Caught my boyfriend flirting with a colleague

Tell him how you feel. Openly and honestly

>>18595492
Its not you OP its your bf who is an ass. There are people that would not do this while in a relationship. You chose the wrong guy.

>>18595501
I don't even know how I feel. I just want to throw up.

>>18595503
He is honestly one of the best guys I've ever met. Which is why this hurts so bad.
We've been together for 6 years and he was a perfect boyfriend this far.

>>18595509
Wait a minute. 6 years and no talk of marriage? Well guess he's not very committed to you because sounds like he is trying to woo his coworker. Did he see you, see them?

>>18595527
He did seem pretty committed. We've been living together for 3 years.
I am still finishing my master, I didn't want to get married while I am still in school.

>Did he see you, see them?
Yup. He seemed a little shocked and tried to excuse himself.
I just gave him the food I made for him and told him we'd discuss it later because I didn't want to make a scene.

>>18595539
You did good but anything less than an admission and sincere apology and what he will do differently around this girl and others won't do. If he tries in any way to say it wasn't what you think or its the first time or she is coming on to him or explain it away in anyway, his ass should be toast. I would do it quietly but start making arrangements to move. What you saw was only the tip of whats been going on.

>>18595492
>so I decided to bring him a snack during his break
You suspected something was up didn't you?

>>18595556
Op, this
Just stay silent and asm what he has to say. Listen and don't answer even if he asks. At the end tell him in a neutral voice you are going to think about what you are going to say to him

Then, do so and decide what to do

>>18595583
Nope. I often bring him food, like 2-3 times a week at least. Usually I bring him lunch, but today I couldn't make it so I decided to surprise him with a snack.

>>18595556
He just told me "I'm so sorry" so I don't think he'll make up excuses.
I own the house we live in, my grandfather left it for me when he passed. So there's no way to quietly kick him out.

I just feel so disappointed.

>>18595586
Is this something I should break up on?

>>18595492

It's just flirting, why is it a big deal? If he comes home to you and only kisses you and sleeps with you, then what does it matter if he complements some woman? That's not even proper flirting, to be frank. Look them in the eyes? Complement her? Smiling? Who doesn't do shit like that?

>>18595619
Because I want to be the only person he has sexual/romantic interactions with.
I'm not saying it's the same as fucking some girl, but it definitely makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel like he's untrustworthy.

And I do not flirt with other guys.

>>18595633
you're a good girl, bite his dick next time you get the chance

Things can get a little stale in 6 years anon. That's not an excuse for him by any means, but maybe have an open discussion about the things you both feel might be lacking. I don't think you should outright break up with him over this, but definitely tell him that you need to feel like you can trust him and right now you don't.

>>18595651
See I don't like this shit because it implies OP did something wrong or remiss in some area and up to her to fix it or he is justified in doing it or worse again. It was he that did this and hurt her and if he is sorry he did then he does the talking and plead for her forgiveness and he offers the resolution and does it willingly to right the wrong.

>>18595651
I understand that they can get a little stale, but I always tried really hard to be a good girlfriend.
I take good care of him - I always cook, do all the chores so he can relax when he comes home from. We are good friends and have fun together - we go travel, share hobbies, have a lot of fun. Since we got together, I improved the way I look; I'm much thinner, I dress better, I take better care of my appearance. We fuck every day, I indulge in all his kinks.
It makes me so sad that it wasn't enough anyway. I was cheated on in the past, so I was so happy when I met him because he seemed really trustworthy. I always thought that if I did my best and picked a good guy things wouldn't go wrong, but it seems like I'm not good enough anyway.

I'm sorry for the rant, I'm just upset.

>>18595665
I'll say it again OP it is not you it is your bf. I have been with my wife 7 years and I have women clearly throw themselves at me and I flat am not interested, amused but not interested and am confident enough I don't need the ego strokes from another woman.

