whenever my husband and i don't agree on something, he panics.

how long did you know him before marrying?

>>18618031
>marrying a pussy
wew lass

>>18618062
5 years, 2 of which we dated an one of which we were engaged. why?
obviously we didn't disagree on anything befroe we started dating, actually, not until we moved in together (one year before marriage). i didn't really notice this behaviour until lately. might be that he always kind of did it, but it never actually was that obvious. it's not unbearable, but definitely annoying and unnecessary.

>>18618067
if you get to know people good enough, then you can find a pussy spot in almost all of them.

>>18618031
mommy kiss it an make it all better

>>18618104
i don't think so...

Get an abortion and divorce.

>>18618148
i never heard about that technique, where you can abort children that are already born.

also, nice technique you have there. do you always just walk away when things get even a tad rougher than "unicorns and rainbows"? how has that worked out for you so far?

>>18618107
That is the game he is playing OP and it works. Imagine he used the same tactic as a boy.

>>18618188
i am aware of the game he's playing. my question is how do i deal with this. so far i just don't mommy him, but maybe there's a better tactic.

>>18618164
I'm with you here. Too much divorce and broken promoses in our society because of overinflated egos. Your husband is worth working with. Not sure how to help you specifically but I can say that I support you trying to find a constructive solution.

Maybe if you did the same thing to him over something else he might start to get why it is so pathetic of him to do that.

>>18618164
It's your body, OP!! Your body, your choice!!!!!! And it's 2017!!! You go girl!! You can kill your children if you want to!!

>>18618192
You stop comforting him. Doesn't sound like the disagreements you guys have are serious enough for any reasonable adult to expect the marriage to end and him pulling that out should be dismissed as such. Stop taking the bait.

>>18618031
why would you need a 7 seater car if you only have two children?

>>18618031
>want him to voice his opinion
>doesnt give realistic objections but instead objections that agree with your pov
Maybe he just doesnt want his kid sleeping in his bed so he doesnt grow up to be a pussy.
Maybe 7 seated cars are fucking soccer mom cars and he doesnt want them.
It sounds like he just doesnt want you to know that he is a red meated republican and you are a snowflake democrat which would end your relationship half the time.
Im just twisting this story to give you an idea of how to look at things from a different point of view.

>>18618203
i'm not taking it but he keeps doing it and accusing me of not "supporting him when he needs me".

>>18618196
i think doing the same to him would be rather immature. i can see why you think it might work, but if he doesn't realize what he's doing when i confront him directly, i don't think he would "get the message" if i also wrap it.

>>18618212
because we also have a dog and we actually do use the space for the buggy and anything else that needs to fit in like weekly groceries or lugage when going on vacation. plus my sister has no car and when we want to do something together then it's simply a lot easier when we all fit into one car. it wouldn't even cost more. so i don't see why not.

>>18618212
Its not about the seats but the ease of access and storage of all the kid and baby stuff.

>>18618230
>accusing me
Also part of the same tactic and you need to tough love him and ignore and go on about your everyday. Hold firm his mother always caved in, you'll need the practice with the little ones you have.

>>18618225
i am able to look at things from his perspective and he knows from past experiences that i am very willing to change my mind if he can give me an actual argument. if he is so afraid of showing me his real thought patterns, then he needs to do some growing up. i can't read his houghts and i am also not willing to even try it. if i did then he could start blamomg me for "makig assumptions". he's a grown up man and he CAN learn to say what he means and not hide behind overused phrases.

>>18618231
Why would this be a problem ? , just get whatever is easiest to use not that complicated , he probably just wants to to decide since you are the primary care giver

>>18618239
obviously. but "understanding his methods" and not repeating the same mistakes his mom did with out own kids won't help me deal with HIM.
i've never really gave in to his demands and he still does it. it must have been half a year now. i need a better method than "ignore it", "don't give in to it" or "confront him"

>>18618230
maybe he just has a lot emotion piled up in him and doesn't want to share it?

>>18618241
>actual arguments
Those are the words of a stubborn person who doesnt want to admit that every conflict will be an argument.
Im the same way.
This means you dismiss other peoples opinions because they arent "actual arguments" in your opinion and now he just doesnt want to deal with it anymore.

