Aggression/Depression

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I'm having a problem where I need to train for a physically intensive school to advance my career. I'm in great shape now but I need to improve my performance and I've been tapping into extreme amounts of aggression and stress to fuel my workouts to get the results i need; problem is getting stressed out every day leaves me super depressed in my down time.

I can't let go of some horrific shit in my past, I keep recalling it, finding pictures to induce stress hormones like cortisol to work myself up.

The first girl I dated is my main source of fuel. I had everything I wanted in a relationship. Neither if us had parents and both of us were living and working through highschool on our own. She had the biggest crush on me and looked every way I wanted a woman to look. A solid 10, same with her personality and the best I've ever had in bed, it was like we were made for each other. I was in love and she was my family for 5 years. Eventually we couldn't find work to support ourselves. She aged out of the group home she was placed and was dicked by the system, put back on the street. This sweet kid had a few mental breakdowns from her whole world crashing down, she dropped out of school and did what nearly every pretty girl does: whore herself out. She started using survival sex for a place to live, money, started doing meth and coke and everything else.

And I couldn't stop it.

I haven't had a fulfilling relationship since, I haven't been able to love another person and I've taken full responsibility as a man for not being able to solve our problems and secure our future.

I bring myself back to that place every day to stress myself out. It goes away during the workout but stays when I'm done. I don't feel ok other than when I'm fighting or working out, It's starting to seriously fuck me up and I don't know what to do about it.