>>18595492
Everyone has a work wife, get over it

>>18595665
You are a good person, he is a person that could take the other road if he hasn't already

>is this something I should break up for?

It depends on the kind of person you are, I wouldn't stay but I'm not you. You said you gave him the best of you but it seems he will not. He has taken you for granted, and that is the last thing you do in a relationship. Look OP, you know him better than anyone, and this clearky sucks

But it's up to you to decide
Can you trust him 100% after what he did? What is he going to say? Excuse himself?

There are people who will say you should get used to it, that it was just flirting and not a big deal. But you need to think about you now, are you going to be able and manage to be happy with a 90%? If you can swallow it, then good for you, if you can't then good for you because if you think you can't manage it then it is better to look for happiness elsewhere


Having said this, I'd leave. I have too much pride in me and too much respect, I also give my 100% at all times so I expect others to do the same yeah, of course we are not all perfect, we fight and disagree but trust is the settleground for relationships, the thing that gives it life

That's why it's up to you
Can you live with 90%?

Having said this, there ARE MANY guys who won't cheat or flirt when in a relationship, as there are MANY girls like you, we are out there, it's a matter of life principles


I'd rather ask for a break up than cheat or even flirt because as I said, I give the 100


It's up to you and your happiness and your trust and expectations as well as disappointment

If you can't manage it, why stay?

>>18595665
I have been in simmilar situation too. It looks like he takes you for granted, like wtf girl? You do all chores, make him food, bring it to him and manage to study + improved your appearance and give him pussy every day?
Firstly I respect you, you are praiseworthy. Secondly, dont really want to say this, but it might be he is already cheating on you.

My expierence was that, he was a person who rarely used his phone, but suddenly he couldnt live without it, after few weeks I found messages from his coworker (some flirty shit, but not enough to make argument, but I trusted him so didnt pay much attention). After a month or so I went on holiday in other country for 10 days, when I got back he was supposed to pick me up at 2a.m. but he didnt answer phone, I got home myself, found pc turned on, looked at screen and he was chating with another coworker, aparently at that moment he was at her place obviously fucked her not the first time when I saw conversation... later he came back home crawling on his knees and apologising, but I threw him out at once. Next week he moved into that coworkers place... no need to continue story.

It might be that he is just fishing for attention, but it may lead to expierencing my story. Dont be too naive like I was.

I don't know if there is a surefire way to make him tell the truth and stay faithful. I don't think there is.

But you can consider how you feel about this. Would you be able to trust him, or would it bug you forever? Would you be inclined to drop in on him in unexpected times, try to check his phone and mail? To verify with his friends where he went? If that doubt is there, I don't think it will ever go away.

>>18595492
Sorry anon, you're probably better off breaking things off or you're going to be stuck in a relationship where you'll always be taken for granted. And of course he wants to stick around--you own the house! I'm not saying it's all that bad. He probably does care for you. However, he doesn't seem to be respecting you all that much despite what you do for him.

Imagine. You just HAPPENED to walk in on such a sexually charged situation in one of the few times you went to his work. The odds are against this happening if, y'know, it was a rare thing that only happened once in a blue moon. It likely has happened a lot, and that far worse things have happened.

Oh, and you can quietly kick him out. Just sit him down and say that the relationship isn't working out for you, and that you'll give him time to find lodging elsewhere.

>>18595751
Thanks for your post.
I am someone who puts everything into relationships, too. I always tried my very best to give him all myself and make him happy.
I don't know if I can trust him again, or what he can say or do to make up for this. I am mostly shocked right now because I didn't expect him to act like this.

I don't want to live with 90%, no. But on the other hand I cannot even imagine being without him.
He has always been a wonderful boyfriend, I do believe he loves me. I don't understand why he did this.

>>18595755
I do like doing things for him and being hot for him. I like making him happy.
I'm pretty sure he isn't cheating. We spend all our free time together, he never looks at his phone, he doesn't have facebook or anything. Then I was sure he would never flirt with another girl, and he did.

