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since i was around 14 and diagnosed with severe anxiety/depression i've never had any real life purpose. i've always wanted to do well academically but only for the sake of my parents. i'm going to college this fall and i'm terrified that i'll drop out because in high school i had at least 2 suicide attempts and hospitalizations before even graduating.
i know for sure that if i am severely suicidal again i'm going to buy a shotgun and shoot myself in the head because i would rather kill myself than live in my parents basement forever. i love them but i don't want to fail at life.
recently i was thinking of things that give people meaning, and 9 times out of 10 people say that their children give them purpose and meaning
would having a child prompt me to try harder to get my shit together for the sake of the child or would it just send me into another shit spiral i'm likely headed for anyway? i really really don't fancy the idea of children but i'm also really desperate for more solidified reasons to not kill myself. "family" and "oh you have so much to live for!" isn't cutting it anymore for me.
i know this probably isn't relevant but i'm an 18 year old grill and have a 22 year old friend who would likely agree to a child if it comes to that.
>inb4 therapy
i've spent 4 years in and out of therapy. 8 different antidepressants. i have a genetic mutation that makes me having extreme mental health issues
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>>18473301
no one else at the age of 14 has 'purpose' either. most people in life never really find purpose and instead choose to project meaning on to whatever they happen to stumble into, like kids. yes it can be a fulfilling experience but a LOT of parents are simply insisting that it gives their lives meaning because otherwise they cannot deal with the reality in front of them. if having kids isnt the most important thing in the world, then their lives are essentially over, because kids is something you can't just walk away from.
the problem here is you want to have some singular reason to exist. you already are the answer.
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Im on the same boat, except that im on my 3rd year of college. I really hate what Im studying right now but im still trying despite everything. I have hope that I'll eventually find out something that will help me financially while doing what I really enjoy (playing piano).
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