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Background
I grew up Roman Catholic, my mom grew up attending a ukrainian catholic school till eight grade and then attended a regular catholic school for high school, my dad grew up having to attend religion classes till he received his confirmation but was never religious. I had to attended religion classes from kindergarten till I aged out and received my confirmation in eighth grade. I never liked church, my mom hated bringing me bc I would cry and beg not to go. I never got church, always questioned God, never really believed in everything I was thought. I tried to turn to the church a few times growing up because I was depressed and thought the church could 'save me' I guess. I tried to convince myself I believed it all when I really didn't.
Recently I've had urges to say prayers and cross myself when anxious and it's been giving comfort. I don't really understand this because the church always scared me and made me uncomfortable. I still don't believe in what it ultimately teaches so I'm very confused by my emotions towards it.
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The church is something that is your back pocket ace. Let me explain, yes you didn't enjoy going to it and yes you constantly challenged it but for years it was a place you could go. Even though you might not think god is out there, subconsciously you do when you are troubled. When people are in a dark moods, they always revert to god and ask for his forgiveness. Because what is there to lose. Sometimes life is too difficult to not believe in anything so our brain quickly comes up with prayer as a last ditch effort for saving ourselves.
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