>>18595796
I don't know how I feel. I've been cheated on before and I dropped the guy the second I found out. I would never go through his phone/email or do that kind of thing. If I couldn't trust him, I'd go.

>>18595827
He's not staying for the house. He makes more than enough to provide for himself, and actually spends a lot of money and energy to make our house nice. We spent every day off for 2 years building furniture and improving the house. We renewed everything by ourselves, we're super proud of it.

It is just so unexpected. I don't know. He never seemed like the kind to flirt with other girls or do anything like that. And he always seemed madly in love with me.

>>18595853
Hope he's home soon so he can start with the explaining but watch out. He lives with you and likely hasn't thought about how hard it will be to get a place of his own should you throw him out. Knowing that make sure he doesn't give you the rope a dope so you won't end it and ruin his set up. I think he'll come in and pretend it was no big thing and turn this on you as an overreaction.

>>18595865
Not having a lease or mortgage is a major benefit and while he may make enough to have his own place it will impact his standard of living quite a bit. Don't dismiss how comfortable he is now and that comfort allows him to cultivate another woman.

>>18595872
He'll be home in 45 minutes.

He's texted me a bunch while he was at work, he's apologising and begging me to give him another chance. I told him I want to talk to him and not text.

>>18595884
It is comfy, but financially he wouldn't spend much more.
He has a nice job and he has been paying all bills and groceries for both of us since I am still studying and with my part time job I pay for my tuition and other expenses. Living alone would cost him about the same amount of money, even including rent.

>>18595492

It's worth telling him how you feel, but exactly how long did you hide away somewhere he couldn't see you to see him complimenting her, and touching her arm?

People smile at each other. People look at each other in the eyes. Are you freaking out because you heard him say one passive comment and touch his arm, or was this continuous?

There's no such thing as emotional cheating. You can say you're uncomfortable, and that's fine, but expecting him to ignore every single girl that he has to spend eight hours a day with is a losing battle.

>>18595918
I was behind him. I walked up to him and then stood there for 25-30 seconds while he was complimenting her and touching her. She doesn't know me.

Of course if he was just smiling and looking at her I wouldn't be bothered, but he was touching her arm (up and down her upper arm, near her shoulder) and complimenting her, and such things. That bothered me.

I'm not expecting him to ignore anybody, I just think it's absolutely inappropriate to do such things when you have a girlfriend. I wouldn't act like that with a guy.

>>18595661
>because it implies OP did something wrong

No it doesn't, the point is that cheating is a symptom of an issue in a relationship. There's a reason for behaviors, so there should be for this one.

>>18595895
OP have you talked about boundaries and stuff? What is cheating as defined by your relationship?

>>18595928
as a guy that strikes me as highly inappropriate. sounds like he's taking you for granted and since you obviously treat him so well he probably let it get to his head and thinks he's hot shit. I reiterate, bite his dick

>>18595934
I don't consider it cheating, just inappropriate.

We never talked about it explicitly, no. I always told him I wanted to be the only person he is sexual or romantic with, and if he couldn't grant me that I'd rather be out.

>>18595895
Anon...even so, living in house alone with someone is a major jump then, say, apartment living and being haunted by the specter of a mortgage.

Anyway, he seems like he's still totally attracted to other women to some degree. Moreover, that you believe that he's not the type to do that is a red flag in itself...he could be obscuring some part of himself from you, or you may not really understand him as much as you think you do.

What are you going to do anyway? You're seriously skirting around that point.

>I feel like whatever I do is never enough to keep a man faithful
Also, weird generalization. Did something happen to you before? Seems like you have some insecurities.

