not affectionate- how to learn?

tell him what you told us, boys need to understand girls arent their mommy who give them attention 24/7, takes time to trust someone

>>18581523
This

>>18581513
pop a molly together

Yeah I understand this situation exactly, from the opposite perspective - I'm a guy and have been told I don't show affection enough. Or at all. I don't flirt or anything, so it's difficult to frame myself as a romantic partner if I am always acting platonic with everyone, even girls I'm trying to date

>>18581513
I literally just posted the same question basically, but from the position of the guy in another thread. The girl im with wasn't abused or anything like you have been. Im very patient and loving with her and shes told me she has the same feelings as I do towards her. What is it that you personally find "gross" about being affectionate? If you have feelings for someone what makes it so difficult for you to act on them? Be it physically or even verbally. I dont really understand.

>>18581662
i suggest you stop mentioning "i dont undertand" to her because thats how women develop the idea there might be someone out there who will, look mate, some ppl just dont build close relations easily for one reason or another, you can take it or leave it
being "patient" as if something is wrong with them is the surest way to getting cheated on, accept it, it will get better

>>18581666
Oftentimes when we're in public or with friends I purposely hold back on showing much affection at all towards her since she told me she just isnt an affectionate person. Perhaps if I actually acted on all of my feelings she would maybe slowly do the same. I just don't wanna make her uncomfortable I guess. Thanks for the input though.

>>18581513
You arent compatible with this fine young gentleman. He is a guy who wants to equally give and recieve affection. You think showing affection is gross. Its never going to work out 100%, no matter how long you are both together.

Next time he wants you to reciprocate intimacy explain to him how you think affection is gross. I bet it will bode well with him.

>>18581677
dont listen to women, when they say they are x or arent y
try it, see results, act accordingly in the future, never question what she believes about herself

if she complains you did something she didnt like play dumb or make a joke and soften up the situation, dont start arguements, dont engage in arguements

women are stupid, you are supposed to be the non stupid one

It seems to me that you don't trust him. I was pretty much the same as you, distant and cynical because of history of familial abuse. When I finally met someone who gained my trust, the stuff I had thought of as impossible (vocalizing my feelings, caressing him in public, resting on him etc.) came to me naturally. Try talking to him more. Explain where your issues originate and he may be just understanding enough for you to overcome them together. I know that it's scary to talk about, especially with someone you like, but you can regard it as a litmus test. If he proves to be an insensitive asshole, you can dump him because he clearly doesn't deserve you. You need someone with the right attitude to heal. Or maybe you will find out that you don't enjoy lovey dovey stuff even after all of that (preferences vary, after all) and then you would simply be incompatible. Such is life. Being open is the only way to find out, though. Best of luck.

The best thing you can do is not waste your time and effort being someone (or something) you're not. I'm a man, mid-20s, been around the world and back, and nothing is more insulting than a girl who says certain things or acts a certain way because she thinks it's "what I want to see".

Be yourself. Be comfortable with who you are. Don't be afraid to showcase who you are, company and consequences be damned. This will either improve your current relationship, or open you up for one that allows you to be who you are without fear. Either way, you're welcome.

>>18581678
I think affection is gross because of how I grew up and what I internalized. I know this isn't healthy.
>>18581715
I can agree with not trusting him. It's hard. I'm paranoid about getting hurt. I'll tell him eventually. I almost told him yesterday but it was too hard.
>>18581722
Thank you.

>>18581513
I've been trying to gain a girls trust for over 5 years. She is exactly like you, but I still don't even know her full name, age, occupation nor education etc. We've met couple of times a few years ago though. At this point, she is too nervous to meet. I've asked her out for over 10 times in the last 1,5 years. Haven't completely given up yet, but it's not far away.

>>18581654

Oh yeah, solve real life by simultaneously impairing your judgement and exaggerating your emotions while also running the risk of creating feelings which aren't genuine. What could go wrong?

People like to argue MDMA is used by doctors, its used therapeutically.

Those people are idiots.

