Throw in the towel?

Not easy, anon, not easy, by any stretch, to reply to this. I can suggest some less than light reading though, a couple of essays on Stoicism by J. Evola which are relevant to your question:

https://web.archive.org/web/20141108100546/http://thompkins_cariou.tripod.com/id53.html
https://www.counter-currents.com/2013/05/the-right-to-ones-own-life-in-east-andwest/

Read them carefully and see what you can extract from them.

The fuck? You should've died 25 years ago.

>>18525971
>became depressed at the age of 5

Embrace it. Don't give up but embrace that you are indeed sick; now what can you do about it? Perhaps start a blog where you write and explain how it's like to have your mental illness. Are there any support groups you can join, (mainly to get friends)? But at least there you wouldn't have to hide yourself, but be who you are. There are a ton of mentally ill people who have accomplished a lot, but you don't even need to accomplish anything (in a thousand years no one will now anyway). You're not too late at turning this around, but you've already tried beating it. Maybe it's time to embrace your demons?

>>18526023
Thank you very much, this looks very interesting. I know a little of Stoicism at least in concept, and how the philosophy views the subject should be insightful.

I don't want to make rash decisions. Whatever I choose, I want the foundation to be one of reason.

>>18526132
I've tried support groups in the past, but never found one that I felt comfortable in. I was recently told about a site that allowed anonymous interaction between two individuals, one serving as the "therapist" and the other the "patient" This might work better for me.

I have thought of embracing the condition, to a degree. It's certainly as much a part of me as any other aspect of my personality. To be Sisyphus, and find some peace in an eternal task. I guess where I live doesn't help - there's the expectation to be productive and "normal", and the pressure to fix myself has always been at my heels. (In this, at least, I'm hardly unusual.) If I could just be well enough to enjoy small things again, that would make all the difference.

>>18526025
>You should've died 25 years ago.
No shit. What the hell have you been doing?

>>18526090
Actually, yeah. I'd cry, and when asked why I would say I was sad. When asked why I was sad, I'd tell them I didn't know. It wasn't until a few years later that it was realized this was clinical depression.

>>18525971
>>18525971
very sorry to hear about your struggle anon. you have my sympathies..mad props for sticking it out, not giving up all these years.

i really don't know what you've tried already so i can only give you the most general advice. And of course It would help to know more specifically what kind of mental illnesses/issues your dealing with.

Are you really sure if you have explored the limits of your healthcare options?
if not, a social worker could help you find out, and you should be able to see one for free at your county office (Im assuming you live in the U.S.)

do you exercise?
Regular exercise, especially cardio, and especially doing it outside in nature, can work as well as some medical drugs for your mood and outlook. and don't think you have to go all out to get the benefits. if youre not psyched about sweating hard, even light cardio done consistently has some really positive effects.

how is your sleep?
do you get enough and do you feel rested after? that is probably even more important than the exercise.

Do you allow yourself "chill time" to just kick back and enjoy yourself?
Hedonism and sloth are vices, but some people swing the opposite way and just don't know how to relax and really enjoy the moment, because they are always busy, running a race to nowhere on a treadmill. Get out on a regular basis and indulge in something you really enjoy doing, just for the sheer pleasure of doing it.

Lastly, Im not the type to go for feel-good, airy platitudes, but there is this very short, adorable, illustrated book i read called The Meaning of Life that was a charming gem. https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_7_19?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+meaning+of+life+bradley+trevor+greive

Whatever course you decide to take, you're right about something: you should ponder it soberly to avoid rash decisions and decide based on a solid foundation of reason.

Im rooting for you anon. May the best come to you.

>>18526355
Thank you for the advice. Most of these suggestions I'm already aware of, but when you're in distress it's easy to forget the basics. A reminder is always helpful.

Sleep may be one of the biggest issues right now. It's not uncommon to go 30-40 hours without quality sleep, thanks to stress. I also have panic attacks while asleep, which as horrible as they sound are thankfully less of a problem. I wouldn't be surprised if this is why I'm in my current state. May need to see a specialist about that.

I appreciate your words of support. It seems like a small thing, but I've been doing this long enough to know that getting another perspective can be just what's needed to allow oneself to stop, think, and realign. Esp when you tend to tend to face pain by gritting your teeth and pushing yourself until you either come out the other side, or just break.

>>18525971
What mental illness specifically? The term is very vague. I personally think that many "mental illnesses" like anxiety or depression can be greatly alleviated without medication through natural means such as exercising, improved diet and sleep, and cognitive behavioral therapy (huge, look into this).

