I think my marriage is over

Things have been getting rockier for the past couple years. We haven't slept together in the last 2 years. It's actually because of me contrary to what you might think. In fact over the weekend I came home and she tried to initiate activities and I declined. She asked me if I was ok and I just BSed "yeah, I'm fine, I'm just not in the mood" and "I'd need to shower and all that". It's awful but she gave me an opening to address the elephant in the room and I backed out. This is so embarrassing but the last time we started to have sex I couldn't perform. It was so awkward it obviously hadn't come up in nearly 2 years. I've been having trouble getting and or maintaining erections. It's not that I'm not attracted to her, I can't even do it "alone".

I've avoided brining it up to my doctor because I'd like to keep avoiding reality I guess. And for obvious reasons I've never told her. I don't want her to think it's because of her when it's not. The last 2 years we've just been going through the motions, eating dinner, Netflix, or GoT, what have you all the meanwhile an unspeakable distance has been growing between us and she doesn't even know why. I completely understand it from her point of view as well as how much this is my fault. I planned to tell her everything when she came home but that never happened and now I'm afraid that anything I say is going to look like desperation just to "salvage" something so I don't "lose". I love her so much and I'm fucking lost. What do I do?

Dude, go to get medical attention, even if she walks away from your life, you need to have a better sexual life, it isn't fair for you. Most of the time erectile disfunction can be treated. Also, focus on other things while she isn't home, thinking about her all the time will make you feel sick.

>>18588547
>Cardio
>kegels
>l-citrulline
Will probably make your dick work again

I understand that you have a real problem here, but not taking action for w years means you don't even care about sex

The medical thing will happen one way or another. I'm think I'm going to go camping over the weekend with a buddy of mine because you're right, I'm fucking dying. It's just that she's my best friend. I had a couple moderately long term relationships in high school but she's the only woman I've had in my adult life. The only one I've ever wanted. I'm so lost without her and it's awful that she doesn't know, probably thinks the opposite, and I don't want to try to call her anymore to explain my situation over the phone and the calls would probably only make things worse and I'm trying to give her the space she's asking for. Her mom's probably filling her head with fucking garbage, too 'cause she makes awful relationship choices herself. I'm losing my fucking mind.

>>18588547
I know that since you are boy, you have been conditioned by whole society to never tell anybody about your problems.

You have two options: repair it all, be humble, apologize, ask her on date and learn how to eat pussy while you do this >>18588582 or simply divorce.

I would choose the first option, but i am not a moron who will let any problen go unnoticed for 2+ years. I simply refuse to be that stupid.

Ask her on romantic date. Flirt, kiss, seduce her like she is somebody else. Then attempt to have sex, let the boner fail from anxiety and then rape her clit by your tongue. Then hug her tightly, maybe cry like a little bitch you are and apologize for everything you have (not) done for her in the few past years.

And promise her you will solve the problems. Getting /fit/ with cardio and kegel excercises will solve your problems.

But you dont want to fix problems, do you? You have never learned how to proper communicate, havent you?

>>18588582
DESU, sex has never really been the most important thing to me. I enjoy it of course but you're right. 2 years is ridiculous and ive known the whole time. The longer it goes on the more insurmountable the obstacle seems. I've never really gotten hyper focused on something, crushed myself with the weight of whatever I'm panicking about, and end up suppressing and ignoring it for as long as possible but that's totally what's happened here. I just don't know if telling her the truth now will just look like a desperate made up bullshit excuse, throw more logs on the fire, or completely clear the air and make her re-evaluate any cons to the relationship she's been considering.

Alright so this is going to be the post that doesn't focus on your dick. I got a haunch, and I encourage you to consider the following, if you wish to save your marriage

You are not happy. Your wife is not happy. The reasons why aren't important to discuss here, because whatever's going on you need to break the cycle.

Write a text to your wife. Tell her you know things aren't looking good at the moment, but that you're set on treating her like the strong, inspiring and beautiful woman you once fell in love with, and that you recognize that you haven't been looking after yourself in a good while. You're going to see a therapist to help you figure out your own obstacles, and give yourself time to grow into the person you want to be, so that you can become more present in your relationship. She should come back home when she feels like you both can leave behind any resentment left from beginning of the week, and meet you with openness to see good change in the way you treat each other.

Book an appointment with a psychologist that gives the option to do couple's therapy further down the line. Talk about mindfulness, honesty and avoidance. BE HONEST! Cover as much ground as you can think of, this shit is important. Don't be looking for any diagnosis, but be open to whatever suggestions the therapist offers. If you can start being mindful and present with your wife, the tenderness and care you show each other, will turn into affection and lust, as long as you don't rush anything, and treat her with the sincerity she deserves. Your dick will act accordingly, when it got a reason to.

