How do I stop being a doormat?

>>18451587
> I keep confusing the shit out of the opposite sex by being too nice and apparently open to possibilities.
Eh, what do you mean with that?

>>18451613
I've been told I make them think I'm into them because I try to be nice and friendly and look open to starting something with them. Like my eyes sparkle when I see them around. And I rarely ever reject an offer to spend time or do something together so I often end up in misunderstandings and shit because people think I'm dating them and even they think I'm dating them. Am I too pleasing?

>>18451658
Learn how to say no?

Not too nice, but not clear enough. You need to make it clear you're not interested despite being nice / to make it clear you have a bf.

>>18451658
> I often end up in misunderstandings and shit because people think I'm dating them and even they think I'm dating them
Uh, aren't you dating them?

> I've been told I make them think I'm into them because I try to be nice and friendly and look open to starting something with them.
... aren't you?

>>18451661
That will result in me getting treated unfriendly/hostile. In some contexts, I need to get along well with them (like work)

>>18451662
Tried the 'I have a bf' meme, doesn't work because you're supposed to cheat.

>>18451668
So how does one act to someone you're not dating but happen to or need to interact with? I'm only being polite and friendly but I couldn't care less about them, I just need to survive the day and get it over with the social chore. I just try not to be an ass with people without a reason or vent my frustrations on them yet I'm still doing something wrong.

>>18451681
> I'm only being polite and friendly but I couldn't care less about them
Well, then you don't go on dates with them. It's pretty shit of you to simulate attention when you do not actually care.

Sounds like you have it super easy to get partners (probably running on the cute woman bonus). Don't waste people's time and efforts who have to try way harder than you to get into some relationship if you're actually not interested.

> I just try not to be an ass with people without a reason or vent my frustrations on them yet
Of course you should not do that. But refusing dates about which you won't really be able to give a shit isn't really about you being an ass or venting frustrations with people. Or is it?

>>18451718
I always think of it as a casual hang out. Even their reaction is something along those lines: yeah new movie out, have no one to go with, how about you? Or yeah going to that event, maybe we can meet up and hang out/chill/see what it's all about.

This thing also kind of happens when we're not going out but just casual conversations or friendly offers of buying something for another (not always actually paying for it unless it's a small ammount, say chocolate bar etc)

Am I stupid and naive? How can I tell the difference or that I'm doing something wrong?

>>18451754
>Am I stupid and naive?
Dude what the fuck? Yes.

If a guy asks you if you want (or any woman wants) to go to a movie, what he means is, he wants to pole you out. Only he can't be honest about it because we live in a culture that's so tangled up in petty anxieties and ridiculous fear that he has to play it off as just hanging out like bros and approach you as gingerly as lion stalks a goddamn gazelle, because if he said "I want to skullfuck you until I black out from sheer ecstasy, I want to see those beautiful eyes tear up when my cock goes down your throat" you'd get skeeved out and call sexual harassment because you have no backbone. So instead he has to say some dumb shit about meeting up at a museum or some other anodyne nonsense he'd normally rather slit his wrists than do because women are insane with Freudian hysterias that make them unable to deal with honesty. The idea is that you're supposed to reciprocate by knowing that he's really talking about coring you out like an apple and trying to be cool by letting you shake off your irrational fears in a boring setting.

Like why would any guy in his right mind want to just hang out with a girl, pretty or ugly

>>18451900
This is why you should concern yourself more with getting your point across than being polite OP. Don't let it get to the point where you absolutely have to say you're not interested, nip that shit in the bud.

>>18451931
Also if you have to ask - yes, they will act like going out and doing things for fun is costing them their time and money, which, well they're not lying. But few people in life have actual friends that want to spend time around them just because.

>>18451936
>But few people in life have actual friends that want to spend time around them just because.
This isn't true at all, it's just that for a man that friend is virtually never going to be a woman.

Somebody post that screencap where the sperglord with the fat friend loses his shit about this.

>>18451900
>>18451925
>>18451931
>>18451936
I know you're speaking the truth and what you've said has always been a thought lingering in the back of my mind.

A few times I've suggested Im not interested some have acted slightly offended that I think they may want more from me, that Id think of myself this important or attractive etc.

Anyway, thinking about this makes me feel worthless and paranoid about even an innocent look from a guy. But Ill start with being more *politely* unavailable

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>>18451946
>This isn't true at all

It is true, your "bros" are all gay or want your leftovers.

>>18451948
>some have acted slightly offended that I think they may want more from me

I mean oh well. Half of those guys are upset because they were being so transparent.

>>18451587
Do you pay for yourself when you go out with these guys?
If you're not interested in them then pay for your fucking self.

>>18451948
>A few times I've suggested Im not interested some have acted slightly offended that I think they may want more from me, that Id think of myself this important or attractive etc.
That's just them being weak faggots in turn, they can't deal with disappointment, so they project it onto you in the form of butthurt and sour grapes. The whole "bluh bluh important, think you're so hot" this is literally just that they feel inferior to you because they "opened up" by asking for what they wanted (Jesus what neurotic garbage) and you refused them thus (in their twisted up minds) gaining status and power over them. You're above them on the ladder so they have to try to pull you down, this is ridiculous feebleminded shit from terrified half-men and you shouldn't let it trouble you even for a second.

