what to do at a party

>>18547663
1 get drunk
2 chat up boys and or girls
http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/conversation

The easiest way how to talk is to ask them questions. People love to babble about themselves.

If you dont want to talk to people there, why do you even bother going there?

>>18547719
Esp. last night I was terribly drunk
However, being drunk usually doesn't make me more social. It makes me more reckless in a number of ways (in terms of doing silly or cringey shit) but it doesn't really make it easier for me to talk to people. Also, whenever I've been drunk, on the next days I falways feel horrible guilt. Bc I'm afraid I might have offended sb. or made an ass of myself for lack of self control.

I know how to have a conversation. I even like to think I'm very good at having conversations. But my anxiety blocks me from starting a conversation with someone if I don't happen to know them really well.
I get these panic attacks where I think "oh they just think I'm a friendless loser" or "they'll only be annoyed if I say hi" or w/e.
In general, I'm just so afraid to do anything wrong and leaving a bad impression on people that I totally panic.

I go to parties to meet new people, but it never works because I shut myself off while there. And no matter whether I'm sober or drunk or high or on other drugs I just can't open myself up to others or start a conversation or just have some small talk. And I want to know how to learn to overcome this anxiety and the panic attacks.

Holy shit OP it sounds like me. Only it's more the inability to have normal conversations than fear or rejection in my case, or at least equally.

I hope I don't have social anxiety (never got diagnosed and I would hate the diagnose as I don't like classifying myself into disorders), I got diagnosed with OCD though.

I don't really have panic attacks, I just feel bad constantly. And I'm the same regarding alcohol. It doesn't fucking help me be more normal at all, fuck this advice. I behave differently, but not more socially, and as soon as I go back home I feel horrible and ruminate about my social problems exaggerating everything. Bet most drugs would also not work; I need something stronger than drugs to break out of my shell. I don't know whether partying and all that shit is for me. Maybe not. Maybe fuck it I'm tired of this all.
But I still want to develop normal social skills and get social contact so I'm thinking about joining therapy groups or some club devoted to rhetorics, public speaking and expressing yourself like toastmasters; hopefully it'll help.

>>18547930
hearing a story of someone with a similar problem always helps, so thank you for sharing!

i don't know if I have "social anxiety" either. I didn't know that "social anxiety" is an actual disorder. English is not my native language, I just figured the term would best describe my feelings.
Indeed, I've been to (behavorial) therapy before but it didn't really help anything. But maybe it's for you? Idk.
When I was in my teens, I often times acted on stage in school plays and also in non-school acting clubs. I was pretty good so I even played a couple of lead roles. Stuff like that has somehow never been all that troublesome. That's why I enjoyed it so much. I think the fact that on stage everything follows a distinct set of rules makes it easier for me. Idk. I've also played in bands (or rather, sung, as I'm a vocalist) and I have never been anxious about that.

My anxiety only kicks in when I'm in social situations that don't follow any particular ruleset. Like, when you get together with others just because and not because you share a common hobby or sth. Sadly, vast majority of social gatherings don't revolve around a specific interest or hobby. So I'm lost at the vast majority of social gatherings.

Also, despite being quite the nerd I actually like having conversations about all kinds of things instead of only about certain niche topics.

I don't know. Not only alcohol doesn't help, but other stuff doesn't help either (mdma, ecstasy, shrooms). It makes me feel all kind of stuff, but my social shyness is never influenced by them.

I often have nightmares about this, too. Where I'm trapped in situations that are apparently super easy to resolve, but I'm paralyzed and not able to do something about these situations. Just like with my anxiety in social situations. It sounds a little tacky, but if I were to describe it, it feels more like I'm possessed by a demon than anything. I don't feel like being "shy" is a personality trait of mine.

Chiming in as someone who has been in the exact same situation, and been able to overcome it somehow.

Like you, I could hold a decent conversation with a person, but always found it hard to connect to new people. I still find it challenging, but I've figured how to do it when I want/need to.