Resentment is recognizing the thing in your partner, but being too proud to see it in yourself.
Infatuation is recognizing the thing in your partner, but being to humble to see it in yourself.
Walk the line in between, and be loved and love in union.

>>18588590
Actually, I've already started getting healthier. I read online that getting back on a healthy diet and workout routine can help. I've lost 55 pounds in about 9 months. I've actually had some progress with my situation in "testing" but you're totally right about the anxiety. It was so humiliating the last time we tried and the FEAR of repetition ironically being the cause for a repeat occurrence is what's mostly been on my mind. And btw, I'm actually quite good at communication. It's WHY just out of high school we've been together for 13 years none stop. This is the only thing I've ever encountered that I've withheld from her. I have no problem giving oral sex as a remedy until I get my problem fixed but obviously that would require getting passed this obstacle first. She's more important to me than the act of fucking is and I'd like to fix our relationship, then fix the fucking. I don't need advice on the fucking bit, I can talk to my doctor about that. It's difficult addressing this type of situation in a marriage that isn't on questionable terms and that's what I need help with. I'm actively going to fix the physical problem but my marriage is my main priority.

>>18588752
honestly you are a huge faggot for not having sex for 2 years.
A bigger faggot for not doing something about your WIFE slowly getting more and dissapointed in you.

If you keep this selfish anxious attitude where your partner suffers because of your anxiety, you DO NOT DESERVE a loving companion.

>>18588752
If you were that good at communication as you claim, your first time when you failed the boner thing, you would joke about it and told her asap about it.

But no, you ignored it, ignored her and stopped behaving like sexual being around your wife. Now she either thinks she isnt attractive for you anymore, that you hate her or that you are cheating her and want to divorce, just lack balls to tell her directly.

Ask her on date, show some fucking humility (i bet you never apologized) and break the ice by sexing her up via any means possible. Also prepare for her rejecting you as some sort of childlish revenge. You gonna have to work for that too. And yes, forcing your wife to take innitiative in sex and then even rejecting her through bullshit reason is very bad move. I bet the lack of sex is the only real problem you two have. And lack of intimity and cuddling aka emotional upkeep. You need to show your partner PERIODICALLY that you still love them and see them as something more than cooker / maid / walking sexual organ / money machine.

Ask her on date. And be humble and honest! Admit you were an idiot.

>>18588748
Thank you. This is more on track.

What should I do if she decides it's over anyway? I seriously haven't been single in almost half my life. I really won't know what to do.

Btw, I probably should've mentioned that my dad died when I was 14 and my mom's actually clinically insane and from another country. I haven't spoken with anyone from my dad's side since he died and I've never really known anyone from my mom's side. I kind of grew up extremely alone. I don't have anyone to get this kind of advice from. Hell, I had to learn how to shave from the fucking Internet.

>>18588768
I have no problem admitting I was an idiot. However, you're making some pretty wild accusations which are pretty inaccurate.

Look, I've clearly displayed that I'm aware of the mistake I made. I'm not retarded so I'm aware of how it branched out into millions of other problems like leading to her insecurities, creating an exponentially expanding rift, and so on but do you really think I've had 72 hours of thinking a million thoughts a minute without experiencing extreme guilt, all the terrible things she likely thinks about me and more importantly herself, how all of this IS my fault...dude, I get it. What I don't get is your anger based off things you've pretty inaccurately assumed. I'm trying to right the wrongs that I have solely created for the both of us instead of wallowing and uselessly drink myself into oblivion like a lot of people would do.

We have health insurance so I'll say this again: I can fix the medical issue. Once fixed why wouldn't I enjoy sleeping with my wife again? I just need to see what people from outside of my own perspective think the best way to work through this first hurdle would be.

>>18588770
>What should I do if she decides it's over anyway?
Poster you responded to here. Just prepare for having a fucking great relationship with your wife. Don't let her leaving be an option, because she's probably walked around wishing for you to address what's not working between you two for fucking two years already. The anons suggesting you ask her out on a date are right, but show her that you're being serious about real change, not just pretending everything is alright, and I bet she'll get excited and supportive. Book an appointment. Do it now. If I had the money I would see a therapist every week, it's such a huge asset to have someone professional to talk to, and change might come faster than you expect. The ED thing is most likely just a downward spiral, which started with shame and not being honest about the shame you felt, like you describe yourself. But the real issue is honesty. Don't be afraid to show your wife that you love her. Give her time to listen. Prioritize doing the little things that'll make her life more easy. Fix those loose hinges on the cupboards that always annoyed her. Start being creative about the ways you show your appreciation. When she trusts that you're being sincere, start sending her sweet and sexy texts during the day. Nothing better to get a woman excited to get home to you, than sending her a text during lunch saying how you can't stop thinking about the way she moves around the bedroom when she's getting ready to start the day, and how much you're looking forward to stroking your hands down her tight curves

Get fun to be around. Laziness is the number one killer of ladyboners - and if you just learn how to relax, her ladylust will wake your manhood

>>18588796
Maybe i sound like being mad at you, but that is simply not the case. All i want you to do, is to tell all of this not to me, but to her. You cant break your marriage by telling the truth (at least in this case).

