GF goes to bars with friends, never goes with me

Im curious if anyone has experienced this before. I think theres multiple ideas to what this could really be

> She genuinely doesnt like it and chooses better things to do with me, but this is how her friends hang out so she has to do it and thus they try to make it a girls night

> she doesnt want me to see that she drinks more heavily than I thought she did

> she doesnt think i fit into that scene so she doesnt want me to fake enjoyment

Am I missing something? what sounds likely? Isnt this so weird?

Im so fixated on this because it happened again tonight and its so frustrating. She is completely down for me to hang out with her friends and ive met all of them so its not a hiding thing either. I LOVE little bar games like arcade and pool and shit and ive told her and she just never wants to go with me.

regardless of what posts follow this is a hard problem OP

some will tell you that you're being controlling or that she needs time with friends or whatever, some will tell you she's definitely cheating and to drop her immediately, I say you suck it up and if she ends up fucking another dude you'll find out sooner or later

>>18594785
Thanks for replying, I agree that this can go many ways.

I have never limited her in doing this for what its worth, and she has said shes really glad im not controlling or anything like that. I want her to go with friends and have fun and be able to hear stories about some giant dick her friend swallowed without worrying that i may hear and get my feelings hurt from girl talk or whatever.

I just wanna be able to go do those fun things with her too. When shes depressed she gets into these states of being super sad that all we do is go see movies, watch netflix, go to the arcade and shopping malls. When shes happy, thats all she wants to do though. She will be depressed saying she wants to do new things with a big group of friends and me there, but then things will be going great and I wont get invited tonight to a big group of friends at a new bar playing pool. Fucking sucks.

I agree that if its happening I will find that out sooner or later, it would be such a shock though.

>>18594795
yeah that does suck man. does she live with you? she might want a break once in a while. but if she reserves "fun" things for when shes with friends that seems inconsiderate.

and, better a sudden shock that ends it all with clinical precision than the pain of drawn out mindgames imo

sorry I don't have much for you, but be wary of this: don't sabotage yourself into ruining this relationship over your concerns unless your aversion to this behavior is consistently greater than any aversion to being without the comradery and affection female company provides

>>18594817
No, but we do see each other nearly every day unless theres a test coming up for her or something crazy time consuming.. Even then its still multiple times a week always.

Agreed, I wish I could be happy 99% and focus on my own things and then just get rekt if something bad happens instead of this slow bleed. I havent been able to focus on work all night and thats super annoying.

I get that logic. I will try to live with never going to a bar with her, just chalk it up to the reason that she only does it cuz her friends do and doesnt want me to see that drunk side of her. I would rather live in that world than not be with her.


hmm, my challenge to myself will be to forgive and forget this time happened, if it happens again I will just lay it out.there. Ill say nothing about this time. But if it happens again, boom. "Hey, I'm frustrated that I'm not invited to this hang out. It feels like you consistently leave me out of inviting me to the bar with your friends, and you don't go if its just me either. It hurts my feelings to get the I'm sleepy at 11:30 when its me and you but you can hit up a bar at mid night with your friends knowing I would love to join at least one time"

i think thats best. Things are going well now and theres no point to throw this on her this time. And its not too intense that it will be a breakup type convo, its simply explaining my feelings without arguing.

thanks man.

Have you ever asked to go along with her...?

>>18594845
i dont get a chance. She texts INCREDIBLY sparsely when shes out, so the convo essentially ALWAYS looks like this:

Her 10:00 PM : Maybe my friend and I will come to you, not sure yet.
Me 10:05 PM : Sounds good. Im also down to come there and hang out for a few hours, we gotta all go somewhere
Her 10:30 PM : I think we are just gonna go to sleep early i love you
Her 10:35 PM : We're getting ice cream! I love you
Me 10:40 PM : Awesome!
Her 12:30 AM : We met up with another friend and are hanging out its so fun!
Me 12:31 AM : Oh cool where?
Her 1:45 AM : At this bar
Her 2:30 AM : I fell asleep
Me 2:31 AM : Good night love you


Dude this convo goes nearly identical to this every single time. Like 8/10 times shes gone to a bar with her friend its been exactly like this. There is nowhere for me to ask. FWIW, she ALWAYS says good night I love you but she is always asleep or whatever and never says it on these nights. I presume the drunkness + staying out extra late for her causes this.

