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Basically I have suffered from abandonment issues my whole life and nothing I do heals the giant hole in my heart where my father should be. I keep looking at older men feeling attracted to then, feeling lonely. I have a giant crush on a movie star who is older than my real father. I project my feelings on the character he plays, some times I pretend that he is with me and I can talk to him like he's my own family. I thought maybe I should settle down and start a family, but how can I be a parent when I never had an example of one in my life? I only have my tv shows and what I can learn about parental love from fiction. I would probably pay an sweet older man money just to hold me for a couple minutes and let me pretend that I have a daddy. It's too embarrassing to talk to my therapist about , I'm 26... I need to grow up and move past this. But I'm just really autistic and I want to hold hands with a fatherly figure and pretend he is mine.
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Are you a gay or a whale?
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Neither, but I am very insecure about myself. I try to accept myself through art and dancing, sometimes even then I struggle to find my confidence. I feel like if I had a father figure in my life that confidence would be there and I would not be hurting.
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