Has anyone here ever broken up with someone who 1. Loved you

First things first. Is this only a matter of feelings fading? If so, have you been productive in trying to "keep the spark alive" (like keep doing romantic things and treating each other like lovers at least occasionally)?

Or are there other issues like incompatibility, not feeling like you can live the life you want with her by your side or like she brings out the sides of you that you enjoy? It is normal for fluttery feelings to ebb and flow in a very long term relationship. But if you have stayed together through that and you still feel like something changed for the worse, chances are the decline in feelings isn't random but due to friction that is hard to reconcile. In that case, you can absolutely tell her those things. Also, difficult as it is, what she wants is probably not a guy she loves doing his plight by staying with her despite not reciprocating her most intimate feelings.

How long have you been together?

>>18589541

Thank you for the response.

We have been dating for 3 years. 6 months into our relationship, I got a job in another city - we decided that we would try long distance for a few months. After that, she found a job in the same city and moved in with me.

She has not changed at all since we started dating, so I can't say that my change of heart is her fault. She has been the same person from the beginning.

When we first met, I was unemployed, living with my parents, and depressed. I wanted to make something of myself and I felt like I was failing at it.

Over the past few years, I made a conscious "self improvement" effort. Finding a job, trying to focus on hobbies and learning, getting in shape, etc. To her credit, she supported me 100% the whole way through. I feel good about myself now, and I owe part of that to her love and support. (1/3)

>>18589686

However, now I've noticed that I somewhat resent her for not wanting to do the same thing for herself. She is content to just go to work, come home, smoke weed and watch TV and go to bed - rinse & repeat. I try to get her to go to the gym with me and it's like pulling teeth. I encourage her to pursue her old hobbies (singing and music, I even offered to buy her private lessons) and she comes up with flimsy excuses why she can't. I know the truth is she just doesn't want to.

In short, I know that her #1 goal and ambission in life is to marry me and have my kids and be my housewife. I know a lot of guys would kill for a girl like her, but it bothers me that she has no ambition and no desire to be anything more than my wife. It's unattractive to me. As a side note, I recognize this might come from her family, because her mom is hyper-subservient and is basically a housewife to her dad and brother.

In any case, I just can't shake the feeling that I want more from our relationship. I want to support her and help her achieve her goals, but she basically has none. I want us to do things together besides get high and watch movies and fuck. I realize this sounds like a non-problem to some people, but trust me, it gets old after a few years. (2/3)

>>18589689

It feels like we are stagnating and just repeating the same routine day in, day out. I am proud of the improvements I've made in myself, but I want her to do the same, but no matter how hard I try she just doesn't want to.

I just don't know how I could live with myself breaking up with her, since she's never been anything but an amazing gf to me. I've made her cry once in the past 3 years and it tore my heart to shreds. I never want to do that again, but at the same time, I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with this person unless she changes, which she clearly has no desire to do.

tl;dr - gf has no ambition and no goals and it bothers me to the point that I'm becoming less and less attracted to her

I've been there, OP. But I didn't dump her for lack of ambition. However, I did dump her because things weren't as advertised - she couldn't keep up with the amount of activity I have in my life, and I couldn't reconcile the feeling of being dragged down like a stone, even when I was at like 50% of my normal activity.

She just wanted to watch Netflix, bake, eat, and fuck, and despite being a very sweet girl most would love, I couldn't handle how bored I was.

>>18589725

Thanks for the response. May I ask how exactly it went down? Like, how long were you guys together, did you live together, close with each other's families/friends, etc.?

At this point it's almost like we are basically married and it makes me feel trapped in a way

>>18589517

> Gay here

Had a bf who was all that and never treated me wrong

But he was needy, fat and a failure at life

I think what really brought my disdain was the sheer submissiveness and weakness he had compared to me.
I think I could have brought him to eat my shit if I had wanted him to.

The break-up was pretty hard on him, I recieved drunken I-miss-you texts for three years before he let up

And I actually did the decent thing and broke up with him face-to-face, talked to him an entire evening and let him cry on my shoulders several times before I said goodbye

I would have never been happy in that relationship, and I let it go on for longer than it should have (1,5 years) because I felt sorry for him and because I wanted to give the relationship more that a small chance

A lesson for you all: don't stay in a relationship just because the other person is nice and loves you very much, when you feel slightly disgusted by them and mostly stick with them so as not to hurt them. It hurts them deeper and harder that you could imagine

How old are you, OP? Because I can guarantee you that once you settle down, you will be wishing for a girl like this, you know, the housewife type.

Don't be fucking retarded, learn to enjoy things on your own, don't push her into stuff she not only doesn't enjoy, but even can't enjoy and be a bit appreciative that you have a loving housewife and future good mother waiting for you back home.

Most women can't into authentic hobbies anyways.

>>18589761

I wish I had your courage. I keep telling myself that I can change her into the person I want her to be, because she otherwise submits to my every whim, just like your ex.

The only thing is, when it comes to doing something for herself, it's a no go. I know she hates when I pester her about it, because, in her words, "it makes me feel like I'm just not good enough for you"

it breaks my heart, but in a way, that's kind of how I actually feel.

Is there nothing to be done except break up?

>>18589693
Ask her to go to a therapist with you. Tell her how you feel. She may change for the relationship or she may just want to break up. Either way you wont have this sour taste in your mouth. Just remember that she might get married a year after you break up while you become single for the next 3 years. You should always give someone the chance to make things better.
I especially recommend doing this with a therapist so that you dont speak like an asshole and she doesnt get into defensive mode. A mediator will really help things along. Also write down what you want to say and give it to the therapist so you dont back down.

