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Cooling off friendships (TLDR; at the end) 2017-08-11 03:14:33 Post No.
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Cooling off friendships (TLDR; at the end) 2017-08-11 03:14:33 Post No.
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I've known my roommate since we were kids (we're both out of college now). She's been going through a tough time, her mother has cancer. By default she's a very compassionate person, and often her emotions consume her, basically dictating every moment of her life. The end result being that she's a little self centered, and the conversation tends to be about her. At the end of the day I like her, we have a lot of fun.
Now about me. I have a moderate anxiety disorder and spent all summer unemployed because my anxiety refused to let me work my last job (it really really sucked), but also refuse to let me quit (I'm a really really practical person). Basically job abandonment, so no reference, and it was hard to find work. I was very depressed, drank a good amount by myself, stopped going out, let my room go to shit... Basically everything short of suicidal thoughts.
Still though, my friend is going through -a lot-. So I've been there for her, have let her pour her emotions into me, and have generally been her rock. I haven't complained once about what I'm going through, but she's said herself it looks like I'm having a crap summer.
Yesterday I got a new job that I'm extremely excited about and wanted to talk about it, as close friends would. I brought it up once, and got railroaded onto a different subject before she stepped out. No acknowledgment -at all- that something cool happened for me.
I shoot a text saying it would've been cool if she asked me how my first day went. She replies "We'll talk about it later face-to-face." Then, she doesn't come home.
At this point it would've been over for me if she apologized. I didn't need a face-to-face about it. It's really not a massive issue.
I give her the benefit of the doubt, because of everything she's going through and give her all day today to bring it up. She doesn't bring it up, and actually, she asks me to carry her luggage to her car while I'm bringing her to the airport.
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We were half way to the airport before I brought up that she wanted to have a face-to-face about yesterday. I basically told her the investment level in our friendship and each other's lives is one sided, and has been a while. I stressed that I knew she was having a tough time, but blatant disregard towards another person's life, especially someone who has been -crucial- to get her through a rough patch was ridiculous. While she did apologize, she generally asserted that whatever is going on with her takes complete precedence over everything else. My translation of that = her problems are more important than anything else, and she can be excused for being self-centered.
By the way, her Mom has always had a bright prognosis and just entered remission last week.
I could've easily gotten over her looking over what is basically the end of my own rough patch, but not even following through on the face-to-face that SHE proposed (that I could've done without) is just too much. I gave her every opportunity today to bring it up, and was completely warm all day towards her. She waited until I basically chased for that apology and the conversation happened under the time limit of going to the airport. Not ideal.
Anyways, no amount of shit going wrong in my life has every eclipsed the problems of others and shit has gone down for me that I could explain, but this is already a damn novella. I like to be there for people, because usually, they've been there for me.
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>TLDR
I've decided to really focus on just investing in myself, not one girl I've known since I was a kid.
The problem is silently unsticking myself from my roommate. I don't want to reach an understanding with her about this issue. I just want to not be responsible for dealing with her problems anymore, and not have an uncomfortable living situation. We'll still hang out from time to time, but I never again want to have a conversation that's soley about her.
How do I do that though? How do you disengage from a codepent person? We're under a lease for another year. I'm going to have to put up with this. I'm really lacking some concrete strategies on how to go about this.
Also: I don't date her, I've never wanted to date her, she's never wanted to date me, and virgin loneliness is not a problem here.
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Not your personal blog.
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OP get a boyfriend jesus christ.
It's not a normal thing for a friend to ask you about your day.
Married people and couples who love each other do that.
Also you seem to have no real problems aside from being a pussy. Work on your anxiety.
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Prepare for her to abandon and be an unloyal cunt in 3...2....1....
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