life.

>>18622478
And you can give priority to them by respecting them enough to not lie to them or keep secrets.

>>18622478
And frankly, it's still possible for that to happen. She will become his wife. That is more than enough.

>>18622483
So we've boiled it down to respect vs care.
Is it more proper to respect them, or to care for them?
I suppose they're both selfish then. I only see respecting them as more selfish for it's digging up things that do not need to be dug up. Things entirely about you.
From my understanding of the dynamics of old age, the respect you maintain only branches out to certain skills or abilities. You respect her nurturing qualities, but you do not need to respect everything about her. Generally, the man is the one that holds on the emotional burdens for both. To be stoic, yet sensitive.

>>18622489
To better phrase it, you do not need to expect everything from her, only certain things. He should be more capable in this department than her. This also appeals to an idea of becoming a unit - delegating tasks.

>>18622275
I understand completely why you have done what you did. I am planning to run from my family and change my name, for different reasons, but I do understand.

It will be very very difficult but I do think it's best to tell her. You don't have to go into incredible detail. Explain how much you have gone through and how hard it is to speak of. If she loves you she will understand.

Good luck.

>>18622278
This

Honestly OP, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Call off the marriage immediately and tell her the truth, she may even give you a second chance

>>18622508
Go fuck yourself.
t. notOP

OP Here. I've listened to both sides, and I appreciate you guys arguing out the pro's and cons. This was a cross I chose to bear when I changed my name. It's been so many years, I often forget that I used to have another name.

I need about an hour or so to think about it.. I'm leaning towards telling her. If she leaves, I didn't need her. I had a girlfriend who found out once because she cracked open my safety box while I was at work (my court document was in there). She went crazy, started finding my family on facebook for "answers", and they told her all this bullshit and she eventually just left and told everybody she could about what I had done, etc. After that, I started being alot more careful about it and have been very vague about anything past related.

I just worry this will happen again. I don't think she would, but I'm just so distrustful of women. I've always just given them what they need, attention, care, love, and affection. I've never been much about myself, and I've never opened that door to share that with anybody because it's nobody's business but mine. I need to think on this.

>>18622567
It will be different with her because you'll be telling her rather than her discovering it.

And if you don't tell her there will always be the first of her finding out and flipping out like your ex did.

Better to get that out of the way before half your shit and a chunk of your income is on the line via divorce

>>18622567
Anon, her finding accidentally about something so important would be much better than hearing it from you. I'm really very surprised you got this far while being obviously very vague about your past. The fact that she wasn't trying to find out anything about your past and just went with you telling her as little as you wanted just shows how much she trusts you. It would be unfair not to tell her.

>I've never opened that door to share that with anybody because it's nobody's business but mine
You are wrong here... When you get married, important things that can affect the marriage are common "goods". Sure, couples keep little secrets from each other. Your secret is not little, and she can't make an honest and informed decision to marry you without knowing this. Do you really dupe her into marrying a person she doesn't really know? Would you be okay if she turned out to be someone with complicated past?

>>18622581
This. Anyone who would snoop around in your safety box like that was untrustworthy in the first place, and not to mention, they didn't trust you either.

It doesn't sound your potential wife is like this.

I'm such a Coward. I don't think I can do it guys. It's just not in me to do something like this.

>>18622734
Pathetic. You don't deserve her, and you are basically catfishing her. But it's okay, life works it's way - she will find out the truth on her own at some point and leave you without turning back.

>>18622734
then keep living your lie, but that means you have to let your past behind 100%. meaning that you need to act like it never happened, not feel guilty about lying and getting over every single bad and good thing that happened during your past. can you do that?, im telling you thats almost impossible but if your new life is that important then go ahead, you gonna have to get both psychological and spiritual help to do so.

>>18622293
it's not about you running away, it's about you not telling her
if you want to get married, you're basically giving up on 'you' and exchange it for 'us'
and that's not even something negative, it's just that your (singular) life is now your (plural) life
why would you not tell her anyway? she is supposed to be the person you can trust with everything, and if you can not, ask yourself why you want to marry her

You should tell her. Make a point of the fact that you're telling her because of who she is. Because you love her enough to not hide anything from her, because she's the only one you can share this traumatic experience with. I think if you go about it in the right way you two will end up with a far deeper and closer bond with each other. Remember, you didn't change your life because of something you did wrong, so it's not really something shameful. She'll probably feel sympathetic, if anything.

>>18622567
>but I'm just so distrustful of women
maybe you shouldn't be marrying one then

>>18622336

Or, even worse, all of it bubbles up to the surface one particularly stressful day and you have a massive freakout.

Let's drop the emotion shit and be logical, here.

Over time, the risk that she finds out increases.

Over time, the risk that you'll break down also increases. What are you, probably 35 tears old at the most? You've got another 30-60+ years to go.

If she is the kind of person who would freak out and go nuts after finding out, you also want to do that BEFORE you are legally bound and you owe her alimony and/or child support. You sure as hell aren't going to win custody with that kind of background.

Ergo, tell her.

Block out a whole weekend, start on Friday evening with something nice - a little date or something. Tell her everything.

you needn't tell her your old name, just that you fell out with your family over whatever reason and have cut them off, to the point of changing your name, and that you're now intent on making a new life, with her in it, and want nothing to do with the past. either she accepts that - and she will if she loves you for who you are - or she doesn't, either because she has some b/s notions about getting in touch with your family to make things better, or because she's a suspicious psycho like the other one, in which case you dump and walk.
>job done.