>>18618243
then why is it so hard for him to say just that? do i need to assume and guess all the time? why can't he simply spell out what his thoughts behind his opinions are?

>>18618072

not true just self perpetuating bullshit from the weak

>>18618248
and piling on more will help with that? i'm not saying it's not true, but if it is then he seriously needs to stop with this shit because it's going to end in a disaster if he piles up more and more for decades.

>>18618031

My honest opinion is that you're uncovering a very prevalent truth in modern men.

They portray whatever image of masculinity will get you in the sack, but beyond that it's pure co-dependence. They fear being alone and they fear being better than you so they will exude all their insecurities onto you until the relationship has eroded.

>>18618250
so "i don't know" is a valid argument for you and you would make decisions on how to raise your kids based on that?

>>18618253
sure, but have you ever met a person that was without fault? one that you actually spent a lot of time with and got to know very good?

>>18618251
Men are creatures who fear being alone and some men are afraid to even slightly argue or even talk about anything serious with their spouse for fear of losing them , just tell him what your getting and if he has any other ideas just come to you if he dosent problem solved if he does well he will probably tell you

>>18618258
>sure, but have you ever met a person that was without fault?


fault is a completely different subject my man

>>18618256
my opinion is that that's what a big part of humans do, no matter the gender. they display a very well thought trough mask of themselves and once you get closer to them (and yes, that might take years), it starts to crumble. nothing really surprising, but it's still not easy to deal with. especially if they simply refuse to work on the issue.

>>18618264

Fair enough

>>18618031
how does it go when you try to talk him about him not voicing his opinions?

>>18618258
Reverse that. Im the "valid argument" guy. After a while most girls will default to that "i dont know" answer. Most likely you are a bitch to deal with and its smarter to just say "whatever you want" because really its going to go your way regardless of what he says. Why draw out a horrible fight when you can just roll over?
It takes one to know one and I got a lot better after couples therapy.

>>18618031
so thankfully OP nothing you said sounds marriage ending, like you said, just kinda annoying.

It sounds like your husband is just particularly conflict adverse (which is not all bad), but I can imagine being in that situation where someone really wants my "honest opinion" and when you give it they're 'not upset' but they're really upset. After recognizing this pattern it often feels safer to crawl out the window...

Usually this is gendered flips, but there's this trope that you have to create safe spaces where people can express themselves, my gut says your husband is freaked out by potential conflict and is trying to avoid that.

The other side of it is he's a dude, and a lot of things dudes are not picky about or don't have strong opinions as long as everyone else is happy. In those cases you should just politely do as you please. ex. "I think we should go for the 7 door because of the dog and groceries." if he doesn't say anything you gave him a chance to be part of the decision process and you should just do what you think is best.

not to degrade my own gender, but alot of the time we're on par with dogs, food, shelter, sex, check, beyond that an occasional belly rubs and video games is enough.

>>18618259
that's not "men", that's "insecure peopel".
i get what you're saying, but is it a legitimate approach to trying to have a life long relationship? just never say anything and hope it goes away on it's own? to me that sounds like a vulcano preparing to erupt. imm not going to sleep on a vulcano that's active in the hidden...

>>18618260
without issues, then. doesn't really matter how you want to name it. a completely sane and mature person? i know i haven't.

>>18618267
he completely blocks and goes into "if you loved me you would be here for me when i'm feeling like shit" and "do you really love me? why do you love me?" - mode. which is exhausting. he knows i love him. my actions show it and i also tell him. there's nothing i could do to make him believe me that i DO love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. for gods sake, i MARRIED him and we have two kids. he just has a very damaged sense of self worth and can't accept that anyone would actually be able to love him. but that's not something i can change. and he refuses to even take a look at the root of this whole issue. he just blames me and tries to hide behind drama.
i would need him to be able to stabilize himself more because i need my stabilizing resources for myself and the kids... ofc i will always support him. but right now he needs inhuman amounts of support for no reason despite not being willing to work on himself.