>>18595946
she said she was cheated on in the past

>>18595492
dear OP, after reading all those advices and your responses I see that you defend him a lot.. Not that this is a bad thing, but I sugest like others metioned, dont go straight into talking, just let him explain himself. You are now very shocked so dont make rash decisions based on your unstable emotions. After his explanation dont rush to forgive him or to throw him out, just tell him you are not sure how to react and it would be better if you talked about tommorow, just have a drink or whatever go to sleep, and talk about it tomorrow. Your head will be clearer and you will make a better decision.
And again dont rush anything. Try to take things slow. Best of luck.

>>18595943
> sounds like he's taking you for granted and since you obviously treat him so well he probably let it get to his head and thinks he's hot shit.

Not OP but whoa, I think that's what happened with my cheating ex. Thanks for the insight anon

>>18595934
>I cheated but not because I have an internal problem, it's the fault of both! There is a problem i the relationship therefore I cheat!

Typical whore with no soul mentality (man or woman), it is clear as hell you ain't a decent person
People who justify cheating are sociopaths.
The only place where I see someone not being a whore while cheating is if you were forced to marry your partner, or if your partner is physically abusive.

Cheating is for whores

>>18595945

>and if he couldn't grant me that I'd rather be out.

So I think you should wait for his response because for some people, they don't see flirting as cheating. Some people flirt at work as a way of being charming or influencing other people. But if he seems like he understood this then yeah, you should really reconsider a lot of things.

I'm only saying this because you don't want to end things due to a lack of communication on both parties about your boundaries. People aren't mind readers, but it's easy to assume that they'll expect the same things as you.


>>18595960

I'm not saying cheating is ok, I'm saying it's a shitty behavior and it has to be caused by something. I also didn't say anything about fault. It's only the cheater's fault.

Sounds like you're just jealous, and perhaps he wasn't flirting

>>18595946
I have no issue with him being attracted to other women, I think it is distasteful to act on it. He's not an animal, he can help himself.

He never acted like a player. He was a shy nerd when we met, couldn't even look at me in the eyes.
I didn't expect this kind of behaviour from him.

And, no, I don't know what to do. I will listen to him and then think.
I was cheated on in the past. The only other guy I dated cheated on me. I found out because he gave Chlamydia to my then best friend. Good guy. 10/10.

>>18595950
I do defend him. I love him a lot, and I do honestly believe he isn't a bad person.
I just don't understand.

Thanks.

>>18595943
That's probably true.
He was a very shy, nerdy dude and never even had a girl before me. I was pretty good looking. We met at the advanced math class and just became extremely good friends because we shared interests. I was so crazy about him since the very beginning

>>18595983
>Sounds like you're just jealous, and perhaps he wasn't flirting
I'm not an extremely jealous person, to be honest. He was clearly flirting.

>>18595981
It might be true. I am not rushing things and making decisions now, I am way too hurt to take a definitive decision.

>>18595719
Whatever you have to tell yourself to preserve your ego you fucking massive cliche faggot.

We talked. He just left and he'll sleep at his brother's for the night, he'll come back tomorrow morning and we'll talk some more.

He apologised for his behaviour, and admitted he was flirting and it was inappropriate.
He told me that he has been feeling very insecure lately, because I got much hotter while he got uglier (he gained a little weight, is very stressed for work, etc).
He said it doesn't justify what he did, but that he hopes I can understand and eventually forgive him.

I told him I need some time to think about this and that we'll talk more tomorrow. What should I address tomorrow morning?

>>18596224
idk, just go sleep and tommorow you will see how you feel about this isuue. Now you are just overthinking and it wont help, go sleep, wake up with clearer head and have that conversation, if you feel that things are fixable and this is a one time slip - forgive him, but dont forget what he said about him feeling insecure... things like this might happen again in future. Best of luck

Okay since everyone is telling you to leave him I'll defend him.
He just has a friend at work he likes to talk/ flirt with when he's bored at work. He rather have you there but he only has her. He's without you for hours

>>18596224
I would want to know how long this has been going on and where he expected it to go if you hadn't caught him? Does he actually have some feelings for this girl and what he told her after you left? If he didn't speak to her again today what is he going to say to her tomorrow to stop this? Is he in contact with her in anyway outside work? Is she the only one or will you catch him again with someone else?

