Is my mother emotionally abusive?

Your mother doesn't sound like a very healthy adult to be around and be dependent upon. Some of them aren't. I'm not going to reel off a list of what children should be like and what parents should be like because to do so denies reality and the agency of the individuals living within it. It ultimately is an unhelpful way to look at the world.

You are going to have to look past what your mother should be like in your head because this is something outside of your control and will just reinforce the idea that you've lost something or been denied something or deprived in some way. You can't go back and change the past. You can't really guilt trip her or manipulate her into behaving any way other than how she is going to behave. Expectations and the fact they are unmet is often the cause of problems within a relationship.

Equally while it would be nice for her to let go of what her expectations of a son are, and to stop guilt tripping you and using negative motivation to try and shame and manipulate you into behaving a certain way (which is impossible to fulfil because her issues relate to not having control, feeling chaotic herself, trying to live up to an imaginary ideal which is not based on reality) she might not do so at this point in her life.

Basically let go of expectation and obligation. Acknowledge that the past is done, accept the present for what it is and know the future can be changed if you take ownership over the things you can influence. Be strong and consistent over those things, pay extra attention to the positive and creative things and you can take solace in the fact that you did the best you could and acted with wisdom beyond what you've so far been shown as an example. Don't try to gain anything from what you've lost, or been denied or try to capitalise on some form of weakness or regret because this will just leave you weaker and more childlike in the end.

>>18544169
Anyway if I take this out of the long protracted wordy waffle and relate it back to my own experience. I grew up with my parents who divorced when I was 9. It was a messy separation involving the dissolution of a house which was in the process of being built still. My mother left and could have been described as very selfish and my father became overwhelmed by the shell of a house and the loss of everything that he'd been working towards and retreated into being a control freak.

So he never finished the house. He just worked and slept and complained as to what a selfish bitch my mother was and how she had made him a laughing stock of the whole town. I grew up in this fucked house with no heating, very few working things (unfinished bathroom, missing windows, concrete rooms without paint or carpet, kitchen with an open subfloor and microwave, no other form of cooking).

I spent as little time as possible at home and eventually I think because his world was shrinking more and more my father started to accuse me of being just like her, abandoning him, refusing to contribute or help him, treating him like a fool, treating the house like a hotel. He started to lock food away, sabotage the appliances that worked, throw away my stuff when I wasn't around to defend it.

By age 17 we were openly fighting. He'd slap me around the head without warning. Accuse me of all sorts of things. I went home as little as possible, slept in old cars, broke into the house when he was away to get things. I became on and off homeless around that age.

So I had a lot of regret surrounding my childhood. I spent the next few years moving from squat to squat, sleeping on peoples sofas until they got sick of me, quickly moving in with ANY girl who'd take pity on me until I pissed them off because I was drinking constantly, taking drugs whenever offered and generally living a chaotic life.

At the time I was happy to drift and stay fucked up. I had vague hope that I'd just die soon.

>>18544178
My point is my father was not a good adult to be dependent upon or be around. I wasn't great either, preferred to be out, preferred to be fucked up even at a young age, quick to remind him that normal people don't do this and push his buttons highlighting what a failure he was acting like. Both of us were dysfunctional and our relationship was built upon what things should be like without any awareness of what things were actually within our control and any desire to use those things in a positive way to improve the situation.

Spending several years upset at the hand life had dealt me made me weaker. I had a sob story and it was a powerful one allowing me to gain sympathy and access to shelter, but it did nothing to make me a more capable individual able to actualise as a person with positivity. It was backwards looking, reductive, it made me a victim and prolonged my relationship with drugs, alcohol and destructive people.

Eventually I didn't die. Eventually I had to just let go of everything in the past. I had to accept that my father did the best he could under the circumstances and the past wasn't going to change. If I wanted a better future I had to look towards the things within my control and start to address what I wanted from life. I had to let go of something which was really massive, my victim complex and just be like "oh, ok cool. I'm done with that".

It kind of worked like that. I ignored my father for 7 years, but eventually got in touch. At first he was immediately back to his old self, blaming me for not getting in touch, blaming me for abandoning him, asking me what sort of son would do this.

I just didn't play the games. Kept our interactions on my terms. Repeated that I wasn't interested in the past because it was done, but a relationship in the future is dependent upon us doing things which we both want to do. Eventually he stopped bringing up the past and while we only meet twice a year or so, we have a solid friendship as adults.

