My story

Yesterday (and day before) I met Pearl (she's 22 now).
Nothing has changed, she's same person 4 years ago. We talked what happened 4 years ago. She had really hard time recovering from our last meeting...
Now she has a bf (2 years together).
I never forgot her and I think I did mistake back then. Although last 4 years I felt happy. But might been happier being with Pearl for a lesser time.
What am I whining about?
Before these two girls I never felt need for someone's company. Never was afraid being alone. That's why I don't really make friends nor I keep old ones.
I feel horrible now... Like I have something stuck in my throat, like there's something eating me from inside...
I don't want to be alone anymore...
I'm writing here because I don't have friends.
I'm living alone, renting a flat in the city.
I can't kill myself just yet. My mother has health problems, I don't want to hurt her. My brother and sister (both younger) would deal with it, eventually.
So I have to wait to kill myself.

What I'm asking: how should I spend next year?
Currently what I'm doing:
- getting /fit/
- reading books I always wanted but had no time (philosophy mostly, if have recommendations, go ahead, liked Schopenhauer a lot)
- and improving my programming skill (maybe hobby become a new job)

This is not a joke. I'm not killing myself over girls. I'll kill myself when right moment comes, when my death will cause least pain to others.

Might make this thread annually.
Reporting my progress to death.

Helping me to change my mind would be good too. Currently I don't feel like having anything to live for.

You made the right decision being with Ruby instead of Perl. Perl was naive and didn't know what she wanted. Also you did a good thing, you saved Ruby from a potentially toxic marriage and should be proud of yourself for that. Also being in a relationship doesn't just require a good personality and mutual attraction, it requires maturity that Perl probably just didn't have at the time. I guarantee you if you chose her you would have felt even more heartbroken and much earlier.

You realize this yourself, but your mistake was making your happiness dependent on just the woman in your life. She should be a great source of happiness, but not the only thing that lights up your life. You're doing good now, just continue indulging in things that make YOU happy and working on yourself as a person. It sucks now but a year or two (or maybe MUCH less!) down the road you'll be thankful for choosing life instead of death.

I wish you luck in the future, my friend.

The main problem is that I don't see point of life if it means nothing to me.
I was happy with both of them. Now I don't think I'll be able to be like that.

I had suicidal thoughts before meeting them. Mostly because saw no meaning to live for.
When I met them I felt happiness seeing them happy with me.
Now... The fuck is wrong with me... I always saw myself distant from others, not carrying about others... And now this...
I don't want to feel like this... I don't know what scares me more:
- thoughts that I'll be alone for the rest of my life
- or that I might actually kms now...

Every day is worse than before, I don't feel like doing anything (though, I force myself). I feel miserable more with each new day...

Although, talking with Pearl, I somehow felt better, knowing that she's happy.
Not the smart thing to do: I told her that I want to kms...
Fucking idiot... No one should feel responsible for someone's life... But I had to tell that to someone... I don't usually speak about my feelings, unless I feel weak.
Good thing none of you knows me.