Here's what worked for me:

First of all, you need to stop caring what other people think. Truth is, you'll only see most of these people once in your life. If you make an ass in front of a person, there's still a couple of billion other people you have an opportunity to do better with.

Realize that your mistakes literally DO NOT MATTER. They have no ultimate consequence, other than the immediate awkwardness and anxiety. Which brings me to a important point; MAKE AS MANY MISTAKES AS YOU CAN. The more mistakes you make, the less you'll feel anxious and awkward the next time one happens. NO ONE JUDGES YOU AS HARSHLY AS YOURSELF. If you laugh about it, no one will care or remember.

>>18548002
I "know" that my mistakes do not matter. But somewhere deep in my heart it still feels just as crushing to make them. What did make you not only understand that mistakes do not matter but also feel like they do not matter?

As long as I'm not in a stressfull situation, I have no problem acknowledging that mistakes don't matter at all. But as soon as I am in such a situation, it's not enough to "know" that they do not matter. It needs to feel like they do not matter bc I can not think straight or convince myself while in these situations.

Also, even apart from that. I feel like my self respect is deeply tied in with the fact that I feel like I do really well in social situations. However, the only reason I do well in social situations is because I run away from any occasion that might end akwardly. E.g. in my whole life I've only been on like 4 dates exactly because of this.

>>18548017
>What did make you not only understand that mistakes do not matter but also feel like they do not matter?
Actually making the mistakes over and over again and not stopping to think about them. That's important - stop overthinking your mistakes after they happen

>It needs to feel like they do not matter bc I can not think straight or convince myself while in these situations.
Yes, I know. That's anxiety for you. You cannot get rid of anxiety without facing your fears. And, yes, you're still going to feel like fucking dying when you do, but have to do it regardless

>I feel like my self respect is deeply tied in with the fact that I feel like I do really well in social situations
Read that again. You're asking advice on how to handle social situations because you're NOT HAPPY with how you're doing it. You shouldn't be proud with how you're currently handling them - you should be proud because you're willing to do something to improve it

>>18548017
Something else that might help: go into the anxiety inducing situation with a full expectation that you will fail. Actually do your best to MAKE IT FAIL.

Start slow - pick someone you don't care a about and that you know you won't see again

>>18548044
you're right with everything. but the advice is not specific enough to be helpful to me. maybe no advice on here could potentially be specific enough to help me... but maybe it could. Ah, I don't know. What I do know is, that I have pushed myself countless times. I've been to just as many parties as your average college student, if not more. Even though they are hardly ever nice experiences to me. But I can't seem to get better at enjoying parties.
However, not attending parties is not really an alternative. Because it's the number one social activity everywhere and being completely alone and abandoned is still worse than going to parties without enjoying them.

I think the biggest problem is, I'm not able to do a step by step list for how to approach my social fears. I'm just not able to really grasp what my problem actually is or where it stems from. All I know is that I'm not able to simply talk to someone. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I literally am not able to do it for some reason. It's like it's not my choice to decide whether or not I engage in a social activity but instead it's a choice that some higher superpower makes and I have to obey.

>>18548061
>But I can't seem to get better at enjoying parties.
I still hate parties

>being completely alone and abandoned is still worse than going to parties without enjoying them
I find there's a balance there. Parties are not the only way to socialize, but they're good for expanding your social circle - so you get people you can meet OUTSIDE the parties

>I'm not able to do a step by step list for how to approach my social fears
>I'm not able to simply talk to someone
>it's a choice that some higher superpower makes and I have to obey
Yes, these are all excuses, and you're already aware of that. However, that's not to mean they are bad excuses. If you have literally tried your best to overcome it (remember: start small, make a list of objectives), and this is weighting you down a lot, it's probably time to find professional help.

A therapist can help you find a step by step plan tailored to your specific circunstances. Make no mistake though, it'll still be hard as fuck. Such is the nature of anxiety

>>18548070
I've been to therapy before. Mainly because of a depression I had, but we also talked alot about this stuff. However, my therapist couldn't really help me at all. I think he didn't even get what my problem was. Because I don't really appear to be a shy person at all.
I really wish there was a more simple way of engaging with other persons that came before speaking. So I could start smaller or sth.