>>18596403
Oh I see, its ok to have a surrogate when your partner isn't around? OP cannot be at work with him even if she wanted.

>>18596417
Thanks for your post, really helped me.
I'll talk to him tomorrow morning and will try to figure things out with him.
I'm still rather speechless and confused.

I know he doesn't talk to her outside of work and the only thing that has been going on between them was the flirting.

>>18596475
You still need him to answer the questions even if you think you know the answer. He tried to flip this on you by saying your hotness has made him insecure. It was clever by implying you were the ideal, he isn't, so he sought attention from someone less intimidating. Pay close attention to his answers, some he has thought about but not prepared for you to inquire.

He has to be the one to offer things he will do to repair the damage.

Don't know about you but I overheard a phone call between an ex and a "friend" and it was impossible for me to process this was the same guy that told me he loved me last night. I couldn't get over it but I hadn't been with him 6 years, just 2.

>>18596224
>He told me that he has been feeling very insecure lately, because I got much hotter while he got uglier (he gained a little weight, is very stressed for work, etc).
Albeit his behavior was definitely inappropriate, and I don't mean to justify him by any means, I'd suggest working heavily on this. He didn't outright cheat, so that's something, but if he's that insecure there must be some even deeper reason.

I'm willing to say that if you help him get out of that (emphasis on "help", you cannot really pull him out of that; only he is able to, if he is willing to), you both will bond much more closer and episodes like this are very unlikely to happen again.

>>18595492

Men that flirt usually cheat. Exceptions are rare.

Sorry but that's the deal. And this is coming from a guy.

>>18595509

>6 years
>not married

Jesus and you thought everything was cool?

If a man is with a woman for 3 years and he has not put a ring on it something is up.

>>18597018
In my country it is not unusual to spend a lot of time together without getting engaged or married, especially if you start dating young. People don't really get married before 25, or while they're still in school.
My parents have been together for 9 years before getting married.

>>18596612
I really do hope so.
He'll be over in a few minutes and we'll talk.

OP seems like a decent gf but it sounds like she's dating a high value man. The more attractive, successful, and mentallly stable a man, than the more likely he's going to play around. If he's got everything, why wouldn't he play around. You're living proof that he can get a good gf, so flirting with lesser girls for shits is common play. Doesn't mean it's okay or it works well with you. But the majority of successful high quality men I see in my city are like this. They are charmers regardless of they are married or single

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>>18598175
Lol. This is really not accurate.
He's not a Chad - he's 20 kg overweight, and with a mediocre face. He has a good job, but he's not a CEO. He is mentally stable, but he has always been a shy nerd and couldn't even look at me when we started dating.

I really do not mind, I love him the way he is and he has been an amazing partner. But I'm not dating Don Draper.

>>18598224
yeah sounds like you bolstered his ego by being with him maybe he's using his newfound self esteem to experiment.

>>18598224
In his mind he is a chad because you do so much for him. Just withhold sex a bit and watch him change

>>18598386
>>18598237
This, if he isn't actually hot shit then if you hold it against him he will cave in.

>>18598386
>>18598237
worst posts yet.
>>18596612
doubling on this

>>18595988
Maybe you should stop thinking of him as a nerd and have some legitimate respect for him.

>>18595606
>>18595633
Then yes, you should break up with him.

>>18595492
Kick him out, find a better bf. Obviously after 6 years it's either marriage or boredom and he sounds bored.

>>18598734
What makes you think I don't respect him?
He is a nerd. He calls himself a nerd all the time.
I love him for who he is, but this doesn't mean he's a 10/10 look wise, or that he isn't a huge nerd.

>>18599108
Not getting married is my decision. I don't see the point of getting married while I'm still in school.