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Ultimate Apathy?

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I don't exactly know why I am making this thread. I think I just realize something isn't right about myself and I need someone to talk to outside of my immediate real life circles.

Anyways, to the point: I think I am going to kill myself.

I'm not depressed, or at least I don't feel like I am. I don't have any real outside (or inside) forces making my life so miserable that I feel death is the only way out.

I just don't want to exist. I don't really want to die ( going through the process itself), I just want to cease experiencing.

As for the why? Living just isn't really all that good. Nothing about life is particularly appealing to me. Nothing satisfies me, makes it all worthwhile, or gives meaning to my life.

Sex, drugs, money, religion, friends, family, hobbies, work, politics, philosophy, intimacy, or any other number of things under the sun that normal humans participate in that makes their lives whole and wholesome give me any real level of satisfaction beyond the immediately biological effect of fulfilling an immediate need ( hunger, breathing, ect ). These types if satisfaction I do feel however are not the kind that make people feel their life was worth living, so much as a comfort factor.
I don't know why I am like this. I would have killed myself long ago, but the saying " suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem " made me realize that life itself, being temporary, would resolve itself, and maybe in the mean time I might find something that makes it all worth it.

However as I age I realize that even though the 50-90 years I could expect to live (depending on so many factors) is relatively a short amount of time, it is actually quite a lot of time in its own right. I am beginning to question my energy and patience.

I know that this level of apathy, or a desire to terminate my own life, isn't considered healthy and is a sign something is defective in me, but I don't know what to do about it. I can't remember ever being happy or satisfied or driven by a purpose, not even going back to my childhood can I remember a single fond, warm moment of happiness.

I don't hate existence, I just want nothing to do with it personally. I want to return to the nonexistence I had for the first 14bn(roughly) years of history.

I just want to understand why I'm like this. Why don't I feel the same investment in my existence that other people do? Why can't I be happy with anything? Why can't I find anything that makes this all feel worthwhile?

Honestly I don't know why I'm still trying to find reasons to love something I clearly don't value, desire, or possibly deserve.
Sounds like absurdist philosophy. Read the Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus, it explains it well.


Existentialism ( and in this case, Camus) deal mostly with a large, sweeping purpose or meaning to life.

While a more grand meaning to everything could satisfy me in this regard, I accepted the absurdity of life a good while ago.

In this case, I'd be happy with mere contentment and satisfaction with my actual, every day life.

A husband and wife buy their first house, and the pride and satisfaction of achieving their goal makes them content and satisfied.

When I was younger I struggled to get my first place, and when I finally did, I felt nothing more than " this is where I live now. " .

And the problem is getting worse. Music sounds more and more dull; food tastes bland and it is hard to swallow. I've lost interest in material gain to the point that everything I own ( Minus my house and vehicle of course) can fit into a single 13 gallon trash bag. My money simply sets in my bank account. I haven't answered my messages in a month, and I barely speak to my coworkers anymore.

I can accept my life has no purpose, meaning, or objective reason.

I don't know that I can live being this completely empty though, without happiness or contentment or satisfaction with anything I do.
Hi OP I relate. Ultimately all is pointless, absurd and without meaning except that which we define. If we must define it then first is it even right to make a start?

What makes it worse for me is spending too much time alone engaged in fruitless activity. Idle games, mindless internet browsing can occupy me, but I feel like a caged animal. I end up over thinking things, deciding everything is subjective, worthless and as my mind is the only one I truly know then subjective opinion is the all I can know in good faith therefore as everything is worthless (to me) it truly is. So I kind of stop doing things and it is a vicious cycle.

What makes things better is engaging in tasks which allow me to shut off the constantly grinding infernal engine of my own thoughts. Chopping firewood, gardening, painting the house, hanging out in my garage with a 'project', socialising when I feel the need to. Things which balance intellectual with physical.

Basically all the mindful meditative shit that old people graduate towards to pass the time as a form of weird natural selection because the ones who don't figure this out don't get old because they blow their brains out.

This has made me much more physical and capable as an individual. I could be considered skilled in some areas, especially by the low bar that others seem to establish and as such I've been able to change jobs and generally prove useful to friends, family and others in my community. This again is something that is good for me because it connects me to something that is objectively meaningful, validation and purpose through the eyes of others.

