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Hello I need some advice for friend. She calls me every other day venting about her boyfriend who she is living with and how they fight often she tells me she feels like he is constantly treating her unfairly because he remains married to someone who is living in another state that also has a child with him in his house he payed for. She said he told her that him and his wife are just friends who coparent a child. she tells me how he is depressed most of the time also how him not being able to go visit his daughter on the weekends because of his respect for her is contributing to his depression. She asked if I thought if she was being selfish cause she didn't want him sleeping in the same house as his wife. She says since he hasn't been able to see his daughter he hasn't been wanting to do things with her and sleeps most of the day. I asked if he atleast told his wife about her he told her he didn't but that his wife knew he was having an affair but doesn't know that they are in a relationship. She also said he was planning on a divorce but hasn't filed any separation yet. I told her it seems like he is trying to keep her a secret and to not trust him as of just yet. I'm also going to mention that she told me she snoops in his phone and seen he constantly is deleting everything but she once read a message of a convo of him and his daughter that him telling her how he doesn't like going to the beach alone when he is actually with her and how this message had imprinted on her that she now feels as though she isn't important to him. I had told her though if he isn't willing to atleast tell his wife about them then to leave him but she keeps bringing up the only reason he hasn't because he hasn't been with her long and that he doesn't want to impact his daughters life. I don't see why she continues to stay with him especially since she doesn't seem happy and they are always having problems. I'm not sure what other advice I should give her.
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You can't fix everyone's lives. Keep your stance that you don't approve of this scenario. She is the other woman. Her boyfriend has not informed his wife that he is no longer in a relationship with her. Sure, they aren't legally separated. But it sounds like they aren't solidly socially separated either.
You don't need to make your friend see how ridiculous this is. You just need to make sure that she knows that you think it's ridiculous. There's a difference. You're putting a lot of energy to try to save her from this. In the end, it's her responsibility. If you're sick of hearing about it, be a broken record. "I don't think it's a good idea to stay together when he doesn't respect you nor your "relationship"." Whenever she complains, just say, "You should leave him." When she asks what she should do, say "You should break up."
The nosy part of me wants to know details, though. This doesn't really add up. Why can't he see the daughter during the day and come home at night? Why can't the daughter come to him? Why does your friend think it's appropriate to keep him from seeing his daughter? How long has he been living separately from his wife? How did they decide on him moving out if the wife thinks they're still together? If they aren't still together, then why would a different relationship need to be secret and be called an "affair"? How long has he and your friend lived together? How long have they been dating? Why do they live together if they aren't serious enough to be public? How old is the daughter? How would being honest about what's going on negatively impact the kid anymore than their situation already has?
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