>>18451957
Here is the thought process most go through:
>this date was shit, this guy sucks
>might as well get a meal out of it
I don't endorse it, I'd personally do what you suggest but I know if it were common to do that, guys would still manage to pull off some mental gymnastics where offering to split the bill becomes a red flag.

Stop being polite and a user and do stuff you want to do. And pay for your half of the meal/hangout/event etc.

>>18451948
> A few times I've suggested Im not interested some have acted slightly offended that I think they may want more from me, that Id think of myself this important or attractive etc.
Apparently you gave them the opposite signals for a while and then just suddenly pronounce "lel didn't really like you all along, my constant interest and smiles and such actually meant nothing than me being polite while you were clearly dating me, get lost". That is actually somewhat offensive.

> Anyway, thinking about this makes me feel worthless and paranoid about even an innocent look from a guy.
You come across as so spoiled about getting approached by men that you don't even know how fucking annoying it is to have to initiate the whole mating song and dance yourself.

Why oh why would you feel "paranoid and worthless" about people feeling that it is worthwhile to put in effort and risk all sorts of emotional distress and general societal risks to be with you (and of course bed you)?

It's still one of the highest forms of acknowledgement you can actually get as an adult.

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>>18452361
>clearly
>It's still one of the highest forms of acknowledgement you can actually get as an adult

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>>18452364
I don't even get what you are trying to express.

>>18451957
>>18451968
>>18452190
I always offer to pay and sometines do pay but other times too much chivalry from their part and they throw away their money before I can actually get to do anything and simply refuse saying youll pay next time. It's charming but makes me feel in debt and parasitic if they overdo it

>>18452361
I get how that mah be a bit offensive but they shouldnt think so high of themselves that my politeness couldnt in fact be just that. I certainly dont take personally others attitude or give some underlying romantic meaning to them without something more to back it up with. Id start with noticing if thats their generic attitude towards any women just in case.

Spoiled how? With men's attention - maybe. But it's only nice to a degree. Doesnt particularly add to my value and self esteem as a person not a woman when I know they only pay attention to me or act kind to me to get in my pants - and they do it with other women too. I know men and women cant generally be friends but it may trigger a little mistrust in people when you know, the moment youre not of interest to them anymore or you do anything that doesnt stand well with what they have in mind with you, theyre gonna screw you up or plainly rudely ignore or treat you visibly different than before.

>>18452398
> they shouldnt think so high of themselves that my politeness couldnt in fact be just that
You are the one who is taking them up on dating offers, gives them positive signals, and then suddently declares that they never had a chance but you were just so "polite".

And then you blame them for being upset over your cruelty because you're so god damn ignorant about how it feels to be on the receiving end of such behaviour. All while you actually see how they felt.

> Doesnt particularly add to my value and self esteem as a person not a woman when I know they only pay attention to me or act kind to me to get in my pants
It doesn't? You're probably someone that started to think she deserves more than what is a relatively extreme extent of attention, trust and love, because that is apparently already the baseline of what she gets on average from people approaching her.

Why aren't you more up-front about your requirements then?

You understand most people would not expect that a lot more is expected of them than being willing to sacrifice their time and attention, being ready to get even more seriously emotionally attached and risk so much strength and a fortune on possibly raising a kid if you merely decide so on your own?

> and they do it with other women too
If you actually were surrounded only by playboys who simultaneously tried to get dates with everyone, then that's different.

But chances are that they were mostly more average men and probably did not do focus on other women while they were dating you, isn't it.

> the moment youre not of interest to them anymore or you do anything that doesnt stand well with what they have in mind with you, theyre gonna screw you up or plainly rudely ignore or treat you visibly different than before
I'm actually even suggesting *you* did that.

That instead of "not being interested anymore" you were not interested all along but didn't let them know is an absolute technicality in a society of not mind-readers.

I recently had to cut contact with a good friend because she acted in a similar way towards me(actin flirty and giving mixed signals and all that). It ain't fun, op. It's a lot of emotional bullshit that could've been avoided with some communication and clarity. Just try to be real with people

>>18452509
>>18452577
Alright, maybe I could use some distancing although it's more of a rarity to accept dates like these.

I have met work mates with whom I didnt hand out outside of work, exchange casual words occasionally when meeting in the office yet who, after taking a few days off would ask me, repeatedly and not in ajoking manner, so they would expect an answer to their question if I missed them while they were away. If i fucking missed them.

Now I don't know what I did in this particular case as we don't even see each other or talk everyday. But generally, i'll say hello if someone comes in the office. If they're smiling I'll just smile back saying hello. Make a joke or two in the presence of others if they're also open to it and so forth.

Is this considered flirting or leading them on? Because it seems they sometimes appear to feel entitled to a certain kind of attention or special place in my life because of this, casual - I'd say, interaction. Am I in the wrong? Am I still doing it wrong? Should I act colder and practice a more neutral - poker face?
I'm honestly confused and curious I just don't know how to act around 'friendly' men. If anyone's going to be friendly with me, man or woman, I'll reciprocate.

>>18451587
I had this issue. Eventually I became so depressed that I stopped giving a shit about others and decided that I need to be happy first. I deserve that much.

lol why do women think that guys want to just hang out with them for fun? how great do you think you are? looool