Apathy

... enrolled for all the exams but didnt attend one because i didnt learn, and perhaps the Professor asked around every time in class where "my Name" is, and it became a running gag and everyone knew who i was; (thats my Imagination of things, idk how much that could be true... im Aware im schizophrenic thats the Point im writing this) and thats why they always laugh at me or sth. Idk i dont talk to people thats everything in my head.

So, i want to get a grip on life, i want to start somewhere, i hope i outlined ´whats wrong with me to a sufficent degree, i need to know life. Im 21.
Im very disappointed / depressed some times because i know my interests but somehow, i dont have any power any self-confidence to pursue those. I imagine my former friends, who must live in such another world, because they have social circles, they share their life with a bunch of other people, they know how to socialize, they "live in the world". I "live" in my head... in an echo chamber of long passed memories... Im scared of meeting them up once again because after those years, they would notice, what a Piece of shit i have become; how Little i know of the world; how uncapable i am to interact in a normal manner.

Nevertheless, i know, the only way out of here is to move forward. I want to grab everything i can which could help me not to be a depressed Piece of shit for the rest of my life. I need to lower my expectations.
I need to lower my expactations to take the Little steps forward, because its a meme that you can suddenly transform to the being you thought all the years you are entitled to be. I know i know nothing and if people say something i feel like i am superior because i have some knowledge, but thats not true. I met up with an old friend of mine the other day, and hes doing Business now and we were talking about economics and i thought i would know more about that Topic, but ended up realizing, i dont know shit. And i wondered, wtf, what am i doing the whole day?

I'm like you OP
But you are further down the road than I am I suppose.
It's difficult to socialize with people, especially if you haven't socialized with people all your life. Usually it ends up that you read way too much into little actions and pathologically misinterpret intentions.
I can't help but feel that people secretly hate me behind my back, and only talk to me to get favors.
Sorry I can't really offer you any real advice considering I'm nearly in the same spot.
Wish you luck.

Sorry for the stupid long rant, but if someone wants to help me, i think thats very helpful for it gives insight in my fucked up brain like nothing else does. So yea, feel free to ask questions etc. and give advise / insight in whats wrong with me, what I should do to finally move forward. Im actually depressed most of the time, but atm its pretty okay.

>>18490441
Are you still planning on completing your education?
Also do you know where your anxiety stemmed from? was it social?

>>18490453
I dont know if i want to complete the education, because i failed so many exams, i would have to learn like stupid to have a chance.

I think its social anxiety. It was becoming apparent when i was unable to socialize with women (which i am to this day) in 8th grade. But i always was a shy person. And from there you could probably say, everything else miserable happened.

>>18490437
But i can give you advice.
Dont orient yourself at people who have it worse than you, because that will just lower your comfort zone. Orient yourself at people who have it just a bit better than you. I cant speak out of expierence obv, but i know what not to do, and thats to lay back and wait, while the world is slowly floating away from you. You have to CARE!

It's hard for me to comment on your social scenario as I am starting uni this September. But as someone who changed his habits (overeating) I can say you really do need to take small steps to overcome your problems.

Unfortunately now you've left(?) uni it's hard to socialise, societies are the best thing for finding new people without issues.

I would say change yourself before reaching out to others, groom yourself, get some nice clothes, get a haircut and start to feel more comfortable in your own skin. Go for a run or jog, start lifting dumbells at home to gain some self confidence and a routine.

That's what I did and I'm much more social just from changing my appearance slightly.

Are you going to redo your uni year? If you're in UK you could do a BTEC which is degree tier and cheaper than a uni degree, means meeting new people too.

Please remember you have your entire life ahead of you and it's never too late to fix things.

I can sort of relate to how you feel as well. I'm a little more social and a little less anxious than you OP, or so it seems, but I was once in a position much more like yours when I was using opiates. I was incredibly antisocial, anxious about everything, and ditched and failed many classes at uni due to the anxiety and the drug habit.

I found that setting goals and structuring your days can really help bring some motivation back into life. Start with small goals, like making your bed when you wake up, set up a short hygeine regiment if you don't already have one, and plan your days as best you can. Perhaps scheduling time to work toward a broader goal, like researching various topics you may be interested in pursuing as a career, would be constructive as well.

Life is hard OP, and no one knows exactly what your experience is like or how difficult your struggles may be, but with all the free time you have you ought to begin doing things rather than just thinking about doing them. Having a lot of unfilled time leads to overthinking where you ruminate about things that simply don't matter, which forms a vicious cycle that's difficult to get out of. So stop thinking and start doing, it sounds cheesy but I think it may help you a lot.

Good luck OP, and everything is going to be just fine.

>>18490462
I tried to join a organization at my uni last semester. I could tell I was making a very bad impression and they never contacted me again. I've felt recently I shouldn't worry about getting friends because they just stress me out. That is friends who are normal. (I'm the first guy who responded btw)

>>18490465
Thank you for your answer.
I live in germany. Fortunately, education here basically costs nothing. Thats why theres like 50% foreigners here doing a year, which germany pays for.