Again though, I'm prone to overthinking things. What I find most upsetting is I'm at my happiest when I'm truly in the moment and at that point I have no conscious awareness of myself as an individual entity. I'm working automatically like some kind of dumb animal without awareness and yet in that moment, denied of what it means to be human is when I'm truly free and happy.
You sound depressed. I can understand depression as a failure to take pleasure in typical activities. A lack of drive or motivation. A failure to thrive. I know that you could be considered recovered from a depression and still feel this way, but the defining thing here is the notion that you have always felt this, will always feel this way, an inability to see the times when you felt normal, or happy. I'm sometimes prone to assume that I've been angry 'forever', but in hindsight, removed from the immediate emotional trigger, it is absurd to say I've been angry forever. I've sometimes assumed that an individual has 'always' irritated me, oblivious to the fact that I was laughing with them earlier in the week.

My point is while your outlook on the world could be characterised as depression (weltschmerz!) and clearly isn't, you current feeling that it will always be so alienating likely is. You can choose if you want to change your life so it doesn't kill you. Or don't. The world will keep spinning for everybody else and after all it is ultimately absurd and only has meaning if you choose to see it.

I struggle with motivation. I feel a lot of motivation comes from youth and the slowing down and accumulation of 'wisdom' as a replacement for impulsiveness is kind of a rationalisation and metaphor for death and decay.

Hormones usually propel us into our relationships, homes, families. We then do not have time to take stock. Usually we are thrown out the other side, aware for the first time of what it means to define the self. It must be awful to be there without that, too young to already be contemplating the oriental pension plan of zen enlightenment.
>It must be awful to be there without that, too young to already be contemplating the oriental pension plan of zen enlightenment.

I don't understand this part.

As for changing my life, half of the question from this thread is " what am I doing wrong?/what can I change? " .

I'm running out of things to think of trying. Hell I went skydiving once, and I'm afraid of heights.

I just want to know what I am missing that the majority of the population so clearly understands/has.

I just want to try something one time, and genuinely think to myself " this is fun. I enjoy this. " I just want to find something, someone, anything really, that would make me go to bed thinking " Today was a good day. " instead of " Today was a day. " .
I see enlightenment as a way to get rid of old people. The original pension plan. What better way than to structure things than to teach that young people possess an inferior hot temperament which once exhausted through the necessary raising of a family and the hard work of providing for them should be replaced by a noble quiet contemplation of the universe. Turn away from your material goods, give them up to those who have yet to realise the truth. Let go of your selfish egotistical drives and desires because enlightenment is worth it. Why not move out onto the side of the mountain and don't eat that much. Spirituality can replace all the comforts (sorry, trappings) of the less wise. If you happen to die of exposure then no big deal as it is all ultimately one and the same as long as you were engaged in the noble search for enlightenment and we all thought you looked very wise.

I think all people eventually realise everything is a crock of shit and that all the things which propelled them when younger were basically negative motivations born of anxiety and fear. That or they kill themselves struggling to come to terms with it which is why suicide kills more men under the age of 50 than anything else. Past the age of 50 you've done it or you've come to terms with it.

You ask if it is normal. Yes. There are many people, men especially already feeling that life lacks meaning and purpose and unwilling to engage with it. It is because there is no grand noble purpose to existence and we are likely under utilised. Fight club summed it up many years ago. What can you try? I'm the guy who said try doing things which balance the physical with the intellectual and give you opportunities and skills which connect you socially and make you part of your community. There is a reason why community has been everything since it was invented because despite all the bickering and bullshit and one-upmanship it is the sauce that gives life flavour (drama, but spicy meaning).
Also if you were legitimately asking for opinions instead of putting thoughts into words then I'm genuinely surprised. Use that apparently big old brain of yours to observe the world around you.

Why are there so many lonely looking guys walking dogs? Maybe it is because it is better than being a lonely looking guy stuck in a silent house without a reason to leave the house or even really get up in the morning? Maybe get a dog. Yes they are a massive pain in the ass, but it doesn't sound like you've got anything better to be dealing with.

What about clubs/societies/groups? I always hate the idea of clubs because I think they are for losers who can't make friends 'the normal way', but the older I get the more I realise I'm either one of those or that 'the normal way' is actually a notion I just made up to protect myself from having to go to shit like japanese film club. Friends lose contact, die, move away and everybody else is in the same situation. Busy with work? Want to socialise? They go to formalised occasions designed for people to socialise at together.

Also what kind of job do you have where you don't have to talk to co-workers? Of course you are aware you can change all of this right?

I work in a kitchen. Outside of saying "heard", or repeating order details, I don't have to say much.

Also, until recently I had no problems socializing. I really don't know how my friends/family/acquaintances are reacting, as I haven't been reading/responding to messages lately.

A pet of some kind is an interesting idea. I've never had something/someone that was 100% dependent on me in my life before. The responsibility of another life in my hands might give me the context I'm looking for.

Thank you.
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