>>18594771

So the situations have apparently been that the drinking happens spontaneously and there's little chance for you to join.

Have you tried combining it with a "just you guys" paradigm? Like, make plans for you both to stay in, and drink. Get 2 or 3 bottles of wine, or a bottle of vodka and have fun. Put on some music; play some board/card games; have some fun; get hammered. Maybe pork each other's brains out.
See how she reacts to this idea.

It could be that she just doesn't want you to see her when she's drunk. (i have this with my family)

Or it could be that she only gets drunk with her friends, and that's an experience that she wants to keep for herself/with her friends.

If the idea goes through, and you guys have a great time, and assuming her reasons for not getting drunk with you are one of the above, the experience could be like a stepping stone/acclimatization towards being comfortable with being drunk around you.

OP here with an update. I went against my decision earlier. I said fuck it. I am going to just say how I feel, Im not gonna keep it inside, Im gonna just do it.

I sent the following text:

I looked that bar up it has ping pong and darts and stuf it looks awesome. I would love to be able to come to one of these bar nights when its not intrusive of a girls hang out. Sleep well


Im proud of myself for not keeping this inside. Did i play it perfectly? probably not. Did I word it a lil less confidently than i should have? perhaps. But now tomorrow ill either wake up to a weirdo excuse, or she will think im mad at her and thus be mad at me, or she will just say you got it.

Up until now I had only been like wahh why didnt you invite me, never something clear as i want to go to the next one.

This has been bothering me for a year and a half. Im free.

>>18594885

Hey, yes I have. Heres the thing, shes not just like "i dont drink", she is VEHEMENTLY opposed to drinking usually. 99% of the time. She has a major anxiety problem so she says she doesnt want to drink because it might kick in and she needs to be able to take the pills. One of our biggest fights was when I didnt know that, made a plan for new years for us to in fact go out to bars and drink, and her saying she wont do that. Surprisingly, the next day her boss bought her (us) and friends a table at a club, and she drank at the club. The night after that was one of our biggest fights when I pointed out how fucking ridiculous that was. That was our only club visit ever together btw.

>>18594894
forgot to mention i also made plans for just staying home and drinking and that was the same response. The anxiety thing.

Well i am incredibly curious with what she replies tomorrow.

>>18594894
>>18594898
Shes fine with drinking, she just doesn't want to drink with you.

I would consider your relationship

>>18594908
This is the most reasonable conclusion I think. She does drink rarely though. I wouldnt' say shes FINE with it, she just is more open to it than being completely closed off with me.

Why? One time she was drunk and she masturbated next to me without even noticing me which was kind of weird. Never happened before or after. Her father and brother were alcoholics. When she was younger she used to drink till she blacked out.

>>18594894

That's really weird. I reckon there's surely something going on psychologically

>>18594917

>Her father and brother were alcoholics
>She used to drink till she blacked out

Well shit. Thats some pretty intense stuff that would give basically anyone a *right* to be weird with booze.

I think you should approach this from a very gentle, "I'd like to help" perspective, as opposed to "wtf what are you hiding this sucks".

Look, whether trauma's the case or not, I don't think this is worth ruining your relationship over, when push comes to shove. If she sticks to her guns and stays clammed up in the end, just let her have this thing, and leave it. Perhaps one day she'll open up about it; perhaps not. Just give her the benefit of the doubt and call it that. If your trust ends up being abused, well, that's her fault and problem, not yours - you did the right thing.