So I have spent years abusing my body and mind, a few months

You can only get help if you WANT to be saved, stop being selfish. You're friend and family LOVE you, want you to get better, even if you don't. Best thing you can do is try to fix your addiction, if not for yourself, than for those around you. What is the point of making them suffer too, Your injury is just that, a injury. You might suffer, but making your friends and family suffer is wrong. Don't take this as me saying "Just kill yourself" because that will only make things more painful for those around you, not you. Because when its all said and done, they will have to bury you, not you. Get help, even if you don't feel like it will do anything, do it for those you care about, and those who care about you.

>>18544505
Please mind my grammar mistakes

>>18544505
Trying to work towards finding my medium where I can stand up and say something is wrong. The biggest problem I come to is in only six months I went from a half gallon of vodka every two days or so to clean shaved and clean liver with nothing to want for, back to the gutter. In six months my family and friends saw me come out of nowhere at an all time low, flip 180 and become a new person, and now they all just wonder where I went. The motivation comes like a shotgun blast, or a marathon sprinter. Either way I can never stay in the zone for any period of time.

>>18544529
I understand that, really I do. What worked for me is I stop caring about what people thought of me, and got help. I started letting the people I care about back in my life (albiet one person at a time, starting with my parents) and started looking for people to help me, for me it was one of those weird online chatrooms full of horny teenagers, and I wouldn't recommend it. Don't worry if you look like a hot mess, don't worry about what they think of you, get help then find a medium.

>>18544549
You hit the nail on the head, I do care to much what others think. In highschool and collage I was the ass hat that didn't care. I did what I liked I said what I wanted, the typical edge lord. Then I moved out on my own lost a few jobs and left a lot of people behind, I shut myself off from the world and while I thought I was still in charge of my own little slice of life I shunning myself. Driving around town music blasting and honking at joggers morphed into only leaving my bed to buy alcohol. I got to a point where I would drive an extra 10 miles beacuse I thought the cashier at my normal liquor store would try and talk to me. I have lost all confidence. The trait I knew I had, the abilty to "dance like no one is watching". It was a quality I picked up young and natural others are drawn to that. I may have not been friends with every I met but at least I could hold a conversation. Now I force myself to make eye contact. I want to be that person again I do, I just dont know whats stoping me from changing. I don't want to be like this anymore yet I don't feel like I deserve to get better. I don't even know if this makes sence to anyone. Thanks for letting a random autismo vent.

>>18544614
Well you welcome. I don't know how to help you change, because that's only something you can do. I hope you're able to get out of your depression, I know it's hard but hopefully you'll figure it out. And maybe one day you can help someone else get out of their depression. Good luck OP.