>>18544190
So for you in your situation I'd encourage you to never get started on what things are supposed to be like. You are being given an example of that behaviour by your mother and you can see where it leads, frustration and a short temper because ultimately it is outside of your control and focused upon what the world has failed to give you, how it has let you down.

Focus on the positives like having a foundation from which to build a life. Having a home and household within which you can be a force for positive change as long as you hold to your ideals.

Ask your mother what you can do to help. As much as it pisses you off don't play the games. Ask her if you can look at the root causes of these problems together. Ask if you can improve these problems and if you can't shrug and let them go, encourage her to be more of a rational and pragmatic person. I don't know what is going on with your father, but if he isn't around she might be feeling like she is trying to do too much alone, she might not be used to not having a strong male figure to help hold things in a straight line.

Move out and move on if it doesn't improve. Put some distance between you and maybe try again later on down the line when the obligation of having to be dependent upon her is no longer hardening your encounters.

>>18544201
Thank you. I never thought of things this way, and I think I'll try to do so in the future.

OP do you have a Job?

Having one at 19 is essential to moving forward in life- it gets you out of the house, into a usual schedule, and gives you the means (the $$) to move out.

It sounds like you do need to move away from your mum- my parents became pretty toxic around 18 years old, I had to save up and move as to avoid killing myself over it.
(It's sad, we were a really happy family up until that)
My parents still have their issues but I no longer am involved and can focus on myself.

>>18544704
Yeah, I'm working part-time at a grocery store. Trying to save up to move out to some studio apartment.

>>18544122
I'm not surprised she acts this way, having to deal with someone like you without losing it is nearly impossible.

>>18544814
Then how would I go about fixing things?

>>18544826
Just stop being the way you are. Try to become a stronger person mentally, find some source of positivity in your life instead of whining around. If you really are useless, help around house more. If you are a loser - work on your success harder and stop being a quitter. Your mother is not the best at parenting, but I understand where she's coming from. Life won't coddle you, so why would she? You are an adult man now, and meme depression aside, you should be more asertive in your choices and much less spineless.

>>18544838
I agree. Life won't and shouldn't coddle me, and I've been trying to become a stronger person. Thanks, man.

>>18544847
Good luck m8. Try to improve your life as best you can but don't take your mother's words too seriously. She's probably trying to motivate you to become more proactive and confident in her own inept way. You'll be fine.

>>18544122
You're mother is too retarded to realize that the reason you're worthless is because she has failed as a mother. You have to get away from her as soon as possible and do your best to start raising yourself. You have to deprogram yourself and start building up the person you want to be. Detach from your old life and just start over. Kill yourself in a metaphorical sense and begin as you're own guide. Get successful and the slap her in the mouth with your dick, metaphorically.

>>18544867
You're right. I need to get out and get stronger as well.

>>18544169
>>18544178
>>18544190
>>18544201

Not OP but in a similar situation and your solid advice really helps me. Thanks anon!

>>18544122

strength is not being unaffected by problems.

strength is working through your problems even though they are difficult. if you want to be strong all it takes is commitment. its hard to get the motivation to do some things, but here is the thing: you don't need to be motivated to do anything.

OP here.

Thank you all so much for the advice, anons! This has been bothering me for years now, and I think I have a good foundation of where to start on improving things.

First off, I'm definitely moving out. I need to become more responsible and mentally stronger as an adult.

Second, and this is going to be difficult, I'm going to completely break contact with my family for a while. Living with my parents has given me a significant amount of stress, and I think that breaking off ties for now would be a good way to not only reduce my stress, but prove my independence from them.

>>18544814
Bit of a sidetrack, but I've thought a lot about what you said, and after much debate, I think I actually have to disagree with you.

I'm afraid of being seen as some whiny, emo brat, and while I'm certainly not perfect, I don't think I'm deserving of her insults.

I can be extremely messy, lazy, disrespectful, unorganized, and impulsive. However, I do my part around the house. When she asks me to do something, I do it. No questions asked.

She has even said that as long as I clean up after myself, keep my job and helpout every now and then, that I'm doing my part. Essentially, she has told me that what I'm doing is enough.

That is, until she gets angry. Then out comes the insults, bringing up past mistakes, making false accusations, etc.

In summary, I disagree because she has contradicted herself on this front, and numerous others, many MANY times. She may not be emotionally abusive, but I don't think she is rational.