I have decided to give up on the idea of ever being loved

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I think I have found happiness. I spent years and years; a fucking eternity in pain. I felt inadequate, insecure, weak. I imagined me dying alone. Growing up people always hated me, my relatives hated mem because I was my father's son (father is not from a rich background), then there is race, then there is height (I was short until recently, 5'8 now). Then there is of course my face; not handsome.

So much insecurity, so much social anxiety. Life felt like it was a fucking battlefield. I have all symptoms of PTSD meanwhile living in a decent city in USA and never experiencing combat. My mother and father treated me like a fucking race horse, the moment I run slow I am worthless.

I go to a good school, i follow the law, I do my country to a certain extent too. But today, driving down the road I did not feel alive at all, I did not experience the wind or anything else. It's been years since I noticed my own fucking environment because my head is so full of fear and anguish. And I thought to myself, what is it?

Why am I always so out of it, so obsessed with competition or the "next big thing"? And it occurred to me, its because I felt like I did not deserve love. My parents only showed me love when I did what they wanted me to do, and it was ingrained into me that I would never be loved.

And thus from then on, I dont care about being loved. I am okay with not finding a pretty girl to marry me. I dont care about what people think anymore and I have accepted myself as someone who will never get laid or be kissed.

And I think i have found happiness. Is this okay? is it right for me to give up on ever being loved? at least this way I won't be manipulated anymore, and I will not be in pain. I feel free now, will it last? is it a good idea? your thoughts?