Oh damn, I am just so damn unspooked that I have a repulsion

File: 1443289593622s.jpg (7KB, 222x250px) Image search: [Google]

7KB, 222x250px

Oh damn, I am just so damn unspooked that I have a repulsion to any ideology at all. I am reducuonist, which is to some degree intelligent and perceptive but I've taken it to the intellectually pessimistic extreme. If I was a caveman I would never believe in big wooden huts, nvm the modern world.

I beat myself up mentally for not focusing on one thing. For not doing many things. For wanting to avoid junk food. For having junk food. For everything. I actual fact I just follow inertia.

I have no life goals. I just beat myself up for having no method (despite no goals). Well, that's a half lie. My goal is to have a good job, learn programming and maths, and do rewarding technical work (and stay healthy and read books). But the tortuous mental ruminations on method multiply exponentially. I am just so sick and tired of method and "insights".

Of course the environment is demoralising. Seeing attractive women everywhere who only fuck Chads is demoralising. Women have tinder matches on tap and tinder experiments prove they only care about looks. I've never had female attention ever. Never had any social experiences for years. I'm the ugly loser loner beta at work. I will never fit in with normies.

Bottom line is that I don't have the balls to follow my own tastes and intuitions, which I trust. I just read books that others tell me to read. I trust my intuitions. I see endless debates by other people about how many Drumpfs can dance on the head of a pin or how many hairs were on Socrates's beard or bullshit to that effect- and this is considered to be the epitome of intellectualism! You can't even call out the bullshit in this day and age. It's impossible.

If I honesty followed my intuitions, I'd stop reading guns, germs and steel, stop reading old russian books, stop going through SICP, stop buying so many books, among other things.