>>18589770

We're both 29.

Like I said, I know a lot of guys want the subservient housewife type. That just doesn't appeal to me. I want to be with a woman who commands my respect and that of other people; not someone who is content to just be my servant and baby factory..

Do you think that when I get older I won't feel that way anymore? How old are you?

>>18589779
The thing is, you wish for something that mostly doesn't exist. There are no "respectable strong women" only ones larping this way. Sure, there are rare outliers, but they usually come with heavy emotional baggage in other departments.

Respect as a whole is a strange principle - males can generate it, females can't. Both however acknowledge it inherent value, females maybe even more. You love women, you take care of them, you provide for them. But needing to respect them is hunting a unicorn. And yes, love and respect are completely exclusive concepts.

I'm now 37.

Yeah I broke up with a girl like this. We went long distance and there was no end in sight to that, and it was straining things from my end at least. I just did it. There will be other women

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>>18589517
>be engaged to my first love
>we lost our virginities together
>4 years later get a text message on our anniversary
>didn't even have the balls to break up in person
>brought a massive group of friends to come get his stuff from me so he could ignore me easier and get out without saying a word
>the other girl he liked had no interest in him whatsoever
>he would hover about me at parties after that
>he sat in the corner of a bedroom and cried while I was making out with another guy on the bed
>tried to control who I slept with by telling all his friends not to fuck me,(lol as if that would work)
>if I was interested in a guy who wasn't his friend he would talk shit about him constantly and tell me I wasn't allowed to date him
>he shaved his head and got super depressed.
>Everyone calls him the boy in the striped pajamas behind his back
>nobody turned up to his birthday party so he sat at a bar alone for 2 hours

>mfw he asks me to take him back

Do it OP. Cut her loose.

>>18589890
Wrong of him and I can't excuse it but goddamn hell hath no fury indeed. Bloody merciless.

>>18589897
Don't feel bad. He had a literal cuck fetish.

I didn't take advantage of it at the time because it felt like cheating, but I hate him so much now I wish I had.

>>18589905
Fair enough but goddamn. Glad I wasn't him. Queer fetish though, of all the things to be into, that's just weird. Good on you not to exploit it but for the poor bastards sake I hope he bounces back. If he cheated on you, sure, burn him and what have you but christ.

>>18589890

I don't understand. How does this post apply to my situation at all?

>>18589890
>>18589905
I'll take "Fantastic stories that never happened" for 1000, Jim.

>>18589914
It's a tale of regret.

I loved him with all my heart. My life revolved around him. I abandoned all my dreams just so I could become his boring housewife.
You need to be sure you'll be okay with these feelings if u break up with your gf. It's a bigger change than you think.

>>18589922

I see. So you're saying I will wind up at her knees begging her to take me back?

I can see why that scenario appeals to you as a jilted lover. However, in this case, if I were to go through with it, I 100% would not be looking back. Especially because I have no doubt in my mind that she would actually take me back.

>>18589922
>>18589974

Also, there is a huge discrepancy here

>I abandoned my dreams just to be his housewife

In my case, I want the exact opposite. I want to support her and help her fulfill her dreams.

Sorry you got fucked over, but I am not your ex

>>18589974
I'm not saying you'll go crawling back. Not every man is as spineless as him.
I'm saying that ending a long relationship is is a BIG change in your life. You will probably feel serious regret and depression but if you truly believe it's for the best then you should let her go. She'll move on.

>>18589999

I see. Yes, you're absolutely right; that's exactly why I have been struggling with this internal debate for the past year or so

Thank you for your input

>>18589974
And give her some closure.

>>18589517
I was the person in your scenario who matched all three. All I can say is be honest and up front to save them from suffering.

My entire life revolved around my SO, and after nearly four years they wanted to explore other options but didn't have the guts to tell me so instead they cheated on me and said they never loved me to make me break it off. I didn't since I am so invested in them, so they then ended it after. If you do end it with someone like that don't do it in that manner. I haven't recovered and likely never will, still barely sleep or east to this day.

>>18589829
No, you're just an ass

>>18590136
Nice argument you have there.

She sounds a lot like me. I can't say I don't worry about this a lot. I don't want someone to be with me out of pity.

If you want to repair this, come from an angle of worry. Tell her that it worries you that she has no ambition, that she doesn't want to improve herself, and that she doesn't seem to want an identity beyond housewife. Tell her that you view each other as equals.

My identity as "the nice one" has formed out of insecurity. I have a boat-load of issues: depression, ADD, an eating disorder, and most of all, codependency. If you're not familiar with codependency, the one in the context of chemical dependency, I'd suggest you look it up. Check out al-anon and the author Melody Beattie. It's essentially where all one's energy goes into helping someone else, fixing someone else, and neglecting oneself.

I don't know how to get the motivation to care about my own self worth, so I can't tell you how to convince her to care about herself either. I know that I need to go back to therapy, but I can't afford it. I keep avoiding going to al-anon meetings, but I don't have an excuse for that.

The biggest motivator I've found is doing it for the sake of my boyfriend. It makes him happy when I take care of myself, and all I want is for him to be happy. But that's not going to sustain me forever. It's superficial- I'll keep up appearances around him, do the things that he will notice. So I'll keep my desk clean, and practice music when he's around, and shower when he's around, and eat when he's around. But my drawers are a mess, I won't eat when he's at work, I haven't touched any of my old hobbies, I'll only change out of my pajamas right before he comes home.

I'm probably projecting. But let me know if this sounds familiar at all, I can ramble more.