I guess i redo my uni, becáuse i dont know what else to do.

Yes, small steps are the way. Right know i feel okay, idk why. But in the past i got caught up in highly anxious emotions and i couldnt think clearly. I couldnt even read a book.. i cant read a book properly NOW i think. Some overwhelming thoughts stop those small steps, make them appear irrelevant and your situation hopeless. All i can do is, to hope, that those emotions, dont come back, really and start taking action now.

>>18490467
Thank you.
Youre right. I should structure my life.

I was gonna ask, with WHAT i should fill my time, but that should be my decision. Sport, waking up early, and maybe start working in a shitty job for the time until the new Semester starts. And making music, i always wanted to make music. And rewiring my brain to be more focused. I can barely Focus atm.

When i think about it, i basically spent my last two years with overthinking. 99% of my "life" was in my head and i barely had any new expierences. This needs to stop...

>>18490468
idk if thats the right way. Not worrying is one Thing, you shouldnt go mad about it... but if you dont try to socialize... you end up having no social interactions and then get even more weird. Or not? But who am i to judge. Maybe your right... maybe you get confident by stop worrying about other people.

>>18490419
This is going to be a personal post but I hope it can help you relate to something. I had the exact same thing as you just recently:

About a year and a half ago I was falling in to depression, and then for a year I was suicidal, I'm not sure what stopped me from killing myself at times. I would post on forums asking for support and I got nothing, until someone suggested using Headspace. I did the first 10 days and I could feel a little difference, but not much - I wasn't applying these techniques to my every day life.
I am a student and so managed to get a hold of free Headspace, and have been using it since (about 90 or so days I think). I can't believe how much my life has improved, it's insane.
I used to be completely apathetic and sad, I couldn't form meaningful relationships with anyone, even family members were hard to connect to. Now my bonds with my friends are stronger than ever, and my confidence in those relationships has gone up ten fold. I am able to have the self confidence to go out and have fun without feeling guilty or upset.
I even managed to start fancying a girl, which is something I've been unable to do for over a year.
It feels so good to feel emotion again, and not to judge it as "good" or "bad" but simply emotion. If anyone has any doubts about picking this up, I can wholeheartedly say it is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, even my life.

>>18490519
You are talking about an app? Whats that exactly about? Its basically Meditation right?

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>>18490437
This is my grades OP. Been through the same. I've been where you are but a little bit ahead (I think). I know the feeling of having lies for walls. My parents didn't know that I have dropped 98% of my classes. I've felt that feeling of indecision in front of the room thinking whether I should come in since I feel unprepared for it. I know the feeling of sad calmness whenever I sit down in front of the computer rather than attend the class because I didn't have the assignment that I should have. The lack of feeling of remorse when people say that I am wasting the money my parents are using for my education. Though that last one might just be me. When I was there I remember wishing there was some kind of lighthouse where people with same problems knew and talked about their problems. I could go on. Add me brah on fb. Roel Maraño. Believe me. You will never find the answer to improve yourself in a single thread. Because the hardest question that will come to you, come when you are not yet in front of the computer. When you are still eating at home or when you are just waking up in bed

>>18490529
Yeah it is, it's free for the first 10 days and free with Student Spotify Premium. I'm not just some shill I just really like it. It's worth a go:)

>>18490419
aus welcher stadt kommst du? zufällig Hannover? Falls ja können wir uns gerne treffen!

>>18490547
Ich bin nicht OP, aber dass sehr nett ist. Ich hoffe, dass OP dich sehen wird. :)

>>18490530
Thank you. Fine lets connect on fb. You are now in a better place?

>>18490553
>Ich bin nicht OP, aber dass sehr nett ist. Ich hoffe, dass OP dich sehen wird. :)
hehe well i have alot of friends that have or had mental issues and been to the psych ward myself before due to anxiety issues (which i was able to better alot) so i could probably help a bit^^

>>18490547
>>18490553
>>18490559
Danke für das Angebot. In Mannheim und München wohne ich. Auf jeden Fall kann man sich adden!

>>18490563
Benjamin Apfelbaum on Fb.
>>18490547
>>18490530

>>18490563
>Danke für das Angebot. In Mannheim und München wohne ich. Auf jeden Fall kann man sich adden!
oka ich muss los, ich erstell nachher ne mail für 4chan oder ähnliches und poste sie dann hier! bis nachher (eher morgen, hab viel zu tun heute)

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>>18490567
with this Profile pic

>>18490559
Toll, bis später:)

>>18490556
beyond better :) I finally have motivation to fucking get my ass into class.

>>18490572
>Toll, bis später:)
wie gesagt wird eher morgen^^ heute abend ist noch ne uniparty haha

I am Roel Maraño with the 4 people in the table if the search bar gets crazy

OP here. If someone wants to contact me i thought its better to mail instead of trying to find each other on fb. Created a new mail.
[email protected]