>>18581513
Have him spank you hard once a day for awhile

>>18581513
Listen OP
You're clearly able, even if you're willing, to do this affection shit
Just let him go
>i like him
Yeah, no you don't.
You just cling to that thought because he actually likes you
Quit wasting his time, he's too good for you

>>18582057
unable*

>>18581878
Did it ever occur to you she doesn't want you?

>>18581513
This guy sounds creepy to me. Making demands of you already and you aren't even a couple. Wrong guy OP

>>18582068
kek this
>5 years
jesus christ my dude

In fact just stop giving her attention cold turkey. find some other chick. watch her drag her nasty cootch across the floor to try to get you back

>>18582075
>reading comprehension

>>18581523
lol, I'm pretty sure OP is at the complete opposite of the spectrum. she probably is showing less affection than the average SO, which would make any relationship fail. so thats not good advice for her.

>>18582057
How is he too good for me?
>>18582109
He says I show nothing but I thought it was obvious that I like him.

>>18582122
Well, you thought wrong.

Look up that book the Five Love Languages
People have different ways of showing affection, and you don't seem to be showing him any of them

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>>18581878
i hope this isn't serious. jesus, why do people do this shit? how long is it gonna take for you to realize she doesn't want you? fuck man lol

>>18582122
Not that anon, but
He is too good for you because you are broken and he is not. Affection should be something that comes naturally and feels naturally, but damaged people like yourself are caught up in a mechanism that prevents them from being openly loving and affectionate. For most people, and this guy in question too, it's extremely important to experience their partner's genuine love and affection. It's one of the essential foundations of a relationship. He can give it to you but you can't give it to him. It creates unhealthy imbalance that will put your relationship at a standstill and eventually give birth to resentment.

Right now it sounds like you are in a romantic relationship with no romance on your part. How long do you think it will last?

>>18582122
Knowing you like him isn't enough. You have to actively show it throughout the relationship.

He probably feels like he puts in so much effort for you and gets none from you in return. That would make just about anybody sad.

>>18581523
It is really fucking aggravating how some women argue.

>>18582149
Just because one person puts in effort doesn't mean they're entitled to anything back, that's a kinda rapey sentiment

>>18582150
considering women are basically just large children, are you surprised?

>>18582152
You're missing the point

He doesn't want her to be affectionate to him even though she doesn't want to
He wants her to want to be affectionate towards him

Understand the difference?

If you don't naturally want to give back then why are you even in a relationship?

>>18581523
>boys need to understand girls arent their mommy who give them attention 24/7, takes time to trust someone
This is a great thing to say to him, if you want him to break up with you.

>>18581513
If you don't know how to get over your grossed out by affection-ness then go to a therapist

Otherwise just try being physically closer. Hold him randomly. Much like in your OP pic. You must secretly want something like that if you had that pic saved.

>>18582068
>>18582086
>>18582144
she does, I am a perfect specimen and she just feels inferior. Probably for a reason. She told me when we met she was so anxious she could barely say a word.

>>18582122
He's too good for you because you're incapable of providing affection
That's it, full stop.

>not affectionate - how to learn
You're going to sit there and tell me you have no fucking idea how to show affection?
Not even
>it makes me slightly uncomfortable right now but i think i'm showing affection right now

You have literally not specified anything you think you're doing that's supposed to be affectionate
You are a waste of time

>>18582146
We finally addressed the issue yesterday so I want to change. I know that I'm broken, but he doesn't mind. He's been with me for a while despite my attitude towards affection and likes me a lot. I'm willing to try because I do like him.
>>18582149
I'm going to try.
>>18582169
Yeah, I do want that. I think it's cute but can't picture myself doing cute stuff. Cuddling and hugging is easy though. Speaking is hard.

>>18582152
>Just because one person puts in effort doesn't mean they're entitled to anything back, that's a kinda rapey sentiment

Do you want to say that to yourself out loud first?

>one person isn't entitled to any affection in a relationship
What the fuck am i reading

>>18582180
>I am a perfect specimen
Creepy arrogance

>>18582198
You can be affectionate without words. Physical contact is a communication in and of itself.

