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Anonymous
Dealing with the past 2017-07-22 12:11:01 Post No. 18544398
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Dealing with the past 2017-07-22 12:11:01 Post No. 18544398
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It's not as bad as it sounds like, but since I became adult I keep remembering things I did as a kid and as a teenager. I was a stupid autistic little shit and I'm very ashamed of how I was and things that I did.
At school I bullied some people and I was a brat to the adults. I remember hitting girls and even my own friends. Teachers tought I was a clown who just wanted attention and they were always punnishing me. Then I entered high school. I guess it could have been worse, but I was bullied in it a lot for liking Pokémon. During a couple of years I was the butt-monkey of the entire course, even people from other clases laughed at me. It was a hell that I couldn't stand knowing that I deserved it.
I guess everything is fine now. I work and study hard, I don't see my classmates anymore around, and I do keep contact with the friends I made. But they know all of this. Everyone does. I'm proud of having changed (it's not like i'm perfect now, but I do gained a lot of common sense) but each time I think about my past, how people might see me and how they think of me, it's like physical pain. Even more, not only it makes my anxious but furious too. It's like I assume that all of my old classmates think that they're above me when they were a bunch of assholes and whores who should feel sorry for what they did to me as I do for what I did to other people.
It's not as easy as just stop caring, and I can't change it (I would kill to), is it common this problem? How can I deal with it?
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>>18544398
For how common it is,the answer is very. It's one of the most common recurring issue in people, remembering autistic shit they did in the past. I don't think people really get over it.
If it actually is affecting your quality of life (constant dwelling, losing sleep, etc) then you'll want to talk to a psych about it. If not, the best thing you can do is basically tell yourself that you're doing alright now and learned from the past.
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>>18544453
I tried to make amends with a few people that I don't usually see. It actually worked for the first ones I think, but one of them told me everything was ok and the next year she was bad-mouthing me to one of my cousins (which she didn't know he was).
Before finding this out, last person I talked to, we were on a train so I tried to approach and start a casual conversation. I was told that I didn't change at all after all these years after high school. That was like a stab.
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