>>18527629
Depression, anxiety, and a severe form of ocd. The depression I can usually handle under normal circumstances. The anxiety and ocd are not as easy to manage.

Right now it's the ocd especially that has me on my knees. These past 17 months have just been one long string of bad luck to another. and it feeds off the stress of these external factors, For instance, I'm having a problem with my plumbing, and there's not enough water to shower in. I can use the hose outside, but that doesn't allow me to do the proper washing ritual, and therefore I become "contaminated". This is not only an extremely unpleasant state, but worsens the condition overall. So much so that I can't allow anyone to come in my house to fix the plumbing. I'm stuck in a miserable loop, and I'm in not position to break it on my own. This is just one of similar situations that just have me trapped.

I am on medication, and normally it does offer some relief, but apparently doesn't do much in the middle of a downward spiral. I tend to have severe reactions to many meds, so I doubt I'll find a solution there alone. My best bet is a cognitive behavior therapy specific to ocd. Problem is there are no reputable places in within a reasonable distance to get this treatment that also takes Medicaid. I've been treated by people who had no idea of what they were doing before, and that damaging enough that I'm not willing to risk taking that chance. Like everything else in life, having money and connections would make this all so much easier. I do continue to look for options. May have to consider inpatient care, much as I despise it. I might have access to info and resources I wouldn't otherwise. Or at least a working shower.

Oh. And my AC is out, even though I've already had a repairman come out and work on it. So it's the hot, humid southern summer, I'm sweaty and overheated (which also triggers ocd), and I can't even take a cold shower. This is just whining at this point, but fuck it, I kinda need to whine.

>>18525971
If your male can I suggest beginning exercise (running is a must, stuff like gym and sports are welcome) and also injecting testosterone in TRT doses, so no higher than 200mg a week. You'll find this should do wonders to your mental state.

And it is never ok to give up, as I said to someone else on this board earlier today remorse and self-pity are two of the worst attributes a person could ever possess so give them up and start improving your life starting with small things first. Even if your mental state is wondering, make sure the space around you is clean and tidy, eat well and cleanly, exercise and put some effort into your work.

I have assumed your mental illness is focused around depression as that is the most comon, although if it isn't the aforementioned will all still help, albeit the test might not in some cases.

>>18528324
>>18528211
Apologies I've just read this, what I said all stands. Towards the plumbing is it possible you could learn to fix this? Also I knew someone with severe OCD where stuff could become contaminated and she would get extremely agitated but she had a brother whom she was very close with who could seem to get through this layer, do you have someone like this? If not do you have friends you could reach out to?

>>18528331
The closest I have to reliable support is a friend who lives on the other side of the country. I do have family that lives locally, but my mother has said she wants nothing to do with it and my father, while very well-meaning, tends to get frustrated easily by my constant anxiety. I think whatever is done, I'm probably going to have to do it on my own.

I haven't tried yet, but fixing the shower myself is an idea. I'm a woman, but this doesn't necessarily mean I can't work on plumbing. I'm used to patching things up around the house, being the type who will use something until it absolutely cannot be used anymore. Never worked on pipes before, though. That's well outside of my comfort zone and skill set, but I'm not sure if I have much to lose. At least there are plenty of resources online.

>>18528377
There are plenty of resources online and I wish you best of luck with fixing it, you being female isn't an issue there. I would suggest still trying with your father, possibly explaining how you will do your best by the anxiety bit if he can do his best by the patience side of things. If he doesn't work, I know certainly in the UK there are plenty of charities and such that help provide support to people with mental issues such as the ones you have described so you should reach out to them if all else fails, don't put off getting round to do things either, do them as soon as you can.

And run, runnings great be it 5km or 5 miles, running releases chemicals and stuff in your brain which reduce stress and anxiety and can make you happier. It can also lend greater regimen to your life and give you time to think both of which can reduce anxiety and feelings of depression.

>>18525971
have you tried ECT?

>>18525971
I hope you just take the time to breathe.
I've been dealing with my own issues for decades and, for me at least, the only thing that helped was when I accepted that this was my "normal" from now on. Like a diabetic that has to give up sugary foods I had to avoid things that I knew would cause me to nose-dive. Don't underestimate the negative effect that certain books and music can have on your mood.
Exercise is vital. Learn to pace yourself with your emotions and politely recede from stressful situations until you're no longer anxious. Make plans; doesn't matter about what, just make the plans. When that nervous energy hits redirect into something constructive. I've built a pile of useless things when I was too worked up. It's better to lose yourself for a few minutes in a project than to tear up your own mind.
I hope you just take the time to breathe.

Try LSD, weed. Fuck xanax and similar shit.