Start by not overthinking problems and have a honest talk with your wife. Start with apologize. Dont let your ego to make it even worse than it is. I believe if you tell her plus minus all you told us here, you have solid start at bettering things. And dude, do some romantic gestures towards her. Show her she is still your girl number one.

Good luck!

>>18588810
Again thanks. I swear, I've never understood the people who roast the fuck out of people who admit they did something wrong while exclaiming that they know they did in fact do something they know was wrong and are trying to healthily fix it without overinternalizing and turning to others for help. Why help someone who already feels like shit and wants to right a wrong but still ensure they feel like shit?

That's not to say I'm not grateful for everything that's been said. Even from the assholes. There was still useful info in those posts as well so thanks to ALL of you.

I'll just be sitting here hitting refresh.

>>18588833
Has your wife ever said anything about the lack of sex?

>>18588815

I hear you, I wasn't trying to be argumentative. I want to tell her all of this. What sucks is she won't talk to me. I've texted her that I have something important to tell her but she's probably just dismissing it as normal "don't leave me, I love you bae" rhetoric.

The issue as of right now is not being able to tell her the truth. She's said she just needs to be left alone to gather her thoughts and I've already agreed to give her the time she needs. Unfortunately, anything she's been thinking the last few days and will be thinking until at least Sunday won't be done with a pretty key bit of information. I can't text her something of that magnitude when I've already told her I'll give her the space she needs. I'm stuck.

>>18588840
Yes, over the weekend, and once before.

Part of the reason it's been this long is for the first 6 months it was 'pretend there's no problem and it'll go away'. Then the next 6 it was 'what the fuck is wrong with me'. The next was 'try to fix it by yourself, then there's no need to let her know there was a problem, that it was just a rough patch'. Hence the diet, the +50 pound weight loss, and it starting to actually get a little better. The last 6 has been to continuing on the path that is fixing the problem but just not feeling like I'm there yet and worrying about the fact that even if this fixes the problem 'wtf, it's been 2 years how do you explain that as just a rough patch?'

>>18588547
>not having sex in the last 2 years
You fucked up. Dead bedrooms are shit.

Instead of trying to fix your fairly common problems you tried to run away from it. Sex is a good, healthy, and often necessary part of adult relationships. It's not right to date/marry someone and then just not have sex with them unless it's a mutual feeling.

Once you lose passion and intimacy then you're just roommates. And no one really wants to be married to just a roommate.

What you could do at this point is to come clean and tell her that you'll change your lifestyle or seek treatment for your ED, but I don't really blame her for leaving if you haven't been having sex with her in 2 years. jesus fuck. You guys are young, too. Your sex life shouldn't be slowing down until 40s-50s.

>>18588848
1. Friday - Book therapist
2. Saturday - Relax with buddy. Drink brewski, not many.
3. Sunday - Wake early, write wife:

"Hey I know things don't feel right at the moment, but I'm set on treating you like the strong, inspiring and beautiful woman I once fell in love with. I recognize that I haven't been looking after myself in a good while, and that it affects you. You don't deserve that, Amanda (or whatever your name is,) so I'm going to see a therapist to help me figure out my own obstacles, and give myself time to grow into the person I want to be, so that I can become more present in our relationship. It's good that you took some time off, but you should come back home when you feel like we both can leave behind any resentment left from beginning of the week, and meet up ready to see positive change in the way we treat each other. I love you, and after a bit of soul searching, I now know I want to build something new and alive between us. Call me if you want me to pick you up"

4. Everyday - never doubt the power of TLC

>>18588881
I know. Believe I've thought about the roommate angle plenty of times. Also, don't get me wrong it's not that I DON'T want to have sex. Dude, I'm fucking dying here. I've just been trying to keep the focus on the fact that what is more important to me is lifting all of the weight and guilt I'm sure she's been carrying off her and placing it where it belongs. I'm hoping that if I have the opportunity to let her know all of this before she 'decides' whatever she already has been and will be 'considering' that it's not too late. She's sorting everything out but doesn't currently know that all of this not from a lack of emotional connectivity, attraction, and still very strong love. I'm not saying I can't tell her because I'm still too afraid to. I'm passed that. I want to but given the series of events I can't until she at least makes first contact as I've told her I'll give her the space she needs. During that time she'll come to a conclusion that wasn't based off of complete information.

Also, for the record, not wanting to have sex and not being able to are not one in the same. It's fucking terrible. And again, I know one of my many mistakes was my personal neglect not just being relegated to myself.