See >>18582142, your partner probably has Words of Affirmation as one of his if he wants you to talk more

You don't even have to really say lovey dovey shit, just talking about more personal things with him is enough

>>18582209
I thought I was talking about personalshit with him but he really doesn't see it that way :/
I don't understand.

>>18582366
Its been over 6 hours since thread and you still haven't told us what you think you are doing that's supposed to be 'affectionate'

Just let him go

>>18582366
You said in OP that you find it hard to open up to him, so you are aware of some thing you're holding back. He probably can sense that too

>>18582372
No, I can't. I really like him.

We text every day. I told him about how I'm depressed, how I was suicidal, told him about all my insecurities and wishes and goals. Told him how I have NO sexual experience. I thought these were intimate things.
>>18582380
I'll tell him more eventually. I didn't know I had to dump everything. My parents/how I grew up is hard to talk about but I can't really tell him why I'm so unaffectionate because I'm not ready to talk about that.

>>18581513
Just think of the word affection itself. Affection. Affect. Tell him how he affects you.

How do you feel when you see him? Do you get that tingle in your gut? What about when he gets close to you? Do you find yourself staring at a certain feature of his? Does he motivate you do be better at something? Has your personality changed since you met him? Tell him about any or all of that. You shouldn't really find it gross, because you're just telling the truth about how he makes you feel.

Even if you're bad with describing emotions and it comes off as a bit cold and logical, or you seem shy and kind of awkwardly stumble through a jumbled up compliment, he'd probably find it cute as fuck anyways because at least you're making an effort or are so affected by him that you can't think straight

>>18582393
>I really like him
all you've managed to say so far is how you know nothing about giving affection. Literally nothing? you've never watched a movie before?
We're kinda beyond "what can I do that i feel okay with and which he likes" if its at the point where he's considering leaving, you know.

>no sexual experience
that is probably the one thing on that list that contains anything resembling affection
So what are you going to do about it? are you going to work up to being comfortable with sex or are you just going to wait until the next relationship disaster rears its head?

>>18582399
Bro she literally has no fucking idea what affection is, based on what she seems to be saying but unable to put into actual words

>>18582408
No. We are going to work up to sex. He was my first kiss, first date and hopefully I build up enough trust to be able to have sex with him. I genuinely have feelings for him.

>>18582417
That's why I explained it to her in that post you replied to.

>>18582393
>No, I can't. I really like him.
>but I won't give him my affection because muh difficult childhood

He'll dump your ass on his own.

>>18582422
And what, those feelings don't make you want to do anything to/with/for him?
Not fires of passion burning in that beating red heart of yours?
Don't give me the censored, 'that's weird!' version. Lets get something good this time
For instance, when i'm attracted to a girl, i want to immediately be extremely way too close to them.. but i don't because thats not inappropriate so early in a realtionship

So lets have some unfiltered shit to see what we're working with here, because you are giving us as much to work with as you are apparently giving your boyfriend

>>18582423
Sorry, but I'm not convinced that's low level enough for her

>>18582422
And also
>ctrl - f
>touch
>phrase not found

How about you touch him. hold hands and shit. i can't believe I'm needing to say things like this

>>18582424
I said I want to learn though
>>18582427
There's no fire but I'm really fond of him/attached to him. I can really tell when we're arguing/having issues that I care about him a lot. I'm just attached to him, I don't know how to describe it.

>>18582152
>Just because one person puts in effort doesn't mean they're entitled to anything back, that's a kinda rapey sentiment
what the literal fuck am i reading

>>18582541
>I said I want to learn though
Honestly, there are some things you can't learn. If you really like him and yet can't display affectionate behaviour - which should come to you naturally - I don't think "learning" it will help much. I will just look fake and forced.

>I'm just attached to him, I don't know how to describe it
It seems like he is the only person who gives a half shit about you so you leech on him emotionally and use him as your life crutch. Maybe you should rethink your issues, seek therapy or some outlet which would help you to cope with your childhood trauma and what not, and *then* pursue relationships. You are clearly not ready and you are hurting your guy by stringing him along while being frigid and emotionally unavailable.

