How do you forgive yourself?

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Had a rough and tumble break up with ex after a roller coaster of emotions relationship. I suffer from severe depression and he cheated, there was a lot of me trying to correct things while being bitter, wasting my breath trying to explain that I was rushed into the relationship and that I cared for him but was pissed. It was ugly, there was a lot of yelling, crying, and back coping mechanisms. I spent a lot of energy doing what I thought was right, trying to smooth things down so we could be friends, trying to explain my depression and just how unhealthy I was, and unaware of it. It blew up in my face. We lived in the same house and were together for about two years. I spent a lot of time with his family. Now that I'm here, months later and reflecting, what hurts me most is this feeling like I wasn't myself, like none of this would have happened if I fucking took care of myself, and I didn't. I became a recluse, and kind of a bitch, and to look back on it now breaks my heart. The idea that he and his family probably thought I was a manipulative hermit bitch tears me to pieces and I don't entirely know why. I'm trying to do like everyone says and just take in stride and like a life lesson, and get my mental health and social skills on track, but the guilt I feel and wish I could repair things still tears me to bits. It's so bad the thought of seeing him sends me into panic attacks, and I pray that it came through that I'm actually a great person who was going through a bad time. Yet it keeps me up, and in pain, to think about it. I don't know why, because it's unlikely I'll ever see these people again, but I feel like people who considered me family now think I'm a crazy bitch. How do you reason with guilt?