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I am junior headed to senior year in highschool. I've had problems understanding what is wrong with me and where i went wrong. I've always been wanting to help others and make other people lives better by being a friend or a good person overall. It somehow always backfired. It hit me hard when i thought i was in love and chased a girl for 3 years just to date for a month and get morally broken after hearing she fucked a dude a week later. It definitely wasnt the first time she misused me or lied to me, and even after all of that i forgave and hoped we could salvage our friendship. It only leaded to more hurt. Ever since that I've always seen myself as the guy who gets fucked over at the end of the day.
Currently im dating this girl, and im happy with her. Im in vacation right now and theres no reason for me to be sad or dissapointed. This girl, she has a past and i understand that she regrets it all, and i shouldnt judge her at all. When we talk about our past problems to eachother we always end up in the conversation of her what she used to do with her exes and all the bad shit she did. I know she doesnt do it anymore but when it comes to sex and all i know shes done it with them (she told me) so i put an image of myself watching them fucking as if she still does or as if shes cheating on me. This also happens if we are talking about sex or exchange nudes and shit. I just think about that dark side of things. I think of shit like she has sent pictures like this to someone else in the past. I put images of her like i hate her, i make myself hate her but i dont. I mostly feel like this because shes done some many things in the past and all ive done with my whole fucking life is stay home and play xbox. Id be everyones friend and thats about it. I never done anything with anyone special and now that i have that chance my own mind is fucking with me. I dont know whats wrong with me. I dont know what to do about these images i put in my own head.
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You probably think you're not judgmental, but you totally are. You frame things in terms of "bad stuff," and you try to be a "good person." That's what's fucking with you. There is no "dark side of things." Whatever it is that she did, it's just part of her experience, and the fact that you don't understand it doesn't mean you're supposed to lead her from it, or help her overcome it, or any of that bullshit. Just get to know her, and get over yourself. There's no ideal of how people should be, there's just how people are. Learn from her and let her teach you how she sees things. Stop trying to be a good person, and just be a person.
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