>>18582665
You're making it seem like I'm a bad person for no reason

>>18583203
you are a shitty person for being in a relationship and giving a guy hope when you are not ready for that and can't normally function within a relationship

>>18583206
And you're an excessively judgmental drama queen who is obviously projecting his own issues with women onto an unrelated discussion, so nobody's perfect

>>18583210
You are the one who comes across as a drama queen now, anon. Relationships are difficult to maintain, even for healthy and well adjusted people. OP has serious issues she needs to sort out first. I understand that she feels lonely and enjoys this guy's attention and affection, but what she is doing now is just selfish and will eventually break his heart. She stated earlier that she finds intimacy gross but when some anon suggested her leaving the guy, her response was obstinate "no, because I'm too attached to him". Don't you see how incredibly egoistic her actions are?

Just because you currently don't know how to be affectionate or intimate doesn't mean your relationship is doomed or your forever destined to be cold to this guy. Sure, it's best to wait for a relationship until you've got a more emotionally healthy foundation, but a relationship can be very healing for people.

Does he know about your past? Beyond just knowing, does he understand and empathize with you and really get what it was like for you to grow up in that sort of environment?

Is it that you're uncomfortable telling him just because you struggle to find the words? Would expressing your feelings in another way be easier to you, like writing a letter or typing an email?

>>18583206
I am trying to be a good girlfriend because I care about him. You've just been bashing me. I'm not leaving.

>>18583254
>I'm not leaving.
lmao
you won't have to. guys never put up long with frigid princesses

>>18583203
Not him but you are a bad person
You're going to have to get over this whole eeeeew i can't do affection thing and there's no way to avoid it. That simple.

>>18581937
They are not though, there are ongoing studies that show some people with social anxiety see major improvement when treated with drugs like mdma/ ecstacy, it puts them in a different mindset that they have not felt before. This helps because they can remember how they felt and emulate that more easily when off the drug.

>>18583268
Either on your own or through therapy. either way, there's no way around it.

>>18583267
>frigid princess
sounds like it

>>18583278
I had a similar experience with a different drug. It helped teach me to enjoy life and wonder at the universe, and eventually those skills and feelings carried over into my everyday life

>>18583306
Don't tell that to that anon though, if it come from a corporation and shills it to your doc, it's ok. But if the gubbmint says it's bad, it can't fix anything

>>18583320
Well I mean I was using cough syrup so I can't bash on pharmaceutical companies too much, but yeah way more people die from properly taking prescriptions than experimenting with psychedelics

>>18582152
0/10 bait

I learned how to be affectionate from TV, no bullshit. The way romance comes together may be a bit unrealistic, but the body language between lovers mirrors real live and is easily replicable. My mom was never the affectionate type and neither were my grandparents so I rarely hugged and kissed growing up and to make matters worse, I was a late bloomer. I didn't have any close physical relationships with women until I was in my mid-20s. I really enjoy touching and even crave for it I just gained experience with it later than other people. For someone who dealt with abuse growing up, it may take a more to get over your hangups. If you feel you have to force it and don't actually enjoy it, you might get tired and pull away from your bf.

>>18583370
Not OP here
Still a wizard neet but thats basically where i 'learned' too just haven't put it into practice yet
no i dont mean porn either faggots

> My mom was never the affectionate type and neither were my grandparents so I rarely hugged and kissed growing up and to make matters worse, I was a late bloomer
>tfw asian family
kek

i'm a KHHV still so i still yearn for that physical intimacy and affection lol

>gets shout at every now and then
>oh yeah I totally grew up in an abusive household

>>18583474
Why do you feel OP is exaggerating?

>>18583370
> I rarely hugged and kissed growing up
Wtf, that literally NEVER EVER happened to me within my family.

>>18583491
Well we know you're definitely not asian then.

>>18581513
You sound like my GF when we first started dating.

