I'm considering how to go about my life/killing myself

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>>18532456

2/4
>> Not sexually active, nor do i delude myself into thinking that i'd be an attractive partner socioeconomically for the quality of woman that i'd find compatible emotionally for my age
>>My libido is at an all time low, haven't had sex in 2 years though i fantasize about it sometimes.
>>I do get aroused but I do not see any purpose in dating a girl when my sexual faculities are compromised, my own inability to meet my past performance standards cause my pride to disregard any relationships as soon as they may begin to sprout. Emotionally it would be nice, but it feels so mentally alien with the culture of mainstream feminism and race traitor dindu fucker.
>>Strange double standard of not wanting to feel inadquate, yet knowing i am currently inadquate that has me in a state of limbo misery.
>>I figure this will probably make me a full blown sadist later on
>>I do want to raise a child, i don't care so much about having to maintain a wife due to the above..Have given up on having real happiness in my life for the mostpart, want to live for the dream of giving my future potential children a chance.

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>>18532462

3/4

>>Fastciotomy Surgery for comaprtment syndrome, chronic in both lower legs in all three compartment (2014) Didnt resolve it

>>25 doctors, 12 specialists over 10 years i have seen including massage, physio, rehab, sports specific, etc etc many many tests and mris later has me in a state of perpetual pain if i do not sucuumb to drug relief.

>>It turns out i am genetically predisposed to having poor circulation. This effected my legs, causing tremors lasting an hour having taking a 5 minute stroll down the block. I have it now in my back, paraspinal, forearms, chest, abs, basically everywhere and i have to take meds.
>>For a few years i would take Naproxen 500mg x 2 ED to 'take the edge off' my muscle tightness from going about my day. Add Tramadol at night 200mg and ADD medication Dexedrine 30mg x 2 ED and you get the picture.
>>I want to settle down already, i understand as i get older this dehibilitation will get worse.

Go on.

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>>18532470
4/4


>>I understand life is unfair and that i need to evaluate willpower and why i am where i am.
>>extremely quiet about my constant headaches, back pain, and limitations even to parents, (Semi retired whom i lived with)
>>I Understand that the past is the past, i will never be ever again who i was, and who i may naturally would have become provided my lower middle class upbringing, barring the circumstances.
>>Still I want to improve
>>I want to relate to people as a social animal
>>I gave up on these prospects before being diagnosed back in 2010-2014 and was a calculating machine, i ran a few businesses, had a girlfriend, etc. Working out was torture, going out with friends was torture, my body always hurt, and i never felt strong physically once. I remember the constant paranoia, there was generally nobody who i trusted because i would externally shrug off anybody asking about my pain in public. I was working in leadership positions hired by my college at the time, had iron willpower, and met responsibilites. Despite this, i never had any friends, and my girlfriend i ended up ending things because i was worried it was getting too serious.


>>Recently, a girl, the sister of my close neighbourhood friends in my inner circle of friends killed herself, i had known her since she was 7.
>>She had been a anime fan and often joined in our my friends splitscreen halo games
>>She was 24.
>>She introduced me to my first girlfriend, was my first unreciprocated crush, and suffered a slew of mental depression and struggled with addiction.
>>Despite that, she knew the real me before all this happened, my laugh before it became the croak it is nowadays from my increasing muscular problems and breathing difficulties.
>>I feel like one of those people who wakes up in a different body, with a different voice, only my face is the same and everybody expectations of me i cannot meet.

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>>18532477
>>Do i grind hard to make it into university, and then hoard money and resources trying to meet a woman or start a family all while being in utter mysery like the past 10 years have been
>>I wonder if i should kill myself.

What do I do? Is there any real hope at finding a career, and eventual happiness if i don't even know what that is, or if i'm capable of it. Not to mention having kids, desu i sound like the opposite of an opportunistic MGTOW, i don't want a woman, i dont want friends. Maybe i want to relive what youth and experiences i know are rushing headlong past me by having kids, i dont know

>>18532482
Try living more simply.
Accept that you won't most of the things you want in life
Be happy with being content, rather than striving for happiness.

>>18532490
>>I'm already doing basically nothing, i've been unemployed 17 months running out of funds, afraid due to my physical limiations to get a good job, however aware at the saame time that if i don't i will be taken advantage of when i'm forced into a ill fitting job to foot the bills when im broke.

I basically know i need money for university, do you think engineering graduate would net me a decent job straight out of university for a dedicated person?

would it be worthwhile? I dont see myslef being able to handle the anxiety of the service industry, and physical labor is out of the question.

>>18532475
>>18532456
Bump for advice in my shit situation.

>>18532477
>>18532470
>>18532462
>>18532456
Didn't read any of your posts, just came here to say that you have great taste in ladies.

>>18532529
i am going to tell you now that you will need to get over your social anxiety. Learn to love you and who you are. even if you get an engineering degree, you will still need to interact. engineering is a team effort, you will need to communicate with your peers, other departments, experts, and customers in order to finish your work.

i recommend that if you go back to school to get an engineering degree, you also practice your social skills while you are there.

>>18532604
It''s not so easy,