>>18548087
>I think he didn't even get what my problem was
The way you described it ("it's a choice that some higher superpower makes and I have to obey") makes it pretty clear you're suffering from anxiety disorder. It's weird that they didn't pick it up - maybe they didn't have training on dealing with anxiety, or you didn't describe it fully there

>I really wish there was a more simple way of engaging with other persons that came before speaking
Sure there are.
Pick a person you don't care about. Walk close by.
Pick another. Wait until they make eye contact and smile or nod.
If you have a bar area, sit down and order a drink. You're right next to a person you can engage with. Pretend your phone is dead and ask them the time

If these are too easy, pick harder. Just keep doing it and work your way up.

>>18547663
I'm about to give you the very best advice for this situation. Here it is: give up, give up on all of it. You're trying to find happiness through other people instead of through yourself. Why are you going to places you know you dont fit in trying to get other people to like you instead of going to places where you're happy? The point is to be who you are, not who you want. Live life for YOU and only YOU. Never ever try to please others, only please YOURSELF. Go only where YOU want to go, and do only what YOU want to do. Be who you were made to be and friends, real friends, will naturally emerge. Quit going to those dumb ass parties, go to the park or to an old school arcade instead, or the river, or bowling, or bike rides, or hiking; Just pick something that makes you happy and gets you out the house. Go there every chance you get, NOT to meet people, but just to relax and enjoy yourself. Good luck, anon, one day things will change.

>>18548125
ah I see! I never knew whether or not my anxiety was an actual "anxiety". But I guess it makes sense. Maybe it could be helpful to read up some stuff on what anxiety in general is, because it's really confusing what it really is to myself. I probably didn't find the right words in therapy. This "higher superpower" metaphor is something that only now came to my mind. Not being able to communicate my experience is maybe the biggest issue. Bc if I can't make my problem clear to myself, I don't know how to deal with it.

You're right, there are ways to engage with people. I should maybe really make it my goal to interact with people on purpose just for the sake of interaction, not for any particular reason or desired outcome. Didn't really think about it like that before.

Thank you for providing so many opinions on this! It really helps me think clearer about my own problem!

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>>18547828
What you describe
>panic attacks
are just strong emotions of fear. Everybody has/had them. When i was young teen, i would have troubles talking to strangers unless i really had to.

Your cure is combination of
>not being yourself
>doing opposite of what your brain tells you
>faking it until you make it
>practice makes perfect
>forcing yourself out from comfort zone
>getting older
Basicaly decide if the struggle is worth it and then act like it. And ALWAYS presume they want to talk with you. No apologizes or hesitations allowed.

Everybody goes through this (maybe super obnoxious extroverts dont). Just dont think and do it.

Good luck!

>>18548153
I don't think I truly dislike these parties. I think I'm not comfortable at those parties because I have this fear inside of me. Not because I hate all the people there.
Despite my social anxiety, I still think of myself as a very social person. I can have fun being alone, but I have like a thousand times more fun enjoying any activity together with others.

>>18548153
Here's to give you an example. I graduated college a few months back and am still unemployed, i did everything everyone else told me to and it made me miserable because i knew their ideas wouldnt work but i just had to do them because i just had to please. I finally lost it and decided im tired of doing it their way, i'll do it my own way. Well i didnt want to make myself miserable too so i finally thought of what makes me happy and how i can incorporate them into my journey to finally get my career started. It came down to two very simple things: Driving my car and helping others (not pleasing, helping). This has lead to me volunteering at my local nursing home and attending job fairs all over my state. Not only do i get to do what i love but i'm surrounding myself with people who share my beliefs and goals. The ones who made me miserable told me what im doing is pointless but ive already started leaving them behind. Ive never been this happy in my life.

>>18548179
If you're happiness relies on others then you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.

>>18548207
everyones happiness relies on others.
people aren't made to live in isolation. people are social beings.

>>18548206
that's great!

>>18548238
Yeah, that doesn't mean base your happiness off of what they think.