Look, you don't have to drag him into the bedroom and suck him off or anything, but maybe just cuddle with him the odd time and make sure you lay out the boundaries. if you're not comfortable with kissing,then tell him. Maybe give yourself some challenge lines for intimacy(work with that with him and get him involved), and I guarantee you that when you're on top grinding him or going in for the big moment of popping your cherry, he won't think you're neutral or angry anymore.

>>18583491
My dad (bless his beta heart) was very affectionate. He was abandoned by both his parents so he kinda overcompensated with the affection and love. My mom had a narcissist mother who never hugged or kissed her or showed any kind of affection and a dad that worked over the road so he was never around. I had relatives who were much more affectionate and as I got older my mom kinda mellowed out on the mommy issues and started to show a bit more love. It still feels kinda weird to hug and kiss her but I do it anyways because I do love her. It's crazy because it doesn't feel weird to hug, kiss and touch women who aren't my mom at all. Like in a sexual or intimate manner I have to be careful not to let the floodgates open too much and perve out on women there's still a bit of a block on feeling like I'm unwelcome in such close personal space. I hope to meet someone who understands me and is patient with me. I've killed the last few promising relationships I've had due to pure inexperience and idiocy.

Then do other thinges to at least show that you're still interested. Get tickets to a movie he wants to see, go out of your way to spend a little time with him. If you think you'll be able to be affectionate in the near future then tell him you're working up to that and in the mean time just settle for showing that you care about him. TL;DR find ways to show him that you want him to be happy and have a conversation about how you feel right now.

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>>18582180
i really hope that pedestal you have yourself on is comfortable, because you've been up there alone for 5 years and with your attitude, you will remain up there alone lmao

>>18583657
>floodgates
as a KHV wizard, I know this feel

>>18583718
underrated


>>18583697
I don't think she knows what things are affectionate and what arent
It's kinda sad really. and embarrassing for us to actually have to put out specific steps/ideas into words
Esp when all she's given us is that affection feels icky
bitch can't even help us help her

>>18583735
Why are you so bitter?

>>18583894
I'm bitter because she's knowingly or unknowingly, hindering our ability to help her by being vague

I'd love to give her pointers, but she seems like she needs a therapist more than good honest peptalk from internet strangers

>>18581513
The girl I'm seeing is similar, but with that being said I'm also more sensitive than a lot of guys. I like positive reinforcement. I don't think my gif is doing something wrong because I'm aware that everyone has different ways of expressing themselves. When does express it however it makes it all the more meaningful.

>>18581513
>>18581523
Then break up. It doesn't even sound like he is bringing up sex in the picture, just cuddling or stuff like that. If you can't even do that then he might as well be dating a tree.

>>18581513
Update, OP?

>>18581513
You realize by not giving him affection you're just going to drive him away right???

I'm in a relationship with a girl who feels like even giving me a smidge of affection would be "changing her personality" and i cant fucking take it anymore, she makes happy when we hang out like friends but holy fuck when i want some affection its just redirect every shot of affection i try to throw at her

I feel like im dating someone who just wanted a friend and thats it

>>18583718
I actually am very comfortable. I am developing much more as a person this way compared to when I had my last relationship. It's like extra motivation to get shit done.

>>18583956
I'm not being vague. I've been very clear.
>>18584651
Nothing has changed. He's being patient with me.

>>18585237
>nothing has changed
but you said he felt like ending whatever is going on between you two
so.. still ending then?

I'll break this down for you
>He wants affection and I'm not affectionate at all. It grosses me out basically
You get over this nonsense on your own or you go to therapy
there's no way around it
It's either that, or enjoy the sight of his ass as he walks away from you
Don't think it won't happen either just because he's super sweet right now. Years of it will be draining, and when that one qt he only considers a friend starts showing interest and ignites that fire of passion in him.. well all you're offering is frigid indifference

>>18585297
>>18585237
Just to be clear, i do want to help you, but you're not exactly taking big enough steps. We're a little beyond baby steps if you're here in a panic about him potentially leaving lol
Just start being affectionate with him - i don't fucking care if you find it gross.

>>18583278
I overcame horrible ptsd through having mdma, would recommend. Also can improve bonds with people and there's no filter when speaking.