>>18618282

all you guys coming in here and rebranding what i've already said is starting to piss me off

He's co-dependent, meaning he can't handle anything that puts the relationship at risk so he breaks down to his true nature to try and seek radical sympathy from his wife who has no idea what is going on in his head

>>18618289
Basically how all successful marriages work the man works the women does everything else lul

>>18618289
>"if you loved me you would be here for me when i'm feeling like shit"


co dependence. feels unequal, feels like you're better than him and that he'd never get someone like you again, so he resents turbulence

>>18618297

issues of self worth, usually reconciled with personal accomplishment

>>18618277
i know you're on the "valid argument" side.
we don't have horrible fights. we actually don't fight at all. we don't scream or call each other names. i simply brig up a subject we would need to talk about (or HE does) and we talk about it. if we agree on the aolution then it's all good. when we don't, then this whole process starts. out of the blue. in the middle of the civilized conversation.
as i said, when he CAN voice i
his own opinion, it has led to us going with his version often. it's not that i shut his arguments down and "do what i want anyways". but i can't do anything else than what i thought was right if he doesn't even work with me to find a solution and just hides behing being a drama queen until i simply have to make a decision since it's urgent. for example:

topic: how often should we let our son sleep in out bed

my opinion: when he's sick or had a bad dream

his opinion: i don't know

situation: son has a fever

solution: i let him sleep in our bed because he never gave me anything to work with that has any substance to it

>>18618291
i know what is going on in his head... i know he's insecure and co-dependent. my question isn't what's going on, it's how to deal with what is going on in everyday life.

>>18618289

>he completely blocks and goes into "if you loved me you would be here for me when i'm feeling like shit" and "do you really love me? why do you love me?"

sounds like you need a lot persistence and you need to ease into the subject. hasn't he ever told you about his sense of self worth or why it has been that low? how come you have been married and this has never come up?

>>18618305

i think you're learning how to deal with it by recognizing the truth of his personality. That's what a marriage is all about, teamwork, not one person always getting their way

>>18618305
well at least you know he won't organise orgies behind your back, so I guess thats a plus

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*cough cough*
get a divorce
*cough cough*

>>18618307
we've talked about it a lot but i honestly have no clue where it comes from. he had a picture perfect childhood. his mom was a bit on the protective side, but come on... others get over trauma and can be functional adults.

and i also think that it doesn't really matter THAT much, where it comes from. it matters much more that you learn how to deal with it here and now.

>>18618302
OP, you are really going to have your hands full so if I were you make a decision and ask for forgiveness later. Not the big ticket shit but if he says I don't know take it as your decision to make. Next

>>18618309
so your solution ia just "accept it"? how should we run a functional family like that? it's not like therapy doesn't exist...

>>18618312
Nowadays it's the women that do that.

>>18618318
>so your solution ia just "accept it"?

no, just "work on it"

why would it be so black and white with you? that you either get your way or you dont..

what about the concept of hard work?

>>18618316
i don't see why it should be my job to make all the decisions. i don't want to and it's not what i want for him. that's not why i married. that's not how i plan to raise our kids. just make a decision and then also ask for forgivenes because he's not able to voice his opinion? i want someone on my side who gives me actual feedback and helps me find solutions and make decisions together. is this asking for too much?

>>18618321
i can't work on HIS self worth. that's his responsibility...

the whole point is that i don't want it to "go my way". but if he doesn't give me an alternative, then what am i supposed to do? some decisions simply can't wait forever.


yeah, what about it?

>>18618329
> i want someone on my side who gives me actual feedback and helps me find solutions and make decisions together. is this asking for too much?

Yes after you marry someone to want something they aren't is technically asking too much but it's pretty common.

The stark irony might be that the next relationship you get into could be identical

>>18618331
>the whole point is that i don't want it to "go my way". but if he doesn't give me an alternative, then what am i supposed to do?

that's a direct contradiction, you're seeking control and then pretending your not by saying you don't want it

how about you chill the fuck out and stop kicking up dust over nothing?

or maybe deep down you're resentful and are looking for problems in the relationship

whatever that's my random take anyways based on my own personality

>>18618333
what if they only start displaying that behaviour AFTER you already got married and have a kid?

i don't plan to have a "next relationship".

