I need some clarification.

What's wrong isn't hard to figure out - you might be trying to punish yourself for dating an abusive asshole, or feel uncomfortable with your path to betterment because you don't think you deserve it.
As for what to do, the most important thing is to understand that someone who cares about you like your boyfriend would rather do everything to take care of you even if you didn't move a muscle than have to deal with your death. Back when I was suicidal I openly told my parents that I was going to kill myself because I felt like this wasn't an act of desperation and wanted to make it clear to them, but looking back on it it's the most terrible thing I could have said to my parents. This doesn't mean that you should stay alive only to satisfy someone else or make him feel like you will off yourself should he leave you, but if you don't feel like you can live for your own sake you should at least temporarily live for someone else's sake - it worked for me.
The path to recovery from attempted suicide can be very different depending on the reasons, but some things help out in general, like doing and finishing small projects like arts and craft to start building your confidence.

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>>18614248
>bf
>rape

I think what helped me the most get rid of any suicidal desires was when I started to desire dedicating my life to someone else but myself - in my case, my future wife and kids.
The psychologist Jordan Peterson has model of self-improvment that's been shown to be effective: Determine where you are right now, picture where you'd like to be in the future, and picture how bad it would be if you gave way to your worst aspects. That way, you have a goal to reach towards and a hell to run away from.
The thought of depriving a woman of a happy marriage and preventing cheerful kids to be born in a stable family by not continuing my life to reach that point is the most powerful image I can muster to keep me from wanting to end it all. It's important for you to have an image with the same significance, even if it looks much different from mine.

>>18614248
Suicide an symptom of depression. Feeling worthless or inadequate; that you shouldn't be alive, and that it would likely be better for everyone else if you just died.

It's very common to have these feelings. However, that doesn't mean you should give in to them or that they are true at all. Your boyfriend and family are your anchors. They keep you grounded in reality, whether you like it or not. But one thing is for sure: Your boyfriend wants you to live. Remind yourself of that every time you get the urge.

That said, talk to you counselor about the anti-depressants about your suicidal thoughts (or whoever prescribes them to you). I had a friend who committed suicide because the anti-depressants actively made him want to kill himself. Needless to say, that was a very sad day.

>>18614248
Self-unmedicating is as foolish and dangerous as self-medicating. Talk to your doctor and/or shrink, and if they support your desire to wean yourself off the meds, let them control and monitor the process. DO NOT do it yourself.

And, not at all by the way, much respect to you for surviving and calling the cops. DO NOT blame yourself for having been a victim or for not escaping earlier. He was 100% at fault, you are 100% blameless.

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>>18614248
Stay on your fucking meds!!