>>18588929
I've had similar issues with erections. Not with steady partners, but whenever I end up with someone new. It's about a 50% chance I won't get hard or can't maintain whenever I start sleeping with someone, and like my body needs an adjustment period before I can fully trust someone. It's made meeting women stressful, because at one hand I imagine they won't be interested if it doesn't work on the first try, but at the same time the pressure affect my performance, etc.

As I've gotten older (as more years have passed since my onitis) I've come to realize that if I simply tell myself that penis in vagina is optional, not something that has to happen, and just fooling around is fun and pleasant as well, and I focus on her body and what I'm doing to her, there's nothing wrong with my stature - it's mostly mental, so if I'm more concerned about the sensual, how she feels, tastes and sounds like when I'm holding her close with my fingers up inside her-- you get me. It gets easier the less pressure you put on yourself to perform better than the last time you tried, and just enjoy staying in the moment

I guess what it's boiling down to is I just need to chill out, clear my head, find something to occupy my time like a weekend in the mountains, and just hold out until she's back from her trip and makes contact.

It's out of my hands for now and I'll just tell her the next opportunity I have to speak with her and hope she's still willing to do more considering once she's heard the truth.

Thanks again, everyone.

>>18588953
Ok you be the judge on what to do. Good luck, even though you should really be sending some sort of text that makes her expect that you'll be doing the figuring out and the fixing in this relationship, and something new awaits her when she gets home.

In other words, what you tell her might influence in whether she gets home to you or for her bags

>>18588960
Believe me, I've been thinking about the changes that need to be made since before this situation came up. (The initial argument on Monday, I mean.) I didn't due to procrastination and various other bullshit which I'll own no matter what happens. The fault is my own.

I know what needs to be done given the opportunity and I'm totally prepared to carry it all out but I don't want to annoy her and give her further cause to not want to attempt to mend things.

What I plan to do is wait until SHE'S ready to talk and initiates contact and then just tell her everything. At this point I feel that pushing what I have to say onto her will foul everything up and give her a pretense to not care about what I'm actually saying. I don't want to intrude on her necessary personal time out of my own personal desire and incessant need to tell her now regardless of the fact that I agreed to give her the time she needs.

When she talk to me, I WILL tell her. If the truth still falls on deaf ears then there's nothing I can do and I think I need to take the next few days to prepare myself for that very real possibility. Not to the point where I consider it an inevitability and therefore don't give it my all but enough to keep calm and get ready for the actual split and everything it will entail.

I can't force her into a relationship and I wouldn't want to. It'd be more selfishness. I'll just tell her everything when she's ready to talk, hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. I haven't actually thought about what comes next if it's over and I probably should. I've been too caught up in the frustration of not being able to tell her what I need to.

If anyone thinks I should break my word of giving her the time she asked for and just text her everything now then I'll need a bit more justification and reasoning because I think at this point it would just make it worse and make her not care about WHAT I'm actually saying.

>>18588960
I noticed I didn't really touch on the idea of preparing to show her what she'd be coming home to. I think when I tell her the truth I can also tell her the solutions I'm prepared to carry out and not just presenting the problem/explanation for why shit's been so fucked up.

I'm hoping that the explanation will be a relief to her and the solutions I present and show her I'm willing to enact will also display that I'm willing to do the necessary groundwork, that she doesn't have to do it for me, and that I'm actively trying to remedy the problem I've solely created for the both of us because it is my responsibility.

Does this make sense?

>>18589007
>>18589021
It makes sense, but I still think you got it backwards. She's still your wife, isn't she?

I'm going to push the same encouragement on you, but maybe it's time you told us what your previous texts were. Nothing ITT gives us any reason to believe that you've surpassed the point of no return. I get that you don't want to bug her, but you need to realize that no matter your intent and reflection during this week, she doesn't know that there might be a real chance of returning to a relationship where your past problems stay in the past. You might have solutions, but why wait to tell her until she comes home having already made up her mind?

I haven't told you to "tell her everything", I've told you to give her reasons to think that there's some substance to your wish to want to work on the relationship. The text I composed to you got some crucial words, "being present" is one of them. If you show her that you're aware of the issues that SHE experiences, what the issues you are experiencing yourself matters much less to her during this week of separation, than you might think.

The important thing is to give yourself time to show her that you can change, and you won't do that by preparing in silence for a breakup.

>>18589045
Furthermore, there is no rush to come to a final solution - the life lived together will be it. The only thing you're in a hurry over, is aborting her stream of consciousness leading up to her return of unbeknownst character. Give her a reason to hope, not by telling her what the problems of the past two years have been, but rather that you are aware and prepared to work on them and fully open communication between the two of you

You don't want her to have her own agenda when you come clean about the lack of passion - you want her to be supportive and eager to know, so that you can walk the line together. Don't postpone telling her that positive change is what's going to happen, and that you'll include her on the process. You're still in this together