>>18618340
>what if they only start displaying that behaviour AFTER you already got married and have a kid?

you just weren't looking for it

blame aside, i honestly think you need to work on your own expectations first

>>18618339
how do i seek controle? i simply want him to tell me his honest opinion on decisions that affect the future of our family.

so him acting like a baby is now "nothing"? what's "something", then?

resentful of what?
why would i want to sabotage my own relationship?

>>18618342
how can you look for something that you don't know exists?

expecting your husband and father of your children to tell you his honest opinion is expecting too much?

>>18618348
>how do i seek controle? i simply want him to tell me his honest opinion on decisions that affect the future of our family.

THAT'S A CONTRADICTION, OBSERVE IT

>so him acting like a baby is now "nothing"? what's "something", then?

You calling his behavior "like a baby" is more telling of this perceived resentment i'm talking about.

It's possible you idolized him and a family life so much, that you never took the time to really understand who you were marrying.

Calling him a baby cause he's not doing what you want is extremely childish.

>>18618352
>how can you look for something that you don't know exists?

because you didn't know it didn't exist and i'm not interested in word play, just be honest with yourself

>>18618354
then what's your advice? just "accept it" and shoulder the burden of making all the decisions myself?

>>18618360
what if i had found out before marriage? would you told me to leave him? is this the only solution to ANY issue inside a relationship? do you think a relationship is only wirth staying in if it is perfect in any way? do you think that even exists?

>>18618379
>then what's your advice? just "accept it" and shoulder the burden of making all the decisions myself?

I said "no, work on it" why are you ignoring that?

>what if i had found out before marriage? would you told me to leave him? is this the only solution to ANY issue inside a relationship? do you think a relationship is only wirth staying in if it is perfect in any way? do you think that even exists?

All because you refuse to work on yourself and the relationship?

It's not going your way, so you're freaking out and want to find a back door?

I feel sorry for the both of you but this seems to be the state of many modern marriages

best of luck

>>18618379
not the anon you are chatting with but wise enough to know marriage and children can bring out the best in someone or expose the weaknesses. In your situation you are serious and determined and he's still flying by the seat of his pants. I suggest you make the decisions until he can step up and be the other half of the partnership. If he cannot for you then for your children. I would also caution you about filling out every condition for every thing allowing some things to just happen. Like, how often should your child sleep with you? Really who the fuck knows that and it will differ for every child. I had one that was very independent and even as an infant would scream to be in a crib. Let some shit go.

>>18618395
he brought that up. i even asked him if we really need riles for everything. why does he bring stuff up and then resorts to "i don't know". ofc i suspect that he wanted me to say "not at all", but that's not my opinion and if he has a different one then he has to tell me that and not say "i don't know". oh well. i guess i'll just see how i deal with this in the future. thanks for all the help and brainstorming

>>18618395
>In your situation you are serious and determined and he's still flying by the seat of his pants

taking sides will only make matters worse

>>18618069
Shoulda been a warning sign the year you guys were together before marriage. You married a little bitch.

Time to man him up. Say you will always love him and not hurt him but he needs to grow some balls.

Boot camp or something will be good for him. It will change him and toughen him. Show him the real world. You are doing this since you love him, but you can't hold his hand forever. In marriage there is always going to be disagreements but he needs to stick to those and not run like a coward and cry.


Did something happen in his childhood? Get to that.
TLDR: There is a bunch of crap yall need to figure out. Therapist and boot camp for sure.


Or let him come in on you and Tyrone. See what he will do. My guess is nothing since he is a pussy but that will maybe teach him to grow some.
Sucks you had kids with this dude and sucks you are married to a pussy. There is always time though.

>>18618914
Cheating is just petty revenge and will make her a disgusting, immoral person (and divorced).

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>>18618914
>Did something happen in his childhood? Get to that.
This is what I think would be best for OP. She needs to talk with him and try to understand why he avoids argument. Also why is divorce /adv/'s answer to everything?

>>18618921
True, boot camp and therapist.

Also it could be she is alone home at night and then home invaders come and gangbang her. Husband walks in and cries. Like the movies.

>>18618921
hear hear!

>>18618934
That's like condemning someone to the electric chair just because of tax avoidance. Totally overblown and honestly, no one deserves to be in the situation.